Scheduling Balance to Create a Balanced Schedule

For quite some time, I have been listing "create routine in my life" as a goal, and for quite some time, I have been working on making that happen. My healing and recovery journey has me destroying old scripts, so that I can create a new and healthy flow; it takes time and effort to unravel a lifetime of chaos.

I have learned more about making SMART (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-Bound) goals. I have been absorbing all that I can take in surrounding changing unhealthy behaviors and patterns, how the brain works, it's ability to make repairs, and how we can assist in and strengthen that process. I have learned about the repetition that is required, and the time in which it takes for a changed behavior, belief, or a thought to become wired into our brain fully, which is said to be roughly 21 days (although it really takes a little longer). I have also begun to fully understand the importance of having BALANCE in life.

I now understand that routine and scheduling will CREATE the balance that I, we, need in life.

In order for me to FEEL balanced in all aspects of my life, I must plan ahead so that I can fully immerse myself in completing the things required of me. For me to feel whole, there are things I believe(d) that I must include daily, on a personal and self-care level. But, as there are only so many hours in a day (and you cannot function with four hours of sleep nightly, attempting to fit it all into each day, as I recently discovered!), I have come to the realization that if I get serious about identifying and becoming clear about the why and what the benefits that I SEE and FEEL are when I accomplish these "must do" things, I will then feel compelled to MAKE them routine. Despite how I anticipate, or actually am feeling in the moment, I am making a great effort to no longer allow excuses, and I am really working hard to hold myself accountable in my intentions, goals, and actions. 

My current focus and goals revolve around work/school, being a mom, my healing and recovery journey, those things that I am passionate about doing, that fill me with joy and light, which have now grown to include loving myself. Self-care has FINALLY come into my awareness, and the many ways TO take care of me.

Prioritizing balance, by creating routine and schedules that ARE balanced, is the path that will enable me to reach my goal, and get the most out of this crazy and fluid thing we call life.

Vulnerability, Values, and "Insidious"

To say that it has been a long week, is, well, FEELS redundant.

There have definitely been some "themes" that have been arising around me, calling for my attention, and so I have been doing a ton of writing, pondering, thinking, questioning, digging, deleting, letting go, forgiving, surrendering; a lot of work happening during this personal renovation!!

Here's a snippet of some thoughts I had on Vulnerability:

"Tonight, as I wound down, I found myself coming back to “vulnerability”, and I felt compelled to watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability (which I absolutely LOVE, and I urge you to watch!!). I have now seen it several times, but with this increasing clarity and awareness I've got going on, I felt it resonate even deeper this time. I admire her wisdom, sense of compassion, and her strength. Her message is valuable, if not life-saving.

 

I am beginning to see how my lack of vulnerability has been the block in my moving forward, in anything, throughout my entire life. I have rarely, if ever, fully allowed myself to be vulnerable, in any relationship or situation. Fear of the ramifications to be found in "exposing" myself were felt too scary. Fear of the unknown. Fear of myself. Fear of others. Fear of judgment. Fear of failure; real or perceived. 

I didn't know how to be authentic, and really, that's probably because I myself have never known the "real me"."

The things I value in life is another area where I am learning, growing, and "getting it":

"Last night at Smart Recovery, we had our first closed group (smaller, more efficient and effective), and we are starting at the beginning! Point 1 – Building and Maintaining Motivation, which introduces the tool Hierarchy of Values (HOV). Many of us have made these kind of lists throughout our lives, and I'm sure some of you can appreciate how difficult they can sometimes be to do!! I have never enjoyed making them myself, and had a very hard time with it. In this past year, I've done SEVERAL different worksheets, and HOV's, and while they have gotten easier, it has typically still been a source of discomfort.

This time was different!

For the first time in my life, I joyfully realized, my list was EASY to compile, AND prioritize. On top of that, I proudly WANTED to identify MYSELF as something (of) I value. (The facilitators were also blown away, because in their experience thus far, I was the first person to think of including myself as a value while doing an HOV!) My perceptions and beliefs about myself have been growing substantially stronger in the face of different events recently, and I am truly beginning to allow myself to recognize and honor those things that are important to me, and in me. I am finally allowing myself to recognize how valuable, precious, and amazing I am!

This healing and recovery journey of mine, as I refer to it, has definitely been at the top of the list in recent months, but I had to re-examine where my "addiction’s” ranked on my list of values. It’s a struggle to accept that one as even belonging on my list of values, as I (anyone) don’t WANT to give any sense of significance or power to this negative monster in my life, and am working at moving past it. But, I/we have to realize and accept that, every time we CHOOSE our "addiction"(behavior, DOC, thinking, etc.), by default, we ARE choosing it, making it a top priority, over anything and everything else that is most important to us."

I had a lot of productivity, growth and progress, AH HA!! moments, curiosities and discoveries going on, and I enrolled to complete my Grade 12 English; which it turns out is now the only thing between me and my Adult Dogwood!! I also turned 40. (!!) So, yes, the week has been draining, in all the right ways. 

Underlying all of this good stuff though, I have felt a current of something dark flowing.

Which brings me to give you a brief introduction to my "Inner Demon", and the end of this post.

Insidious.

Back around February, I was working with my daughters counselor; she was DEFINITELY an amazing member of The Team. During one of our typical, empowering, and creative sessions, she prompted me to think about that mean and nasty inner voice, my inner demon; to identify it with detail, and give it a name. She opened the doors to shelves full of art supplies, and left me to create a representation. I immediately went to work, furiously forming various colors of clay, producing something dark, ugly and menacing. As we discussed this, thing, and I thought, described, and reviewed my negative thoughts and behaviors, the word “insidious” kept coming to me.

 And so became the name of the monster within; Insidious.

While in Day Program, one day we were given a stack of assorted coloring pages, from which we were instructed to choose one that represented our personal villain(s), demons, addictions; color it and name it. I had begun work on this guy already, Insidious, and so I knew exactly what I felt he looked like, and instantly found his picture.

(His appearance, paired with my description of him, and imitation of his voice and demeanor, seriously triggered some of my “group peeps”; he is insanely creepy, scary, and has a strangely strong sense of familiarity to others)

My apologies for the scary guy as an end, or start, to your day!!

Don't worry!! I have his number, his jig is up!!

Q-Tips, Expectations and Letting Go

This morning I came across, yet another of Jay Shetty’s inspiring video’s, -If You’ve Been Rejected

and it truly provoked an abundance of curiosity and thought surrounding the topic throughout the day. I thought about how it related to work (or job search), relationships, our negative behaviors or our “stinking thinking”, among many other areas… I thought about how we have a tendency, in the face of “rejection”, to cling desperately to the, wait for it…. EXPECTATION, the vision we created, the story that we made up and told ourselves. We are EXPECTING the job interview, or relationship, or whatever it is, to go our way, to fit into our “plan”, and when it doesn’t, we crumble.

We then allow our minds to become clouded, and we become paralyzed by a perceived sense of failure.

We forget that familiar adage about one door closing, and another opening. It also applies to that gate that just won’t budge, no matter how hard we push; it won’t open because it just isn’t our path. But, we take the rejection personally, like a slap in the face.

(Upon graduation from the Day Program, in our "safety/reminder kit", they added a Q-Tip as a visual reminder to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!!)

The rejection isn’t about us and it absolutely does not define us. If we can learn to let go, of the perceived internal and external EXPECTATIONS, it will genuinely free us.

Here are some more tidbits that presented themselves to me, and resonated with me today… Jay Shetty as he speaks, wisely, in his video, Learn to Let Go, and Jill Sherer Murray shares her story about the freedom and growth she found in letting go, in her TEDx Wilmington Women talk, The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go.

There were parts of today's daily meditation found in Melody Beattie's book The Language of Letting Go that also spoke to me:

October 3, 2018 Getting Through the Discomfort

“Surrender to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It’s there and more is on the way.” – from Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie

“Our goal in recovery is to make ourselves feel comfortable, peaceful, content. Happy. We want to be at peace with ourselves and our environment. Sometimes, to do that, we need to be willing to face, feel, and get through discomfort.”

“When we do the kind of work we are facing in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves. We’re removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed.

Sometimes the process hurts.”

I found this poem in A Sin Such as This by Ellen Hopkins quite powerful:

“Why Look for Meaning

In little things:

The murmur of a sparrow’s

Wings, questions

Asked of wind and seed

Lost in autumn grass;

The stubborn reach

Of surf, intent on whittling

Beach and arranging

Curls of seaweed

On driftwood statuary;

The copper scent

Of rain on prairies shoulders,

Bent by drought,

Slivers of creation, wet

In shallow reflection.

Why look for meaning

In little things

When monoliths stand

Square in your way

Area easier, by far,

To topple?”

And, lastly (because I found it empowering, and the book is just damn good, start to finish!!):

“Women must maneuver this world thoughtfully. Look pretty. Act sexy. Be a good mommy, a hell-raiser in bed. But don’t dare demand your place at the table. And should be offered a seat, expect less money and an uninvited hand up your skirt, and be grateful you were invited at all. It is heartening to see women step up, push forward, gather momentum, and earn the respect they so deserve. And we must honor those who paved the way-women like my mother who survived neglect, abuse, poverty, and war, and emerged kind, creative, and full of heart. Thank you, Mama, for gifting me with words, faith, and abundant love. I miss you every day.” 

Acknowledgements written by Ellen Hopkins in A Sin Such As This.

Change?! MY?! Addictive?! Behaviors?!

Last year at this time, I was beginning to see the validity in the suggestions I had been hearing from my team and others. I realized that, I had to fully focus on my healing and recovery, which I desperately needed to do; for myself, and for my daughter. Which meant that I had to stop homeschooling my girl. I finally, and reluctantly, decided to enroll her in school. I felt like I was giving up, as though I was weak because I couldn’t get it all under control. But, big surprise, I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN! (That was a hard one to accept! LOL) Amid the feelings of grief and loss that I had over this transition though, I also began to give up the twisted sense of control that I thought I had, and the many excuses that I was desperately clinging to.

With my daughter in school, I now had the time and opportunity to attend this CAB (Changing Addictive Behaviors) group the team had been encouraging me to try. I was beyond nervous, and my anxiety was through the roof again as I prepared myself to go.  Many irrational thoughts bounced around my mind, excuses and reasons as to why I shouldn’t and couldn't go. I mean seriously? Me? Attend a GROUP?! People? Strangers? Talking about my feelers? HOW was this going to be good for me?! I had many fears surrounding the stigmas held about Mental Health and Addictions, the people I might see, specifically and generally. I was also full of my own expected and perceived unreasonable judgments about others.

The group was small, consisting typically of 2 facilitators, and about 4 or 5 of us clients. I immediately felt comfortable with both of the facilitators, one a comically serious, chatterbox, and the other a down to earth, peaceful, wise mama figure. Despite the intimacy found in a smaller group, I felt very uncomfortable. Each session began with a brief check in, which I consistently glossed over, only sharing how I currently felt that morning, and occasionally suggesting a topic. I totally avoided acknowledging where I was in my “clean time”, because I didn’t have any; though I was certainly not alone in that. I typically showed up hungover. I began to have a sense of relief in the comfort of being among people who not only GOT my fucked up ways of being, they too HAD these thoughts, patterns, behaviors! I listened avidly, absorbing bits of the Smart Recovery tools that they shared, even taking a few worksheets home to "work on". Still, I shared very little about my own journey and struggles. I was too afraid, and fully immersed in shame and guilt. I felt like a fraud.

While I always felt a sense of peace and acceptance after attending CAB, I still easily, and readily succumbed to the many excuses I was able to create in order to NOT attend. The team continued to gently push and encourage me to go, but I still wasn’t ready to commit to myself, to dive into my healing and recovery.

I needed to get honest with MYSELF before I could begin to share my truth with anyone else.

The months grew darker, literally and internally, as we came in to November and December and the holiday season. My motivation lessened, the Rabbit Hole became a dangerous place of comfort, and there I set up camp, prepared for, and anticipating the warm blanket of numbness. 

I stopped going to CAB and fully immersed myself in dangerous behavior, depression and drunkenness.

Always Grateful for My Journey

To say it has been a long time since I sat down to write would be an understatement. To say everything has been normal, and okay during this time would be a lie.

The year had already gotten off to a difficult start, so when the opportunity came to go to my niece’s wedding in BC, it was a welcome change of pace that was well looked forward to. We would be seeing family that we hadn’t seen in years, most of whom had yet to meet Makiya, a great-nephew and great-niece that I hadn't seen since birth and the other just a baby, and two great-nieces that I hadn’t yet met; I was excited to see and have some fun with them all.

The wedding was beautiful, I cried, baby girl danced her heart out, and the time we shared with family was wonderful; it was so great to see Makiya play with her second cousins and have so much fun. The end of the weekend came, and as we are the “on a whim” type of couple/family, we decided to head off to visit with more family, and joined the entourage on a road trip.

What ended up happening changed our lives.

I’ve spoken often of transition and change, forward motion, movement… This was like nothing I expected. All hopes, dreams, wishes, future thoughts, all came crashing down upon me at once. I don’t mean that in a negative way at all, ever since I was a kid, I just knew, and said often, “be careful what you wish for, you WILL get it, you just never know WHEN.”

It was hard to see it all at the time, there was so much to be afraid of, worried and concerned about, and as it happens in these situations, time just seems to disintegrate before you, becoming more and more of an illusion than a reality.

Slowly, after it was accepted that MAJOR change was happening in our lives, I realized that things were, as they do, happening for a reason. As difficult as it was, I said “OK!”, and hung on, trusting in my journey.

I had fun, real fun, for the first time since my baby girl was born, ( a different kind of fun than that which comes with being "Mommy"; I got to be myself in other ways) maybe longer, and met some AMAZING new friends, but at the same time, I began to lose precious time and opportunity with my girl; heart breaking, heart wrenching, and partially unavoidable. Routines were unavoidably disrupted, dismantled really, and that may not necessarily have been a bad thing in all areas, but I do have my work cut out for me in getting things back under some sort of control.

As I come out from beneath part of the fog, I can appreciate certain things for what they have been, necessary pieces of my journey. I still struggle with parts of it all, but I know that I have to go back to the trust, the knowledge, that it is all unfolding exactly as it should, perfectly on time.

There is a reason for everything, lessons to be learned and shared.

I am excited, grateful, and thankful for it all.

Quit Waiting - Just Do It!

Have you ever spent time waiting for the “right time”, or thinking, “if it is meant to be, then it will be”?

I know I have. Truthfully, I realize that I have lost a lot of time lingering in this place of waiting.

There is never a “right time”, as perfectly formed as it exists within the mind’s eye. And, for something to BE, that would involve putting forth the effort to make it so.

One could spend their entire life waiting on one flawless moment, or for the timing to be ideal for another person, and ultimately never accomplish the things they hope and dream to.

If it is the right thing for you, then the time is NOW.

Everything else will fall into place exactly as it should.

Life will absorb the rest; the people, the circumstances, the money, the time, it will all respond as is intended.

If there is something you want, go out there and get it!

The time will never be more perfect than it is now.

A Long Overdue Thank You

For the past couple of years I have been allowing myself to feel angry with someone who had previously meant the world to me.

 I was angry because I felt that she had changed, and as my feelings grew a little stronger, I also suddenly had open ears for whatever anyone else had to negatively say about her. I allowed myself to become stuck in a place of anger, distaste and regret, when it came to her.

Something I heard the other day stuck out, like a message kind of hitting me over the head, and it told me it was time to really look at this situation, and clearly.

Whatever happened in her life, before or after our special time, is of no matter. Most importantly, it is of no matter to what our relationship meant to me.

What IS important was the role that she played in my life back then, what she was able to give me and show me about myself. The closeness that we shared gave me so much; taught me, allowed me to be me, and gave me warmth and comfort when I most needed it. She was the one I ran to, escaped to, when my world felt like it was crashing down around me. She was, what I felt at the time, the sole provider of unconditional love and support in my life.

It comes down to that whole thing about judging other people, and who am I to do that to her after all she offered to me?

As I have pondered this over the past few days, it has made me feel a little ashamed, and sad. While I may not have been the one to “change” our relationship, neither was she really. She grew and I grew, we just happened to grow apart; sad as that is.

I miss the closeness that we shared, the ability to openly and freely express exactly how I was feeling, the fun that we had together.

But, perhaps, the teacher’s job was done. The time that was needed between us passed, she was needed elsewhere, and I had to move forward in my own life of learning and teaching others.

Instead of grieving what had felt like and seemed to have been lost, instead of feeling angry and betrayed, I should have simply celebrated the role that she played in my young life. I should have been remembering to keep gratitude in my heart for all that she gave to me.

And so, for now, while I likely won’t be able to bring myself to actually say all of this to her directly, I still want to acknowledge it, say it aloud, put it out there, back into the universe and all of our energies…

Thank you. Thank you for being that special person in my life, the lifeline that, truly, kept me alive. Thank you for being understanding, non-judgemental, and, loving. Thank you for being there when nobody else seemed to think I was worth it. Thank you for believing in me, when no one else seemed able to. Thank you for letting me be who I needed to be then, for it has made me who I am today. Thank you. And, I love you.

Finally Accepting the Truth

A realization that I was allowing shame to control me has also grown to include the fact that I am not as honest as I like to believe, not with myself, let alone anyone else. While I tried to ignore comments pointing out strength in character and voice that had all but disappeared, I’ve now accepted that they were right about that all along as well. I became that familiar old “wall flower” again because I was tired of lying to hide the shame that I felt.

These are hard things to acknowledge about oneself, looking in the mirror, finally listening to that voice and knowing that you fucked up.

Though I have spent the past few years fighting with all of my might to stay on top of this all, to bury it, to run from it and pretend it wasn’t so, or that it would magically change, I am now forced to look at it for what it is and to see what damage I have allowed to begin growing roots in all the wrong places. Most importantly, above anything else, I now cannot deny that I am breaking and it is affecting Makiya.

The things that I need to do, say and become have brought me to a familiar point, one that screams out at me to get busy. Once, many years ago, I reached the same point, and was forced to ask myself the question, “Never mind five or ten years, never mind next year or next month, I do not want to wake up TOMORROW feeling/living like this again.”, of course, the answer being no, the very next morning I found my voice and made a permanent change. While the place that I find myself now is much different than that moment, that question is getting louder in my ear again.

It’s funny, I know that I am not stupid or weak, I know that I am strong, courageous and smart, and that when I allow it in myself, I can also be very determined and accomplish whatever I desire. Yet, here I sit, in a position that I allowed myself to slide into, struggling to find a way to make it all right again.

As always, I do know that I WILL find my way through this, just as I am meant to, when I am meant to, but I think that for a time, the “flow” may need a little more self direction.

Next, A Trip Through Shame

Shame - noun

1.     1.  the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.

I have recently had some deep, thought provoking, revealing conversations with a few wonderful women, ones that I am thankful to have in my life. 

I interacted with these women in, what seems to me, the sequence required, the time for me to awaken and open up enough to receive the wisdom they were going to share. The first came at the EXACT moment of “impact”, the time when everything came to a breaking point for me, slamming into the second interaction, when I was simmering, stewing away in my realizations. The third was as the calm began to take over, I had reached a point where light was beginning to shine through again and my breathing was finally slowing to a manageable pace. It was then that it hit me, and hard.

What began from feelings brought up when I took Makiya to her first Music Class, progressed into a struggle to write out my emotions, which then also became something much more. A perceived difference between people, women, mothers, and a worry about being judged for past mistakes, became the catalyst for a much bigger discovery within myself; like it or not.

I had been thinking back over my life, looking at, digging through and trying to understand the giant leaps I have taken back and forth; between being a social butterfly and something more resembling the caterpillar, tucked away safe and warm while awaiting its transformation. I was trying to decipher whether I was in one of those states as a response TO my surroundings and circumstances, or was I dictating the surroundings and circumstances by CHOOSING to be in that state. What I began to realize was, at least in that moment, that I was being the caterpillar in response to circumstances and situations I had lived, in the PAST. I began to accept and admit to this to myself as I acknowledged it to be a truth about who I have become.

I brought up this realization in conversation with one of these women, who was quick to point out how damaging “shame” could be. I hadn’t thought, yet, to put “shame” into the equation, I hadn’t put my finger on it as the force that it really was, and yet as strongly as I began to feel this addition to my truth, I still hadn’t really gotten the complete picture.

A few weeks later, I was chatting with a friend, who has been discovering some hard self-truths of her own for some time. We spoke of ignoring signs and/or clues that sit boldly before us, the ones that are finally “noticed” later on, of being tired of pretending and not being heard, and as we shared our thoughts, insights and feelings on it all, I began to see more cracks in this truth I was coming to terms with.

A week later, I spoke to the other woman (that wonderful friend who has the ability to see clearly, and between the lines, when I can’t, and vice versa, at times, thank god!). I admitted what I was beginning to see as the whole truth, and with a deep breath, she responded “That is huge.” As I heard her utter those words, the entirety and enormity of it truly and fully slapped me in the face, with a WHOOSH; it WAS huge, especially in saying it aloud to someone else. I was really putting it out there.

What I realized opened my eyes to so many things, and is still continuing to do so, which I suppose, was my biggest fear. This was NEVER what I wanted it, and yet, I went ahead and created it anyways.

I realized that for all of the pride I carry in not regretting, hiding or “feeling shame” in things that I have already shared about my past, I hold on tightly to the truth about the present and the little left over bits of recent past. Those are kept close, without the warmth of sunlight or the ability to take in fresh air, they are hidden away, left to bend and twist, morphing into an ugly form of “shame”.

There are these “things” that I let slide out of control in my life, and the feelings of guilt in not tending to them have transformed into something darker and uglier. Instead of staying truly strong and continuing to speak clearly and loudly, I became comfortable in a place of denial, falsely labelling it as hopeful.

These things have caused me to feel shame, and I am finally able to admit it to myself.

Good Riddance Day

Today is Good Riddance Day; the day we are to say goodbye to all those negative things from 2011.

I don’t know, this one grabbed me this morning and hasn’t left my mind all day long. I would suppose that we should make it a part of who we are, become practiced at, releasing those things that hold us back; physically, emotionally, or otherwise. But, especially now, as we come to the end of 2011 and prepare to walk onto the path of 2012, it actually makes sense to me, after the year I have been through; I deserve to make it a moment, and really say farewell to the thoughts and feelings that have followed and haunted me, month after month, day after day. I actually feel as though I should be burning a white candle as I write this! 

In the spirit of a new year, a fresh start, I let go of all the thoughts that held fear and doubt; those that prevented me from believing that I could do things in a different way than previously, or even differently than most others would choose.

I let silence live where it should, and welcome my voice back.

I say goodbye to “wrong” and invite my RIGHTS home.

.

I release overwhelming loss and sadness; transforming it into acceptance, light and love.

I say goodbye to “dis-ease” and delight in health and growth.

I let go of just existing, putting one foot in front of the other, and excitedly look forward to LIFE!

I toss anger, regret and worry out the door, reminding myself that I, no one else, have the power on my journey.

I will remove “Can’t” from my vocabulary, because in nearly all instances, (as I constantly remind my daughter), we can do ANYTHING we put our minds to.

I deny the lies, those of others, or the ones I have told myself, and bask in the glow of truth and honesty.

I will, again, release guilt and shame, consciously accepting the facts as within my control and/or part of what it took to bring me to the place and person I am becoming.

I knock down the walls that I, yet again, have built and allow everything negative, all of the demons, to run, scuttle and cower away for good.

So, I say goodbye and “good riddance” to 2011, acknowledging the lessons, gifts and growth that were given to me; accepting and welcoming the spark that was ignited amidst the turmoil.

Hello 2012!

“Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion. Everything invites me to cherish it.” 

- Ninon de Lenclos

(Okay, after I finished writing, I DID grab a candle, read this aloud and blew out the candle; literally releasing the negative with my exhale! My heart began to race, I felt excited and giddy! When I blew out the candle, it felt cleansing and I revelled in watching the smoke, that came from the wick, dissipate!)

Finding My Way Through the Storm

I don’t know how or why, but there are so many things about life, myself and my hopes and dreams that I, early on, seemed to have just taken a sit back, expectant, it will come to me type of view upon. I kind of took for granted, assumed, that things would work out and I would end up, magically in the life I envisioned.

Ridiculously, I took the rest with a grain of salt, seeing it as par for the course, part of the journey “there”, and expected it to work itself out, without any help from me. The little nagging details that sometimes accompany situations, people etc., the things I foolishly ignored or turned the other cheek to; as if it would all just disappear in time and I wouldn’t have to face it.

It seems as though many of those ignored matters are suddenly blasting towards me, with their sing-song voices screaming “Aha ha ha!! Found you! We’ve been waiting for you!”

The repercussions of said ignorance can sneak up on you, and, suddenly, tear the very ground you stand upon out from beneath you. And there you sit, amidst the rubble, realizing that you should have kept your eyes, ears and mouth open. You are the one who led yourself to this point, and there is no longer a finger to point at anyone but the image that stares back at you in the mirror.

While that “inner voice of my source” that I often speak of reminds me, again, that it was all meant to be, I cannot help but shake my head at the naivety of my younger self.

Then, I have to shake myself back to the present, and in a louder, stronger voice say “STOP!” The only options I have are to move forward from HERE. There will never be changing any of my mistakes, only learning from them, and finding a remedy or changing the things that are still in my hands, or at least close enough that I could still do the RIGHT thing.

I suddenly feel as though I am the baby tornado, growing into its full fury and ferocity. Larger and larger it becomes, causing chaos and destruction along its path, until, hopefully soon, the storm passes and the tornado dissipates.

This change that lies before me on the horizon, I can see the strength that comes with it. I know that denials will no longer fit; they will seem to be a foreign and unwelcome state of mind. All that I want will come to be, and will be because of ME. 

Marriage

There are days when you can barely look in them in the face for fear of saying or doing something you may regret; sooner or later.


There are days you wake up and can’t wait to look into their eyes, spend all day with them, do anything and everything with them; TODAY!

There are hard days.

There are days you know you will cherish and laugh about for years to come.

Some days it’s easy.

Some days, it’s hard as hell.

Some days you laugh.

Some days you cry.

Some days you can’t wait for them to walk out the door.

Other days, you wish they could call in sick.

There are days you reminisce about your wedding day.

Then, there those days you wonder “what was I thinking?!”

There are days you smile.

There are days you scream and yell.

There are days you don’t think you will ever survive.

There are the days you ask yourself how you got so lucky.

We love and we hate.

We adore and we despise.

Most days, we simply try.

We do the best that we can.

Marriage. It isn’t easy. It isn’t without hard work. It isn’t without strength and endurance. It is about tolerance and perseverance. It is about trust. It is about growth.

It is an amazing journey.

Lessons in Gratitude?

“Cream of the crop” is a phrase I have heard repeated often during this past month.

I have listened to the words and rolled them repeatedly around my mouth and my mind. I have had a difficult time allowing them to register within me. They feel tainted by arrogance and smugness in many ways. If I step back, really take several paces backwards, I can see the words spelling out something far greater, something reserved for an elite part of society. Isn’t that funny?

My mind ponders the reality that each and every one of us will process the same situation in an entirely different light; none of us will truly ever experience the same moment in the same way as the person next to us. It doesn’t matter who that person beside us is.

So if we are to live a moment completely separate from those close to us, how is it possible to place judgments or condemnation upon them for their actions in the face of what lies before us? We cannot possibly fully comprehend that place from which their emotions and responses are born, not being immersed inside their mind ourselves, so how can we pretend to understand their actions?

However, there are some basic, hmm, I don’t know, courtesies, respects, LOVE that would and should come with these other things that may arise. Wouldn’t we think?

This month has reached peak levels in so many different places in my life, and instead of feeling more bonded, with anyone, I feel much more separate and alone. My eyes have opened wider, and sadly, parts of what, amazingly, still remained of my innocence, have been lost.

I feel far from what I imagine the phrase “Cream of the crop” to entail.

Somewhere, at the moment buried deeply, I can hear, and almost see other words calling out to me; “You ARE where you should be at this time. You ARE strong enough and you WILL make it through this time. Exactly on time, as you are intended to.”

In the end, it really doesn’t matter how the others respond. It matters how I respond. How I learn and grow from what these experiences are teaching me.

I guess what I need to do is take a standpoint of Gratitude. I need to appreciate that which has been placed on my path, for it has all been lessons offered. I only need to accept the gift.

"Cold Hearted Bitch"...Accepted, Proudly!

We wake up one morning and it’s like we are living in a new and exciting world. Everything seems clear and crisp. There is nothing that could take us down from this place that we seem to floating upon. Our resolve to step forward, into the unknown, like nothing we had thought possible. We know we can do anything we put our heart and soul into and no one will stand in the way of that. We know that what is before us is important, crucial and even critical for making the trek back to the true path of our journey. We are ecstatic because it all makes sense now, and that which we have longed for is finally within our grasp.

As women, there is a tendency for something strange to happen when we finally find that clarity that we have been searching for. Suddenly, this new strength that we have found becomes a threat to those around us.

There is another air, one of anxiety that tries to cloud our commitment. Those mixed feelings that come from those around us, those feelings that are purely their own. Those we love and care about, the ones who love us and really do want what is best for us become confused. Their own world has been shifted and they are frightened as to where they fit in, what their new role may be, or if there is one at all.

We become labeled. “Cold hearted bitch” is one name that rings out loudest. It can be uttered from so many different influences in our life, from the men to the women; our parents, siblings, spouses or friends. Our true feelings about what sits in wait ahead for us, become misconstrued and misunderstood. The lack of tolerance for that which we know must change in order to move forward becomes taken as something it could not be farther from. Our approaching success becomes something that others fear, for their own reasons and due to their own insecurities. They are afraid of things that are beyond our control, and in the end have nothing to do with us and our decision.

I am beginning to see how this scene has played out in my life, how my choices in the past have been affected; by worrying about how my own happiness and success would or could affect those few that were close to me in the moment.

I see, how as women, we have continued, one generation after another, to allow others to dominate our bodies and minds. I see how by denying ourselves of that which we were not only entitled, but that which was/is meant for our true journey, we have not only deprived ourselves of precious time, love and true living, but we have robbed those around us that we love. We haven’t allowed anyone to experience the beautiful gifts that we have to offer.

Eyes wide open. Ears, well, open, but sufficiently filtered from the noise that attempted entry…I took one step forward, then another…I realized this was my time and I could never be more ready than I was in that moment.

Frozen

I realize from somewhere deep inside myself, the place that doesn’t want to admit certain things out loud, that I am in the state of fearing impending life changes. My inability to move forward, to express myself and to live life fully is because I am at that familiar stage of resistance.

My eyes spotted something ahead in the road, and not wanting to face the blockage, I closed my eyes again; quickly and tightly.

I sit frozen by thoughts of what lay ahead, the things that could and should transpire. Every new chapter begins the same, and I have enough sense to realize that, but I cannot shake the feeling of impending doom. That feeling that always overwhelms me, even when I know the reality of the changing path will only have a positive outcome.

Something good is about to happen, I can feel it. Quick! Hide! Don’t let it catches me! I am not ready for this…I can’t…

Why DO we sabotage ourselves like this? Why are we afraid to accept the wonderful things that lay in wait for us; the people, the journey, our true path? Why do we resist with all of our might all that we have been quietly longing for?

Suddenly, my eyes were wide open with a clarity that had life gleaming before me. No other path made sense but the new road that lay before me…

Will I awaken in time now? Or will the doors silently slip shut, the light turn dark and my vision become a part of the background once again?

Action MUST Be Required...

Oh my goodness.

My heart is racing, I feel like I am vibrating and I did shed a few tears.

Given horrifying news that leaves me desperate to act and yet asked to not repeat a word.

Pride (and relief) in a strong, courageous, brave and ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY decision.

Utter shock and disgust.

Total understanding, relation and empathy; but impelled to confront in one way or another.

A new role, new issues and concerns; more responsibility, deeper thinking and inevitably I suppose, more heartache, worry and desire to protect.

If I allow this to remain inside much longer, I may actually explode!

If I act upon my instincts, chaos will certainly erupt.

Several possible avenues of action to take; depending on one’s own filter, the answer may be obvious. Silence (in the hopes it really will NEVER happen again), physical retaliation (a desperate, in-grained, protective, adrenaline rush, eye-for-an-eye punishment) or perhaps even a phone call to the cops (almost never the preferred action, but one wonders…maybe this time it SHOULD happen…).

Asked NOT to speak to my best friend, my “confidante”, my partner, lover and husband; the one that every inch, every fiber of my being is calling out for me to turn to. Isn’t that a sign in itself? I actually pride myself on not being ABLE to hide things (ok, confusing women, mental issues aside!) from my husband; I tell him EVERYTHING! In confidence, non-life threatening things said to me are one thing, but when there is a serious twist to it, young and un-informed, uneducated and innocent to the SERIOUS things in life…even with the promise that there will be no opportunity, no option for these events to occur again… I KNOW what can happen inside of our minds. I KNOW the excuses we can be given, the apologies and promises.

Mmmmmppphhhh (inhale) ….hhhhhhhhmmmmpppphhh (exhale) ….

I really need to sit with this one for a short time, and I think re-visit the conversation before ultimately deciding to open my mouth and let the words pour out…

Who I am

I am who I am; who I was intended to “be” on this journey. I am the person that I should be BECAUSE of what I have lived, not despite it.

I learned long ago that blame was pointless. I am and have always been responsible for my own life. Sure, there are things in my past that “shouldn’t have been”, but the fact remains, that IT WAS. Regret and blame fall to the side because it cannot be changed, I can only move forward. There is nothing that any one person could have DONE or NOT DONE differently in my life that would have changed who I am today, whatever their role at the time, however they responded to “me” in the moment, was exactly how it was supposed to have been.

The dark, the sad and the scary things I have lived through were necessary in bringing me to this point in my journey. While I may have experienced or done things that came from a place where I dare not step now, I learned so much during those times; if I take the time to honestly look at/examine the events.

As I continue to grow, I find myself wondering why we hide these truths about ourselves. What makes us feel reluctant to share the things that helped to create the person we’ve become? The harder we try to ignore where we came from and pretend that certain things never happened, the more pieces of ourselves we lose. To know who we are and where we are going, we must acknowledge where our roots began. To deny our past in any form only prevents us from really growing in every aspect of our journey.

If I can’t be open and honest about my truths, how can I believe that I have truly worked through and learned anything about my life and who I am?

The Truth is Enough

One of her favorite pastimes when she was a teenager was hitchhiking. Typically, with at least one other girl, on quiet nights they would take rides looking for something to do. When she was 16, she and one of her younger friends found a ride with 2 older guys. They had a few drinks as they drove the streets of the small city, nothing serious and no harm done. Her friend was interested in the driver and had exchanged numbers with him.

A short time later, on a boring Sunday afternoon, this girlfriend called with an invitation to go with the guys for a few beers and a drive in the hills. It was right up her alley, so of course she accepted. After several hours and beers, she was quite buzzed and they were having fun listening to the Tragically Hip as they drove. Time flew, and she was actually surprised when they pulled up to a gas station, they had taken the back road ALL the way through to the next town. She was also concerned about the time. She lived her with “over-protective and strict” mom; curfew, especially a simple dinner curfew was just not something she usually ignored.

After much pressure from her girlfriend, who did not have such limitations in her home, and of course the guys, she gave in and called home offering an explanation of car trouble that would keep her out later than planned. She knew she was going to be in trouble, and at that point, her inhibitions what they were, she didn’t really care, and so she quietly accepted that they would continue on down the road a few more hours to another small town. They made several stops and had many more drinks before finally making the roughly 4 hour trip home.

She recalls how dark it was and how loud the music was as she sat in the backseat of the truck. She remembers feeling tired and numbed by the alcohol. The guy next to her started to move closer, his hand heavy on her leg. She felt the pressure of his large body as he closed in on her, suggestions becoming actions. She said no. Again, she said No. She repeated NO! The loud music drowned her out as she watched her friend turn with a smile, laugh and then she turned to make her own, welcomed, move in the front seat. She tried to resist as they struggled in that small backseat, but, he was heavy and she was drunk.

They finally made it home in the wee hours of the night. Her mom was obviously beyond angry and afraid for her daughter as she waited near the door. Too out of it to feel, too tired to care, she went in and took the reprimanding that she knew she deserved before her head managed to hit the pillow and succumb to sleep.

She offered no explanation, only hollow apologies as she fought the consequence of being driven to the front door of her school after only a few short hours of sleep; she was still intoxicated. She faced the ridicule of her friend, who insisted that she had obviously asked for it and then received. Her friend basically told her she deserved it and was on her own. And so, she questioned herself and her actions. She hadn’t the strength to fight back as she had wanted, so it must have given the ok. Under his force, his strength, she had given in and so that must have meant that inside she really did want it to happen.

She knew better, and so she relayed the events to a closer friend who insisted that she was not to blame, and what happened was NOT HER FAULT. She knew it was true, and yet, she said nothing to anyone else. She kept inside, where over the years she continued to question her roll in what happened. Years later, she had still wondered if she should have tried harder, screamed louder and resisted longer. She knew the truth, and that was all she needed.

Of course, some of you will instantly recognize my “use” of another voice in this piece, and to avoid questioning, I will admit that I am the “she” in the above.


I certainly do accept and recognize that the fault does not lie inside me, no matter the actions I took that led up to the events. I don’t ask for sympathy, or apology. I have dealt with it, not dwelled on it and have certainly moved past it. I am open to sharing these things because they are a part of me; who I was and who I have become. Since I was young, I have wanted the words that I wrote to touch another, to show them that they have never been alone in what they have experienced. I don’t mind sharing my inner self and experiences if it means that I can reach someone who needs to see that they aren’t the only one.

My Heart Breaks

I am a stay at home mom and literally spend all of my time with my daughter. Because I take this time with her, I know her little quirks, gestures, signs, words and attempts at words. While it is a constant learning process, for us both, for the most part I do understand her. I know that she is a little creature of habit, continuity and routine. I know that she likes things in their place, and can sometimes be distracted by something that is off. I know that after I read her “lullaby book” (in the dark!!), I must also read the description on the BACK of the book; after our goodnights, she has her special corner of her blanket in hand and is then covered, head to toe, by two other blankets. I know the little things that make my baby girl tick.

The other day it really hit me, these things I KNOW about my child.

I thought of the babies and children that are suddenly torn from their mothers, fathers or other “primary caregiver”. The complete devastation that must manifest inside these little beings as their world is ripped away from them in an instant. All of a sudden there is not ONE single person that understands their cry, their language or their routines. No one KNOWS them or understands who they are! They are, for whatever reason, taken away from the only truths, comforts and communication that they have ever known and been thrown into a foreign place. Their entire life, world and sense of self must obviously crumble before their innocent and uncomprehending little eyes.

It broke my heart as I thought of it then, and every day since. I see something on television, read something, or as I interact with my daughter, and I am taken back to this sad realization. Every day, there are so many little ones that have their lives torn apart!

It tears at my heart and makes me so grateful for the time I have with my baby girl. We are lucky, and I try to remind myself of that simple fact every day. I try to drink it all in, savor it and enjoy every minute, exactly as it is. I cannot imagine not having her in my life every day, and I can’t even fathom the confusion that would fill my little girls head if something were to take me away from her!

My heart goes out to those who have grown up to know these truths in the core of their souls, and to the precious other little ones that are right now facing this heartbreaking, life changing disturbance (? Understatement!) in their world.



We Are Closer Than We Realize

There are days when you log onto the internet and are astounded to see that many others have the exact same things on their mind as you! Every place you look, another person is letting out words that mirror your own; as though they are speaking directly to YOU. The content stems from a similar place, but is so magically different; each a fresh perspective to draw from.

I find it so intriguing that people so distantly a part of our lives, living drastically different lives and circumstances would find days that they are instantly and deeply connected on the same level with each other. I do always say that every person is in our life for a reason; teacher or student, but I find this particularly exciting. An inner ripple, a wave in our energy that seems to speak out loud enough to resound in another that is inside our very own circle; however seemingly “insignificant” or deep that relationship is. Minds joined together on another “plane” and each came back to find words that expressed thoughts reflecting their OWN perception of the union.

As we appear to be separate entities on similar voyages; to discover the mind and words of another that is on the same journey as our own. How very beautiful.

I am so grateful for my “teachers” and “students”. Thank you for stepping onto the path and walking with me for a time.

Divine guidance often comes when the horizon is the blackest. - Ghandi