GET in the box!!

It has been another exceptionally difficult week. In addition to responding to the obvious stressors that currently exist, and I knowingly and willingly accept, there are a whole lot of other emotions that seem to be surfacing. Old feelings that go waaaay back are catching up with me. Core, irrational, beliefs have been bubbling over, and I am in full attack mode, facing and challenging all the $#!t that is coming up.

Over the weekend, already amidst the storm, and its intensity increasing, I was sent spiraling when my daughter presented me with a few curiosity driven, innocent and serious questions. As the massive wave washed over me, the tears began, the grip in my chest and on my heart tightened, and, in my stomach, the gnashing and gnawing began to swallow me. All the grief, hurt, pain, soooo many feelings and thoughts about situations in my life, past and present, amassed over my life time, came crashing down, sweeping my feet from beneath me, knocking the wind out of me, and slamming me to the ground.

Yesterday, I made it through a fantastic, albeit exhausting, CAB session, was treated to and enjoyed a great lunch with Teeny, and promptly went home, requiring some serious self-care, which came in the form of a planned forty-five minute rest that turned into a much needed, two hour nap.

This morning when I woke up, I knew that I needed a plan to battle back against the suffocating weight that was upon me. I could not carry on in the state that I had been.

I thought back to the containment exercises, specifically "The Container", shared with me during AADP that are used to aid in controlling the anxiety, feelings, and thoughts that accompany memories, thoughts, and triggers that are too chaotic and overwhelming to cope with in the moment. I also recalled a meditation I had tried that involved visualizing being on the shore of a beautiful beach, placing negative triggers, people, words, events, images, etc. in a boat, and sending the load far out into the ocean.

From there, I devised my method of preservation.

I visualized a simple loft like space with many rooms, and saw all the people, images, feelings, STUFF, floating around like they belonged, pretending to be tenants. I identified them instead as squatters, none of whom had paid rent in quite some time. I handed out eviction notices for non-payment of rent and began to clear them all out, tossing everything into cardboard moving boxes.

It’s been a busy day, in my minds eye; I’ve been packing and scrubbing the spaces clean. Every time a "squatter", an unhelpful/unhealthy person, thought or image, tried to make its presence known, I would sternly say “NOPE. GET in the box!!” or “BACK IN THE BOX!!”, and imagine myself tossing whatever it was into a box with a laugh. 

For the most part, I managed to make it work. This little exercise truly helped me to maintain a semblance of sanity, remain in wise mind thinking, and it truly kept me from drowning today. I felt calmer, my eye on the sun shining through the billowing sheers that adorned the open windows, as the now empty rooms begin to fill with the warm and gentle aura of clarity, peace, and hope.

Find what works, and work the $#!t out of it. 

Until? It would seem, until it all becomes second nature.

I’m doing it!! I’m working it!!

I got this.

(The tools that seem to work best for me often involve allowing my rebel side to brightly shine, the use of facetious talk with Insidious and friends, and humor. I didn’t realize until later this evening that I had been performing, in my mind, like Bob Newhart in this video all day; I sounded just like him! LOL)

Lessons in Gardening

Among many other aspects in my life and mind that have begun to alter, a growing desire to eat healthier has been taking place over the past few years. It’s not something that I just decided to do, and not something I have managed to maintain constantly either. Some subtle, conscious changes in choice have taken root and continue to want to flourish.

This year, for the first time in eight years, my husband and I planted a garden. Planning gave way to spontaneity and excitement, and roughly a month late in the season, we planted vegetables and herbs. We didn’t consider much beyond getting seeds in the ground, and I quickly discovered that I would view this year as our getting back to it/learning season. We were excited to see many things come up, and disappointed to see other things fail.

Peas that were planted beneath a home-made “arbour” made of branches from the yard, quickly became food for the baby birds that took residence in the yard after the loss of our cat. The pumpkin, lovingly planted by Makiya and Grandma, first found trouble when Makiya stepped on it. When it finally healed itself and sprouted two leaves, Makiya’s excitement took over and she plucked them off. Patiently, and hopefully, we waited and watched, only to come out one morning to discover the birds had again been feasting; they plucked the thing straight out of the ground, leaving a hole in the ground! Spinach that we enjoyed for a short time, turned to seed and had to be removed. Radish sprouts were enjoyed, before they, sadly, also went to seed.

Over in my herb garden, we faced many trials; starting with the dog refusing to obey, and consistently making his bed in my Rosemary and Dill seeds. I tried repeatedly to take control, even adding some extra seeds in the hopes of seeing something! The Dill managed to come in quite strong, only to be recently, and finally, destroyed. On the other side, eavestrough issues and downpours have continually drowned my Basil, Oregano and Green Onions.

However, on the bright side of this garden adventure, we have enjoyed spending time working together and talking about what we will have and what we will do differently in the future. We are still enjoying and looking forward to the Sunflower, Zucchini, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Beets, Carrots, Thyme, Parsley, Chives and Basil. We also got excited enough to continue on this journey, that I convinced hubby to keep his eye out on the job for old windows and other materials, which I am thrilled to now have ready to go in the backyard!

A season of learning no doubt! But I am more than excited to be en route in this new little adventure that will only bring good to us in many ways!

Spring Remembered

 I did a search for sun in Clip Board, and I came across this picture.

This picture takes me back to being a young child.

Just like the reminding sense of smell,

this is a vision, an overwhelming feeling of green that has stayed with me.

I remember the schoolyard we used to play at, before we went there as school children.

Way back then, the yard was full of massive trees.

The neighborhood itself seemed to be full gigantic, green trees...

Poplars, Willows, Maples and so many more.

Glimpses into the past remind me of a view so similar to this picture.

I recall the freshness that came from the green leaves.

So light and tangy, I can almost smell and taste it now.

I see the sun as it peered through the trees,

 little slivers of light dancing on the ground.

Every once in a while,

I am taken back to this.

Like it still courses through me on another level...

Green runs through my body,

like breath from my very soul.

The green Springs of my childhood...