Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.


It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

Nurturing the Inside

It is a cool day today, grey and drizzly; certainly not what I would typically define as one of my favorite kind of days. Yet, days ago as I discovered what was coming on the weather forecast, I realized I was looking forward to a couple of days inside. I felt a desire to be in, where I could tend to the inside parts of my home, the pieces that are needed to perform daily rituals; the bits that had been stretched and ignored in the midst of gorgeous, sunshine filled, warm days. I was oddly excited to be stuck inside!

My morning began slowly, and I found the energy I planned to exhaust with cleaning and sorting to be non-existent from the get go. I pushed through, and slowly managed to get to the places that needed attention. Among the usual chores of dishes, floors, kitchen etc, I had many extras that I needed to deal with. I had yet to straighten out Makiya’s playroom from Grandma’s recent visit, bedding, toys out of place, new pieces to fit in, and I got to that. I had a closet overflowing with new crafting supplies and learning tools, I got to it, better organized, but no less full! Hubby was stuck home today as well, so I was able to enlist his help to get the new sling bookshelf that Grandma bought completed for Makiya’s plentitude of books! I would like to have gotten more done, but it was nice to have hubby home to help occupy baby girl while I got to the things that would have been difficult and time consuming had she been on my heels.

While I have a ways to go yet in getting this “Fall Preparation” done, all in all, it was a good day.

I sit here now, feeling relaxed enough to sit down and find my words; another “inside part” that needed some nurturing. It has been a long summer in many ways, and I found that I often, almost intentionally, denied myself even a moment to write. I almost refused those parts of my mind to awaken. Perhaps because the many things that have made not only the summer, but this past year, long, are places I wasn’t ready to travel to, fully, inside of myself.

Today, however, the spark has been re-ignited; I hope in many ways.

Entranced

The sun shone brightly and the ground was fresh after a light sprinkling of rain. My hands trembled as we pulled into the parking lot. Suddenly, I was blanketed in silence and my eyes saw nothing but the man standing a few yards away. His freshly cut hair, his crisp suit and hands clasped together before him; I could feel the amazing energy that he was projecting, and it quickly joined with my own. Our eyes met from a distance and I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling up.


I carefully dabbed the tears away, drew in a deep, calming breath and smiled; I was more than ready. I had no lingering questions or doubts; I KNEW what I was about to do and wanted it with my entire heart and soul.

As if proceeding through a fading dream sequence, I began to walk the path towards this man. It was as though everyone was standing in the beautiful mist before a waterfall; I could see faces for a brief moment and then they were gone, a new person before me. I heard voices that seemed to be off in a faraway place; and the music that softly began as I walked by, quickly joined that distant, soft, white noise. I glanced around at the people I knew were there, hoping they couldn’t see that I was entranced and only floating by them.

Our eyes met again, and for an instant I struggled to keep it all inside. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken as I noticed the wet path of tears down his cheeks. Our smiles reached out and become a part of each others in that moment; just as our hearts and lives were about to be forever connected.

I stared at the man, who in just a short time would become my Husband, and I felt peace and pure joy. He took my hands and it was all that we could do to keep ourselves from diving into the others arms and closing our eyes; locked in our own private world. Together, we released the moment in a gentle burst of laughter and quiet words…

The minister began, “We are joined here together today…”

My Summer at the Horse Races

I was 16 the summer my girlfriend had gotten me a job with her on weekends at the horse track. I, of course, was nervous; the only job I ever had, and still held then, was at a library. Very peaceful, not much in the way of interaction with the patrons, and if there was, I KNEW where to find the book, and it was quite simple to scan a library card and the spine of a book! Now I had to learn the difference between a trifecta, a boxed bet, an exacta and others!

I was a runner, getting whatever was needed for other workers, snacks, drinks, lunch… I was taking bets. It was so exciting then; getting the big bills for large bets, paying out great amounts and receiving tips! I remember the heat, of course being in Kamloops that was to be expected, but being in that building; running back and forth, the energy in the air from anticipation and excitement. It has stayed with me all of these years later.

We would get dropped off after work at the apartment that our boyfriends shared. The basement suite was at least a little cooler than where we had come from. We would enjoy a cold bottle of beer and take turns using their shower. I can feel the dust that covered me; it slipped into every imaginable place on my body, like an extra skin, and it left my hair feeling thicker, but stiff. I can still smell the Outrageous shampoo that I used to wash it clean. I remember coming out of that bathroom feeling invigorated.

Walking with Makiya

It’s been awhile since I wrote about baby girl. Makiya is now 20 months, and I can’t even believe it! She is just an amazing little creature, and it makes my heart swell as I watch her grow. She is so very smart, sweet and funny!

While of course I know EACH and EVERY parent at some point has the opinion that THEIR child is of course the next Albert Einstein, or whomever, I am not alone in this view of my own daughter! We are constantly hearing voices of surprise at the things she has learned. Makiya surprises US sometimes, showing us something that seems to have come out of thin air! She has somehow associated ear wax with bees, so if I mention that she has some wax in her ear, she will start to buzz like a bee!

She has the most tender of hearts. While it has (and still can be!) been a bit of a process with teaching her to show compassion instead of laughing when someone cries, we witnessed her run to her crying cousin to give her a hug! If she thinks I am upset or angry, she looks at me with those big eyes, and asks “appee?”

A sense of humour. This child absolutely has one! She KNOWS funny. She shows us a funny face, she knows what IS funny. She understands lines in her books, “he drives me crazy” (part of a line from I’ll Love You Forever-Robert Munsch) makes her give a little laugh! She plays these little games with us that reduce her to that absolutely adorable belly laugh. Makiya loves to squeeze her eyes shut as tight as she can, and she will perform; be it “jumping”, walking backwards, pretending to not listen to instructions, etc. You can see, she honestly thinks she is hilarious!

It was like she heard me speak as she slept a few nights ago. Dad and I were talking about how, still, she just has no real interest in any of her 5 baby dolls. Makiya is certainly more of a book, puzzle, animal and nature, outdoorsy, getting dirty playing kind of girl. The very next day, she took to one of her “bee-bees” (she CAN say baby, she just doesn’t!)!! It is very rapidly growing into a new favorite. She keeps a big plastic cup, a spoon, 2 bowls and her green, plastic grapes on hand (in addition to her tea set with cake), and is constantly stirring and feeding her little “beebee”. She picks that doll up, puts it on her shoulder and pats its back, she holds it in her arms and caresses its little baby face. We emptied one of her little toy baskets so she could use it for a crib for the baby. She so carefully covers up the baby, pats her and says “bu-aye”!

I could be wrong, but I am convinced that we missed our golden opportunity for potty training with Makiya. She was telling us when she was going “tinkle” and we could always tell when that morning “poo poo” was coming! Between Summertime fun and company, I knew it was time to get on it, but time got away from me. A while back we got the potty, intending to get on with the plan, but we didn’t get the rest of the supplies. She would move her new potty around, sit on it, say “tinko, tinko” and even insists on having the wipes to wipe her still clothed bottom! Last Monday was the BIG day. Training pants, big girl panties, bare bum and a potty she liked… Well, let me say that she peed on our floor more times that day than I regularly change her diapers! It was unbelievable! I was on top of it, asking her if it was time, telling her it was time to sit on the potty, and all I got was SCREAMS, running and 5 minutes later when my back was turned, no warning, no telling, PEE ON THE FLOOR!! (I was lucky enough that morning to have it timed right, and she was in training pants for Number 2!!) After 2 days of that, we switched, temporarily, to training pants only. She just has no interest anymore!

A couple of other tidbits for this week:

-I realize NOW, that this one came from me, but, she will now answer to instructions with “Uh…No.”

-eating vegetable soup on her own like a BIG girl…oh so very adorable…she takes a bite, “aaahhh”!!

- we were going through her Flash Cards, she started mimicking the one with a boy on it pointing right! She uses her right hand, gets into her silly walk and points her way through the house!

- I had turned Oprah’s Season Opener on Monday, it only took a few minutes and Makiya is now saying “Opah”!

-She is beginning to want to sit in the dining chairs instead of her high chair! It was only a short time ago she began to show us that she can now climb into her own high chair!

She shows us so many new little things each and every day. If all of that wasn’t enough; the precious look of pride and joy on her face when she gets something new, she beams, claps her hands and says “I di-ih”!

What an incredible journey that I get to walk everyday!

I Remember The Days

There were fires that burned so bright, we wore our sunglasses in the night.
The skies lit up with an amazing orange glow, bouncing off the trees and warming the ground below.
All of us different, and yet so much the same...
The smoke circled so thickly as it slipped through the fibers of our clothing, into the fibers of our souls...
Dust crept from head to toe, so fine you could feel it in your nose and taste it with each breath in.
There was music that echoed loudly, often different sounds coming boldly from each corner.
The roar in the background that sliced through the night..a raging river, a 4x4 truck, a muddy quad, a water clogged dirtbike?
Laughter and chatter, hollers and rantings...
An energy so intense and exhilirating, the vibrations moved quickly through each of us...
Soaking in and taking hold...

Forever a part of me.

Those Smells

It's funny the way a smell can totally transport you to another time, another place.

Sometimes you are in the physical presence of the object that is emitting the aroma, and
then there are times when it seems to come from thin air.
Like it's been hidden inside of you and is suddenly  released.
It overwhelms your senses, making you see things and feel things and taste things and of course, smell that wonderful something!
The memories that waft into you with each breath you take...
It can be such a wonderful reminder.

Today, I cannot stop thinking of this lotion that I got about 4 years ago.
 My boss had brought it back from one of her trips to Costa Rica. It was the most delicious, fresh, vibrant and wonderful smelling stuff I have ever had! It smelled of tropical flowers, summer sunshine, the beach and all those beautiful things! The lotion itself was pretty good too, but it was that smell that captured me. It took me to my "special place" when I opened that little container! Sometimes, that is what I did, open it up just to take in that scent. I even kept it around for a long time, until finally there was nothing left when I opened it up, no more sweet reminders...

I can still smell that wonderful scent, and it always refreshes me. Every time I think of my tropical dream, I become bathed in the smell of that lotion.

Such an amazing thing, our sense of smell. What an enormous power it really does have!

Today is the day

I am a huge believer in the laws of attraction, "The Secret" and all the things authors like Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and Eckhart Tolle discuss. Reading their books and working through the  lessons that they share excites me and awakens that spark inside of me. I  tried hard to really start living by these messages and truths.

Suddenly all the good that seemed to be blossoming around me vanished, and aside from some BIG wonderful things (like my beautiful daughter!) happening, life took a tremendous swoop into a downward spiral. I have come to describe it as a massive black cloud that will not lift. This darkness came about 2 years ago, and progressively got darker. For a long time I persisted with my beliefs and remained positive as often as I could. I wouldn't allow myself to get pulled into the whirlwind, and somehow managed for the most part to stay just above it. My feet dangled just low enough to feel the winds, but it wasn't strong enough to drag me inside.

Lately, that power has abandoned me completely. It has left me at the bottom of this chaos, lights out, walls up. I haven't been able to connect with that light, the energy, the trust and belief. In the back of my mind is this little voice that whispers to me, calling me back.  I need to release myself again to its power. I long for it, I dream of it, and yet I cannot seem to release myself and allow it to happen.

I know I have to shift my mindset. Stop that internal madness and just let go. I need to allow my purpose to find me again. This has all been exactly where I needed to be, these are the feelings I have needed to feel and it was all meant to be. It was all meant to take me to the next chapter, the next journey, the next set of challenges that are waiting to begin.

I can feel the warmth, see the sunshine, taste and smell the beauty in all that is to surround me. I know that I will get there, and it will all be just as I have imagined and dreamed it to be. Every single day is a step closer. Every day is a doorway that opens to the possibilities that are. Each new day could be the day that it happens.

Today is THE day.