GET in the box!!

It has been another exceptionally difficult week. In addition to responding to the obvious stressors that currently exist, and I knowingly and willingly accept, there are a whole lot of other emotions that seem to be surfacing. Old feelings that go waaaay back are catching up with me. Core, irrational, beliefs have been bubbling over, and I am in full attack mode, facing and challenging all the $#!t that is coming up.

Over the weekend, already amidst the storm, and its intensity increasing, I was sent spiraling when my daughter presented me with a few curiosity driven, innocent and serious questions. As the massive wave washed over me, the tears began, the grip in my chest and on my heart tightened, and, in my stomach, the gnashing and gnawing began to swallow me. All the grief, hurt, pain, soooo many feelings and thoughts about situations in my life, past and present, amassed over my life time, came crashing down, sweeping my feet from beneath me, knocking the wind out of me, and slamming me to the ground.

Yesterday, I made it through a fantastic, albeit exhausting, CAB session, was treated to and enjoyed a great lunch with Teeny, and promptly went home, requiring some serious self-care, which came in the form of a planned forty-five minute rest that turned into a much needed, two hour nap.

This morning when I woke up, I knew that I needed a plan to battle back against the suffocating weight that was upon me. I could not carry on in the state that I had been.

I thought back to the containment exercises, specifically "The Container", shared with me during AADP that are used to aid in controlling the anxiety, feelings, and thoughts that accompany memories, thoughts, and triggers that are too chaotic and overwhelming to cope with in the moment. I also recalled a meditation I had tried that involved visualizing being on the shore of a beautiful beach, placing negative triggers, people, words, events, images, etc. in a boat, and sending the load far out into the ocean.

From there, I devised my method of preservation.

I visualized a simple loft like space with many rooms, and saw all the people, images, feelings, STUFF, floating around like they belonged, pretending to be tenants. I identified them instead as squatters, none of whom had paid rent in quite some time. I handed out eviction notices for non-payment of rent and began to clear them all out, tossing everything into cardboard moving boxes.

It’s been a busy day, in my minds eye; I’ve been packing and scrubbing the spaces clean. Every time a "squatter", an unhelpful/unhealthy person, thought or image, tried to make its presence known, I would sternly say “NOPE. GET in the box!!” or “BACK IN THE BOX!!”, and imagine myself tossing whatever it was into a box with a laugh. 

For the most part, I managed to make it work. This little exercise truly helped me to maintain a semblance of sanity, remain in wise mind thinking, and it truly kept me from drowning today. I felt calmer, my eye on the sun shining through the billowing sheers that adorned the open windows, as the now empty rooms begin to fill with the warm and gentle aura of clarity, peace, and hope.

Find what works, and work the $#!t out of it. 

Until? It would seem, until it all becomes second nature.

I’m doing it!! I’m working it!!

I got this.

(The tools that seem to work best for me often involve allowing my rebel side to brightly shine, the use of facetious talk with Insidious and friends, and humor. I didn’t realize until later this evening that I had been performing, in my mind, like Bob Newhart in this video all day; I sounded just like him! LOL)

Scheduling Balance to Create a Balanced Schedule

For quite some time, I have been listing "create routine in my life" as a goal, and for quite some time, I have been working on making that happen. My healing and recovery journey has me destroying old scripts, so that I can create a new and healthy flow; it takes time and effort to unravel a lifetime of chaos.

I have learned more about making SMART (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-Bound) goals. I have been absorbing all that I can take in surrounding changing unhealthy behaviors and patterns, how the brain works, it's ability to make repairs, and how we can assist in and strengthen that process. I have learned about the repetition that is required, and the time in which it takes for a changed behavior, belief, or a thought to become wired into our brain fully, which is said to be roughly 21 days (although it really takes a little longer). I have also begun to fully understand the importance of having BALANCE in life.

I now understand that routine and scheduling will CREATE the balance that I, we, need in life.

In order for me to FEEL balanced in all aspects of my life, I must plan ahead so that I can fully immerse myself in completing the things required of me. For me to feel whole, there are things I believe(d) that I must include daily, on a personal and self-care level. But, as there are only so many hours in a day (and you cannot function with four hours of sleep nightly, attempting to fit it all into each day, as I recently discovered!), I have come to the realization that if I get serious about identifying and becoming clear about the why and what the benefits that I SEE and FEEL are when I accomplish these "must do" things, I will then feel compelled to MAKE them routine. Despite how I anticipate, or actually am feeling in the moment, I am making a great effort to no longer allow excuses, and I am really working hard to hold myself accountable in my intentions, goals, and actions. 

My current focus and goals revolve around work/school, being a mom, my healing and recovery journey, those things that I am passionate about doing, that fill me with joy and light, which have now grown to include loving myself. Self-care has FINALLY come into my awareness, and the many ways TO take care of me.

Prioritizing balance, by creating routine and schedules that ARE balanced, is the path that will enable me to reach my goal, and get the most out of this crazy and fluid thing we call life.

Digging into the Why?'s, and Finding AMAZING

A while back, I had a particularly difficult day, following the break-up of my recent relationship, and I was re-playing all the old tapes, from the way back past, in my mind.

“Why does this always happen?”,“Why do they always hurt me?”, "Why do I deserve this?”,“What is wrong with me?”

I quickly caught myself.

NO.

I decided I was going to do some work. (I think I’m starting to get good at this!!) I decided that I was going to dig into this one. I was going to question my thoughts.

“1. What is wrong with THEM?! What happened to them to hurt so bad?   (I quickly scribbled THAT out!)

      Fuck you. You don’t deserve ME!!

 2. Why do I allow this treatment and give so many chances?

 3. What am I so afraid of? Why?

 4. Look at my history, patterns, etc. Question, question. Why? Why did I feel…? Who said…? Why?        Why?

Fuck, it’s not even about “THEM”. Maybe, it never has been…? I have wanted to feel…wanted, loved, appreciated, respected, “known/popular/heard of”, connected… Comforted and protected, comfortable… Before my marriage ended, it was all about the projected image. The illusion. I wanted to appear “normal”, and, following societal norms, I figured that meant that I needed a husband, children, perfect career, perfect family, perfect life, perfUCK IT!! LOL

I always thought I “NEEDED” someone else, a man, a protector, a fixer, just to be there, unconditionally…

But, that’s not truly what I’ve wanted, certainly not what I’ve “NEEDED”. I’ve stayed in these situations, friendships, relationships, and repeatedly put up with bullshit and lies, full well KNOWING truth, and still I would tell myself: “Well, I do deserve better, but…”, and of course, the rollercoaster of irrational thoughts/beliefs… “Tomorrow I’ll do something…”, “If it happens again, THEN I will…”, “He was drunk.”, “We were drunk.”, “Nobody would want me if they knew…”, “Maybe if I look/act/do/allow…”. It becomes “normal and comfortable”. SO NOT HEALTHY. (What I really "NEEDED", was to love, honor, protect, and respect myself.)

Losing track of myself here, rein it in girl!! Question. WHY? DIG! PEEL BACK THE LAYERS! WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I haven’t trusted myself, and I was scared. I thought I was weak and not “smart”. I told myself I wasn’t “strong enough, smart enough, able at all.” I didn’t “know how”.

↓ WHY? WHY? ↓ ↓ WHY? ↓ WHY? ↓ WHY? ↓↓ WHY? ↓ WHY? ↓ WHY? ↓ ↓ WHY? WHY? ↓

I was always afraid. I was told it was because they were “drunk, and don’t remember”, but they would “never again”… I was told I was weak and stupid. I was told I could never, would never… I was told that I didn’t “deserve”… I was told I was bad, crazy, psycho, a whore, a cunt, a slut… fuck… it all became ingrained, burning so hot and deep, I was convinced that everyone could see it in my eyes. 

Maybe there was a sign on my forehead, or the “Scarlett A” on my breast… So, I would pull my famous move, the “Nothing Like a Simple Ostrich”: head buried in the sand, but hearing and feeling the rustling, shifting vibrations… They would consume me, but, still I would squeeze my eyes shut, cover my ears to muffle the sound of “THEM”, and wait… full of fear, shaken and worn, I would welcome the darkness, comforted and numbed, again in the company of INSIDIOUS.

→ LOSING YOURSELF AGAIN GIRL!! ↓

? WHO SAYS?! WHO SAYS?!

It was always these message that I heard and felt, either at home, or from older siblings and extended family, “friends”, boyfriends, husband… People that I have trusted, and felt “safe and protected” by, “THEY” said so, for as far back as I can remember.

→ → INSERT GARBLED REWIND ON YOUR VCR NOISE ← ←

WHOOOAAAA… BACK UP THE BUS. INSERT ANNOYING BUZZER. PRESS DELETE. WIRE IN A NEW CONNECTION. CREATE A NEW SPARK.

Just because “THEY” said it, doesn’t make it true or factual. Q.T.I.P. (Quit Taking It Personally) Chances are highly likely that these things, behaviors, actions were a reflection of their own pain and lack of self-confidence. They were trying to fill their own voids. They were attempting to make themselves feel better in the moment.

SOOOOooooo… A GREAT BIG, HUGE FUCK Y’ALL!! AND A

THANK-YOU FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITIES TO HONE MY STRENGTHS.

I’ve got my own back. I don’t NEED anyone. I’VE DECIDED THAT I MUST, I WILL, I AM GOING TO do myself right. I AM doing myself right. Why keep wasting my time, energy, and love in all the wrong places? Why waste time thinking that I am anything less than deserving and perfect just the way I am?"

And so, in answer to my typical, dramatic questions: “Why does this always happen?”,“Why do they always hurt me?”, "Why do I deserve this?”,“What is wrong with me?”, I say this: it doesn't, and WON'T happen again, and they won't EVER hurt me again. 

There is nothing at all wrong with me, and I didn't deserve any of that. 

I am amazing. It is time for me to start treating myself that way. I deserve the best, and I am going for it. 

I've been really working hard to move through my past and finally heal. I feel valuable. I'm allowing vulnerability to open me up to the real stuff. I've been learning, and practicing, forgiveness, letting go/moving forward, and acceptance, of whatever is, or is not.

I am enjoying my journey these days. Some days are grand, others tougher than tough, and some days just are. I am learning to feel, and I am starting to really get things!

I have likened this ebb and flow, the up and down, good and bad, living life on life's terms, aspects of life to the seasons. Sometimes it's spectacular and bright in our world, (like summer and spring) and we feel wonderful and warm. Other days (fall and winter), it's dark, gloomy, and pissing on our parade, but we survive. We do what it takes to stay warm, safe, and dry, because we know that the darkness, the storm, won't last forever; it might carry on longer than we would like, but we will see the light again.

It's getting better and brighter every day...

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

It was around this time last year that I fell into the “rabbit hole”.

From very early on, I had never taken the time to know myself, I didn't learn any of the skills and tools to handle anything that occurred in my life. I was like a zombie really, just moving mindlessly through my life. I expected things to be ok, to just work out, get better... Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be ok, this will all be over, I'll do better, I'll be better... Tomorrow.

I have spent my life living on the edge, moving from one crisis or trauma to the next. There didn't seem to be any respite, perhaps a glimmer of hope once in a blue moon, but it never lasted. Of course, without doing any of the work I needed to do, and without an ounce of self-care, self-love, or self-respect to support any type of healing, it never would. I just carried obliviously onward, continuously slipping into the rabbit hole, pulling myself a few inches out, until the next thing happened, when I'd slide back down to the bottom.

 

My world as I had known it began to seriously crumble shortly after moving 5 years ago. After 13 years, the abuse and violence in my marriage erupted, and I separated from my husband, and promptly fell headfirst, deep into that rabbit hole. The couple that took my daughter and I in for a few months after the explosive break up of my marriage became my best friends; we were a part of each other’s daily lives, despite the healthy and unhealthy dynamics of the relationship between the three of us was. Almost 2 years ago now, I witnessed the husband, my friend, someone very close to me, and my boss, have a massive heart attack, and subsequently pass on. After he passed, the house cleaning, deliveries, other odd jobs, and Administrative/Booking Assistant work that I had been doing with/for them for 3 years, came to a sudden end. The growing anxiety and realization of how unhealthy, co-dependent and toxic things were becoming in my life had begun shortly before he died, and afterwards I promptly fell apart. I had been tending to the needs of everyone close to me, taking their stuff on as my own, using it as an unhealthy distraction, and I had used up my resources. I was empty. I had nothing left for myself, let alone anyone else.  Panic and anxiety took over. I had a hard time leaving my house, breathing, I had severe chest and heart pains, I cried constantly, I couldn’t sleep, think, function…Out of fear and shame, I clung to the hope/”need” to continue home schooling my, then 8 year old, daughter. (Perhaps an attempt to retain some sense of (false) control?) My behaviours and thinking were completely distorted and irrational. I had no clarity. I was making horrible decisions while, of course, attempting to rationalize them. I was numbing the pain by drinking more and more, and at times of the day I never would have before. I was drowning.

A lifetime of abuse, violence, alcohol dependency, grief and loss, co-dependency, toxic relationships, taking on the role of the "victim", fucked up, irrational thinking, every other “major event” or ”defining moment” that I had ever experienced, buried, avoided, came bursting out, PTSD and GAD symptoms blew up… My entire life caught up to me. I was collapsing, falling apart, scared, and out of control.

As I have since been learning, I was stuck in the "Fight, Flight, or Freeze" state for nearly my entire life. My amygdala had been running the show, without a break, in overdrive, which was causing a whole slew of other things to occur in my mind and body.

...my story isn't over yet... ;)