Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas...whewww!!

Wow!! What a crazy couple of weeks!

Family, bathroom reno’s, cold and flu, Christmas…the list goes on…whew, I am tuckered!

I have had many moments of, “tonight I HAVE to write”; out of need for a release, desire to express certain emotions and events and yet, not once did I find myself with an opportunity to enjoy the silence and solitude which would allow me to find the words and record them. As it is with the multitude of pictures that I captured, it is going to take some time to process it all!!

At the end of the day, I can only say that I am grateful for all of the time we were able to share with our families. We had a wonderful Christmas, with a delicious dinner to top off the day.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Comfort, Learn or Teach...?

An old friend, someone who I have mostly lost contact with, but still care about a great deal, seems to be going through a difficult time.

Her statements on Facebook surprise me, and yet echo within. She is vague, but I can only assume that she is speaking of serious issues within her marriage. She received a lot of feedback; leaving her to delete the whole post, re-word and add that some people should keep their opinions to themselves.

This girl was a very close friend many years ago, and sadly, we lost touch for about 14 years. Although we have both expressed desire to see each other and reconnect, we haven’t. So, what I now know about her is formed from pictures and statements via Facebook, or assumed/deemed to be in my mind. That being said, my opinion literally would mean nothing.

Instead, I feel as though my fears were correct. I remember my friend, and the amazing person that she was. I remember her strength and courage, her humor and early wisdom. I also recall the similarities we had in our taste in men; and I know that means difficult days kept silent until you explode.

I think I know from what I see/read, without actually knowing, that she is that same woman today. I imagine, that as it was then, we are still very much the same in some of our hopes/dreams/expectations. I wish we were closer, and yet am afraid of pushing too hard. I sent her a private message, reminding her that I was here for her and hoped she was ok, but haven’t heard back. I feel inside myself that I should be there for her, that I have the silence as well as the empathy to comfort and guide her gently; in her own time and way of course. I don’t know why I feel compelled to be there for her now. She obviously needs her own space to sort out whatever it is that is happening in her life right now; and yet, I feel I have SOMETHING to offer her!?! As it was then, our similar experiences gave us something to relate to with each other; knowing someone else had truly walked that same road. Now, I know our paths since then have been VERY different, and yet, I sense that they have also been very similar.

I think that I may be starting to LOOK deeper into many “relationships” from my past lately. Necessary or not? If I feel the urge to pause and turn around for a moment, I can only assume that is on purpose; I am required to gain something that I missed in the past.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Gratitude Journaling Day # 14

1. I am grateful for the creativity that can sometimes be found within me!

2. I am appreciative as always for all my husband does; freezing cold weather, pain/injury it doesn’t matter, he gets out there and gives it his all.

3. I am thankful for cuddles and kisses from my daughter; her new thing is to gently “pet” my head as she looks into my eyes! SIGH…!!

4. I am grateful for the ability I have to read, write and learn.

5. I am thankful for the growth that has allowed me to begin opening up about what I have experienced and who I am inside.

Stepping into the Past to find Gratitude

I was on Facebook the other night and a photo album of a friend caught my eye; more accurately, a vehicle I recognized captured my attention. It was an old photo, taken 16 years ago, and yet instantly I was taken back, fully. The emotions of the time; the people that were involved and the timing of the photograph made my heart race as though I was 16 again!

These were pictures of people that were in my “circle”. The pictures were taken at a time when a “friend” that was a few years younger than myself set her sights on a guy that I was off and on involved with. This obviously presented a problem for the 3 of us and in the end they decided to proceed together, and I walked away from them both. So, these pictures captured for me what I had already only imagined and created images of in my mind. They had gone on a camping trip, one that at the time I felt was supposed to include me. I laughed to myself as I looked deeply into the young faces that stared back at me. Some of us were just as I imagine/know we still are today, and others, such as the “friend”, looked like babies. I thought of the range in ages of the people in the group, and I thought of our lives at that time; the things that kept us all together, what drew us to each other.

Then I looked down at the comments on one of the photos. There was comical interest in recognizing the un-named faces and then the tone changed to that of sadness. Someone commented that seeing the pictures made them feel sad, and they added a question; did they hear about a friend that was connected to everyone, but not actually in the picture? Comments end there.

The person referred to was my first boyfriend; the tie that brought me to most of these people in the beginning. In complete honesty, my heart lifted slightly as my heart raced and my mind asked “Is he dead?!” as I read the question. I wanted more, I wanted to know the details of the conversation that ensued. It piqued my interest and I wanted to comment back, “No?! What happened?!” I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t (as of yet…?!) even ask anyone else that would likely know or be able to find out!

I talked to my best friend yesterday, itching to tell her about my finding, and when I did, her response was the same as my own; only she verbalized what I only said in my mind! She proceeded to encourage me to enquire within the larger circle of “old” Facebook friends that I have.

This guy in question; he, for me to vaguely say, had serious issues at the young age that we met him at. He was only 17 then, but already had severe family issues that he was the perpetrator of, although I didn’t find out these details until near the end of our relationship. He was in a foster home and didn’t have much, if any contact, with most of his family. To be blunt and to the point, I will say that aside from the anger, control issues, insecurities and many other things, he had an appetite for young, inexperienced girls. He worked his way from me, to, secretively, my best friend and her younger sister, with another of my younger friends in between! Without further details, I will only say that he was a sick little puppy in those early days of his life.

A part of me feels sheepish as I write; as I confess to such a dark response inside of me. We aren’t supposed to wish ill upon anyone, and certainly not with such finality. It’s not that I actually WISH that he was dead, although, again, I will admit I have had those thoughts in the past. It is more a feeling of relief that he would not be out in the world continuing to have seriously negative impacts on the lives of those around him.

I find myself being captured by the strangest things these days; things from my past seem to come up, begging for attention. Obviously a whisper in the ear that there are details requiring re-examination; as I grow, I need to look a little deeper for the lessons that were there for me to learn. Sometimes, 16 years later is the perfect time to finally “get it” in some cases?!

This time, for reasons that I still explore, I received three nudges in the same moment; three people with meaning came back for a visit and I need to know why. What in my life right now calls for the guidance of the experiences that I lived with these people back then?

Trust; I learned many things about both sides of trust from these three.

Strength; individually, I was forced to learn different things from the them.

Acceptability; as I sit here now, I can see many facets of this that I faced with these individuals. What is and is not acceptable in my life. I also learned about what makes a person “acceptable” or “unacceptable” in the eyes of certain types of people.

Doing wrong to another that is close to you; Ha! With the people in common, where would I begin on the things that I was taught?! How easy it is for some people; they either don’t truly care or they are so blinded by things in their life that they can only operate in ways that fill THEIR own personal “need” in a given circumstance.

I sat explaining my feelings, or considerations, on this subject to my husband last night, and I was relieved to discover that he related to what I had to say. It didn’t seem strange to him that my thoughts were swirling upon the finding of these photos and the heavy/confusing comments that were involved. In some ways, he made me feel more justified in my curiosities; as though I didn’t have the right before?!

While I still have some work to do to understand it all, I will offer gratitude to the universe for these people; the lessons they taught me then and the things that I seem to have to learn from them now.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Gratitude Journaling Day #13

Well, AGAIN I have not been keeping up with my gratitude journaling. I don’t even have a REAL excuse! Sure, last night was a little hectic, with the bathroom reno starting, but still…

1. I appreciate the chats with my best friend; we are THERE for each other and I always gain different insights into motherhood; her own and those around her.

2. I am grateful for the positive things happening for my husband in his work; he works harder than most people that I know and is finally being recognized for it.

3. I am thankful for the mild winter weather that we have been enjoying (knock on wood or my hubby’s noggin!), with hopes that it doesn’t take a drastic turn anytime soon!

4. I am grateful for the pride and awe that my daughter inspires in me every day; her learning and growth is awesome to be a part of!

5. I am thankful to my brother for going out of his way to bring our dad here for Christmas.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Gratitude Journaling Day # 11

1. I am grateful and so very thankful to be talking with my youngest two step children right now!! It has been far too long, and joyful tears are a wonderful thing!

2. I am thankful that my oldest step daughter will be coming over in the morning! Brunch and some shopping…it is wonderful!

3. I am grateful for the joy it brings my husband to be able to talk/see his kids again.

4. I am thankful for our amazing daughter, and all the joy she brings to every minute.

5. I appreciate the ups and downs in my life; the prolonged ecstasies that ultimately come after a difficult period…I am grateful for the learning that always entails as well…

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day #7 Gratitude Journaling

1. I am thankful for a quiet day at home today.

2. I am appreciative of the phone call from my sister-in-law this morning to re-assure and re-excite me about Christmas plans.

3. I am even more grateful the phone call I just received from my brother himself!! Christmas plans are a GO!!!

4. I am, as always, amazed and thankful for all that my hubby does for us; he doesn’t stop, it doesn’t matter how many brick walls pop up, he pushes through. Thank you baby.

5. I am grateful for my wonderful Shamos; Shamoobafoo, Boo-Boo, our “Ca-Dog”…Our 10 year old cat is such a wonderful little buddy; comfort, love and that crazy soft white hair that soothes in an instant!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Letting go of "Angry"

Anger and frustration are snaky little “emotions”. It can be seemingly easy to allow anger to take over and control our actions and reactions, but aren’t we only succeeding in adding unnecessary chaos into our life?

When I was a teenager, I was full of anger and frustration; aren’t we all at that age?! I came to a point where began to believe that I achieved more of what I “wanted” when I portrayed myself in that manner; a hard shell that was easily provoked. Being mad was normal then and at times showed up as violence as well. Of course, now I see the reality of those days, feelings and the role I created for myself, they only succeeded in causing more things to BE angry and frustrated ABOUT!

Then, I moved onto where I am now; the anger and frustrations can still exist, but I don’t allow them to show their faces in the way I used to. Now, I hold them tightly inside, where they fight with each other for space as each continues to grow. Sure, I get mad, but now I keep the frustrations of it all quiet, only letting loose at times that tend to appear out of the blue.

Because it is! I let go when I am caught up INSIDE myself with OTHER thoughts, and so, as the story goes, I am not releasing that which is really bothering me!

It is a dangerous little path to follow. When we really have other things that are on our plate, instead of voicing those problems, giving a name to them and acknowledging them, we end up exploding on those around us in a situation so un-equal to that which is playing in our minds. We leave those around us shocked and confused.

I certainly don’t need to hold onto any feelings of anger, I know that is pointless. Frustrations are another story. I am responsible for any frustrations I have, I make the choice on how I will be affected by a given situation; If I don’t like it, I have the responsibility to myself to do what is required to make the change. I also don’t desire to hurt those around me with nasty words that have nothing to do with them.

I know I have work to do but I also know that there are many others who should get to work as well! And it will take some time to really get there. I need to learn to not blame others for situations that I may very well have contributed to as well, and accept that we all have things to work on within ourselves. I need to DEAL with what bothers me or LET IT GO instead of keeping it all inside where it has the ability to pop up at anytime.

A little more compassion and understanding; acceptance and thoughtful insight; we are all learning, and sometimes, we just need a little help to see that.

Gratitude Journaling Day #6

1. I am so thankful that we were finally able to see my step-daughter! She came by for a few hours, had dinner and it was so wonderful to be with her after so many years.

2. I am grateful for the smile on my husband’s face; after so many years of not seeing his daughter, this is a pretty special smile! It brings a smile to me just to see the joy the reunion has brought.

3. I am grateful for learning and growing enough in my life to know when a battle is not worth fighting. There are times when words will just not help, and it is important to be able to acknowledge when you really need to just keep it to yourself.

4. I appreciate the beautiful sun that shone all day.

5. I am learning more every day about family and the dynamics that exist; the roles, the drama and the connections.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Day #5 – Gratitude Journaling

At the moment, I am full of negative energy. Throughout the day, I have constantly thought of and been given reminders of noting the things that I am grateful of, but tonight, a simple phone call slammed me into a brick wall. I will only say that, anticipated holiday visits could possibly be impacted, and I am blown away. It is now late, and my hubby is dying to get to bed (yes, we typically go together!), but I insisted that in order for me to try to push my way through these dark feelings, I get to something positive; the light and warmth that will come with my recognizing the GOOD of the day.

1. I am grateful that we made it to the mall on time for Santa pictures tonight. Ahh, a whole other post! Our girl is amazing and BEAUTIFUL!! She did so well with her visit to Santa, so friendly and accepting.

2. Gratitude and appreciation fall slightly away, as I search for a stronger word…We are FINALLY going to see my step-daughter tomorrow!! Thankful, thankful, thankful…

3. I am appreciative of the wonderful dinner that I anticipated cooking, but my hubby took over and completed, deliciously!

4. It was warm’ish today…of course, I didn’t really experience it until later in the afternoon, but I wasn’t BUNDLED up layer upon layer!!

5. While I am NOWHERE near where I hoped to be as far as preparations for Christmas, I am OK with that. I know that as long as everyone is healthy and together, that is all that matters most; the rest would only be a bonus.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Gratitude Journaling Day #4

1. My husband waking up with Makiya this morning…a little extra snuggly, sleepy time in bed is wonderful!!

2. Learning a new tip from a CHILDREN’s cooking show!! When cooking breaded chicken/pork: flour, then egg, THEN the batter…seemed to work quite well when I utilized the advice tonight!

3. I am thankful for helpful in-laws thinking ahead for Christmas Dinner-haven’t managed to talk to her yet, but, my sister in-law is getting us a “free” turkey for the LARGE family dinner!

4. I am grateful for the coffee that I sooo needed to wake me up this morning, yes, even after getting an “extra” hour of rest!

5. I am VERY grateful for the feedback I receive on my writing; I am filled with a warmth that fills my soul and I appreciate every word so much.

Ok, I admit, I DID miss out on writing my list yesterday, and fully INTENDED to fix that this morning, but…eek! Won’t let it happen again!!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Silent Appreciation

This journey, this life; what an incredible, amazing gift. It is hard sometimes, to fully recognize what we have, right there at our fingertips, within our grasp. We get so caught up in the daily chaos that we can’t see the lessons and gifts that are given to us in every instant, even the difficult times.

Marriage and motherhood can be hard, each in their own way and combined, whoa!!

There is no handbook, nothing that can prepare us for the unique situations and ups and downs that we will face and endure in our own personal ventures. There is no one person that can give the perfect advice that would solve every issue in our daily grind; and so we push forward. We open our eyes each morning, swing our legs over the edge of the bed and push on. There is no other option, we get up and face the day; whatever it has to offer, good or bad.

We love our spouses, turning our cheek at times, because that is what we pledged to do; in good times and bad… Our children offer the brightest light in those early hours of our day, innocent and eager, ready with full enthusiasm to face whatever comes to them.

We have those days; you know the ones, where you question your sanity, the days you wish you could crawl under the covers or wake up in a year that has long past.

Then we lock eyes with our husband in the quiet, dark hours of morning, or we go to get our child out of bed; this is where we should be, where we want to be, where we cannot imagine not being.

Day #2-Gratitude Journaling

1. I am so grateful for the recent contact with my step daughter! It is so exciting for her dad, I miss her so much too, and I am so hopeful for her to meet her sister!

2. Mmm, the smell of a delicious dinner of chicken, potato, onion, butternut squash and apples, rosemary and garlic….cooking all day in the crock pot; little work required early in the day with a perfect, simple dinner as a result.

3. TIME with my daughter; to learn her characteristics, her stories and her style of communicating.

4. I am appreciative of the surprise visit from hubby/daddy at lunch time; a nice pause in the middle of the day, for mom and Makiya!

5. I am so very grateful for the abundance of food, the ability to “stock up”, the extras we have been able to afford recently; a simple thing, yes, but having a freezer full is something that should never be taken for granted!

I am excited to be giving attention to these “little” things in my life, the wonderful things that flow in, sometimes without a second thought. What an opportunity for growth and understanding, and obviously, the chance to welcome MORE of all that I love and appreciate!

Amber Starfire and my mom, Linda Hoye, are the wonderful ladies that put me back on this journey of journaling my gratitude, so, I should add them as #6 on my list of Gratitude today!

31 Day Gratitude Journaling Challenge


Today, I give thanks, and I pause to reflect on all I have in my life to be grateful for.

1. I appreciate my husband and how hard he works for our family.

2. I am always grateful for baby girl; an abundant supply of smiles and laughter!

3. I am thankful that, while financially difficult at times, I am able to stay at home with Makiya, to experience every minute with her.

4. My wonderful best friend; our connection, understanding without words and our similar, yet different, minds.

5. I am full of gratitude for my mom who has, as it was when I was young, ignited (or re-ignited) my passion for writing and introduced me to a wonderful world of connecting, learning, Blogging and sharing…

I hope to keep up with this Gratitude Journaling. I tried once before several years ago, and quickly gave it up. No reason in particular, my life just took me away from it at the time. I have learned so much more in the years since, about Gratitude/Abundance and how if we only offer the respect that is warranted, we will enjoy so much more of the things that we can be grateful for in our lives. For a look at the inspiration behind this and some exciting information on the benefits of gratitude, I encourage you to check out this page.

PS. Wrote this a little late last night, but it is for December 1…

Monday, November 29, 2010

Me

I feel 17 inside in so many ways and I joke that I am 21 for life. I know that I have grown incredibly since those days, and in so many, too many ways too count. I have “matured”, I have reached the points where you realize: that is your mother speaking(?!), I have LEARNED. But it has always amazed me, given me a moment where I need to pause and reflect; I AM still that “young” girl in so many ways. I have wondered if it is for others the way that is for me…


Those little things about myself that have NEVER wavered, the thoughts, the hopes and dreams, what I see when I look in the mirror; I am STILL that “girl”. If I look hard enough, I can see the new little lines in my face, the changes in my skin, and I can of course acknowledge the things that have altered certain thought patterns/beliefs. But, I still see that “spark” in my eyes, I feel that energy; the one that consumes you with interest and naivety, and excitement, desire, curiousity… I am not growing older, I am growing wiser.

There are times that I question that “wiser” element of life. We live only once in this lifetime, we experience this life one time; tough times, hard times, it doesn’t matter, we must do what is required to live life to the fullest. As we “age”, our rationale, our vision of life and the future, our toleration; it all seems to shift, even just enough to rattle who we have believed ourselves to be. We question our beliefs and our actions, in many situations because that is what we have been taught SHOULD happen when we finally “grow-up”.

I kind of, I DO, refuse to accept that for myself. In true fashion of “ME”, I snub my nose at society’s expectations of my future. I fully accept, and welcome all I have yet to learn, but as for my true spirit, the “real me”, I am not going to do much in the way of changing.

I like, love, myself just the way I am. In and out, ups and downs, I am the person that I am, who I was intended to be and “perfect just the way I am”.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The New Purse

I had carried a purse for at least 15 years of my life; always black and usually with some type of “silver” detailing, but always varying in size and shape.

Each, and every, time I purchased a new purse, I would promise myself that this would be the one that would be kept neat and organized, and never overfilled. Roughly a month later, that promise would be a distant memory, leaving me with an overstuffed and cluttered junk drawer!

Towards the end of my life with a purse 2 years ago, I may have begun to go overboard, but at least I usually had whatever little thing might be required in a given situation! I carried, among many other typical and some not so normal items, a little flowered hammer with a handle that unscrewed to reveal a few different screwdrivers, a tape measure, and a multi-headed screwdriver. Ok, yes, I am/was an Interior Decorator, but it wasn’t my attaché/briefcase/work-kit, I carried this stuff in my purse!

In a sense, a portion of my world, who I am was carried in my purse, and I always kept it close at hand.

Then came mommy-hood. Enter, the DIAPER BAG. Well, let me tell you, I was pleasantly surprised to discover what I could carry in it! Never mind that it wasn’t as “stylish” (okay, I am not a FASHION-ista in ANY SENSE, but I DO know what looks good and what isn’t acceptable!), it had room for most anything I wanted/needed to carry!

Times, they are a’changing! The need for such a large bag is diminishing and the NEED for some little piece of ME is screaming out! So, a couple of days ago, I went out and brought home a little something for Mommy, a little beauty that I have been eyeing up.

She’s pretty; small, black (of course!), white stitching and including my favorite silver detailing! Just the right size for what I intend to fill it with put in the designated places. I pledge anew that she will be kept clean and clutter free, and this time, honestly, I mean it!

Friday, November 26, 2010

I AM Going...

As though a distant memory of another life, or perhaps a glimpse into the future of this life, I am at times overcome with a feeling of nostalgia, recollection so deep it seems to come from within the blood that flows through my body. A picture is all it takes. I am taken to a place inside that screams “take me there now! I miss being there…”

I have this vague knowledge in me that seems to come from my earliest memories, I recall books and shows, and as I watched, I KNEW these other countries, these other places were to be in my life. I would be there, no questions in my mind. There was to be this unbelievably amazing and magical life that was waiting for me; funny, the “magic” age that I always saw for myself, from a young age, was 45; still got a few years to go! Was/is it a naïve assumption that “it will come” to me? Could it possibly be something that is destined for me and I have always known it?

I can, at this time, only drink in, soak up and revel in these overwhelming feelings, glimpses, memories… Which is just fine for me, right now. I am taken to some beautiful places that I look forward to being in, and I WILL be there.

"I am going to that country which I have all my life wished to see." -William Blake

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Who I am

I am who I am; who I was intended to “be” on this journey. I am the person that I should be BECAUSE of what I have lived, not despite it.

I learned long ago that blame was pointless. I am and have always been responsible for my own life. Sure, there are things in my past that “shouldn’t have been”, but the fact remains, that IT WAS. Regret and blame fall to the side because it cannot be changed, I can only move forward. There is nothing that any one person could have DONE or NOT DONE differently in my life that would have changed who I am today, whatever their role at the time, however they responded to “me” in the moment, was exactly how it was supposed to have been.

The dark, the sad and the scary things I have lived through were necessary in bringing me to this point in my journey. While I may have experienced or done things that came from a place where I dare not step now, I learned so much during those times; if I take the time to honestly look at/examine the events.

As I continue to grow, I find myself wondering why we hide these truths about ourselves. What makes us feel reluctant to share the things that helped to create the person we’ve become? The harder we try to ignore where we came from and pretend that certain things never happened, the more pieces of ourselves we lose. To know who we are and where we are going, we must acknowledge where our roots began. To deny our past in any form only prevents us from really growing in every aspect of our journey.

If I can’t be open and honest about my truths, how can I believe that I have truly worked through and learned anything about my life and who I am?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Truth is Enough


One of her favorite pastimes when she was a teenager was hitchhiking. Typically, with at least one other girl, on quiet nights they would take rides looking for something to do. When she was 16, she and one of her younger friends found a ride with 2 older guys. They had a few drinks as they drove the streets of the small city, nothing serious and no harm done. Her friend was interested in the driver and had exchanged numbers with him.

A short time later, on a boring Sunday afternoon, this girlfriend called with an invitation to go with the guys for a few beers and a drive in the hills. It was right up her alley, so of course she accepted. After several hours and beers, she was quite buzzed and they were having fun listening to the Tragically Hip as they drove. Time flew, and she was actually surprised when they pulled up to a gas station, they had taken the back road ALL the way through to the next town. She was also concerned about the time. She lived her with “over-protective and strict” mom; curfew, especially a simple dinner curfew was just not something she usually ignored.

After much pressure from her girlfriend, who did not have such limitations in her home, and of course the guys, she gave in and called home offering an explanation of car trouble that would keep her out later than planned. She knew she was going to be in trouble, and at that point, her inhibitions what they were, she didn’t really care, and so she quietly accepted that they would continue on down the road a few more hours to another small town. They made several stops and had many more drinks before finally making the roughly 4 hour trip home.

She recalls how dark it was and how loud the music was as she sat in the backseat of the truck. She remembers feeling tired and numbed by the alcohol. The guy next to her started to move closer, his hand heavy on her leg. She felt the pressure of his large body as he closed in on her, suggestions becoming actions. She said no. Again, she said No. She repeated NO! The loud music drowned her out as she watched her friend turn with a smile, laugh and then she turned to make her own, welcomed, move in the front seat. She tried to resist as they struggled in that small backseat, but, he was heavy and she was drunk.

They finally made it home in the wee hours of the night. Her mom was obviously beyond angry and afraid for her daughter as she waited near the door. Too out of it to feel, too tired to care, she went in and took the reprimanding that she knew she deserved before her head managed to hit the pillow and succumb to sleep.

She offered no explanation, only hollow apologies as she fought the consequence of being driven to the front door of her school after only a few short hours of sleep; she was still intoxicated. She faced the ridicule of her friend, who insisted that she had obviously asked for it and then received. Her friend basically told her she deserved it and was on her own. And so, she questioned herself and her actions. She hadn’t the strength to fight back as she had wanted, so it must have given the ok. Under his force, his strength, she had given in and so that must have meant that inside she really did want it to happen.

She knew better, and so she relayed the events to a closer friend who insisted that she was not to blame, and what happened was NOT HER FAULT. She knew it was true, and yet, she said nothing to anyone else. She kept inside, where over the years she continued to question her roll in what happened. Years later, she had still wondered if she should have tried harder, screamed louder and resisted longer. She knew the truth, and that was all she needed.

Of course, some of you will instantly recognize my “use” of another voice in this piece, and to avoid questioning, I will admit that I am the “she” in the above.


I certainly do accept and recognize that the fault does not lie inside me, no matter the actions I took that led up to the events. I don’t ask for sympathy, or apology. I have dealt with it, not dwelled on it and have certainly moved past it. I am open to sharing these things because they are a part of me; who I was and who I have become. Since I was young, I have wanted the words that I wrote to touch another, to show them that they have never been alone in what they have experienced. I don’t mind sharing my inner self and experiences if it means that I can reach someone who needs to see that they aren’t the only one.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Eye See


Dad, little redheaded girl and mom, holding hands and laughing; the view of our little family as we walk down the sidewalk and turn the corner to enter the tall brick building that is the home of Makiya’s eye specialists. What is not visible; mom and dad’s hearts, tightening and beating fast.

Makiya, true to her blood lines, is very strong-willed. She does not like anyone touching her hair, looking in her mouth at her teeth, her ears; anything on her head, is out of bounds to her! Thus, the doctors have a hard time examining her, giving her a proper diagnosis. They have been able to slightly notice her eye that wanders outwards, but they can’t really tell the severity/depth of her problem, and have only said so far that her vision itself is perfect. This being the 4th appointment, finally we were given two conditions to “check out on the internet”; Intermittent Exotropia and Divergent Strabismus.


While they have assured us during this past year that it is NOT serious, we are rapidly heading down the road that says SURGERY for our baby girl’s eye problem. Very hard, no matter how you look at it, for the parents to handle! 30-40 minute operation that involves cutting the skin and tightening the muscle on her eye, and apparently children handle it MUCH better than adults; very comforting. During the last appointment, I was told that they wouldn’t consider surgery until she was at least 4 years old. Today, obviously because it isn’t improving, we were told that it could be around her third birthday.

We were sent home today with approval for our own current “technique” in drawing her eye back to focus, extra tips, papers to make flash cards and matching sheets from, preparation for appointment tips, websites, etc. and the wonderful waiting period of another 2 ½ months.

It is difficult to watch your child as her eye strays from its natural path, as it begins to bother her enough that she pulls at it, rubs, squints and points at it. She doesn’t have the words yet to express how it bothers her; is it an annoyance or painful? We wonder also if it is a silent blessing that our girl is such an avid “reader” at her early age; the constant focus on letters, words and pictures surely must attribute to the strength that does exist within the deterioration of this eye muscle?!

I can fully accept and make my attempts at understanding my own journey, all of the steps that I come to realize were necessary for me to walk; but, when it comes to your child, this all changes. As a parent, guide, leader, teacher, we only desire the purest, simplest and smoothest path for the little being in our care. We wish for not a pebble or dip in the roadway that is our baby’s life; we long only for calm waters to be the grounds of their journey. It breaks our hearts to see them in any arena of discomfort.

I guess that I should be thankful; A)she is young enough that we can likely resolve it early B)providing that we are able to resolve it now, she may not even have strong memories of the discomfort that now exists C)she is living an experience that will only open her mind to things she would never have known otherwise…



Grrrr… I suppose that this is another one of those journeys that we are meant to be embarking upon; a learning experience and path that is meant for each of us.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My Heart Breaks


I am a stay at home mom and literally spend all of my time with my daughter. Because I take this time with her, I know her little quirks, gestures, signs, words and attempts at words. While it is a constant learning process, for us both, for the most part I do understand her. I know that she is a little creature of habit, continuity and routine. I know that she likes things in their place, and can sometimes be distracted by something that is off. I know that after I read her “lullaby book” (in the dark!!), I must also read the description on the BACK of the book; after our goodnights, she has her special corner of her blanket in hand and is then covered, head to toe, by two other blankets. I know the little things that make my baby girl tick.


The other day it really hit me, these things I KNOW about my child.

I thought of the babies and children that are suddenly torn from their mothers, fathers or other “primary caregiver”. The complete devastation that must manifest inside these little beings as their world is ripped away from them in an instant. All of a sudden there is not ONE single person that understands their cry, their language or their routines. No one KNOWS them or understands who they are! They are, for whatever reason, taken away from the only truths, comforts and communication that they have ever known and been thrown into a foreign place. Their entire life, world and sense of self must obviously crumble before their innocent and uncomprehending little eyes.

It broke my heart as I thought of it then, and every day since. I see something on television, read something, or as I interact with my daughter, and I am taken back to this sad realization. Every day, there are so many little ones that have their lives torn apart!

It tears at my heart and makes me so grateful for the time I have with my baby girl. We are lucky, and I try to remind myself of that simple fact every day. I try to drink it all in, savor it and enjoy every minute, exactly as it is. I cannot imagine not having her in my life every day, and I can’t even fathom the confusion that would fill my little girls head if something were to take me away from her!

My heart goes out to those who have grown up to know these truths in the core of their souls, and to the precious other little ones that are right now facing this heartbreaking, life changing disturbance (? Understatement!) in their world.




Thursday, November 11, 2010

Disconnected

Every time I log onto the computer lately, “Disconnected” seems to pop up everywhere. Its screams reach out at me and echo within. A conversation with my BF found the word floating freely from both of our mouths.


Disconnected is exactly how I feel right now, on so many levels. I don’t feel connected to anything in my life. I am drifting slowly along the path like a zombie. I mindlessly perform required actions and find even the small tasks drain the energy from my body. Last night, by 7:30 PM I could literally not keep my eyes open. I was and am listless. My joints ache and my muscles hurt. My mind is full of many things, but, it’s like looking at a foreign language; none of it makes sense to me. The little things overwhelm me and cause my body to react as if faced with sensory overload. It is as though there are sirens and wind, flashing lights and screaming, my skin is crawling and my heart is racing, my chest feels tight and it is hard to breathe. Anxiety constantly consumes me from head to toe.

In an effort to cope, after pushing endlessly through, I have now become disconnected; the fact only causing more distress inside. I know that I will wake up one morning, and all will be back on track. Everything will return to “normal”. Do I want it to, I don’t know. Can I hang on, while that time only appears on the horizon as an imaginary oasis? Will my heart hold out, not suddenly seize up in the midst of an anxiety attack? Will I manage to wade through the growing puddle of tears?

I know there is no option, I can and will get through this. There are times when life seems to chew us up and spit us out distastefully. We become so intertwined with the daily pressures that the walls around us begin to suffocate us. In addition to everything else in our lives, we become wives, mothers and maids all in one, and suddenly, who we are becomes lost and confused. It can be scary and depressing. It can be overwhelming at times, but we have no other choice but move forward.

I will become “disconnected” from this passage and become part of a new one.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Time Change

After an already exhausting couple of weeks with Makiya’s suddenly confused sleep routines, we came upon Time Change. I was truly worried as we have already been dealing with 1:30, 3:30, 5:30 AM kind of waking with her; I mean WAKING UP, ready to face the day kind of awake! So I honestly was dreading what I would wake up to this morning.

4:30 AM comes awfully early. Especially when hubby and you agree to ride it out together, no matter the outcome, and stay up late! And then, hubby DOESN’T get up!

I suppose it was “technically” 5:30 as we like to say for the first couple of days. I was a little prepared physically I suppose, because we have been dealing with 5:30 pretty consistently as of late.

Makiya and I did our usual morning routine; change her training pants, grab her cup of milk and off to the couch to cuddle. This morning, I put on her new movie, Tinkerbell, and as she watched and flipped through her books, I had 10 minute little, almost sleep sessions. After almost an hour, I got to the coffee and was instantly ready to go! I wanted to get an early start on last minute errands and be ready to send off baby girl for the afternoon.

She went with Grandma to an older cousin’s birthday party; a family get-together, which means lots of cousins to play with! For hubby and I, it was a long overdue afternoon alone. We had shopping to do, which was still nice, because it has been quite awhile since we did that alone! Some time alone; and I will admit to thinking Makiya had to be upstairs having a nap and almost telling hubby to quiet down a few times!

Ah, my beautiful, growing up quickly girl!! Up so early, no nap, and a rare 6 hour, activity and adventure filled 6 hours away from mom or dad!! She seems to have fared wonderfully, and after only a brief, half hearted attempt at fussing, is soundly asleep.

I am hoping more than I can express, that between Time Change and her busy day, maybe we can begin to get back to a normal sleep schedule. Perhaps it is the perfect time for “change” in many senses.

This afternoon was such a nice, not often enjoyed, breath of fresh air for myself; it has left me at least slightly re-charged and ready to face whatever time the clock reads tomorrow morning when I hear “Mommy! Mommy… Daddy! Daddy…”

Friday, November 5, 2010

Walking In November

Yesterday we enjoyed another record breaking warm temperature day! It was 22 degrees in November on our streets! We went for an amazing walk, a mission really; I wanted to collect leaves to make simple placemats with; a first craft project for Makiya and I!


We stopped frequently, pausing to search for the perfect leaf and newest addition to our rapidly growing collection. We turned, felt and examined each leaf, looking for the freshest and most appealing to the eye. There was, of course, a stop at the park. Makiya was, as usual for her, excited and friendly as new children arrived; she ran to them waving and yelling “Hi! Hi! Hi!…”

We wandered out of the park and walked for several more blocks. Makiya would stop and sit on the edge of a yard, looking at the leaves, offering them to me as she went through. It was a long walk, so a few times I carried her a short distance; then she was ready to explore some more!

Our little Ziploc bag full of an assortment, we arrived home; Makiya was thirsty and ready to read some books! I pulled out the wax paper, iron and set up at the dining table. Makiya squealed as she hopped up onto my lap as I began to arrange the leaves on the paper. It only lasted a brief moment before she was off and back to her books, but it was our first attempt at a craft!

Sadly, I hadn’t realized there were some better options for putting this “placemat” together, and wound up with something that looks much prettier on the window! It is a little difficult to capture it in photo, but I still think it’s pretty!

We had a wonderful, magical time on that walk, and created a new tradition I hope; now I will also know how to put the placemat together in a much more visually appearing manner!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Little Friend

Halloween is over, but after reading this post  on a blog I follow, I was compelled to share my own experience of a little “friend” in the house!

I lived in an old house until I was 7 years old. It was the kind of house where amazing adventures and mysteries took place, were discovered and imagined. It was also very creepy; the scary basement that I rarely stepped into and the attic rooms we were not allowed to enter. There were always spiders, big ones, little ones, and beetles! Ugh!! Even back then I had vivid nightmares of being trapped in the attic with all of these creepy crawly things surrounding me! My bed would shake a little sometimes, and one night I went downstairs to tell my dad; his response was that it was only the train. Of course! How could it not be the train that was several very large blocks away from our house! I also had an “imaginary friend” named Miranda who lived in the house. She was a little blonde girl, older than I was by a couple of years. We would play and talk together; even my parents witnessed me having conversations with her. We had a lot of fun, and I cannot remember ever feeling scared by her.

As I grew, I saw her less and less; by the time I was 7 years old and we were moving down the street, she was virtually non-existent. I remembered her and would think of her, but I don’t recall seeing her. Shortly after we moved, I was woken one night by crying; I could hear what sounded like a little girl whimpering. Curiousity led me out of my room to peek into my younger brother’s room where I thought I would find him having a bad dream, but it wasn’t coming from there. There wasn’t a tv or radio on; my parents were both asleep and it hadn’t come from our cats or dog either.

But I knew what it was. Miranda had come to check on me, to be sure that I was safe before she left me forever.

I never forgot about Miranda, and had no shame in sharing our story with friends. I knew she was not a made-up, imaginary play friend, she was a real little girl that I was lucky enough to see. I always had the sense that something had happened to her, which I guess explains why she was there, she was stuck.

9 years later, when I was 16, I was re-united my second oldest sister; we had not spoken or seen each other since she left home when I was about 3 years old. I quickly learned that my friend Miranda, had also been my sisters friend. She had the same name, same blonde hair and we shared similar experiences with her. Our older sister had witnessed her sitting up in bed at night, talking and playing with Miranda. Miranda would also shake my sisters bed; ha ha ha dad, so much for your train explanation!

Although we didn’t grow up together, my older sister and I have always been very similar in our personalities and characteristics. I imagine that is why Miranda chose to reveal herself to the both of us and no one else in our family. She knew that we WOULD see her, and I guess she felt comfortable and safe with us.

Over the years I have experienced little signs or glimpses of spirits, but nothing like what I experienced with Miranda. I think of her and our time together quite often actually. It is a little mystery that I hope to one day know more about; who she was and what happened that left her stuck in that house. My sister and I have our theories of course, but as of yet been unable to actually learn anything. Perhaps we never will.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Wandering

I am finding myself walking through my days a little as though in a “zombie” state; perhaps even a little as though I am LIVING IN the movie “Groundhog Day”! I am taking each step but with no thoughts behind them, and a little as though I am walking amidst a thick fog. I feel like nothing is fresh and new. Everything feels stale, like old bread; it’s ok, but really could be a lot better!


I feel bored, exhausted, achy and dull. I try to keep a smile on my face, but it feels so phony that I would rather not even bother! I don’t even have the energy to look for the light, the rays of sunshine to point me in the right direction! I am stuck, in a pit of quicksand. My mind wonders if this is a signal, a warning to make some changes? How could it not be, especially when all we face comes to us with a purpose?

I know it will pass and all will return to its version of normal. I will suddenly be drenched in a new chapter and give little, if any, thought to the state of blah that I am currently in.

Until then, my eyes will continue to search for a clue. My mind will keep wandering and my body will take this time to regenerate itself. I will be ready when the door opens to welcome me through.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Turning Points

As an insecure child who had recently begun to find herself, starting her first year in high school at age 12 with a back brace was a serious problem. She hadn’t managed to fully connect with her new found confidence yet, and this new factor only brought about a deeper and scarier lack of acceptance of herself. She was too self conscious to be honest and up front; she couldn’t admit to anyone that she had a condition, Scoliosis, which required her wearing the brace to correct her spine. She, instead, drew closer to herself and farther away from all of the new people she was faced with in the classrooms and hallways. She dreaded the rush between classes, afraid that someone would bump into her and notice that beneath her clothing, something felt odd. She tried, effortlessly, to avoid gym class; not wanting anyone to see her remove the brace, she would hide in the shower stalls to change clothes. She certainly couldn’t get close to any boys, for fear that they would judge and tease her. So, for the most part, she kept it hidden. She changed her clothing style, she adopted a different way of carrying herself and interacting with others. She hid the most delicate parts of herself then…and still does in many ways…


I look back now and can see what an injustice I did myself. I allowed myself to remain silent and to be an unwilling participant in so many opportunities; out of fear. Fear of the unknown I can only deduce, because now I see what a small part of our lives that time really is. I watch the new movies and tv shows about high school, and honestly it makes me kick myself EVERYTIME! While of course I recognize and have gratitude for the way I spent those years instead, but in other ways I sometimes feel that I robbed myself by allowing my insecurities to turn me down a different path.

Just as it was when I “broke free” of the spell my parents held over me as a child, I exploded onto the scene of my life when I lost that brace. I really AM grateful that I have walked in my own shoes, but, there are times when one takes a moment to pause and wonder…

Would I trade it now; would I choose to do it differently?

A loud and clear “NO” flashes before my eyes.


Oh, this is causing the wheels of the mind to spin; deeper into the insight I go...!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Excited to Be Writing

I am very excited about getting more involved with my writing.


-I am enjoying my blogging; it is wonderful connecting with all of you! I love the feedback and the pure beauty and joy that I am finding in the connections that I have made.

-I have two separate submissions sent out, now I have to WAIT about a month to hear whether I “make the cut” on them!!

I have shared that my mom has inspired me to get back to my writing, and Story Circle Network was something that she shared to help get me started. It has been nearly a year, and I am just now getting more involved!

-I was enlisted by mom to get involved with a new blog that will be starting in January 2011 One Woman's Day
-I just signed up with an SCN Writing Circle too. I am very excited about this, who wouldn’t be? To have a place where you can get feedback and encouragement with your writing; PERFECT!!

-I am also hoping to become a Book Reviewer with SCN. I have to begin at the bottom, find a book of my own choice, write a review, submit, and then there are several other steps/trials before I am “accepted”, but again, something I am hopeful and excited to become involved with!

I wanted to share a link with you as well; I had been looking for this when I did my posts honoring October 15th as a National Day of Remembrance for Lost Babies.

Here are also the links to my posts:

October 15th and I Smile Now

Happy Monday, I hope you have a great week!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Makiya PUTS HERSELF in Time-Out

Yesterday, my little girl, who is only a couple months away from being two, showed me a glimpse of our life when she is, at the very least, a “pre-teen”…


I was busy getting dishes and counters cleaned up in the kitchen when she dumped out the box containing her Dora puzzle in the hallway. I asked her to pick them up and she said no, in that way she has; little smile, arms sway as she does a little defiant twist. I was pre-occupied, so we battled a little for a few moments;

“Makiya, pick them up.”
“No.”
Makiya, please listen to mommy.”
“No.”
“Makiya! Listen to mommy! I asked you to pick up your puzzle please!”
“No.”
 “Makiya, do you want to go for a time out?”
“Hmph.”

So, I started the countdown, “One……., Two……” She turned around and headed towards the puzzle finally. I smiled a little to myself, thinking “ahh, thank you…” I then said, “that’s good, thank you honey.” I realized then that I was not hearing a sound, certainly not the sound of her putting them in the box, so I went around the corner and she wasn’t there. I looked around the other corner into the dining room, and there she was, sitting on the little couch that we have been using for time outs. She had PUT HERSELF in time out!

My little toddler was telling me something; “I DO NOT want to pick it up, period, end of story. If you want to argue with me, fine, I will go sit down and “think about it.””

Friday, October 22, 2010

PLEASE read this, something is seriously wrong with our world....

My jaw just dropped as my husband just told me this story about someone he knows, I am hot with anger and need to share this! Here in Calgary, with ALL the S—t we are seeing on the news about the FREAKS that are in our neighbourhoods, something like this happens!!!


A 15 year old girl got home late a few nights ago and went to have a shower in her room. Her older sister was downstairs and heard a noise outside, so she went to tell her mom’s boyfriend to go check it out. He went outside to CATCH a man with a camera, flashlight, gloves and balaclava watching through the window! He naturally pinned the guy down and had his girlfriend call 911. 911 told her they needed to let the guy go (in case of weapons etc.)!!! She, knowing that her boyfriend WOULD NOT do that, told them so. The police showed up, took the FREAK in, questioned him, escorted him to his car (which was parked a short distance away) and then escorted him home. No searching of his vehicle, no charges…NOTHING!!

This is LUDACRIS and RIDICULOUS!! And I am seriously sick to the stomach right now.

Does She Remember?

I once knew a pretty little girl who was blonde and chubby; like a little cherub. She was only 2 years old; adorable, smart and already very strong willed. She had a family, a mom and a dad. Her mom was strong and faithful and her father, the complete opposite.

This little girl was taken along on many wonderful adventures with her daddy. She was also taken on travels that she didn’t deserve to be a passenger on.

I have thought of her often over the years; vividly remembering her sweet face. I have thought of my own childhood memories, and the depths that they are able to sometimes reach. It has made me wonder of this girl’s own recollections.

Does she recall sitting in the backseat of her daddy’s car while he met with another woman who was on her coffee break? Does she remember seeing him steal intimate glances, touches and words with someone that was not her mommy? Did she feel the bump in the road the night her daddy hit something; and the panicked feelings from him that, no doubt, quickly filled the car? Does she remember the loneliness that she must have felt on the night her mommy went to the hospital (to give birth to her baby sister) and her daddy didn’t even stay with her (because he wanted to be alone with another woman)? Does she know that while her brand new little sister was in the hospital, clinging to a life that would not manage to sustain her, and her mommy was alone in her grief, her daddy wasn’t even there? Can she still hear the whimpers in the night; the tears her mommy surely cried as she sat up at night wondering and waiting?

Did there come a time when it all began to make sense to her or did she manage to escape that knowledge, safe and secure in the role of Daddy’s Little Girl?

I have thought of that little girl so many times over the years; hoping that she turned out to be happy, strong and safe. I have hoped that her family managed to recover from the many trials they faced in that time. She would now be the age I was when we met, and I hope that she is on a safer and more care-free path than I was walking back then.

I was 17 years old when I met this family, during a tumultuous time in my own life. I was living with my dad when he became friends with the little girl’s daddy. As a family, and without the rest of the family, there was a lot of time spent at our house.

We no doubt learned from each other many valuable lessons; no matter how sad, reckless and unfortunate those circumstances were. For a short time I carried anger and regret for my experiences with them, but I have come to accept and appreciate the knowledge that I gained. “Un-necessary” lessons learned at a very young age become insights that I am thankful to now have, 15 years later.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Entranced


The sun shone brightly and the ground was fresh after a light sprinkling of rain. My hands trembled as we pulled into the parking lot. Suddenly, I was blanketed in silence and my eyes saw nothing but the man standing a few yards away. His freshly cut hair, his crisp suit and hands clasped together before him; I could feel the amazing energy that he was projecting, and it quickly joined with my own. Our eyes met from a distance and I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling up.


I carefully dabbed the tears away, drew in a deep, calming breath and smiled; I was more than ready. I had no lingering questions or doubts; I KNEW what I was about to do and wanted it with my entire heart and soul.

As if proceeding through a fading dream sequence, I began to walk the path towards this man. It was as though everyone was standing in the beautiful mist before a waterfall; I could see faces for a brief moment and then they were gone, a new person before me. I heard voices that seemed to be off in a faraway place; and the music that softly began as I walked by, quickly joined that distant, soft, white noise. I glanced around at the people I knew were there, hoping they couldn’t see that I was entranced and only floating by them.

Our eyes met again, and for an instant I struggled to keep it all inside. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken as I noticed the wet path of tears down his cheeks. Our smiles reached out and become a part of each others in that moment; just as our hearts and lives were about to be forever connected.

I stared at the man, who in just a short time would become my Husband, and I felt peace and pure joy. He took my hands and it was all that we could do to keep ourselves from diving into the others arms and closing our eyes; locked in our own private world. Together, we released the moment in a gentle burst of laughter and quiet words…

The minister began, “We are joined here together today…”

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Some Days...

-I laugh when I mean to cry.

-I cry when I mean to laugh.

-I would rather stay under the warm covers and not open my eyes for a month.

-I would prefer to sit in complete solitude; no computer, no music, no tv…NOTHING but silence.

-I feel so lonely.

-I want to run FAR away from my life.

-I feel lost.

-I have ZERO physical or mental energy.

-I wake up TOTALLY rejuvenated and ready to devour the world.

-I remember what I wanted to forget.

-My mind would rather forget the things I DO know.

-I forget EVERYTHING I wanted to do.

-I DO want to step back in time.

-I am at peace.

-I feel vicious.

-I am elated.

I guess it shows me what an amazing gift to live in this life of mine; the journey that we all walk while here.

The multitude of sensations that we are ABLE to experience is a beautiful thing. The twists and turns are something to be admired and feel gracious for. I would much rather FEEL anything then have no response whatsoever to this life. Without the “bad” there could never be any “good”.

I am grateful for the rise and fall of sensations and emotions that I CAN and DO experience.

Alive

The breeze gently kissed her skin as she stepped out into the day. She felt it lift her hair, ever so slightly, as though announcing to her “You have arrived.”

Each step giving her a new sensation, a little like she may actually be floating through the air.

She felt alive in a sense that she had never experienced before now.

She was seeing the world through new eyes; ones that seemed to have magically appeared in the moment.

She drew in the beauty of nature and life that surrounded her as though she was inhaling oxygen. It was “necessary”, “required”, and yet a source so wondrous she couldn’t fully comprehend.

She felt the smile grow wider across her face and she giggled aloud like a delighted child.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Other Side-She Walked Away

She had stood in this place before. The feeling washed over her like déjà vu; like a dream sequence that was playing out before her open eyes.

She knew, with a knowledge that came from a place she could not fully comprehend, that she had but two choices before her. She could either swallow her words or speak them now, louder than ever before. For an instant, she paused.

She was stronger now. She had more clarity. She had the wisdom and foresight to know better. Her heart skipped a beat leaving her feeling lighter than air. It lifted the corners of her lips into the smallest hint of a smile. She almost laughed aloud.

She realized that to utter a single word would only draw her in; pull her to a place she now saw as forbidden. To speak now would only succeed in taking her into a tornado that she could no longer withstand.

She turned around. She allowed the grin to spread across her face. She walked away; deaf to the angry, confused and irrational noise that she heard behind her.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

October 15th - Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

I came across this many years ago... As it did then, it brings me peace, warmth and smiles.


Beyond Dreams Edge – Debbi Dickinson Naperville, Illinois

Three new children play tonight
In a land beyond dreams edge
Instead of sand, they play with stardust,
Getting glitter sparkles on their hands.

Instead of coloring books,
They color rainbows
For God to place in the sky,
His promise to us below.

Instead of jumping rope,
They jump strands of sunlight.
Braided strong by His might,
Forever shining bright.

Instead of riding bikes,
They spread their wings
And fly to distant stars,
As all the angels sing.

Instead of snow slopes,
They slide down moonbeams,
Irridescent glowing streams,
Landing in heavenly green.

Instead of TV,
They watch sunrises, sunsets,
And all that transpires in between,
Secure that God knows best.

Instead of playing ball,
They catch stars,
Before they fall,
Loving the wonder of it all.

Instead of bouncing on their beds,
They bounce on clouds,
Their laughter echoes about,
Just beyond dreams edge.

We meet at night in prayer.
I quietly wait to see them there,
Golden haloes on their heads,
In a land beyond dreams edge.

I Smile Now-October 15th is Stillborn and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I walked for a time, my heart in your hands.

I dreamed of our time together and the love that would be.

I felt the warmth from your soul as it intertwined with my own.

I wept tears for us both when they said you would go.

I can see a sweet face that I know must be yours.

I smile now, as I know you are safe.


I posted this a few hours ago, and I have since remembered a newstory that I heard last month.

October 15th is Stillbirth and Infant Loss Awareness/Rememberance Day.

I cannot seem to find a link to the news piece that I watched now, and there are so very many other sites that come up when you do a search for the day. I wasn't sure which to choose; so I ended up picking the top two: Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stillbirth_Remembrance_Day because it gives alot of great information and  http://www.october15th.com/

My heart goes out...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"Going Without" Can Actually Be "Gaining So Much More"

There are those things that we are conditioned to see as “required” or “necessary”, but when taken away, we realize that we will be just fine, life will/must continue and perhaps a little harder work is needed.


Miraculously, in the eyes of my girlfriend, I can and do just fine “without” some of those things that others just would not live without. I have, of course, already learned that there is no sense fighting what IS (or isn’t if the case may be). Kicking, screaming and pouting will not bring about the “desired” result, so it is best to accept it and move forward; do what needs to be done. Maybe, luckily, there is a little of my creative side that comes out, survival mode of course, and I imagine some stubbornness (“I’m FINE, I can DO IT!!”).

I am certain that my husband, and surely plenty of others, would look at me like I may just be crazy, but I can and do see and accept the gifts that truly lie behind any and all struggles that we face. I can put a smile on my face KNOWING that our life will continue and we will get past whatever is before us.

I honestly don’t get caught up in fantasies of what could or should be, or what I would prefer to be happening in my life. Of course, at times, that can be a problem in itself; to simply take what comes with no action of my own to make a desired/needed change. But, I have the trust that leaves me comfortable in knowing that no matter how difficult, I am meant to be here and I will make it through to reach the next adventure in my life journey.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'm Going to Read Now...




Well, I have taken some days off writing, and although it has been a great Thanksgiving Weekend, wonderful visiting with mom (and having HER turkey dinner!!) and enjoying a trip to the corn maze, I have found myself with no words!

Perhaps I am just ABSORBING, taking it all in and savoring it. Maybe I am still stuck in the blahs? I suppose it is a combination of them both.

My mind is feeling a little, hmm, listless? So, brilliantly, I decided to sign out some “food for thought” kind of books from the library today. A selection of Stillness Speaks – Eckhart Tolle (one of my favorites!), The Secret Life of Water – Masaru Emoto and, da da da, Philosophy 101-Selections from the Works of the Western World’s Greatest Thinkers. Well I sit here now pondering “what the heck I was thinking” with that last selection!! Firstly, I intended to find something on EASTERN philosophies (distracted by Makiya’s “Maaahhh-mmeee” as she raced through the library with poor Grandma!) and secondly, wow, is this really what I want to tackle right now?! I’ve found some DEEP reading here!! Ah, well, as I said, something to stimulate the brain; I suppose I found THAT!! I AM excited about my selection though, however slightly daunting one of them may be!!

So, instead of struggling some MORE with my words, I think it is time for me to settle in with my books and re-charge myself!!

PS. I am thankful for the wonderful time with family and of course the MANY smiles and laughs that my daughter brings me every day!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

A New Blog

My mom passed me the link to this new blog, The Story Of Enna Scott, and it is VERY intriguing!! I just wanted to share it with you...

http://ennascott.blogspot.com/

Happy Thanksgiving Song

I just wanted to share this with you... A great blog with a fantastic link to an Adam Sandler Thanksgiving song!! I had never heard it before, and it is pretty cute!!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend... We are excited to be taking Makiya to the Corn Maze (petting zoo, train rides, pumpkin patches!!) with her Grandmas tomorrow, and then my mom will be cooking turkey dinner for us, for the first time in MANY years...looking forward to the gravy mom!! ;)

Hope you enjoy this song as much as I did!!
http://dwolfs.blogspot.com/2010/10/we-used-to-just-ask-whats-your-sign.html

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

We Are Closer Than We Realize

There are days when you log onto the internet and are astounded to see that many others have the exact same things on their mind as you! Every place you look, another person is letting out words that mirror your own; as though they are speaking directly to YOU. The content stems from a similar place, but is so magically different; each a fresh perspective to draw from.

I find it so intriguing that people so distantly a part of our lives, living drastically different lives and circumstances would find days that they are instantly and deeply connected on the same level with each other. I do always say that every person is in our life for a reason; teacher or student, but I find this particularly exciting. An inner ripple, a wave in our energy that seems to speak out loud enough to resound in another that is inside our very own circle; however seemingly “insignificant” or deep that relationship is. Minds joined together on another “plane” and each came back to find words that expressed thoughts reflecting their OWN perception of the union.

As we appear to be separate entities on similar voyages; to discover the mind and words of another that is on the same journey as our own. How very beautiful.

I am so grateful for my “teachers” and “students”. Thank you for stepping onto the path and walking with me for a time.

Divine guidance often comes when the horizon is the blackest. - Ghandi

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

One of THOSE Days

Some days, while you know better, it is just EASIER to succumb to the gloomy feelings that surface. It feels comforting to be wrapped in the arms of the darkness. Allowing yourself to sink into the heaviness of the day and feel its weight upon your body feels RIGHT. Sometimes we just have to give in and BE with the gloominess.

I would suppose that there is something inside that wants to be heard and this is its way of calling out to you; something we need to learn, to remind ourselves or simply acknowledge for what it really is. But, it can sometimes be really heard to listen and watch for these signals; the glimpses of truth, when we are draped in the solace of our “grumpiness”.

Some days, giving into the embrace of a black mood is just what we need. It comes from within and is only asking for recognition. It is coming from some part of us that just NEEDS to be in that state of lower vibrations and slower energy.

In the desert I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.

I said, “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter-bitter,” he answered;
“But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart.”

– Stephen Crane

Monday, October 4, 2010

Quieting the Shadow

The shadow, no longer content to be alone in the darkness, called out to me; “Come play with me.” It knew that I was listening and that I just might give into its childish plight. I had been feeding it little pieces of insecurity, doubt and ego. It’s eyes and mouth wide open now, begging to come to life. Damn thing is watching and waiting; ready to pounce!

I whisper softly “It’s only real if you let be; open your eyes and it will disappear.” I take a deep breath as I force my body into motion; lifting my heavy feet, I command them to move forward. With all my strength I begin to move away from the shadow, slowly backing away and then turning and walking quickly; I finally scream out “I can’t hear you!”

I am running now and can hear its movement behind be; gaining on me. I think that maybe I waited too long and it is going to catch up with me! I let it get too close!

Suddenly, I realize that I am not running, but moving effortlessly down the path; it is peaceful and calm. I am surrounded by beauty, seeing as though for the first time; I am captivated. I feel an overwhelming sense of wonder and possibility; I realize that I am back where I was intended to be all along.

Feeling secure, I chance a look backwards and catch a glimpse of the shadow; I laugh because I can see it for what it really was and I can’t believe that I was afraid.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Learning to Appreciate My Life Experiences

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


I have learned through the years to accept and have gratitude for the steps I took as a kid. My path was rocky and full of twists and turns. I took difficult circumstances and turned them into overwhelming disaster. Figuratively and literally; I was dramatic. I insisted on learning truths on my own, accepting that I would face consequence without REALLY knowing how seriously devastating that could be. I wanted to experience EVERYTHING; from this side and that, right side up and upside down, inside and out. I chose to open doors and walk through, even though I knew what I was about to embark on may have been morally and personally WRONG. I numbed myself in every imaginable way; that was the only way to get up and look in the mirror some days. I turned myself off and “decided” that I really didn’t care anyways.

“Curiousity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind.” – Samuel Johnson 1751

I had younger friends who were taken in by the stories I had to tell; even some of the older friends, family and even one of my (too young) counselors all seemed to be (of course shocked and amazed) mesmerized, in a sense, with the things I had to share. There was an air of excitement that seemed to be given to the tales of my mis-adventures! I had an audience that wanted more; I was doing things that were taboo and, we all know how as human beings we LOVE to know more about what others are doing, ESPECIALLY when it’s of the dangerous/naughty nature! As much as they were interested in the goings on of my life, I too was curious; I HAD to know how the “Other Side” lived and why they did what they did. I couldn’t settle for what was expected, required or demanded; I needed to know and feel more than that.

“No one can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.” – Hawthorne

It wasn’t ME though. I was playing a part; I had taken on a ROLE with my entire heart, soul and body. I KNEW that the majority of my actions were not coming from my authentic self and I knew that I was the one DOING these things; yet I couldn’t seem to find my way out of the tumbleweeds. I, of course, got tired and worn out; pretending takes more of a toll on a person than when they are coming from a genuine place. I knew that I couldn’t continue down the road I was on.

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Carlos Castaneda

I was very “depressed” in those days and could NEVER seem to “see the light at the end of the tunnel.” All of the things that I had wanted and tried to think, believe and feel weren’t “working” for me and I began to doubt it ALL. Finally, I began to see that I WAS and COULD BE so much greater than the things I was doing.

“Doubt is often the beginning of wisdom.” – Dr. M. Scott Peck

Although it has taken many years, and, in many ways I am still working on it, I slowly began to see the experiences that I lived through as lessons. I began to appreciate the moments in time for what they truly were; gifts of understanding and knowledge. As I get back to my writing, I find myself examining things on a much deeper level and am finding new perspectives and appreciations in every place that I look. Everything that I have gone through has brought me to the place I am now at in my life, which means that I have a lot to be thankful for. I KNOW how much I have grown and can now, honestly, begin to attribute that to some of the hard times and the people that I used to think deserved not a second thought. I DO NOT regret a single moment.
I sometimes don’t understand why I do what I do in the moment; the choices I make confuse and stun even me at times. At the end of the day, it all makes perfect sense.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Hope's Breath is an AMAZING Breath of Fresh Air

I came across an absolutely BEAUTIFUL blog recently and just really wanted to share it. I am totally blown away, almost rendered speechless EACH and EVERY time that I read her posts. She takes my breath away with her insights, her wisdom and just an overwhelming sense of PEACE overall.

Please take a moment to stop by http://hopesbreath.blogspot.com/ .

Looking into The Eyes of "The Source"

I am watching a dance outside my window. The branches giving a natural, loving push to the leaves as they twirl and spin away, floating in the breeze; freer than ever before. The colors that move before my eyes are like the backdrop of a stage; the grand place where the dance of life plays out.


The wind is whispering to my soul; “can you feel it now?”

The sun is illuminating the beauty within.

The ground, covered in a soft blanket of yellows and oranges, calls out; “walk with me.”

I am a student of life itself. The world is my classroom. Each moment is a lesson; a gift. Each person or animal that I encounter is my teacher. Nature is the constant reminder of The Source; that place, that energy, that being from which we all have emerged and are a part of now and forever.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

An Expression of Gratitude

Sometimes we are reminded that someone actually HAS played an important part in our life, though we hadn’t realized it. We suddenly discover the purpose behind their coming into our lives. As though we’ve put on a new pair of glasses and we have a new, crisper and clearer vision; we can see this person for who they REALLY are and why they have been a part of our life.

When I was 15, my boyfriend brought a shot gun to school hidden under his jacket. We had dated for 6 months and were coming to a rough end to the relationship. Rumors, of course, said he planned to use the gun on me, or he was going to shoot us both and others said there was no plan, he just wanted to scare me.

This situation of course caused a lot of drama at school between me and several others. Everyone wanted to blame me for the trouble that he was now in and a lot of people “hated” me. (Never mind that he was a young adult with a mind of his own!) People hated me; especially the girlfriend of one of his “groupies”. She would push me into the lockers every time that she passed me in the hallways, of course call me names and generally try to make my life hell. One morning she found me alone in the smoking pit at our school and grabbed me by my wrists and began pushing me around the area saying nasty things to me. That was probably one of my first “serious” or physical confrontations with somebody, and I was unprepared with how to handle it. I was scared. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, another group of people came out. 1 girl didn’t think of what anyone else would say or do; she came right over and told her to let go and leave me alone.

This girl and I knew OF each other, though at that point we likely only knew the other’s name and not much else. Over the next 2 years that we were in high school our circles touched occasionally; we would casually have a cigarette together at school or meet up at a party. I have always remembered her as one of the girls that was usually quite happy, always friendly, funny and fun to be around; but we were by no means close or spent any real time together. Almost 15 years later we came across each other on Facebook and added each other as friends. We have commented on the others page a few times, but nothing in depth. I discovered she had a blog around the same time as mom was urging me to start my own; I was very intrigued and inspired by it. She has a beautiful family, a lot of friends, she takes amazing photos and just appears to be at a really great place in her life. I was overcome with feelings of happiness for her; which is strange considering our lack of closeness. In the end, I would honestly say that it was because of my visits to her blog, getting a glimpse into her world, I decided to give it a try. I can’t fully explain why, but it compelled me go ahead in a way that my mom had not succeeded.

She popped into my head last night as I was getting ready for bed; seeming to come up like one of those unexplainable things that need further exploration or acknowledgement. It struck me that this person, despite how little we actually know about each other, has played an important role in the chain of events of my life TWICE. I always refer to my believing that every person is/has been in our life for a reason, no matter how big or small. I can only say that she was there when I “needed” her. Once, to show me I was not alone, to blame or deserving in the situation that I faced as a kid, and again too guide me back/towards expressing myself the way I always have and always wanted to do. She has seemed to bring a candle to dark hallways that had left me feeling paralyzed by fear or lost in a faceless crowd. While I may not have realized it in the moments, she has been sent to me exactly when I needed her to be there.

While these things may seem insignificant to another, I realized last night that they were monumental for me. I can see and have a fuller appreciation for the fact that she taught me a lot; I wasn’t alone, I didn’t deserve to be a scapegoat, I could have strength, I had a voice, I could be myself and not be afraid of being accepted. While of course I realize that, most likely, she has no idea the role she played for me or the teacher that she was for me. I feel the need to in some small way express my gratitude for this woman and her place in my life. Thank you.
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