Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.


It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

Old Writing - Once Lost and Forgotten

I was a little surprised, on a few levels, when I came across these last night. I had written them between 1997 and 1999, when I was only just entering my twenties…

March 5/1997

I see it by daylight.

I feel it by nightfall.

Consumed by this heart wrenching dream.

Life doesn’t exist…

Time tolerated only by means

that keep this alive and strong…

All inside of me.

Impossible to believe anything,

it’s tearing me apart!

This powerful grip on me,

It guides me, no,

pushes me forward,

Amidst the cemetary trees,

through the demonic graves,

along the horrifying path of the past.

A dim light ahead,

too weak to provide any comfort,

too far for any sort of direction.

What is this nightmare?

Where did it come from?

What is the purpose of this hellish tour?

Silence has begun to suffocate,

searching for relief…

    I lift my face from my pillow.

    Wipe the tears away with my sleeve.

    Look deep and hard…into my eyes…

    Darkness. Empty. Fright. Nothing.

    I lay my head back down.

    Close my eyes.

Nothing else to do, but,

return…

Back in the falling rain,

Surrounded by hidden visions.

March 10/1997


A sweet little girl,
    Soft blonde hair sparkling,
Stands innocently in the sunshine.
A horrifying,
        Dark cloud,
Lingering…
Like a spring rain
    Turning
Into a vicious hurricane,
Her life is torn apart.
A painfully quiet girl,
Darkness inside and out,
Sits in the shadows.
Like a mute:
    See all,
           Hear all,
Say nothing at all.
A cold and bitter girl?
Seen it, done it,
Nothing matters, but
Not surprised.
Worn out,
Tired from the journey…
Just like an old rug…
Walked all over,
        Then…
Tossed away.
There is no more sunshine,
Hasn’t been for years…
Just a constant downpour…
But, that sweet little girl?
She still waits…
Lost innocence, but
The memories…
    Of a sparkling sunny,
        Hope filled time…
Before the hurricane…
The memories keep her
Safe and warm
In the arms
Of the future.

October 29/1998


I saw and felt a scene from Hell
playing out before me.
I was trapped, for what felt like an eternity, and
hard as I tried to find my way back,
I was lost.
I couldn’t see anything in the thick fog, and
I felt suffocated by the darkness of it all.
Reason and Reality seemed like concepts of a
foreign place from that where I was forced to inhabit.
It was like revisiting, in a nightmarish haze,
The past, my past.
I was on fire.
Burning, searing pain that
Consumed me…
It made all the goodness seem like
A dream,
Fading before my open eyes.
I searched for comfort in my source of sunlight, but
All I found was an evil demon
Playing tricks on my eyes, heart and soul.
I felt betrayed, but
Was so confused
That I couldn’t see…
The leader of this twisted game was not my love,
But a being of the Devils own creation.
I had been stalked, hunted, preyed upon…
And I laughed in the face of it all.
I’d beaten this horror once before, and
Believed I was above it.
But, the reminder came,
Like a slap in the face.
It found a hole in my armour,
A weakness…
And proceeded to work at it until,
In the blink of an eye,
I crumbled to pieces of dust blowing in the air.
Gone.
Once again,
A drifting, lost soul.
Drowning in the rain that is my tears.

Always Remember - April 21/1999

Sometimes your mind slips into
The past, flooding with memories
So vividly real.
Tastes, smells, feelings…
They all come back.
Sometimes a face or a voice sticks out above the rest.
Sometimes you wish it would go away.
You pause and wonder.
Curiousity mixed with pain.
Where is that face now?
Have they found a happiness like your own?
Are they still troubled by all we once were?
Have they thought of you?
A door that never was closed,
Swings open wide.
Truths that only you knew,
Haunt.
Answers you always wanted,
But never got.
Sympathy for their disasters…
But, wait…
You don’t know these faces anymore.
Years have passed.
Years.
The time always comes…
Time to put the ghosts to rest.
They just don’t belong.
Like putting toys in the toybox where they belong;
You still want to play,
But you must grow up.
The memories flit past your minds eye…
Hesitating…
Pleading…
“Don’t forget.”
The hushed oath, hidden…
Not forgotten…
“For as long as you remember, I shall never forget…”

May 2/1999

I woke up one day to find
My eyes were no longer my own.
They belonged to someone
    tired,
        someone in pain.
I realized it really was me.
The real me,
the one behind the mask.
The one who had seen too much,
        too soon.

I woke up one morning, and
found my eyes alive again.
They reflected love, hope…
…life…
I knew it was me, and
thought that I had a chance.

Then…
I looked into my eyes again.
I saw pain and exhaustion.
I had tried,
Had faith,
Had love…
Had failed to live.
The sunshine in my eyes
Had burned away.

May 26/1999

My eyes are reflecting…
        Beautiful blue skies,
gorgeous green grass, assorted vibrant flowers, and…
                    with little wandering steps,
         tiny pink legs.
Chubby little pink legs, that reach up
to a chubby face topped with soft blonde hair.
Mischievious blue eyes curiously searching
everything,
        learning…
Soft little hands exploring everything
within reach,
anxious to discover this world she is still new to.
Sweet little gurgles and giggles of wonderment,
like music to my ears.
Scraped knees from stumbling first steps,
        tiny dirt streaks color the pink cheeks
of this amazing little package.
This heavenly little gift is a child.
These words a reflection...
Of the child that might’ve been mine.

Thoughts on Fear -- July 5/1999

Fear is a powerful feeling that leaves you powerless.
It consumes, devours, destroys.
It is a stranger on a dark street.
It is a lover holding you in his arms.
Fear is real.
Fear is fantasy.
Fear is control.
Fear is reckless.
It knows your darkest, deepest secrets.
It knows your dreams.
Fear hunts and stalks.
Fear is old, and all too new.
It is like a weed…
Growing and growing…
Killing as it’s roots take hold.
It distorts reality,
Clouds your mind,
Filling your soul.
Fear is danger.
Fear is safety.
Fear is a decision to give up on yourself.

Photos from our yard...

 So today for the FIRST TIME, I actually took some time to attempt some picture taking, trying different settings, and actually getting some photos of flowers. I am totally a novice, but I am actually proud of some of the shots I took!

Makiya loves the flowers too...She was smelling the blossoms that WERE there!!

Lilacs are my absolute FAVE!! Literally (minus 1 or 2) all of the places (and there are alot!!) that I have lived, luckily, had Lilac trees!!

Just some randomness...we have yet to complete cleaning up our yard, taking out the junk and planting some new flowers. So, I looked around, and saw some things that caught my eye!

I love these shots!! I was a little disappointed at first, the Tulips were all gone, but I found this one!

Like I said, some things just appealed!! 

Hope you like them too!!

The Other Side of Us

I have noticed a re-occuring theme with some blogs, friends and family...It must be that time of year again, Spring!

For myself, I notice IT mostly in the Spring. The winds of change, the longing for growth, the need for REAL...It is a time when I find myself looking deeper within, at who I truly am, at what I truly want, where I truly want to be. It's when I really begin to remember the other pieces that make ME. There is a feeling, a nagging feeling that is trying to tell me something I have been ignoring.

It is so true that we, as women, seem to have 2 sides, or multiple sides to ourselves. ( Now, it bothers me on a certain, indescribable level, to limit this to "women". I think that ALL of us have this at times within ourselves. It is after all, guidance from another level, something not limited by gender...Perhaps, as women, we tend to be more open, receptive to these unseen forces...) There are parts of us that we share with the world on a daily basis, and other slivers, pieces that tend to be more guarded and hidden, our truer selves. We seem to find ourselves at war with these different aspects of ourselves. Not really sure which voice to listen to, and unsure which direction will take us down our ultimate path. At times not nurturing all parts of ourselves, either picking one side to be the "True" self, and ignoring the other pieces, or not caring for any of these parts because we are overwhelmed by the confusion about who we really are.

A while ago I was looking to write about something I remembered from about 14 years ago, but couldn't seem to find the proper context or starting point.
When I first moved to Alberta, through circumstance, I met this gal who I ended up spending a lot of time with. She came up with the theory that I had multiple personalities, and named the prominent ones! There was La-La, La-Da and Luna. It stayed with me all this time, popping up every once in a while, for no real reason. I thought it was funny, never really looking into it deeper.
When I now think of this in relation to the particular topic of having different sides of ourselves, I think it actually fits in quite perfectly! Looking a little deeper, I found meaning to each of these "personalities".

La La- She is the Mommy in me. The fun, carefree and silly side. This is the part of me that isn't ready to be a "grown-up", she just wants playtime and laughter.

La Da- She is the practical, work oriented, serious side. This is the side that tries to fit into "society", tries to be "regular" and accept the mold and roles that are taught to us all.

Luna- Is ME!! Crazy girl at heart. The spontaneous and deeper part of myself. Very similar to La-La, but much more intense. Prone to manic swings of emotion, feeling happy and sad on the intense levels. This is the side that adamantly denies "norms" and expectations.

A light way of looking at it, but perhaps this silly topic of conversation from years ago has been there trying to remind me, trying to clarify a few things... At the same time, I have always joked that I am "such a Libra". Meaning, in my mind, that being the scales I try to weigh everything, right and wrong etc., but I am able to see so "clearly" the positive to be found on either side... To bring that into context, I have a difficult time deciding which of those internal voices, the sides of me are true...they all sound so good, interesting, fun and in perfect balance...

I have the internal war going daily. Which I suppose in itself is a very loud and clear message that something is not quite as it should be. I am not nurturing ALL pieces of myself, and the callings to do so only get louder. I constantly receive the little messages, a song that won't quit inside my head, the reminding smells, a little voice inside myself, surely the little aches and pains that shouldn't be, and an all encompassing lack of determination in any particular direction. All signs, messages...doors that are opening.

I guess, after this longwinded ramble, that is what I find to be the important thing about this subject of our "Other Sides", the 2 of us (or more!) and all the secretive signals that seem to appear out of nowhere...WE MUST BE PAYING ATTENTION! We should always try to listen, "put on our listening ears" as they say. If these things are happening to us, we need to take notice! Ignorance is only prolonging the greatness we search for. It is, and always will be right there, at the ready... It is up to us to always be ready and willing to hear and do the things required to be true to ourselves, all parts of ourselves, our TRUE selves.

We are all on our own journey. The journey to realize our being for what it truly is, where it truly belongs and what it truly wants to be and should to be doing. We are on the path to our TRUE SELF. Everything else is just there to teach us and remind us...

Are you listening to the Other Side of You?

Spring Remembered

 I did a search for sun in Clip Board, and I came across this picture.

This picture takes me back to being a young child.

Just like the reminding sense of smell,

this is a vision, an overwhelming feeling of green that has stayed with me.

I remember the schoolyard we used to play at, before we went there as school children.

Way back then, the yard was full of massive trees.

The neighborhood itself seemed to be full gigantic, green trees...

Poplars, Willows, Maples and so many more.

Glimpses into the past remind me of a view so similar to this picture.

I recall the freshness that came from the green leaves.

So light and tangy, I can almost smell and taste it now.

I see the sun as it peered through the trees,

 little slivers of light dancing on the ground.

Every once in a while,

I am taken back to this.

Like it still courses through me on another level...

Green runs through my body,

like breath from my very soul.

The green Springs of my childhood...

Random things from this past week...

Well has this week ever flown by. Not that I had a lot going on, in fact a whole lot of nothing happened. I've had another week of zero energy, little motivation, and really I would have preferred to just SLEEP! We had disgusting weather, SNOW!! What a downer after the beautiful weather and sunshine we had been enjoying. The snow and gloom does not help lift the spirits or give you any burst of energy or inspire motivation. Well, maybe it does for you, but not even close for me. Longing for the sunshine! Needing the warmth of the sunshine!

I got some GREAT news though...my brother is coming for a visit finally! I haven't seen him in...wow, creeping up on 2 years already! He will of course be doing some cooking, which will be awesome! I can always use a break on that, as much as I do enjoy it. My brother truly loves cooking, and is always ready to show off some skills! More importantly to me is the time he will get with his niece! Makiya has never met her uncle! Mom will of course be coming down too, it's been awhile since she saw him as well...Grandma time is always good with Makiya, so much better than Skype! Our little monkey has done so much growing and learning already in the short time that has passed since mom was here last, it will be so neat for her to see! So excited! I still have to wait roughly a week, mom will be here next weekend and Mike a few days later!

Of course we had a good Easter as well. My lovers (my name for hubby) family came over, so we had a house full! 15 of us in total. 1 baby, 1 toddler and 5 other kids ranging from 4 to 14, the rest adults...whew! We all pitched in and did a cold dinner. Turkey and Ham bun-wiches, my potato and pasta salads, veggies and fruits. Little mess, no cooking and eat as you want! Perfect! We hadn't seen one sister and her family (the largest of the bunch, with 4 kids!) since last year, so we ended up visiting quite late, poor kids!

It was an exhausting day, especially considering I had stayed up until 4am the night/morning before painting our kitchen, putting some colored Gerbera's together in vases, and finishing up some cleaning! I had been dying to get the kitchen painted, freshened up. I was quite disappointed with the way the color turned out though. Lover and I picked it out together, even changing the final color choice, hoping to avoid a brown with pink undertones. Still, it reminds me of chocolate milk! Lover teased me, "well, you're the interior decorator, not me!" But really, we both agreed we made the right choice, and it still just didn't work out the way I envisioned it! I am still glad it's done though, it helps clean it up, makes it feel fresher. I mentioned the lack of energy this week, so the kitchen is still not completed...trims, ceiling and touch ups...and those annoying little drips that my  lover left all over the floor! Plus, now I feel the urge to get the bathrooms done before the family arrives! Will use the same color as the kitchen, again not the prime choice, but I will be pleased to have it painted fresh!

I had been longing to get those flowers for so long, and I was delighted to be putting them together! The picture really didn't take well, but I thought they looked so pretty! Spring in a vase!

Baby girl loves her new bunny rabbit. She loves going up and sitting on his lap, sharing her water with him, reading with him and just snuggling! She has had an interesting week to say the least. A few days of #2 problems, she's cutting teeth, and boy oh boy our girl and her little attitude! She LOVES to test me...hitting has been big again this week, and really grabbing the face, roughly...little munchkin!

She said baby too! Well, be-be and bay-be and bee-bee!

I actually need to take her to the optometrist this coming week, her right eye has dramatically picked up with what I have discovered they call "wall-eye"...I have always noticed it, not often and usually when she was tired, but this week it really ramped up...it's hard to see her when it happens, on several levels, as my hubby said, "it makes me sad"...I am pretty sure that as long as I get her into the doc right away they should be able to help, drops, excersises or something...I sure hope anyways!

Music and dancing...and of course at #1 is her books! Makiya is so into her books, she always brings them to be read, often the same book repeatedly! But she picks them up and finds a special spot to read to herself as well! So precious! Her love for music and dancing is adorable as well. She spins in circles, then gets the knees bending, and legs popping...so special! She gets this little smile across her face as she goes, humming and letting out powerful yells, arms involved and all!!

Oh, and tonight...grateful for another unexpected gift/surprise! I don't have the energy to go on about this one, but, things that happen for reason...doors that open...laws of attraction...All of that stuff, I would add, but again, gotta go now!

Well, I guess I really did have some things to say this week! Didn't really expect to go on so long!

Here's to some optimism, energy, motivation and big smiles this week!

Ladybug

Right from the day she was born, I called Makiya ladybug.
I love you bug, my little ladybug...

Then, at Halloween, she was a ladybug.
Quite a beautiful one too!

Now, she LOVES ladybugs!

We seem to have a large amount of them in our yard, and she is fascinated by them!
She hunkers down and just watches the ladybugs as they crawl around, up the blades of grass
.
Then of course, she has to pick the ladybugs up.
She loves to walk around the yard with one in her fingertips.
Sadly, she usually ends up squishing it.

She shows off her treasure.
She brushes her sticky, ladybug covered fingers across her cheek in the way that she does,
seeming to say
I love you ladybug...

Rainy Days

There was a time that I loved rainy days and rainy nights.

They stirred things inside of me that were, perhaps feelings of romance with a little taste of sadness.

I have never really lived anywhere where it was rainy all of the time,

so these strange days were something to be savored.

The darkness that it brings, the gloominess

is almost comforting.

The kind of day best spent in doors, but,

at the same time,

a whole new world to venture outside.

The rain falling like teardrops.

Perhaps tears of sadness and loss, or

maybe tears of joy and ecstasy.

Rainy days are filled with promise.

The promise of growth.

The promise of a fresh start.

Newly cleansed and ready to blossom.

There is definitley something to be said of the beauty

that is found in rainy days.