Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.


It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

Nurturing the Inside

It is a cool day today, grey and drizzly; certainly not what I would typically define as one of my favorite kind of days. Yet, days ago as I discovered what was coming on the weather forecast, I realized I was looking forward to a couple of days inside. I felt a desire to be in, where I could tend to the inside parts of my home, the pieces that are needed to perform daily rituals; the bits that had been stretched and ignored in the midst of gorgeous, sunshine filled, warm days. I was oddly excited to be stuck inside!

My morning began slowly, and I found the energy I planned to exhaust with cleaning and sorting to be non-existent from the get go. I pushed through, and slowly managed to get to the places that needed attention. Among the usual chores of dishes, floors, kitchen etc, I had many extras that I needed to deal with. I had yet to straighten out Makiya’s playroom from Grandma’s recent visit, bedding, toys out of place, new pieces to fit in, and I got to that. I had a closet overflowing with new crafting supplies and learning tools, I got to it, better organized, but no less full! Hubby was stuck home today as well, so I was able to enlist his help to get the new sling bookshelf that Grandma bought completed for Makiya’s plentitude of books! I would like to have gotten more done, but it was nice to have hubby home to help occupy baby girl while I got to the things that would have been difficult and time consuming had she been on my heels.

While I have a ways to go yet in getting this “Fall Preparation” done, all in all, it was a good day.

I sit here now, feeling relaxed enough to sit down and find my words; another “inside part” that needed some nurturing. It has been a long summer in many ways, and I found that I often, almost intentionally, denied myself even a moment to write. I almost refused those parts of my mind to awaken. Perhaps because the many things that have made not only the summer, but this past year, long, are places I wasn’t ready to travel to, fully, inside of myself.

Today, however, the spark has been re-ignited; I hope in many ways.