For the past couple of years I have been allowing myself to feel angry with someone who had previously meant the world to me.
I was angry because I felt that she had changed, and as my feelings grew a little stronger, I also suddenly had open ears for whatever anyone else had to negatively say about her. I allowed myself to become stuck in a place of anger, distaste and regret, when it came to her.
Something I heard the other day stuck out, like a message kind of hitting me over the head, and it told me it was time to really look at this situation, and clearly.
Whatever happened in her life, before or after our special time, is of no matter. Most importantly, it is of no matter to what our relationship meant to me.
What IS important was the role that she played in my life back then, what she was able to give me and show me about myself. The closeness that we shared gave me so much; taught me, allowed me to be me, and gave me warmth and comfort when I most needed it. She was the one I ran to, escaped to, when my world felt like it was crashing down around me. She was, what I felt at the time, the sole provider of unconditional love and support in my life.
It comes down to that whole thing about judging other people, and who am I to do that to her after all she offered to me?
As I have pondered this over the past few days, it has made me feel a little ashamed, and sad. While I may not have been the one to “change” our relationship, neither was she really. She grew and I grew, we just happened to grow apart; sad as that is.
I miss the closeness that we shared, the ability to openly and freely express exactly how I was feeling, the fun that we had together.
But, perhaps, the teacher’s job was done. The time that was needed between us passed, she was needed elsewhere, and I had to move forward in my own life of learning and teaching others.
Instead of grieving what had felt like and seemed to have been lost, instead of feeling angry and betrayed, I should have simply celebrated the role that she played in my young life. I should have been remembering to keep gratitude in my heart for all that she gave to me.
And so, for now, while I likely won’t be able to bring myself to actually say all of this to her directly, I still want to acknowledge it, say it aloud, put it out there, back into the universe and all of our energies…
Thank you. Thank you for being that special person in my life, the lifeline that, truly, kept me alive. Thank you for being understanding, non-judgemental, and, loving. Thank you for being there when nobody else seemed to think I was worth it. Thank you for believing in me, when no one else seemed able to. Thank you for letting me be who I needed to be then, for it has made me who I am today. Thank you. And, I love you.