Sunday, January 30, 2011

Be True to You

A few days I thought back to something that I had written in 1994, when I was 16.

6 years later, in 2000, I was in the middle of a horrible relationship and wanting more in my life, so I wrote it out and posted it up beside my mirror where I could see it every morning and every night before bed. It inspired me everyday back then, in a sense giving me the strength that I needed to move forward from where I was. I was thinking that it would be a good thing to put up again, as a mantra of sorts.

I had kind of put it on the back burner, until just now. Feeling frustrated at my lack of words, I thought it would be a good idea to pull out my “Old Blue Binder” and share one of my old pieces; it had been a long time since I had done so…Well, I opened it up, randomly, and what piece should appear?! The same one I had been thinking about! So, there’s my sign; it’s obviously the PERFECT time to share it with you and put it back up on my wall!

(I am posting it as it was then, no editing…)

Hope you like it!

Learn to be
Who you want to be,
Not who “Should” be.
There’s only one
Person you need
To make happy,
And that’s you.
Everything you
Say and do,
Effects your happiness.
So be true to you.
Do what you
Have to do,
To make yourself happy,
Not what others
Want to make THEM happy.
You are who you are.
Accept it, respect it and
If need be, change it.
Don’t blame others
For problems you have.
Anything that goes
Wrong in your life
Is brought on by you.
So, learn to be
Who you want to be;
Do what it takes,
To make you happy.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Terrible Two's? Argh...

The Terrible Two’s.

Well, we were convinced that she hit that early; my BF informed me that while that may have been so, it really didn’t matter b/c while you outgrow one thing, you grow into another. Each new phase brings with it a whole different set of challenges to face.

Now, baby girl IS two, and WOW!! I thought we had issues before; I am in trouble right now! This headstrong, independent and (for lack of the right word) “in the right spot, the same way, a particular way, nearing perfectionist” girl is DEFINITELY our daughter!! When they say that you get paid back for how you treated your parents, I ALREADY see what I am going to be up against!! This girl is seriously challenging me at JUST two years old!

My BF commented on how well I seemed to be managing my stress and frustrations awhile back; in comparison to her occasional, medium lashing out, she found me to be unbelievably calm when dealing with Makiya.

Well let me tell you! I am quickly slipping into a state that I am not happy with or proud of. I know that as moms we have a tendency to be very hard on ourselves. It is normal to have bad days, to occasionally slip and react in ways that we never imagine or intend to. I cannot help but be hard on myself though. I am trying so hard, and making an effort to remind myself that she is learning, she doesn’t understand all things, or even how to control or express her frustrations in any other way than that in which she is. But it is soooo difficult. Add sudden interruption in her sleep (nap and early waking), which leaves me exhausted, and everything suddenly becomes very hard to deal with.

She wants to scream, make that high pitched “ehhhh” sound (that DRIVES me!!), thrash, throw herself on the floor, throw anything that is close to her, cry huge alligator tears (which quickly proceeds to sobbing and gagging), refuse to eat, DEMAND and resist everything from the simplest thing right on up!!

I finally noticed tonight that her last two top molars finally poked through, so I imagine a part of the sleep problem could be that. I also recently, out of frustration, ended the ritual of allowing drinks of water in the bedroom while settling in for nap or bedtime. She had turned it into a hugely chaotic game that had no end, except her screaming and bawling her eyes out, until I went in one last time to settle her back down; yes, I created that one, and it had to end. So, between those two possibly interrupting her sleep, the change in her amount of rest would contribute to the accelerated change in daytime behavior I suppose…

Ugh, it’s just so frustrating! I know it’s a phase that will soon pass, and we’ll be on to the next big learning curve, but in the meantime; I’d like to run away most days!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Change Is In The Air

I am not very comfortable with change in many ways; which is funny because I have always had the tendency to live on the edge, take whatever comes my way and adapt as necessary. These days though, I have allowed myself to become enveloped in a cocoon of sorts; I live inside MY world, my routines, habits and I find myself irritated when something or someone breaks the monotony of my day.

(Monotony. I repeated that inside my head as I finished the sentence, and while that is the word I truly want to include at the moment, I feel as though it downplays the joy that I DO experience spending my days, tending to, teaching, playing with and all the other wonderful things that go with being the stay at home mom of my daughter. I do love my role and could not/would not change it at all. Oooh, feels like a “but” coming into play…

BUT… Without going away from what I really wanted to write about, I will simplify this: Winter, I don’t currently drive, procrastination, anxiety, change and a few other things. Enough said?)

I enjoy the pace of my day as it is; ok, I have grown accustomed to the pace that I initially set, and my daughter now maintains. I have gotten used to having her go down for her nap, while I get my quiet, alone time to write, visit blogs, research whatever is on my mind, check FB, play the odd game of Spider Solitaire on the computer and listen to my soap, Days of our Lives, playing in the background! I am used to, yes this is sad to admit, the when and where of my quick smoke breaks throughout the day. Dinnertime is typically me sitting with Makiya while she eats, and then many hours later, when hubby is home, truck unloaded and invoices etc. done, we finally sit down on the couch and eat together before going to bed. I am comfortable in shutting down the moment I put baby girl down for the night; zoning out and trying to write, staring blankly at my surroundings as my mind processes the many things that are zipping through my mind or surfing the internet…

When someone comes by for a visit or comes to stay, I am instantly wrapped up in a tense little ball inside myself. My mind races with thoughts of how to stay on track, when and where I will be able to escape to and how I am going to manage to appear sane!

I KNOW that some of my thinking is perfectly normal, and that while some of my routines with baby girl may be too much; I am a mother who wants and is trying to give only the best start in life for her daughter. I am trying to instill good habits; eating, learning, creativity… I also know that I have some areas of my thinking and living that need some review.

This brings me to the major change in my life that sits on my doorstep. A wonderful blessing really, that leaves me, while certainly happy and excited, also nervous, hesitant and uneasy at the changes that will inevitably come to my current routine. It is silly really, and I can acknowledge that simple fact, and yet I find my stomach in a ball of knots!

Why do I meet each new phase and chapter of my life with such strong resistance? I know that change is not only good, but required, and yet every time I sit looking at a new path that opens before me, I feel as though my world is ending and I don’t know how I will ever cope with the transition.

I know that the uneasy feeling that precedes major changes in our life is a GOOD thing, it is our body preparing us for the upheaval, the disruptions that will soon come. Change is necessary, it is the center of all wonderful things in our lives and our world.

Yet, I fight it with all I can. I tell myself every single negative thing that could be, usually centering only around myself, and why this new venture is actually a terrible idea. I completely look past every positive and important facet of that which is waiting and staring me in the face. I refuse to look at the prize in front of me, that is only steps away, and I get caught up in what I think, in the moment, is going to take me away from “me”. Not thinking of or realizing that I made the change occur, I brought on whatever stands before me and I made it happen on purpose. I asked for these changes in an effort to move forward, progress and succeed in all of my hopes and dreams, not only for myself, but for those I love.

I was really trying to get to the point of a change that is not only on the horizon, but sitting right before me; happening now. I am ecstatic and looking forward to growing more into myself; as a wife, a mother and step-mom. But, I am also scared as hell! I am afraid of the role in itself, the responsibility, the impact on my daughter and marriage, and selfishly, the effect on my own personal self and time in relation to the place I have now settled, comfortably or not.

I know, as I have mentioned, that I am more than capable of adapting to major changes in my life. I know that I can excel in those areas that I dedicate myself to. I know that in a short time, my feelings of confusion and wonder will be replaced with a new sense of normal and comfort.

Sigh... I guess, I just need a couple of days; to myself would be wonderful!! Which reminds me; I came across this great post the other day, and she had a great idea that any parent would be happy to indulge in I am sure! The idea of a “Willy Wonka Grandparent Day” sounds heavenly to me right about now!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Smile...Because you Can

I was playing around last night, looking for new blogs to read; looking for something interesting, and something that might inspire me in some way. I found a few really neat ones! I decided to check back on a couple of them just now, and came across an absolutely beautiful post.

If you are like me, you may not know, but today is National Awareness for Moebius Syndrome.

Attack of the Redneck Mommy  has posted an absolutely heart-warming tribute to her beautiful little boy who was diagnosed with Moebius Syndrome when he was just 8 days old. This left her son unable to smile, frown or even blink; his face didn’t move.

I encourage you to pop over and read this, I am sure you will be smiling after, just as I am.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Morning Person? HA!!

I have never been a morning person; self admitted morning grump! I have never been happy in those first moments, after the eyes open and the mind realizes that it’s been brought out of its state of re-charging. Morning greetings, aside from those sweetly uttered by my daughter, are typically met with the equivalent of “grrrr…”! I can’t shake the growlies in the morning, even though I can lightly laugh at my foolishness; to myself. The morning cup of coffee has never been the fix either; for me, it’s the shower.

Most mornings, when I step into the warmth of my shower, I can’t contain the “Aaahh…Oh. My. God.” That slips from my mouth. My bones and muscles instantly relax, my pores open and as the water rushes down on me, I feel the sleepy haze drift up and away with the steam. I feel rejuvenated. I feel human. All the residual grumpiness flows down the drain with the shampoo and soap.

The perfect solution: a magical shower installed beside the bed. The moment my eyes open I could be instantly and gently transported into the shower. Some of my favorite tunes playing, the magical machine sets to work washing my hair, oh and some heavenly scent floating through the steam and seeping into my skin…sounds great!! (Not sure how this would work, but it is a GREAT idea!)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Would YOU Go Back If You Had A Time-machine?

I was reading a new blog that I came across recently, Stratejoy, and they are currently doing “interviews” with some of the girls that contribute to the site. One of the questions that they are asking is about traveling back in time with a time machine. So it got me thinking about it; where WOULD I go if I had access to a time machine? Would I go back at all?

With unlimited access, I would of course have to choose to go waaay back before my time. I have never been that good at history, it’s more something I have recently begun to have a true, more accurate interest in, but. I always wanted to live in the days of the “wild west”, the “gold rush” days, and of course, the days of Laura Ingalls. I have never been an avid romance novel reader, but in my years of reading, have of course managed to come across a few really good ones; the ones that go back to the days of castles, lords and ladies; so I have a little bit of an interest in going back to those days. The twenties, fifties, sixties and early seventies have appeal to me as well; depending on the decade, I would probably even go back as a child, a teenager approaching her twenties, and then again as an adult! I am sure there are a few more that I am missing, but that is a pretty busy start to a chance at playing with time travel!

In my own lifetime; would I really choose to go back? I honestly struggle with that. For the most part, I have come to accept that every single thing, including the horrible things, I experienced were on purpose, for a purpose, and I am a better person now because of it. There are days I still wonder though; if I hadn’t done X, would I have arrived somewhere different than I am at now? Would I have a different life? Maybe. If I had chosen a different path, become a different person in some ways, achieved more, done more; would I really be happier? Most of the time, I answer with a loud NO. I WOULD take back any of the hurts that I may have imposed on others along my journey, but as for my own outcomes/ consequences, I don’t think I would take any of it back.

How about you? If given the opportunity, would you go back in time and where/when would you go?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I realize more and more everyday that although I am doing a wonderful thing when it comes to staying at home with my daughter, I am not really doing a single other thing that has meaning for ME. I try to write, again stuck in my head with no words coming out; but I want and need to be doing more. I have visions, expectations, hopes and dreams for my future, and I am truly doing nothing to work towards making any of it become a reality.

Something is blocking my path.

I am full of intentions, try to plan my day and still every day is beginning to run into the next. Like the movie “Groundhog Day”, I live the same day over and over again. Part of it is just the fact that I am an at-home mom I imagine, I don’t drive, so I don’t get out in the winter as often as I would like, or should, and on the subject of the season, I do get the blahs EVERY year at this time.

At the end of the day, I know that I should and could be doing so much more. The more I find to become involved with, the more I will begin to feel better, and the closer I will come to opening the doors that need to pushed wide open. And yet, I find myself asking if somewhere deep inside I am AFRAID to move forward. Of course, that is not an easy question to ask oneself, and is usually met with that insane laughter, “Ha Ha! Why would I not want to have my dreams come true?! That is ridiculous!!” But if I am not afraid on some level, what else could be holding me back? I have the power to achieve anything that I put my heart and mind into, and I KNOW that is true, so why do I insist on staying in this holding zone?

What words am I afraid to write? What people am I fearful of encountering? What potential change in my life, if I were to be successful, is frightening to me on some level when I imagine it? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of what people would think if I were to do A, B or C? Why am I afraid of exposing myself, who I am and what I have done? Why am I afraid to learn and try something totally new?

Are there things that you know you should be doing to get closer to your true self and what you truly want in your life? If so, what “fears” are in your way and how are you making the effort to push past that?

Monday, January 17, 2011

Finding Balance in Being “The Adult”


Okay, I have to admit that I really do like this song. It’s one of those, hmmm, kind of inside jokes with myself. It reminds me of when I was a teenager; the crazy fun of being so young, carefree and, well, for me, a couple of the really stupid guy mistakes I made. But, like I said, it’s been a good song, and I haven’t been bothered by the references made; I enjoyed my personal relations to the song.

Until now.

When does it finally change inside of us? When do we realize the things we thought we were truths are nothing but lies that benefited another? When do we turn into adults?!

As we grow older, our role, in the circles that we are part, becomes that of an adult, and the others that have now become the children or teenagers.

I have no other option but to laugh inside myself at times. I can look at the teenage girls and think, “oh I have sooo been there!”, other times it’s more like “aww, girl, you are so much better than this!” or, even more common among many of our thoughts, “what are you thinking?!”

The proclaimed love for boys that have no clue, the belief that the boy in question loves her or the “you don’t know how I feel!!” Oh, to be so young and truly clueless; no thank you!!

I was one of those girls that did go with the older guys; usually at least five years older back then. I, of course, found nothing strange in a guy in his twenties/thirties having interest in a girl that was fifteen or sixteen. I was special, I was pretty enough and smart enough; why wouldn’t they be interested in me?! It would never have occurred to me that, any girl that was in her right mind and of the appropriate age and maturity, would never consider these guys because they were immature and not interested in progressing in their lives enough to lead a productive and fulfilling life. It would never have made sense that what others knew to be true WAS the truth; those guys were only interested in having a good time, getting drunk/high and having sex with ANYONE that would actually go near them! There was nothing about me that was “special” in their eyes, except I was the one that was taking the time in the moment to make THEM feel special; ha, no one else would go there!

What I mean to say is that these guys who are older, the ones that get involved with young, teenage girls have the tendency to be guys that really have not even a glimmer of love and respect in their body for the girls they become involved with. They aren’t thinking of the feelings, futures or current lives of the girls that they are actually seducing. Sure, most times, they are so immature and insecure within themselves that there usually isn’t even a chance that they realize that they are doing something that is wrong; sure they might HEAR the warnings from unhappy parents or friends that have more intelligence, but they don’t really get it.

Why are we, as young girls, so accepting? Why do we insist on searching out and taking on that which is so obviously NOT right for us? Why can we not realize that we will never find that which we often miss, either physically or emotionally, from our fathers; no boy or man could or would ever be able to fill or replace that which has not been filled inside of ourselves! Yet, we continue to walk down that road that takes us even farther from the result that we so desperately seek; telling ourselves along the way that THIS guy is different, and he WILL be THE ONE.

The one…who will do what? Will say what? Will make us feel what? No man could ever take us back to that place where we were a little girl who needed the love, comfort and guidance of our daddy. He could never say the words that as a child we NEEDED to hear, or wanted to hear. His arms could never feel large enough to cover the body of a heartbroken child who cried herself to sleep with hopes and dreams of her daddy being there to comfort her.

It took time to realize the truth about these “relationships” from my youth. It takes all of us time to learn the things that we need to, but, once you have invested the years of learning, it also slowly becomes a little more difficult to recall the naivety that once existed inside ourselves. It becomes harder to see what drove us and what inside allowed us to accept the things that we now see as ridiculous.

The up side of growing older is that we learn, and gain insight, but the downside is that we also have a tendency to forget where we came from; literally, and also in terms of the innocence that led us to make the choices we did.

Finding the balance between these two becomes imperative when it comes to dealing with our children/stepchildren/grandchildren and, really, all of the children that we encounter in our lives.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Twenty-One for Life!!

The year that I turned twenty-two, I, strangely enough, got confused and actually believed that I was only twenty-one! It took a heated discussion and several attempts at the math, (yes, as ridiculous as that sounds, it DID happen) I finally agreed, that I was a year older than I seemed to want to be. So, from that day on, I kind of kept it as an inside joke, with myself, that I would be twenty-one for life. Why not, twenty-one is legal worldwide, at that age you can “do whatever you want” and the world is fresh and new, yours for the taking!

Truth be told, even still, as the years continue to pass by, I feel more like seventeen on the inside. Of course I have learned multitudes since that time in my life, but beyond that growth, I do feel like a teenager inside in many ways! Some days, it feels like there is no way that fifteen years have passed, as the memories that I hold of that time still seem so vivid and fresh in my mind. Some of my hopes and beliefs exist in the same way that they did back then, and I am sure plenty of my “attitudes” and mannerisms are also a throw-back to the days of seventeen!

(Another little “truth” about the youth I feel inside; as I settle into my yoga pants and hoodie, although I do try to expand what I hear into whenever I get dressed and look in the mirror; I can hear my step-son telling me I look like a teenager. A few years ago, we were on a camping trip and were getting ready to sit and relax for the evening in front of the campfire; so we all had changed into our comfy clothes. Well, when I came out of the tent after changing, my step-son was reduced to giggles that he explained were because he thought I looked like a teenager!! I can’t really complain about hearing those sweet little words from an amazing little boy whenever I look in the mirror!)

But, seventeen and twenty-one, I am certainly not. I am now thirty-two years old, and feel everyday of it, with a large slice of open and free alongside. While I don’t think I am “old” by any stretch of the imagination, I am now what would be classified by others as an “adult”, a “woman” and I have even heard “cougar”, come on really?! I am hardly past thirty!! I can see the little lines that are beginning to invade my eyes and forehead, I can see how all of my skin seems to have lost a little of that much talked about “elasticity”…but my eyes still hold the same glint they always have, my hair is still long and blonde and I see much of the same “girl” in the mirror.

I don’t feel the way I imagine my mom did at thirty-two, or the way many of my friend’s mothers may have; and certainly I do not feel the way our grandmothers must’ve felt at thirty-two. Perhaps I have built a stereo-type in my head over the years of what would be expected for a women to be like at my age; but I realize how wrong that is/was, and even more so in this “day and age”.

While it may take a little tweaking and reminders to myself as I go along, I fully intend to stick with this twenty-one for life thing! The whole world is and will always be open to me; it is mine for the taking. I don’t think of myself as a “grown-up”, I am a growing up person; in the process of growing, not done growing and always growing. I don’t think, and I really hope, that I never truly “grow-up”; I don’t want to be done, life will not end or slow for me. I want to have fun while I continue to learn, grow and experience life as fully as a child experiences every new thing that they encounter. I don’t ever want to get stuck in believing that I can’t do something because I am not young enough, or because someone says that someone of such and such an age would not or should not do it.

So, here’s to twenty-one for life!!

Monday, January 10, 2011

My Heart Aches for You...

My mind is stranded on an island; I cannot seem to escape it, and part of me doesn’t really want to.

My concern for you stirs up memories of a time when I stepped onto the road you seem to be choosing for yourself. It takes me back in an effort to remember what sent me on my way, in the very beginning, with hopes of finding another similarity that will allow me to connect with you. I don’t know how or what it is that I could say to you, I only know that inside of me it feels like a mission that is mine to undertake. I feel as though I could help you through this time. With as much hope as there is inside of me, I wish that I could take you off of this track that you appear to be heading towards. I want to save you from the pain that I know will only grow inside of you if you aren’t careful. I know what a critical time this is for you, and I also know that, as it was for me, there is likely little that can really be said or done to prevent you from making the choices that you may very well insist upon making.

I know how smart, strong-willed and amazing that you are, and I know that YOU do not want to lose those parts of yourself. I know that you have hopes and dreams that exceed the places you are about to go. I know that if you decide to stay on this path, you will slowly watch every plan that you had for yourself drift by like a puff of smoke, and it will only get harder to get where you want to be. I know that you believe that you are going to make your life easier and more manageable, but it is so much more complicated than you believe; once you step in, there is no going back.

At this time, I can only hope that you continue to reach out to us, and we still have time to reach you before you venture any farther away. I hope that what I feel inside is not true, and I hope that you have managed to maintain your true strength; enough at the very least to still be on the outskirts of the harsh reality that is drawing you in.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

"Weeds" in Our Gardens

Sometimes, we allow, shall we say “toxic” people, to exist in our lives. They have been there for many years, so the list of reasons that we could, would and do continue to endure the ups and downs that inevitably follow them can, and does, go on and on.

But I am sure that for most of us, there usually comes a time when the drama becomes intolerable; we cannot continue to allow ourselves to be continually pulled down by this person/these people. History and shared past gives way to personal health and growth.

I know it has been that way for me in many cases throughout the years.

For others, the task of shedding a few layers is something they don’t comprehend; they cannot seem to imagine moving forward out of fear, feelings of debt or responsibility, loneliness, etc. They appear to be willing to have their lives swallowed in the dark depths of another’s insanity!

I struggle on a certain level with what I am trying to say, because I know that we all deserve a hand up, guidance, acceptance etc., however, there truly are those people that exist in this world that are willing to sacrifice another’s well-being to selfishly attain what they falsely believe is theirs for the taking. Their words, promises and apologies are truly empty, and spewed only in, yet again, desperate attempts to take control of situations in which they begin to feel weakened.

I have worked, in some ways perhaps more strenuously that required, at the process of cleansing the above mentioned people from my life; but I have found others close to me that have some difficulty with this and I have really worked hard at trying to understand it all! I have had a hard time understanding why they would allow these people to continue to pop in and out of their lives, even when they have made attempts to cleanse their inner circles.

I always say that every person we encounter has a message for us or to take from us; and I get to feeling like “OK, I GET IT, or THEY GET IT; lessoned learned! Can we all move on now?!”

Until we find the courage to face every so called “demon” in the closet, every past wrong-doing or un-attended matter, whatever the source; we cannot and will not be able to fully move forward in our life, on our journey. Something will always be holding us back, pulling at our pant leg, dropping obstacles in our path. It is true “You can run, but you can’t hide…”. Something will always be there to pull us backwards and down if we try to escape the consequences of our actions silently and blamelessly.

I realize now, that there must be a deeper lesson that is involved; something that we are so hell-bent on ignoring, pushing aside, denying… There is some major task to be undertaken, something that is in serious need of resolution and attention, and the only way for the universe to give us a real “slap in the face” is to repeatedly push these “unwanted, dangerous” people in our face. These people are mirror images in some sense, some form or another, and they are SCREAMING at us to wake up!!

It truly does boil down to why WE allow ourselves to neglect the gardens that are our lives. Every detail, each thought and all of our actions can be likened to that of the wanted foliage or the undesired weeds in our garden of life. It all simply requires a little time, patience, understanding and care; we tend to the things that are required to sustain our life, our journey and we prune or remove that which is growing awry and out of control.

I Want You to Know:

I see that look deep inside of your eyes and I know how it feels.

I was your age once; not so long ago that I have forgotten what it means.

I too had parents that didn’t understand me, and I didn’t get them; I wanted to run fast and far.

I tried everything that I could in an effort to escape; boys, drugs and actually running away.

I felt pain that I believed would consume me, end me; and I wanted it to at times.

I felt alone, even when I was with my “friends”.

I was tired of being told I was only a kid and did everything I could think of (not in the right ways) in an effort to prove that I wasn’t.

In all of my efforts to grow up quickly, I eventually lost who I really was. I lost who I wanted to become and what I wanted to do in my life. I wanted to do things differently, but everyone had made their minds up about who I’d become, so it felt easier to just keep going, instead of being true to me.

Eventually, you wake up one day, and it all is a lot different. It does get better. We learn and grow from our mistakes, and hopefully do what it takes to make it all right again for ourselves.

You are and always have been strong. You are continuing to grow into a strong young woman, who will obviously grow up to be wise as well. Stay true to yourself and don’t let anyone stop you from going after every dream that you have and will have. Know that you are beautiful and amazing in each and every way and are more loved than you could possibly imagine.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Other Side-Inside of Him

He knew that it was the one thing he shouldn’t do, but a part of him felt entitled; he earned it, he wanted it and who could say differently?

His mind no longer his own as it spun in erratic circles. Nothing made sense, yet it was the only way it could be. The voice behind it all not a friend of his, but instead the one who wanted to destroy everything it could manage to touch. He had no choice but to succumb to the screaming that came from within; he joined it in a desperate attempt to control it.

He couldn’t even see the path of reason sitting before him; his eyes had also left his control and all he could see was darkness. Every step he took and every word he allowed to escape his mouth was like leaving a trail of lit gasoline behind him. He was setting fire to his surroundings but it fell on sightless eyes and ears that only heard the voice inside.

He was getting angrier by the second; who was doing this to him and what gave them the right? He wouldn’t settle, he would fight back and punish before anything could touch him.

He didn’t realize that it was coming from himself. He couldn’t accept that he was the one who had done it; he refused to take responsibility.

Instead, he allowed the insanity to take over his body and mind; raging until there was nothing left inside and he collapsed into a heap on his sofa.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

2 Years Ago Tonight

It’s hard to believe that 2 years have passed by already…

2 years ago tonight, I lay alone in a hospital bed with my 2 day old baby girl beside me; we didn’t realize, and no one offered, that my husband could stay with us. Baby girl was having a little bit of a problem with phlegm, choking and not being able to breathe; in the end it was nothing serious, but as a new mom, I was terrified! Next to us, was a rather loud baby, mom and dad; this baby would NOT stop crying!! When it finally would fall asleep, mom and dad would continue to chat, not very quietly, especially considering the time of night that it was. Baby girl, as she continued to do for nearly a year, did not sleep very well either, being continuously awakened by the commotions behind the curtain. I was exhausted, nervous about being left alone with a newborn, and longed to me in the comfort of my own home, with my husband there by my side. I grew more and more anxious, and extremely irritable; I just wanted to take my baby and walk out of the hospital!!

Finally, after very little sleep, it was morning! I called home, excited to find out when hubby and mom would be coming to get us; not, of course, thinking of the time it would take the doctor to come around, or what the reaction to my legs would be. Unfortunately, by morning, my legs, ankles and feet had swollen up to a rather large and uncomfortable size. When the doctor finally came around to see us, several hours after I had anticipated, there was a great concern for what was going on with me; baby girl had been deemed healthy enough to go home. We had to wait even longer as I was being sent for an ultra-sound to clear the possibility of a blood clot.

At last, time for our new little family to go home! The concern with ladybugs choking etc., the insecurities, all soon disappeared; taken over by the routine of our new life with a baby, the natural and instinctive take-over that happens.

Now, we sit here, 2 years later. Baby girl is not so much a baby anymore. She’s now a toddler, a little girl; a child with a brilliant mind all her own. Independent and strong-willed, learning so many things so quickly, developing her personality, and discovering her very distinct “likes” and “dislikes”. Our beautiful, precious little girl…

Monday, January 3, 2011

Content to Dream...for now...

My husband got me a beautiful calendar of tropical islands for Christmas, Islands in the Sun. Most anyone who knows me, can probably imagine how much delight this brought me! Just to stare into each photograph of vibrant blues in the waters and skies, the lush greens of the trees and other plants and the broad spectrum of colors to be found in the exotic flowers…ahhhh!! Each and every time that I gaze into such photos, I am INSTANTLY transported; I can feel the sand beneath my feet, the water lapping at my toes, I feel the warmth of the sun and the breeze that lightly lifts the hairs on my arms and I can smell so many things, the salt in the air, the flowers, the coconut oil on my skin…

This new year, 2011, will bring me that much closer to achieving my dream. No, unfortunately, I don’t have plans made, nor am I currently actively working towards it; however, it is, and always has been, deep inside of me, the knowledge that I WILL be in these places. I KNOW that my life is going to take me there, not just for a short vacation, but I will have the opportunity to soak up every single bit of it all as I spend perhaps years there.

Lofty dreams? Wishful thinking? Perhaps, but I choose instead to live happily in the belief that what I have always felt to be a reality in my future, will absolutely be. Besides, doesn’t somebody say that without dreams we have nothing?!

For now, I face each day as it comes. Attending to the things I must, and dreaming/planning of the day when I prepare to make the trip to the places I will go.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year and Happy Birthday to my Baby Girl!!

I have many things swirling through my mind these days, many things I would like to write about and things I would like to write down in an effort to work them out inside of me. Between Christmas, visiting family and cold/flu running through the house, I haven’t had a chance to do much of anything! Now that I am getting back to normal, the Christmas decorations are coming down, goals are ready to be decided upon and set and focus on my writing is in order!

Today is my baby girls 2nd Birthday!

Wow, it is so true “time flies” when it comes to our kids! In some ways it has been looooong and in most other ways, it is just amazing how fast she has grown and learned so many things. I remember all of the fear and anticipation leading up to her birth, the back labor and finally meeting her for the first time; and I savor every instant since then. Makiya has taught me so many things, about myself, about life and about family. Her laughter, that smile and her wonder at life capture me every minute of each day, and I fall deeper in love with her!

Well, these are all the words I can manage for now, and I should really get back to the mess that is this house!!

Happy New Year to you all, and I look forward to sharing, learning and growing some more with you in the upcoming year!
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