Catch and Release

I sit back with new clarity, and I can see the circumstances I have been faced with lately for what they are: more practice and testing of my skills and tools.

The same situations, people, feelings and/or behaviors continue to pop up because I haven’t learned my lessons yet, or still!! Despite the progress I have been making with loading up that cardboard box (from my containment exercise), they keep creeping out, “Hello!! Have you forgotten about me? I am still heeeere!! Pay attention to me!!"

As I type this, I realize that this, right here, is another example of my growth, my healing and recovery!

(And I am PROUD!!)

Awareness. The growing ability to “contain” them when necessary. The expanding proficiency that enables me to look them in the eyes and say “What’s up? What do you WANT? NOPE. I don’t think so! That is not true. It’s no longer allowed. SEE YA!! GET BACK IN THE BOX!!” The increasing prowess that allows me to see them clearly, walk through my feelings, reaching the other side, exhausted and weak, but of course, stronger for it.

Acceptance and letting go. That is a massive struggle. It has been the struggle as far back as I dig; I never seemed to learn to accept and let go of ANYTHING. Only the continual “What if?”, “If only…”, “It’s because they did…”, and “It’s because I did…”. I sit here carrying the tremendous weight of so many unnecessary things that weren’t even mine to carry, and I have done so for years. Things that have no relevance now, in my adult life. These things, people, behaviors were a part of who I was THEN. It doesn’t matter what that looked like, or how difficult as it might be to ACCEPT now, I must. I was who I was then. With or without the healthy skills, tools, self-awareness, acceptance, respect, and/or love, it just WAS. I can’t go back and fix or change any of it.  And that is OK.

I thought that I had already begun to heal those parts of myself. I now realize that I truly had not gotten close. I must deeply accept and own, that that person WAS me, that was my life, THEN. I have reminded myself, repeatedly, reciting Maya Angelou’s quote, “When you know better, you do better.”, and while I truly believe it to be true, my actions and self-talk have not matched up.

I haven’t fully accepted that young girl as she was then. I haven’t faced her, truly forgiven her, or completely disclosed to her any of the actual facts about anything; which would absolutely relieve her from the crushing burden of guilt and shame that she has carried. I haven’t genuinely allowed her to process, heal and move on.

It’s kind of like fishing. You’re sitting out in the boat on a calm and beautiful day, when suddenly you feel the familiar tug on your line. Without a clear vision of what is really on that hook, you begin to reel it, bringing it in for a closer look. You assume it’s going be a big one, what with the effort required as you struggle to bring it to the boat. There it is in the net. With gratitude and admiration, you inspect it, take stock, and maybe you realize that it’s not quite the fish you were hoping for, or perhaps you intended to set it free to begin with, so you then release it.

No tears. No anger. No bargaining. No guilt or shame. You just let it go.

My goal now, is doing the work to heal the Complicated Grief I have in relation to the oh so many events/situations, people, and of course, deaths that have been smothering me. I can begin to muddle through each stage in order to reach acceptance of all these things, where I will then finally let it all go.

I will finally find freedom. I will finally find peace.

The amazing and wonderful part is, I don’t have to look very hard anymore. I can see them. I can feel the cool, airy, weightlessness of liberation and serenity begin to swirl around me, tickling the hairs on my arms, and inciting a ripple of excitement, and relief.

I am doing it. I am well on my way.

It’s not a destination I seek however; the path will not end there. It is merely the doorway. The gateway to my authentic self, where my journey of discovery and growth will continue onto a bright, fresh and uplifting new chapter of opportunities.

My story is far from over.

"It's Like Taking Buckley's..."

Last week I hit the eight months mark of this healing and recovery journey of mine. Eight months without a drink, and eight months of finally looking at myself, my thoughts and behaviors, and working to make healthy and positive changes.

I’ve had the usual daily “life” stuff, raising my child, working towards getting back to work, and turning forty to deal with. Beyond that, I have also faced deeper, dysfunctional family issues, three deaths in the family, situations and emotions surrounding my ex-husband, and the break-up of a relationship.

Much to my surprise, I haven’t fallen on (too many! LOL) old behaviors, drank, or done what I previously would have assumed to be the only option; I haven’t crumbled to my knees! Well, its close some days!! LOL But in a vastly different and less threatening manner.

During these eight months, I have found it (knock on wood!!) far less difficult than I imagined it would be to get through it all without a drink. I’ve been feeling the feelings, living life on life’s terms as they say, and so far, I seem to be surviving!

I have become more aware of, focused on, and am working at healing other areas of my life, outside of the alcohol, or maybe because of the alcohol?, where my toxic, unhealthy thoughts and behaviors continue to wreak havoc.

I find myself in moments, where I can laugh (or emit a sound that slightly resembles a laugh, perhaps a snort, or maybe some other sarcastic, pfffft, like sound), recognizing what has truly come up for me, and am easily able to change it around and re-frame it into a healthier thought or action. Other times, the moments prove to be a little more difficult to accept and work through.

I’ve been consumed by the depth of some of what has come up; I have sat absorbing it with tears streaming down my face, feeling raw and worn to the bones.

I've also been filled with pride, and reminded of the strength, courage, and wisdom that already exists within me.

I keep going to my groups, CAB and Smart Recovery, counselling, talking, reading all kinds of books, writing, painting, meditating, working with my crystals, and feeling all that comes up.

I am doing it.

It sucks. It’s hard as shit. It hurts terribly.

But I am doing it.

And I AM healing.

With a smile on my face, I reflect over the words someone spoke in CAB on Friday, “It’s like taking Buckley's, all this work… Tastes and feels like shit, but it works.”

Scheduling Balance to Create a Balanced Schedule

For quite some time, I have been listing "create routine in my life" as a goal, and for quite some time, I have been working on making that happen. My healing and recovery journey has me destroying old scripts, so that I can create a new and healthy flow; it takes time and effort to unravel a lifetime of chaos.

I have learned more about making SMART (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-Bound) goals. I have been absorbing all that I can take in surrounding changing unhealthy behaviors and patterns, how the brain works, it's ability to make repairs, and how we can assist in and strengthen that process. I have learned about the repetition that is required, and the time in which it takes for a changed behavior, belief, or a thought to become wired into our brain fully, which is said to be roughly 21 days (although it really takes a little longer). I have also begun to fully understand the importance of having BALANCE in life.

I now understand that routine and scheduling will CREATE the balance that I, we, need in life.

In order for me to FEEL balanced in all aspects of my life, I must plan ahead so that I can fully immerse myself in completing the things required of me. For me to feel whole, there are things I believe(d) that I must include daily, on a personal and self-care level. But, as there are only so many hours in a day (and you cannot function with four hours of sleep nightly, attempting to fit it all into each day, as I recently discovered!), I have come to the realization that if I get serious about identifying and becoming clear about the why and what the benefits that I SEE and FEEL are when I accomplish these "must do" things, I will then feel compelled to MAKE them routine. Despite how I anticipate, or actually am feeling in the moment, I am making a great effort to no longer allow excuses, and I am really working hard to hold myself accountable in my intentions, goals, and actions. 

My current focus and goals revolve around work/school, being a mom, my healing and recovery journey, those things that I am passionate about doing, that fill me with joy and light, which have now grown to include loving myself. Self-care has FINALLY come into my awareness, and the many ways TO take care of me.

Prioritizing balance, by creating routine and schedules that ARE balanced, is the path that will enable me to reach my goal, and get the most out of this crazy and fluid thing we call life.

Recovering My Writing - Healing Through Words

Hello again, or maybe for the first time!!

I've been under construction. Digging deep, and working on myself. Reading and meditation have been where the majority of my time has been spent. The only writing I was doing came in the form of worksheets, answering the questions in the books I was reading, exercises, homework...

I  have been wanting to write. I have been needing to write. Intending to write. Trying to write. Being "encouraged" (pestered!) to write by mom. There were few times I was able to get much out, and my attempt at using a journal just didn't stick. I wanted to get back here, to my blog, and share my stories. I wanted to use my writing, and this platform, to aid in my healing journey, and maybe to help or inspire your own. I attempted to establish a new writing routine. I thought about how to begin again here. I pondered where to begin my story. I just could not seem to bring myself to do it. Nothing came.


The majority of my focus has been on my healing and recovery, but I've also been working with a Job Coach on my Job Search path. I need to find work again, or go to school; something to generate a sustainable income AND feed my passions.

I told myself, despite the feedback around me, that the writing would have to wait, the blog would have to wait. I told myself there were more important things to be doing with my time. These thoughts still did nothing to get me moving, feel inspired or motivated.

The only thing I was really able to see was the work I needed to do on my healing and recovery.
(I am pretty certain most of us know what that tends to looks like...)

Photo

Until now.
I have spent a lot of time in recent weeks in Solitude. Not completely and totally, all alone by myself; I do have a 9 year old daughter, and life just doesn't allow that opportunity! Throughout my life, I have been afraid of solitude, and instead immersed myself in Isolation. This time has been different.

I have come to the point where all roads, messages and suggestions have come together, with flashing arrows pointing at a sign: FOLLOW YOUR PASSIONS.

The fire within is roaring, and my gifts are wanting to expand. Writing, photography, rocks/crystals, nature, inspiring others, these are the things screaming to be heard, seen, felt. I NEED to put some time and effort into expressing these parts of me.

I realize that my story is not over, and so, there really is no specific place to begin in the sharing of it.

I must begin where I currently sit.

I must begin here and now.

Always Grateful for My Journey

To say it has been a long time since I sat down to write would be an understatement. To say everything has been normal, and okay during this time would be a lie.

The year had already gotten off to a difficult start, so when the opportunity came to go to my niece’s wedding in BC, it was a welcome change of pace that was well looked forward to. We would be seeing family that we hadn’t seen in years, most of whom had yet to meet Makiya, a great-nephew and great-niece that I hadn't seen since birth and the other just a baby, and two great-nieces that I hadn’t yet met; I was excited to see and have some fun with them all.

The wedding was beautiful, I cried, baby girl danced her heart out, and the time we shared with family was wonderful; it was so great to see Makiya play with her second cousins and have so much fun. The end of the weekend came, and as we are the “on a whim” type of couple/family, we decided to head off to visit with more family, and joined the entourage on a road trip.

What ended up happening changed our lives.

I’ve spoken often of transition and change, forward motion, movement… This was like nothing I expected. All hopes, dreams, wishes, future thoughts, all came crashing down upon me at once. I don’t mean that in a negative way at all, ever since I was a kid, I just knew, and said often, “be careful what you wish for, you WILL get it, you just never know WHEN.”

It was hard to see it all at the time, there was so much to be afraid of, worried and concerned about, and as it happens in these situations, time just seems to disintegrate before you, becoming more and more of an illusion than a reality.

Slowly, after it was accepted that MAJOR change was happening in our lives, I realized that things were, as they do, happening for a reason. As difficult as it was, I said “OK!”, and hung on, trusting in my journey.

I had fun, real fun, for the first time since my baby girl was born, ( a different kind of fun than that which comes with being "Mommy"; I got to be myself in other ways) maybe longer, and met some AMAZING new friends, but at the same time, I began to lose precious time and opportunity with my girl; heart breaking, heart wrenching, and partially unavoidable. Routines were unavoidably disrupted, dismantled really, and that may not necessarily have been a bad thing in all areas, but I do have my work cut out for me in getting things back under some sort of control.

As I come out from beneath part of the fog, I can appreciate certain things for what they have been, necessary pieces of my journey. I still struggle with parts of it all, but I know that I have to go back to the trust, the knowledge, that it is all unfolding exactly as it should, perfectly on time.

There is a reason for everything, lessons to be learned and shared.

I am excited, grateful, and thankful for it all.

Quit Waiting - Just Do It!

Have you ever spent time waiting for the “right time”, or thinking, “if it is meant to be, then it will be”?

I know I have. Truthfully, I realize that I have lost a lot of time lingering in this place of waiting.

There is never a “right time”, as perfectly formed as it exists within the mind’s eye. And, for something to BE, that would involve putting forth the effort to make it so.

One could spend their entire life waiting on one flawless moment, or for the timing to be ideal for another person, and ultimately never accomplish the things they hope and dream to.

If it is the right thing for you, then the time is NOW.

Everything else will fall into place exactly as it should.

Life will absorb the rest; the people, the circumstances, the money, the time, it will all respond as is intended.

If there is something you want, go out there and get it!

The time will never be more perfect than it is now.

Riding the Glass Elevator

As though at the mall, in one of those glass elevators that looks out…

Crystal clear, the walls that surround me allow pure light to fall upon me and I am able to see far beyond my reach. Clarity and vibrancy like no other beckons me from above, and below the darkness threatens to swallow me into its depths.

Smart enough now not to step off on the bottom floor, but something still strong enough catches me willing to at least stop by, allow the doors to open and show me what lies beyond.

I’ve been down there before… Not  only am I able to see what could or would be, I KNOW with every fiber of my being what exists in that world; that place I tried to leave so long ago. Those are the whispers that follow me to bed each night, still vying for my attention as my eyes slip open in the morning… Reminders of a time and place I escaped years ago, and yet little flickers from their eyes catch me by surprise almost daily.

Dreaming of what is up there, able to see the beauty that sits waiting for me, I am able to make it to that top floor, but the doors don’t open wide enough for me to slip more than a finger past…

The things that I long for, envisioned and have dreamt about are just beyond my grasp, at times so close but I allow them to slip through my fingers…

For now, I find myself trapped within the four walls of this place that allows me clear enough insight to all the world has to offer me, but the inability to step off at any floor…

Nostalgic for Days Gone Past

These days, there is so much talk about the problems in the world; our food, transportation, waste, education systems, the need to recycle, reuse, reduce, etc., and, of course, like many people, it has got me thinking. I’ve been reading and thinking, reading and thinking, and trying in some small ways to make changes in how we do things.

It seems to cause much debate and discussion as we look for alternatives in the ways that we have become used to living, the ways that we’ve been taught, and told, to live our lives. It seems strange to people to consider living simply, as some of our parents and grandparents did, and some people around the world still DO live today. Their still seems to be a stigma around it all, adding to the discomfort felt in those who do ponder changing their lives, entirely.

I struggle, not so much on the fence, but not fully on either side anymore, or yet. While one can appreciate the advances and technology that we are now able to “enjoy”, the lack of appreciation and respect for these changes makes me question where the “good” in it all lies. We are a society who takes it all for granted, selfishly expecting it ALL, and NOW.

I think that what may have begun with the best of intentions, spiralled too quickly out of control and into the hands of greedy people who in turn created a greedy society.

As I find myself being pulled, in what some may call a step back, into a more natural and simple way of living, I wonder whether there is something, like a memory in our bloodlines, our DNA. Could these things, that seem so familiar and normal to me, almost like a second nature, really be a memory from my ancestors, or from another life of my own? Is it like an animal instinct buried deep inside that calls out to me?

Make no mistake. The genes we’re born with carry memory. They carry knowledge we’ve never learned, talents we’ve never studied, even fears of things that have never frightened us…. But someone, some time, in our blood lines, had these memories. Yes, you might say that all of us are haunted to some degree. You might very well say that. – John R. Maxim

Is it possible that this innate compulsion to change the way that we live, this nostalgic feeling that arises within as I look back to the simpler times, comes from somewhere in the past, my past? Was it inevitable that I would find myself in this place, making these changes and longing to do more?

When I was a little girl I loved reading stories about “the old days”, the days of the pioneers, Little House on the Prairie, and of course, my favorite place to visit was Barkerville. I was drawn to those simpler times and often dreamt of travelling back in time so I could experience all that I read about.

Of course, as I grew into a teenager, those things I loved got lost within me while I struggled my way into a life of my own. I forgot about some of the simple things that brought me joy and pleasure.

Since having my daughter though, I have found myself wandering back onto the path that I, obviously, was meant to be on. I find myself rediscovering love and passion for certain things, and times.

These things that made sense, things that perhaps I took advantage of, when I was younger, now make more than just “sense” now. They seem to be a necessity that I am driven to re-create in many ways. This is not to say that I consistently make the “right” choices in my life, or even the choices that I wish I could. Right now, I do what I can when I can. I believe that every small step and/or change made contributes to a change in the larger picture. It all starts somewhere, from the discussions to the little things; a shift begins.

Kicking Ass on the Scaredy Cat Pile

I found myself, many times, in 2012 simply unable to write. I tried, but as with everything else in my life, I just couldn’t keep focused long enough to continue.

So many thoughts and feelings coursing through my body, and I am, at times, simply incapable of keeping up. I suppose that I feel overwhelmed with all that sits upon and before me, and it has me feeling a little paralyzed in every way.

In order to overcome fear of any kind, isn’t it said that we must therefore plunge in headfirst? Dive in and face that which causes us to feel afraid. But, where do you begin when there is one helluva pile of scaredy cat sitting before you?! Which side of the pile do you dive in and swallow first?

I think I’ve got that part figured out though. Me. I start with me.

All of those little things I’ve been meaning to get to, to do, to start, to add to the routine, I start with those. Those things that make me better; healthier, happier… That’s where I start. One little step at a time, one day at a time and I turn them into parts of who I am, what I do, what I think and feel.

I don’t know that I can “start fresh”, but I can start each day doing and thinking the right things. One morning, one step at a time, I can BUILD it, and write it, all the way that I want to.

So 2013, let’s kick some ass all over the place!

There's a Fire Under My Ass

Keep it simple; one word to convey my desires for 2012?

Motion.

This year I want to see more, do more and be more. In order to do that, all of my good intentions, ideas and inspirations need to be attended to; I need to get MOVING!

There have been so many things that I want to try, learn, see and yet they all sit there, in the back of my mind as grand plans for “another day”.

It’s time to DO them.

All of the things that I long to create in my life require that I take steps, forward movement, and I will never see the effect that I know they will have, the impact on my, and others, lives if I don’t light the fire under my ass and get MOVING!

I don’t need to jump off the ledge, go all crazy and dive into everything at once (ha ha, maybe I do?!), each little step is movement in the right direction. Each time I focus on now instead of later, do instead of put off, and pause to focus when I feel overwhelmed, I will be drawing myself back onto the path of my journey; again implying that I will be moving ahead.

Get moving to stay healthy physically and emotionally. Get moving to create the things I long to, from writing to crafting with Makiya, crafting for Makiya and for the home, gardening, indoors and out, crochet, sewing, cooking, educating Makiya and myself, all of these and many more things that I want to do!

Places to see, explore and enjoy are waiting, and I am tired of waiting for another day.

Today is the day to DO it! 

Good Riddance Day

Today is Good Riddance Day; the day we are to say goodbye to all those negative things from 2011.

I don’t know, this one grabbed me this morning and hasn’t left my mind all day long. I would suppose that we should make it a part of who we are, become practiced at, releasing those things that hold us back; physically, emotionally, or otherwise. But, especially now, as we come to the end of 2011 and prepare to walk onto the path of 2012, it actually makes sense to me, after the year I have been through; I deserve to make it a moment, and really say farewell to the thoughts and feelings that have followed and haunted me, month after month, day after day. I actually feel as though I should be burning a white candle as I write this! 

In the spirit of a new year, a fresh start, I let go of all the thoughts that held fear and doubt; those that prevented me from believing that I could do things in a different way than previously, or even differently than most others would choose.

I let silence live where it should, and welcome my voice back.

I say goodbye to “wrong” and invite my RIGHTS home.

.

I release overwhelming loss and sadness; transforming it into acceptance, light and love.

I say goodbye to “dis-ease” and delight in health and growth.

I let go of just existing, putting one foot in front of the other, and excitedly look forward to LIFE!

I toss anger, regret and worry out the door, reminding myself that I, no one else, have the power on my journey.

I will remove “Can’t” from my vocabulary, because in nearly all instances, (as I constantly remind my daughter), we can do ANYTHING we put our minds to.

I deny the lies, those of others, or the ones I have told myself, and bask in the glow of truth and honesty.

I will, again, release guilt and shame, consciously accepting the facts as within my control and/or part of what it took to bring me to the place and person I am becoming.

I knock down the walls that I, yet again, have built and allow everything negative, all of the demons, to run, scuttle and cower away for good.

So, I say goodbye and “good riddance” to 2011, acknowledging the lessons, gifts and growth that were given to me; accepting and welcoming the spark that was ignited amidst the turmoil.

Hello 2012!

“Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion. Everything invites me to cherish it.” 

- Ninon de Lenclos

(Okay, after I finished writing, I DID grab a candle, read this aloud and blew out the candle; literally releasing the negative with my exhale! My heart began to race, I felt excited and giddy! When I blew out the candle, it felt cleansing and I revelled in watching the smoke, that came from the wick, dissipate!)

Finding My Way Through the Storm

I don’t know how or why, but there are so many things about life, myself and my hopes and dreams that I, early on, seemed to have just taken a sit back, expectant, it will come to me type of view upon. I kind of took for granted, assumed, that things would work out and I would end up, magically in the life I envisioned.

Ridiculously, I took the rest with a grain of salt, seeing it as par for the course, part of the journey “there”, and expected it to work itself out, without any help from me. The little nagging details that sometimes accompany situations, people etc., the things I foolishly ignored or turned the other cheek to; as if it would all just disappear in time and I wouldn’t have to face it.

It seems as though many of those ignored matters are suddenly blasting towards me, with their sing-song voices screaming “Aha ha ha!! Found you! We’ve been waiting for you!”

The repercussions of said ignorance can sneak up on you, and, suddenly, tear the very ground you stand upon out from beneath you. And there you sit, amidst the rubble, realizing that you should have kept your eyes, ears and mouth open. You are the one who led yourself to this point, and there is no longer a finger to point at anyone but the image that stares back at you in the mirror.

While that “inner voice of my source” that I often speak of reminds me, again, that it was all meant to be, I cannot help but shake my head at the naivety of my younger self.

Then, I have to shake myself back to the present, and in a louder, stronger voice say “STOP!” The only options I have are to move forward from HERE. There will never be changing any of my mistakes, only learning from them, and finding a remedy or changing the things that are still in my hands, or at least close enough that I could still do the RIGHT thing.

I suddenly feel as though I am the baby tornado, growing into its full fury and ferocity. Larger and larger it becomes, causing chaos and destruction along its path, until, hopefully soon, the storm passes and the tornado dissipates.

This change that lies before me on the horizon, I can see the strength that comes with it. I know that denials will no longer fit; they will seem to be a foreign and unwelcome state of mind. All that I want will come to be, and will be because of ME. 

Another Year... another leg of my journey...

As the year comes to an end, once again I find myself contemplating what has happened this year and what I hope to achieve, do, change in the New Year. I have never been good with resolutions, and even in changing my inner dialogue as to my plans for the year ahead, I cannot seem to ever keep up with them.

I hope this year is different.

Last January, I laughed in the face of silly horoscope predicting a year of tears and while not finalizing a plan, intended to get serious about my writing and submitting, and hoped to forge my way into some type of home based income. FAIL.

It certainly has been a year full of tears, personal revelations and a progressive shift in my outlook on life. With all that has happened, all I have learned, re-visited etc., I should think I have more than enough emotions, feelings and thoughts to work out through my writing, and therefore I should be able to get a lot of pieces finished, and, submitted all over the place! The changes that I feel myself upon, could more than benefit from my finding a way to earning some type of income, so I should hope that idea becomes more of a plan!

I know that the months that lay ahead for me also hold plenty more learning, growing and change. I know that my tears aren’t done falling and there will be more pain inducing situations. Am I more prepared for what lies ahead? Probably not. Am I still afraid, of what I’ve learned, what I haven’t and what could be? Absolutely. Am I ready?

Ready or not, here comes the New Year, and I do know that it will all play out just as it should.

 I know that I am on my way, and I know it is all for a reason; my purpose, my journey.

It's Time

"You did what you knew how to do at the time, and when you knew more, you did better." 

-Maya Angelou

I love that quote, but lately, when I think about it, I am brought to a different place; I DO know better, and yet I am not doing better; or I know better, but I can’t influence others enough for them to do better.

As I have previously written, it has been an extremely difficult year, on many levels. The lessons set before me have been plentiful, and at times I have questioned how much more I could handle. Having been strong, or at least tried to appear strong at other times, there truly is only so much one person can take on before the façade begins to show signs of wear and tear. Cracks do form, and as hard as you resist it, fight it, unless the proper care is given, those cracks spread, and quickly. Once the foundation has been affected, we all know what begins to happen. Which is where I now find myself; broken, exhausted from the weight, and crumbling at a speed I’d forgotten possible.

I know better. I know that I can’t allow myself to succumb to these feelings. I know that I can only control my own responses and actions; I hold no responsibility in those choices made by another.  I know that silence does not bring about desired change, it only ties you down and buries you deeper in the darkness. I know that the power is mine alone.

…and yet, here I find myself.

I am too tired to care some days. Other days, while still tired, the realization brings me repeatedly to tears. My energy is too low to muster much of anything productive. My mind holds me prisoner, gripping me tightly, shackling me to it; it doesn’t give me a moment to breathe freely.

I remember being here once before, many years ago, as a teenager. Back then, I couldn’t see an end in sight, I didn’t KNOW the things I have since learned. Without a sense of, well much of anything, I came to a point of truly not caring. “What’s the point?” I often asked myself. No point trying, believing or hoping because I couldn’t see that I had the only power to make any changes.

Now, thankfully, I DO know more, and I KNOW that I WILL find my way through. I have just allowed too many things and thoughts to weigh me down without properly channeling my feelings, responses and energies. With that knowledge, I must take a stand, and pull myself back to where I should be, because I have several reasons to “care, try, believe and hope.” So many reasons…

In this, my typically dreaded season, I must find a way to deeply alter my perceptions and my actions. Where I usually prefer to snuggle in, content within the darkness of the winter months, hibernating in my own manner and ignoring the outside world to some extent, I must now find a way to allow light and the joys of re-birth to slip in a little early. I can’t allow myself to remain tucked away, wallowing in the muck. I have got to find a way to wake up; return to myself and life. I need to find the way back to my source, to the energies that are required and desired.

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Carlos Castaneda

Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.


It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

Old Writing - Once Lost and Forgotten

I was a little surprised, on a few levels, when I came across these last night. I had written them between 1997 and 1999, when I was only just entering my twenties…

March 5/1997

I see it by daylight.

I feel it by nightfall.

Consumed by this heart wrenching dream.

Life doesn’t exist…

Time tolerated only by means

that keep this alive and strong…

All inside of me.

Impossible to believe anything,

it’s tearing me apart!

This powerful grip on me,

It guides me, no,

pushes me forward,

Amidst the cemetary trees,

through the demonic graves,

along the horrifying path of the past.

A dim light ahead,

too weak to provide any comfort,

too far for any sort of direction.

What is this nightmare?

Where did it come from?

What is the purpose of this hellish tour?

Silence has begun to suffocate,

searching for relief…

    I lift my face from my pillow.

    Wipe the tears away with my sleeve.

    Look deep and hard…into my eyes…

    Darkness. Empty. Fright. Nothing.

    I lay my head back down.

    Close my eyes.

Nothing else to do, but,

return…

Back in the falling rain,

Surrounded by hidden visions.

March 10/1997


A sweet little girl,
    Soft blonde hair sparkling,
Stands innocently in the sunshine.
A horrifying,
        Dark cloud,
Lingering…
Like a spring rain
    Turning
Into a vicious hurricane,
Her life is torn apart.
A painfully quiet girl,
Darkness inside and out,
Sits in the shadows.
Like a mute:
    See all,
           Hear all,
Say nothing at all.
A cold and bitter girl?
Seen it, done it,
Nothing matters, but
Not surprised.
Worn out,
Tired from the journey…
Just like an old rug…
Walked all over,
        Then…
Tossed away.
There is no more sunshine,
Hasn’t been for years…
Just a constant downpour…
But, that sweet little girl?
She still waits…
Lost innocence, but
The memories…
    Of a sparkling sunny,
        Hope filled time…
Before the hurricane…
The memories keep her
Safe and warm
In the arms
Of the future.

October 29/1998


I saw and felt a scene from Hell
playing out before me.
I was trapped, for what felt like an eternity, and
hard as I tried to find my way back,
I was lost.
I couldn’t see anything in the thick fog, and
I felt suffocated by the darkness of it all.
Reason and Reality seemed like concepts of a
foreign place from that where I was forced to inhabit.
It was like revisiting, in a nightmarish haze,
The past, my past.
I was on fire.
Burning, searing pain that
Consumed me…
It made all the goodness seem like
A dream,
Fading before my open eyes.
I searched for comfort in my source of sunlight, but
All I found was an evil demon
Playing tricks on my eyes, heart and soul.
I felt betrayed, but
Was so confused
That I couldn’t see…
The leader of this twisted game was not my love,
But a being of the Devils own creation.
I had been stalked, hunted, preyed upon…
And I laughed in the face of it all.
I’d beaten this horror once before, and
Believed I was above it.
But, the reminder came,
Like a slap in the face.
It found a hole in my armour,
A weakness…
And proceeded to work at it until,
In the blink of an eye,
I crumbled to pieces of dust blowing in the air.
Gone.
Once again,
A drifting, lost soul.
Drowning in the rain that is my tears.

Always Remember - April 21/1999

Sometimes your mind slips into
The past, flooding with memories
So vividly real.
Tastes, smells, feelings…
They all come back.
Sometimes a face or a voice sticks out above the rest.
Sometimes you wish it would go away.
You pause and wonder.
Curiousity mixed with pain.
Where is that face now?
Have they found a happiness like your own?
Are they still troubled by all we once were?
Have they thought of you?
A door that never was closed,
Swings open wide.
Truths that only you knew,
Haunt.
Answers you always wanted,
But never got.
Sympathy for their disasters…
But, wait…
You don’t know these faces anymore.
Years have passed.
Years.
The time always comes…
Time to put the ghosts to rest.
They just don’t belong.
Like putting toys in the toybox where they belong;
You still want to play,
But you must grow up.
The memories flit past your minds eye…
Hesitating…
Pleading…
“Don’t forget.”
The hushed oath, hidden…
Not forgotten…
“For as long as you remember, I shall never forget…”

May 2/1999

I woke up one day to find
My eyes were no longer my own.
They belonged to someone
    tired,
        someone in pain.
I realized it really was me.
The real me,
the one behind the mask.
The one who had seen too much,
        too soon.

I woke up one morning, and
found my eyes alive again.
They reflected love, hope…
…life…
I knew it was me, and
thought that I had a chance.

Then…
I looked into my eyes again.
I saw pain and exhaustion.
I had tried,
Had faith,
Had love…
Had failed to live.
The sunshine in my eyes
Had burned away.

May 26/1999

My eyes are reflecting…
        Beautiful blue skies,
gorgeous green grass, assorted vibrant flowers, and…
                    with little wandering steps,
         tiny pink legs.
Chubby little pink legs, that reach up
to a chubby face topped with soft blonde hair.
Mischievious blue eyes curiously searching
everything,
        learning…
Soft little hands exploring everything
within reach,
anxious to discover this world she is still new to.
Sweet little gurgles and giggles of wonderment,
like music to my ears.
Scraped knees from stumbling first steps,
        tiny dirt streaks color the pink cheeks
of this amazing little package.
This heavenly little gift is a child.
These words a reflection...
Of the child that might’ve been mine.

Thoughts on Fear -- July 5/1999

Fear is a powerful feeling that leaves you powerless.
It consumes, devours, destroys.
It is a stranger on a dark street.
It is a lover holding you in his arms.
Fear is real.
Fear is fantasy.
Fear is control.
Fear is reckless.
It knows your darkest, deepest secrets.
It knows your dreams.
Fear hunts and stalks.
Fear is old, and all too new.
It is like a weed…
Growing and growing…
Killing as it’s roots take hold.
It distorts reality,
Clouds your mind,
Filling your soul.
Fear is danger.
Fear is safety.
Fear is a decision to give up on yourself.

I Can Do It

I have been feeling like a child who sits in the backseat of a car; a little too small to see the entire world, windows rolled up, prevent me from hearing the world that goes on around me.

I know there is life out there, outside my door, beyond my yard. But I am restrained. That silver chain that tethers my physical self to the self that resides in spirit and energy is too tight, it keeps me close; too close to spread my wings, to allow my heart to soar, to allow me move forward. I try to speak and all that comes out is less than a whisper.

I go back to that child, and I open the car door. I let her out to explore, to feel and experience life. I watch her with pleasure and joy greater than I can contain. I feel the tears spill onto my cheeks, and they comfort me in that moment.

I see the light in her eyes. I hear her laughter and squeals of delight as she discovers the world that exists at her very fingertips. I feel the warmth that exudes from her tiny body.

I reach out for her and feel the chain loosen its grip on me.

I can do it…

Lessons in Gratitude?

“Cream of the crop” is a phrase I have heard repeated often during this past month.

I have listened to the words and rolled them repeatedly around my mouth and my mind. I have had a difficult time allowing them to register within me. They feel tainted by arrogance and smugness in many ways. If I step back, really take several paces backwards, I can see the words spelling out something far greater, something reserved for an elite part of society. Isn’t that funny?

My mind ponders the reality that each and every one of us will process the same situation in an entirely different light; none of us will truly ever experience the same moment in the same way as the person next to us. It doesn’t matter who that person beside us is.

So if we are to live a moment completely separate from those close to us, how is it possible to place judgments or condemnation upon them for their actions in the face of what lies before us? We cannot possibly fully comprehend that place from which their emotions and responses are born, not being immersed inside their mind ourselves, so how can we pretend to understand their actions?

However, there are some basic, hmm, I don’t know, courtesies, respects, LOVE that would and should come with these other things that may arise. Wouldn’t we think?

This month has reached peak levels in so many different places in my life, and instead of feeling more bonded, with anyone, I feel much more separate and alone. My eyes have opened wider, and sadly, parts of what, amazingly, still remained of my innocence, have been lost.

I feel far from what I imagine the phrase “Cream of the crop” to entail.

Somewhere, at the moment buried deeply, I can hear, and almost see other words calling out to me; “You ARE where you should be at this time. You ARE strong enough and you WILL make it through this time. Exactly on time, as you are intended to.”

In the end, it really doesn’t matter how the others respond. It matters how I respond. How I learn and grow from what these experiences are teaching me.

I guess what I need to do is take a standpoint of Gratitude. I need to appreciate that which has been placed on my path, for it has all been lessons offered. I only need to accept the gift.

"Cold Hearted Bitch"...Accepted, Proudly!

We wake up one morning and it’s like we are living in a new and exciting world. Everything seems clear and crisp. There is nothing that could take us down from this place that we seem to floating upon. Our resolve to step forward, into the unknown, like nothing we had thought possible. We know we can do anything we put our heart and soul into and no one will stand in the way of that. We know that what is before us is important, crucial and even critical for making the trek back to the true path of our journey. We are ecstatic because it all makes sense now, and that which we have longed for is finally within our grasp.

As women, there is a tendency for something strange to happen when we finally find that clarity that we have been searching for. Suddenly, this new strength that we have found becomes a threat to those around us.

There is another air, one of anxiety that tries to cloud our commitment. Those mixed feelings that come from those around us, those feelings that are purely their own. Those we love and care about, the ones who love us and really do want what is best for us become confused. Their own world has been shifted and they are frightened as to where they fit in, what their new role may be, or if there is one at all.

We become labeled. “Cold hearted bitch” is one name that rings out loudest. It can be uttered from so many different influences in our life, from the men to the women; our parents, siblings, spouses or friends. Our true feelings about what sits in wait ahead for us, become misconstrued and misunderstood. The lack of tolerance for that which we know must change in order to move forward becomes taken as something it could not be farther from. Our approaching success becomes something that others fear, for their own reasons and due to their own insecurities. They are afraid of things that are beyond our control, and in the end have nothing to do with us and our decision.

I am beginning to see how this scene has played out in my life, how my choices in the past have been affected; by worrying about how my own happiness and success would or could affect those few that were close to me in the moment.

I see, how as women, we have continued, one generation after another, to allow others to dominate our bodies and minds. I see how by denying ourselves of that which we were not only entitled, but that which was/is meant for our true journey, we have not only deprived ourselves of precious time, love and true living, but we have robbed those around us that we love. We haven’t allowed anyone to experience the beautiful gifts that we have to offer.

Eyes wide open. Ears, well, open, but sufficiently filtered from the noise that attempted entry…I took one step forward, then another…I realized this was my time and I could never be more ready than I was in that moment.

Frozen

I realize from somewhere deep inside myself, the place that doesn’t want to admit certain things out loud, that I am in the state of fearing impending life changes. My inability to move forward, to express myself and to live life fully is because I am at that familiar stage of resistance.

My eyes spotted something ahead in the road, and not wanting to face the blockage, I closed my eyes again; quickly and tightly.

I sit frozen by thoughts of what lay ahead, the things that could and should transpire. Every new chapter begins the same, and I have enough sense to realize that, but I cannot shake the feeling of impending doom. That feeling that always overwhelms me, even when I know the reality of the changing path will only have a positive outcome.

Something good is about to happen, I can feel it. Quick! Hide! Don’t let it catches me! I am not ready for this…I can’t…

Why DO we sabotage ourselves like this? Why are we afraid to accept the wonderful things that lay in wait for us; the people, the journey, our true path? Why do we resist with all of our might all that we have been quietly longing for?

Suddenly, my eyes were wide open with a clarity that had life gleaming before me. No other path made sense but the new road that lay before me…

Will I awaken in time now? Or will the doors silently slip shut, the light turn dark and my vision become a part of the background once again?