Old Writing - Once Lost and Forgotten

I was a little surprised, on a few levels, when I came across these last night. I had written them between 1997 and 1999, when I was only just entering my twenties…

March 5/1997

I see it by daylight.

I feel it by nightfall.

Consumed by this heart wrenching dream.

Life doesn’t exist…

Time tolerated only by means

that keep this alive and strong…

All inside of me.

Impossible to believe anything,

it’s tearing me apart!

This powerful grip on me,

It guides me, no,

pushes me forward,

Amidst the cemetary trees,

through the demonic graves,

along the horrifying path of the past.

A dim light ahead,

too weak to provide any comfort,

too far for any sort of direction.

What is this nightmare?

Where did it come from?

What is the purpose of this hellish tour?

Silence has begun to suffocate,

searching for relief…

    I lift my face from my pillow.

    Wipe the tears away with my sleeve.

    Look deep and hard…into my eyes…

    Darkness. Empty. Fright. Nothing.

    I lay my head back down.

    Close my eyes.

Nothing else to do, but,

return…

Back in the falling rain,

Surrounded by hidden visions.

March 10/1997


A sweet little girl,
    Soft blonde hair sparkling,
Stands innocently in the sunshine.
A horrifying,
        Dark cloud,
Lingering…
Like a spring rain
    Turning
Into a vicious hurricane,
Her life is torn apart.
A painfully quiet girl,
Darkness inside and out,
Sits in the shadows.
Like a mute:
    See all,
           Hear all,
Say nothing at all.
A cold and bitter girl?
Seen it, done it,
Nothing matters, but
Not surprised.
Worn out,
Tired from the journey…
Just like an old rug…
Walked all over,
        Then…
Tossed away.
There is no more sunshine,
Hasn’t been for years…
Just a constant downpour…
But, that sweet little girl?
She still waits…
Lost innocence, but
The memories…
    Of a sparkling sunny,
        Hope filled time…
Before the hurricane…
The memories keep her
Safe and warm
In the arms
Of the future.

October 29/1998


I saw and felt a scene from Hell
playing out before me.
I was trapped, for what felt like an eternity, and
hard as I tried to find my way back,
I was lost.
I couldn’t see anything in the thick fog, and
I felt suffocated by the darkness of it all.
Reason and Reality seemed like concepts of a
foreign place from that where I was forced to inhabit.
It was like revisiting, in a nightmarish haze,
The past, my past.
I was on fire.
Burning, searing pain that
Consumed me…
It made all the goodness seem like
A dream,
Fading before my open eyes.
I searched for comfort in my source of sunlight, but
All I found was an evil demon
Playing tricks on my eyes, heart and soul.
I felt betrayed, but
Was so confused
That I couldn’t see…
The leader of this twisted game was not my love,
But a being of the Devils own creation.
I had been stalked, hunted, preyed upon…
And I laughed in the face of it all.
I’d beaten this horror once before, and
Believed I was above it.
But, the reminder came,
Like a slap in the face.
It found a hole in my armour,
A weakness…
And proceeded to work at it until,
In the blink of an eye,
I crumbled to pieces of dust blowing in the air.
Gone.
Once again,
A drifting, lost soul.
Drowning in the rain that is my tears.

Always Remember - April 21/1999

Sometimes your mind slips into
The past, flooding with memories
So vividly real.
Tastes, smells, feelings…
They all come back.
Sometimes a face or a voice sticks out above the rest.
Sometimes you wish it would go away.
You pause and wonder.
Curiousity mixed with pain.
Where is that face now?
Have they found a happiness like your own?
Are they still troubled by all we once were?
Have they thought of you?
A door that never was closed,
Swings open wide.
Truths that only you knew,
Haunt.
Answers you always wanted,
But never got.
Sympathy for their disasters…
But, wait…
You don’t know these faces anymore.
Years have passed.
Years.
The time always comes…
Time to put the ghosts to rest.
They just don’t belong.
Like putting toys in the toybox where they belong;
You still want to play,
But you must grow up.
The memories flit past your minds eye…
Hesitating…
Pleading…
“Don’t forget.”
The hushed oath, hidden…
Not forgotten…
“For as long as you remember, I shall never forget…”

May 2/1999

I woke up one day to find
My eyes were no longer my own.
They belonged to someone
    tired,
        someone in pain.
I realized it really was me.
The real me,
the one behind the mask.
The one who had seen too much,
        too soon.

I woke up one morning, and
found my eyes alive again.
They reflected love, hope…
…life…
I knew it was me, and
thought that I had a chance.

Then…
I looked into my eyes again.
I saw pain and exhaustion.
I had tried,
Had faith,
Had love…
Had failed to live.
The sunshine in my eyes
Had burned away.

May 26/1999

My eyes are reflecting…
        Beautiful blue skies,
gorgeous green grass, assorted vibrant flowers, and…
                    with little wandering steps,
         tiny pink legs.
Chubby little pink legs, that reach up
to a chubby face topped with soft blonde hair.
Mischievious blue eyes curiously searching
everything,
        learning…
Soft little hands exploring everything
within reach,
anxious to discover this world she is still new to.
Sweet little gurgles and giggles of wonderment,
like music to my ears.
Scraped knees from stumbling first steps,
        tiny dirt streaks color the pink cheeks
of this amazing little package.
This heavenly little gift is a child.
These words a reflection...
Of the child that might’ve been mine.

Thoughts on Fear -- July 5/1999

Fear is a powerful feeling that leaves you powerless.
It consumes, devours, destroys.
It is a stranger on a dark street.
It is a lover holding you in his arms.
Fear is real.
Fear is fantasy.
Fear is control.
Fear is reckless.
It knows your darkest, deepest secrets.
It knows your dreams.
Fear hunts and stalks.
Fear is old, and all too new.
It is like a weed…
Growing and growing…
Killing as it’s roots take hold.
It distorts reality,
Clouds your mind,
Filling your soul.
Fear is danger.
Fear is safety.
Fear is a decision to give up on yourself.