Links, Books, Quotes, and AADP

Even in the harshest of conditions...

In March, I began feeling stronger about working on my healing and recovery.

The team, knowing my thirst for knowledge, talked about Co-Dependency, Boundaries, using Affirmations (I begin my day writing a positive affirmation about myself),  and Grounding, among other topics. As I searched for their recommendations, I began to delve deep into the shelves at the library, soaking in the many words and comfort I found in the plethora of books I found there.

There were many, of course, but the ones that really stand out as being an immense help were: 

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I LOVED and was totally inspired by Mackenzie Phillips 2nd book, Hopeful Healing, and then read her 1^st, High on Arrival. Rewired by Eerica Spiegelman stirred me so much, that for the first time EVER, I veritably got serious about what I was taking in, and genuinely did the work, dug into the questions I needed to ask myself, and proudly had some small epiphanies. As with Rewired, Recover by Stanton Peele, PhD, put me to work. It was fucking hard!! Yet, I persisted, and began to make some progress in understanding myself.

I began taking notes in CAB, learning about REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy), and working through the ABC and CBA worksheets they had available from the SMART Recovery program. We spoke a lot about IB’s (Irrational Beliefs), Dealing with Urges and Cravings, and Early Recovery among MANY topics each week.

I began to hear phrases, words, and quotes that stuck with me, and I repeatedly wrote them out in the notebook I carried to group: “It takes 21 Days to create a new habit”, “healing at a cellular level”, “feelings aren’t facts”, “If life doesn’t go right, go left”, and Mama Facilitator’s favorite, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail”, which was her segue to pull out the Safety Cards. At first, I carelessly wrote them out, and carried them close as suggested. It took some time before I truly found the value in them, and I continue to use the many I have now created. I highly recommend creating your own!

I began dipping my toes into the actual SMART  Recovery meeting with my new friend Teeny in April. Though I knew no one else, I felt instantly at ease and comfortable when I walked in for the first time. The group topic often, coincidentally, aligned with what we had worked on in CAB, which I found incredibly helpful. I was able to really cement the ideas inside myself, making it easier to re-wire some parts of my brain and create new thought patterns and beliefs!

I was starting to get so excited about getting healthy and changing my life!

I was doing a lot of intense, hard-work, as I continued to drink. Until, I made a CHOICE not to. I had finally attended the Orientation for AADP, placed myself on the wait-list, and got ready to WAIT. And WAIT.

As I mentioned in my last post, “The feedback I received around me was, of course, over the moon positive and proud. I, however, was doing some tricky thinking in the background. One of the requirements of attending AADP is to be clean during the 8 weeks of the program. That little voice inside taunted me, telling me that no one would ever know what I did upon leaving group each day. With a laugh, I, finally, caught and corrected that thought. I would know. The joke, and the consequences, would only be on me. I announced that I would be easing off until I got the call, and then I would quit."

“Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last honesty and truth.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thankully, my drive to get healthy was activated BEFORE I got that call, and so I had become intentional in my daily activities, preparing myself for what lay ahead. I quit drinking.

I  worked hard with my books, engaged in learning and healing, identified and enforced boundaries (for the first time EVER), and whatever else I thought might be helpful!

I was at 18 days without a drink when I finally did get the call that I would be starting AADP, and I was STOKED!! I was becoming more clear and positive in my thinking, and was trying quite hard to quit the "stinking thinking" voice that was attempting to intimidate me.

Finally I made it!! My first day, I was early (as usual), and my apprehension instantly eased when I discovered a familiar face who I'd met in CAB a while back. That first day was everything I'd hoped for and more. The immediate connection I felt to the 3 others who began that day (another beautiful friendly face from CAB), the seniors that were so accepting and helpful, and the 3 kick-ass facilitators blew me away. 

I knew that I was finally where I needed to be, and I was raring to get started!

(I wanted to share what's been working for me, and so I gave you some of my favorite info! I hope you find it helpful/useful. I hope that you feel inspired while you forge your own path, remembering that you are never alone)

(And don't worry, I'll have a ton more links to share with you as I go along!! The interesting stuff, the surprising, the helpful and useful, the funny...)

See you soon!! ;)

Change?! MY?! Addictive?! Behaviors?!

Last year at this time, I was beginning to see the validity in the suggestions I had been hearing from my team and others. I realized that, I had to fully focus on my healing and recovery, which I desperately needed to do; for myself, and for my daughter. Which meant that I had to stop homeschooling my girl. I finally, and reluctantly, decided to enroll her in school. I felt like I was giving up, as though I was weak because I couldn’t get it all under control. But, big surprise, I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN! (That was a hard one to accept! LOL) Amid the feelings of grief and loss that I had over this transition though, I also began to give up the twisted sense of control that I thought I had, and the many excuses that I was desperately clinging to.

With my daughter in school, I now had the time and opportunity to attend this CAB (Changing Addictive Behaviors) group the team had been encouraging me to try. I was beyond nervous, and my anxiety was through the roof again as I prepared myself to go.  Many irrational thoughts bounced around my mind, excuses and reasons as to why I shouldn’t and couldn't go. I mean seriously? Me? Attend a GROUP?! People? Strangers? Talking about my feelers? HOW was this going to be good for me?! I had many fears surrounding the stigmas held about Mental Health and Addictions, the people I might see, specifically and generally. I was also full of my own expected and perceived unreasonable judgments about others.

The group was small, consisting typically of 2 facilitators, and about 4 or 5 of us clients. I immediately felt comfortable with both of the facilitators, one a comically serious, chatterbox, and the other a down to earth, peaceful, wise mama figure. Despite the intimacy found in a smaller group, I felt very uncomfortable. Each session began with a brief check in, which I consistently glossed over, only sharing how I currently felt that morning, and occasionally suggesting a topic. I totally avoided acknowledging where I was in my “clean time”, because I didn’t have any; though I was certainly not alone in that. I typically showed up hungover. I began to have a sense of relief in the comfort of being among people who not only GOT my fucked up ways of being, they too HAD these thoughts, patterns, behaviors! I listened avidly, absorbing bits of the Smart Recovery tools that they shared, even taking a few worksheets home to "work on". Still, I shared very little about my own journey and struggles. I was too afraid, and fully immersed in shame and guilt. I felt like a fraud.

While I always felt a sense of peace and acceptance after attending CAB, I still easily, and readily succumbed to the many excuses I was able to create in order to NOT attend. The team continued to gently push and encourage me to go, but I still wasn’t ready to commit to myself, to dive into my healing and recovery.

I needed to get honest with MYSELF before I could begin to share my truth with anyone else.

The months grew darker, literally and internally, as we came in to November and December and the holiday season. My motivation lessened, the Rabbit Hole became a dangerous place of comfort, and there I set up camp, prepared for, and anticipating the warm blanket of numbness. 

I stopped going to CAB and fully immersed myself in dangerous behavior, depression and drunkenness.

Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.


It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

I Can Do It

I have been feeling like a child who sits in the backseat of a car; a little too small to see the entire world, windows rolled up, prevent me from hearing the world that goes on around me.

I know there is life out there, outside my door, beyond my yard. But I am restrained. That silver chain that tethers my physical self to the self that resides in spirit and energy is too tight, it keeps me close; too close to spread my wings, to allow my heart to soar, to allow me move forward. I try to speak and all that comes out is less than a whisper.

I go back to that child, and I open the car door. I let her out to explore, to feel and experience life. I watch her with pleasure and joy greater than I can contain. I feel the tears spill onto my cheeks, and they comfort me in that moment.

I see the light in her eyes. I hear her laughter and squeals of delight as she discovers the world that exists at her very fingertips. I feel the warmth that exudes from her tiny body.

I reach out for her and feel the chain loosen its grip on me.

I can do it…

2 Years Ago Tonight

It’s hard to believe that 2 years have passed by already…

2 years ago tonight, I lay alone in a hospital bed with my 2 day old baby girl beside me; we didn’t realize, and no one offered, that my husband could stay with us. Baby girl was having a little bit of a problem with phlegm, choking and not being able to breathe; in the end it was nothing serious, but as a new mom, I was terrified! Next to us, was a rather loud baby, mom and dad; this baby would NOT stop crying!! When it finally would fall asleep, mom and dad would continue to chat, not very quietly, especially considering the time of night that it was. Baby girl, as she continued to do for nearly a year, did not sleep very well either, being continuously awakened by the commotions behind the curtain. I was exhausted, nervous about being left alone with a newborn, and longed to me in the comfort of my own home, with my husband there by my side. I grew more and more anxious, and extremely irritable; I just wanted to take my baby and walk out of the hospital!!

Finally, after very little sleep, it was morning! I called home, excited to find out when hubby and mom would be coming to get us; not, of course, thinking of the time it would take the doctor to come around, or what the reaction to my legs would be. Unfortunately, by morning, my legs, ankles and feet had swollen up to a rather large and uncomfortable size. When the doctor finally came around to see us, several hours after I had anticipated, there was a great concern for what was going on with me; baby girl had been deemed healthy enough to go home. We had to wait even longer as I was being sent for an ultra-sound to clear the possibility of a blood clot.

At last, time for our new little family to go home! The concern with ladybugs choking etc., the insecurities, all soon disappeared; taken over by the routine of our new life with a baby, the natural and instinctive take-over that happens.

Now, we sit here, 2 years later. Baby girl is not so much a baby anymore. She’s now a toddler, a little girl; a child with a brilliant mind all her own. Independent and strong-willed, learning so many things so quickly, developing her personality, and discovering her very distinct “likes” and “dislikes”. Our beautiful, precious little girl…

Comfort, Learn or Teach...?

An old friend, someone who I have mostly lost contact with, but still care about a great deal, seems to be going through a difficult time.

Her statements on Facebook surprise me, and yet echo within. She is vague, but I can only assume that she is speaking of serious issues within her marriage. She received a lot of feedback; leaving her to delete the whole post, re-word and add that some people should keep their opinions to themselves.

This girl was a very close friend many years ago, and sadly, we lost touch for about 14 years. Although we have both expressed desire to see each other and reconnect, we haven’t. So, what I now know about her is formed from pictures and statements via Facebook, or assumed/deemed to be in my mind. That being said, my opinion literally would mean nothing.

Instead, I feel as though my fears were correct. I remember my friend, and the amazing person that she was. I remember her strength and courage, her humor and early wisdom. I also recall the similarities we had in our taste in men; and I know that means difficult days kept silent until you explode.

I think I know from what I see/read, without actually knowing, that she is that same woman today. I imagine, that as it was then, we are still very much the same in some of our hopes/dreams/expectations. I wish we were closer, and yet am afraid of pushing too hard. I sent her a private message, reminding her that I was here for her and hoped she was ok, but haven’t heard back. I feel inside myself that I should be there for her, that I have the silence as well as the empathy to comfort and guide her gently; in her own time and way of course. I don’t know why I feel compelled to be there for her now. She obviously needs her own space to sort out whatever it is that is happening in her life right now; and yet, I feel I have SOMETHING to offer her!?! As it was then, our similar experiences gave us something to relate to with each other; knowing someone else had truly walked that same road. Now, I know our paths since then have been VERY different, and yet, I sense that they have also been very similar.

I think that I may be starting to LOOK deeper into many “relationships” from my past lately. Necessary or not? If I feel the urge to pause and turn around for a moment, I can only assume that is on purpose; I am required to gain something that I missed in the past.

My Heart Breaks

I am a stay at home mom and literally spend all of my time with my daughter. Because I take this time with her, I know her little quirks, gestures, signs, words and attempts at words. While it is a constant learning process, for us both, for the most part I do understand her. I know that she is a little creature of habit, continuity and routine. I know that she likes things in their place, and can sometimes be distracted by something that is off. I know that after I read her “lullaby book” (in the dark!!), I must also read the description on the BACK of the book; after our goodnights, she has her special corner of her blanket in hand and is then covered, head to toe, by two other blankets. I know the little things that make my baby girl tick.

The other day it really hit me, these things I KNOW about my child.

I thought of the babies and children that are suddenly torn from their mothers, fathers or other “primary caregiver”. The complete devastation that must manifest inside these little beings as their world is ripped away from them in an instant. All of a sudden there is not ONE single person that understands their cry, their language or their routines. No one KNOWS them or understands who they are! They are, for whatever reason, taken away from the only truths, comforts and communication that they have ever known and been thrown into a foreign place. Their entire life, world and sense of self must obviously crumble before their innocent and uncomprehending little eyes.

It broke my heart as I thought of it then, and every day since. I see something on television, read something, or as I interact with my daughter, and I am taken back to this sad realization. Every day, there are so many little ones that have their lives torn apart!

It tears at my heart and makes me so grateful for the time I have with my baby girl. We are lucky, and I try to remind myself of that simple fact every day. I try to drink it all in, savor it and enjoy every minute, exactly as it is. I cannot imagine not having her in my life every day, and I can’t even fathom the confusion that would fill my little girls head if something were to take me away from her!

My heart goes out to those who have grown up to know these truths in the core of their souls, and to the precious other little ones that are right now facing this heartbreaking, life changing disturbance (? Understatement!) in their world.



I Smile Now-October 15th is Stillborn and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I walked for a time, my heart in your hands.

I dreamed of our time together and the love that would be.

I felt the warmth from your soul as it intertwined with my own.

I wept tears for us both when they said you would go.

I can see a sweet face that I know must be yours.

I smile now, as I know you are safe.

I posted this a few hours ago, and I have since remembered a newstory that I heard last month.

October 15th is Stillbirth and Infant Loss Awareness/Rememberance Day.

I cannot seem to find a link to the news piece that I watched now, and there are so very many other sites that come up when you do a search for the day. I wasn't sure which to choose; so I ended up picking the top two: Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stillbirth_Remembrance_Day because it gives alot of great information and  http://www.october15th.com/

My heart goes out...

"Going Without" Can Actually Be "Gaining So Much More"

There are those things that we are conditioned to see as “required” or “necessary”, but when taken away, we realize that we will be just fine, life will/must continue and perhaps a little harder work is needed.


Miraculously, in the eyes of my girlfriend, I can and do just fine “without” some of those things that others just would not live without. I have, of course, already learned that there is no sense fighting what IS (or isn’t if the case may be). Kicking, screaming and pouting will not bring about the “desired” result, so it is best to accept it and move forward; do what needs to be done. Maybe, luckily, there is a little of my creative side that comes out, survival mode of course, and I imagine some stubbornness (“I’m FINE, I can DO IT!!”).

I am certain that my husband, and surely plenty of others, would look at me like I may just be crazy, but I can and do see and accept the gifts that truly lie behind any and all struggles that we face. I can put a smile on my face KNOWING that our life will continue and we will get past whatever is before us.

I honestly don’t get caught up in fantasies of what could or should be, or what I would prefer to be happening in my life. Of course, at times, that can be a problem in itself; to simply take what comes with no action of my own to make a desired/needed change. But, I have the trust that leaves me comfortable in knowing that no matter how difficult, I am meant to be here and I will make it through to reach the next adventure in my life journey.

One of THOSE Days

Some days, while you know better, it is just EASIER to succumb to the gloomy feelings that surface. It feels comforting to be wrapped in the arms of the darkness. Allowing yourself to sink into the heaviness of the day and feel its weight upon your body feels RIGHT. Sometimes we just have to give in and BE with the gloominess.

I would suppose that there is something inside that wants to be heard and this is its way of calling out to you; something we need to learn, to remind ourselves or simply acknowledge for what it really is. But, it can sometimes be really heard to listen and watch for these signals; the glimpses of truth, when we are draped in the solace of our “grumpiness”.

Some days, giving into the embrace of a black mood is just what we need. It comes from within and is only asking for recognition. It is coming from some part of us that just NEEDS to be in that state of lower vibrations and slower energy.

In the desert I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, “Is it good, friend?”

“It is bitter-bitter,” he answered;

“But I like it

Because it is bitter

And because it is my heart.”

– Stephen Crane

Precious Babies

It is, and in some ways may always be, one of those things that we never talk about. There is always a sense of stigma attached to it. We are often left with an overwhelming sense of loneliness that cannot be filled; we don’t realize that we can and should talk about it.

Many of us, and more of us than we often realize, have suffered the traumatic loss of a baby. It is very sad that, as women, we not only have to go through the tremendous loss itself physically and emotionally, but we get left alone to deal with the emotions afterwards and we can be horrifically labeled for something we had absolutely no control over. In an effort to protect ourselves, we then have a tendency to shut down, disconnect from the loss and become numb to it. We don’t talk about it.

I lost 4 precious angels through Ectopic/Tubal Pregnancy. The first one completely blindsided me; I had no idea that I was pregnant. I was, again, having serious abdominal pain that led me to the doctor after work one night. A test confirmed I was pregnant, but, with no explanation at hand for the rest of my symptoms I was sent home for the evening to return for further testing. The next day became a whirlwind; gynecologists, rushing to the hospital, pain medications and of course the news; I would lose this baby. I was utterly devastated and felt truly alone. No one around me had experienced or could even imagine what I was going through. I was very young, in a new relationship and the only words of “comfort” I received were, “Well at least they got rid of it” from the mother of my boyfriend. With the next 2 Ectopic’s, I was ready. When the pain started, I KNEW what was happening. I would spend a few days in denial, not wanting to go through the experience again. I talked to the babies, I pleaded with them and I apologized for not being able to keep them. Other than that, I was almost numb. I had more people around me when I went through the 2nd and 3rd losses, but I was keeping myself guarded. None of the people that I was surrounded by KNEW what I was feeling inside. The last Ectopic that I had was in some ways the worst to go through. My husband and I had talked about wanting to have a child together. It was something I had wanted so BADLY to happen in my life, though I had resigned myself in many ways to believing I wouldn’t be able to. This time the tornado that swept me away was much more violent. I was in my state of denial again; the feelings were all too familiar. I was at work when I began to shake, feel dizzy, turn white and of course was in severe abdominal pain. The girls finally convinced me to at least call the Health Link to speak with a nurse who insisted I be taken to the hospital immediately. By the time my husband arrived and the news was given, I was higher than a kite on morphine for the pain. This was when they decided to also insist on removing both of my tubes to prevent this from happening again. I wanted to refuse so badly, and at first I did. The pressure and the relaxing/sleepy effects of the drugs allowed me to concede. When I woke up from surgery, I no longer had a baby or the parts required for my body to conceive another. I felt more empty than I ever had before. This time, even though I had many supportive and loving people around me, I was an emotional mess. I was finally grieving for my first three angels as well as the fourth. I was grieving the loss of pieces of my body. This time I was also bothered by the fact that NOT ONCE when I went through this process was I offered any type of guidance or support while in the hospital. Aside from nurses comments, “Wow, this is your 4th, you’re so young…”, no one even came close to saying “This is an extremely difficult thing to go through, I am so sorry. Here are some groups/numbers etc. that can help you deal with what you must be feeling.” I felt that I NEEDED that, so I looked on-line and found a few chat places, message boards, nurses etc. that were specifically for dealing with the emotions and aftermath of an Ectopic Pregnancy. It was something I really had to do for myself, I couldn’t bury the feelings and devastation any more. I had to learn to cope, grieve and try to move forward.

The amazing sense of peace that I found in actually letting it out is something that is hard to find words to fully express. Talking to someone, in person, professionally, in an on-line chat/message board, a group etc. can give the comfort that we desperately search for. I know I thought that I would and could accept, mourn and move forward, but I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own. When I realized that there are so many other wonderful women that have gone through what I had, that have walked the same step, I felt a warm sense of comfort and belonging come over me. While I could never say that I have “gotten over it”, I have come to a better sense of terms with it. It is sometimes easy to become overcome with emotions about it still, but I can accept it a little more. And it always helps to remember that I am NOT ALONE.

I have shared these few details with only a small number of people in my life. Most people know the facts, it happened, it happened 4 times, but I haven’t shared the feelings with many. I think it may even be the first time that I wrote it out like this. It is soothing to write these words. I hope that at least one of you who reads this can identify even a little, and maybe feel just a little less alone in your pain and grief.

I Love you my precious babies…