Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Grateful Bear

I am grateful.
I am grateful, and proud of myself, for the hard work I have been doing these past ten months on my Healing and Recovery Journey.

Tonight, I REACTED instead of responding.
I felt as though I had reached a breaking point.
I was mad; stemming from sad as they would say.
Rejected by an original player in the games that have spun ‘round and ‘round inside of me.
Looked down upon, scornfully.
Provoked and belittled; poking the bear…
Poking the MAMA BEAR as the attack now threatens my daughter’s sense of self-worth and belonging.

I am now able to acknowledge that those harsh words and voices hurling towards me are part of the past.
I can recognize the depth of the turmoil that still has this individual drowning in pain as they continue to spew the very same hurtful words from childhood that created these storms to begin with.

These days, it’s much easier to accept these things for what they truly are/were.

It is easier to stand up for myself, to realize when I need to put up a boundary, or even a wall.

I know that I deserve so much more than I have allowed myself to believe I was worthy of, and that recognition has me far less tolerant of half-ass people in my life, and especially in my daughter’s life.
It pisses me off as I realize that the lack of effort shown by people that claim to care about us is the clear indicator of where we truly fit into their lives.

I am done chasing people.

It doesn’t matter who they are, or who they were.

If I, or my girl, am not “good enough” to be shown respect and kindness, then the door will close.

I am finished tolerating conditional, difficult, one-sided, phony relationships of any kind.

I may have “reacted” tonight, but more importantly, I stood up against selfish disregard.

I also responded.

I responded by assertively expressing my refusal to be treated disrespectfully.

I appreciate my growth, and am so glad that I am finally believing in myself, and beginning to command the respect that I am worthy of.

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