This Day Was Meant For You

Every year at this time, she is filled with a consuming sadness. It leaves her exhausted and confused, despite knowing deep down inside where it stems from.

She was adopted as a baby.

This is a pain I can only imagine. Despite having felt myself at the depths of sorrow and sadness, it was something that feels pale and simple in comparison to her own struggle of emotions and overwhelming sense of aloneness.

Her senses of belonging and importance, her role, those things that make her special, are lost upon her at times; times such as now, her birthday.

She is my mom.

Her birthday is the day that reminds me of exactly what kind of a gift she was then, and continues to be now.

I am grateful that, no matter what the circumstances, she was born. Her beginnings in this world less than what most would dream of for their baby girl, I am grateful that she found her way into a loving family. I am thankful, and grow constantly more appreciative, for the journey that she has walked in her life. It led her to be the one chosen to be my mother, and it brought her and I to the place where we now are.

We are friends; bonded and connected by so many things, our turbulent past is almost laughable.

Happy Birthday Mom! It is your day. It is now, and it always has been. Look back over your journey with excitement and joy as you remember all the steps that you took to bring you here, now. All of these things that make you special, and uniquely you; these things that you are loved and appreciated for that make you amazing!

Today and every day, always remember how special you are to all of us. No one does it like you, and that’s the way it is meant to be!

I love you. 

Baby Girl Turns Four

Today, my baby girl, my lil’ ladybug girl, Ms. Magoo, turns 4!

I cannot believe how fast the time has gone by. I can’t believe that she isn’t a baby anymore! Sob…

While I wipe my tears away, I can’t help but smile.

I smile at the amazing little girl that I see before me. This little girl who has such a strong mind, definite likes and dislikes, preferences, plenty enough that we can only laugh as we shake our heads, interests that surprise and delight me, and a heart so tender and loving.

Every day I realize that I am the one learning. My little girl is, and has been since the day she arrived in my arms, teaching ME. She is the teacher that opens my eyes and so often she is the spark that re-ignites the fires of my own interests, beliefs, dreams… Simply by being herself, she inspires me in so many ways.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl! Live, love, learn and grow, be all that you can be… I love you baby!!

Painful Decisions

While on my way to the doctor this morning, I was overcome by the all too familiar sense of panic and anxiety. I have always found myself with a racing heart, jitters and an over active mind when faced with a doctor’s appointment of any kind. Perhaps it has worsened over the years, after experiencing several ectopic pregnancies, ovarian cysts that had to be removed, emergency surgeries, numerous doctors and ignored or unexplained pain and concerns. 

I find myself almost sick, physically, as I sit and wait for my name to be called, worried that I will be questioned about my apparent fear and nerves. This morning as I felt myself being swept away, I paused and forced myself to take the slow cleansing breaths.  “In through the nose, out through the mouth…” I repeated to myself, “breathe in the fresh, clean and new, breathe out and let the ugly, worry and dis-ease go with it…”, and it seemed to work, at least a little, until I walked into the examination room.

Already aware of the options about to be set before me, my mind begins to wander, exploring the feelings I thought I had sorted out. How I got to this place, what I always wanted, what was taken from me, what I hope for and what I know is likely not a possibility, all of these thoughts bubbling away inside my body. The unfairness, some of which I brought on myself, some of which leaves me with little options of my own, left to make decisions that must deeply consider another, others. And then the “Why?” of it all, why do the choices required for MY body have to depend upon the input, or even at times decisions, of others? Obviously the answer to that sits before me; because I have a heart do I consider others in making my decision and because a part of me has decided that is the “right” path to take.

As I sit before the doctor, it is almost as though he is a co-conspirator in this ploy to have the decision made for me. “Talk to your husband.” Well, okay, fair enough, of course I will. “Whatever you do, don’t get on the internet, don’t talk to your friends, aunts, grandma’s and neighbours. Everyone has an opinion, everyone is an expert. Don’t do it.”, the doctor tells me with a smile. So, again, take YOUR opinion as the “expert” one, and just let you take it from there?

For over fifteen years I have dealt with, at times, excruciating and unbearable, abdominal pain that has NEVER been firmly diagnosed. I have suffered numerous ectopic pregnancies, cysts that had to be removed surgically, laparoscopies to search for a cause of my pain, already pumped full of pain-killers, on my way into surgery pressured, and convinced, to have my tubes removed, and then I was told “Well, if it IS Endometriosis, many women find the symptoms disappear after pregnancy, we’ll put you on the list with the Fertility Clinic.” While of course that was not the reason I/we chose to get pregnant, it was like an appeal to my heart, the door had FINALLY opened, I was getting the longed for referral, I would have my chance!! And so, the In-Vitro Fertilization path was opened up. While words cannot ever describe how WORTH it the end result is, that is an extremely difficult road to trek. Pain? YES! Emotionally, physically and everything in between! I, being the “extra-special” case that I am, of course ran into complications. Amidst already invasive procedures, several drugs that play with your hormones and therefor your emotions, injecting MYSELF twice daily, nasal sprays, examination after examination, I then ran into complications, OHSS, Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. My ovaries swelled beyond the size of grapefruits and I was SICK and in more PAIN, I even had to have several gallons of blood DRAINED from my belly, while I was awake. Procedures said to be “uncomfortable” were excruciating for me, including the embryo transfer which left me in an agony I can hardly describe. Next came pregnancy, hard to be excited when I was sick 24/7, scared because of pain and other symptoms. Then, back labour that lasted the entire month leading up to delivery day. Oh my, let me just say that actually delivering her was NOTHING in comparison, I have never been in that much pain in my life, for a month!! Again, all worth it in the end!

The pains that were hopefully to disappear after having my baby girl? Worse, worse and worse. I began to experience new symptoms, which included belly button pain. All around my belly button, for 3 years now, feels permanently bruised, I’ve even had it turn black. This summer, it has begun to change again, for the worse. Pains that are worse than ever before, cramping that goes into my back and down my legs, at times comparable to contractions; I’ve even had to breathe as I did while I was in labour to make it through some of the episodes, nausea and a few other symptoms.

So while the other, complicated, decision regarding venturing down the IVF path again has been weighing heavily upon me already, I am now forced to look upon it all with yet another sense of urgency, a new vantage point.

To go through another exploratory, temporary removal of problems, laparoscopy to FINALLY make a diagnosis (hopefully), choose the undesirable, likely unhelpful option of Birth Control Pill/IUD, OR, the ultimate, end decision, to go ahead and have the hysterectomy…

Tonight, I sit here feeling drained. So many of these thoughts have already been on my mind for years, for months I have known that I was approaching surgery, likely of the exploratory nature, and fully knowing that a hysterectomy lays ahead for me. And yet, my mind and heart feel unsettled. The worries of future regret in choosing NOT to have another child, surgery all in itself, thinking that perhaps I really should turn to a natural approach, at least fully investigate it, taking of course MORE time, and then of course the finality involved in having a hysterectomy.

In the end I know, from somewhere deep within, that whatever choice I make now will be the RIGHT one, the intended journey etc., and yet, I can’t help feeling as though there will be a sense of regret/”wrong” in whatever I choose.

“In the infinity of life where I am,

All is perfect, whole and complete.

I recognize my body as a good friend.

Each cell in my body has Divine Intelligence.

|I listen to what it tells me, and

Know that it’s advice is valid.

I am always safe, and

Divinity protected and guided.

I CHOOSE to be healthy and free.

All is well in my world.”

I believe this is from Louise Hay, my apologies if I am incorrect.

2 Years Ago Tonight

It’s hard to believe that 2 years have passed by already…

2 years ago tonight, I lay alone in a hospital bed with my 2 day old baby girl beside me; we didn’t realize, and no one offered, that my husband could stay with us. Baby girl was having a little bit of a problem with phlegm, choking and not being able to breathe; in the end it was nothing serious, but as a new mom, I was terrified! Next to us, was a rather loud baby, mom and dad; this baby would NOT stop crying!! When it finally would fall asleep, mom and dad would continue to chat, not very quietly, especially considering the time of night that it was. Baby girl, as she continued to do for nearly a year, did not sleep very well either, being continuously awakened by the commotions behind the curtain. I was exhausted, nervous about being left alone with a newborn, and longed to me in the comfort of my own home, with my husband there by my side. I grew more and more anxious, and extremely irritable; I just wanted to take my baby and walk out of the hospital!!

Finally, after very little sleep, it was morning! I called home, excited to find out when hubby and mom would be coming to get us; not, of course, thinking of the time it would take the doctor to come around, or what the reaction to my legs would be. Unfortunately, by morning, my legs, ankles and feet had swollen up to a rather large and uncomfortable size. When the doctor finally came around to see us, several hours after I had anticipated, there was a great concern for what was going on with me; baby girl had been deemed healthy enough to go home. We had to wait even longer as I was being sent for an ultra-sound to clear the possibility of a blood clot.

At last, time for our new little family to go home! The concern with ladybugs choking etc., the insecurities, all soon disappeared; taken over by the routine of our new life with a baby, the natural and instinctive take-over that happens.

Now, we sit here, 2 years later. Baby girl is not so much a baby anymore. She’s now a toddler, a little girl; a child with a brilliant mind all her own. Independent and strong-willed, learning so many things so quickly, developing her personality, and discovering her very distinct “likes” and “dislikes”. Our beautiful, precious little girl…

My Heart Breaks

I am a stay at home mom and literally spend all of my time with my daughter. Because I take this time with her, I know her little quirks, gestures, signs, words and attempts at words. While it is a constant learning process, for us both, for the most part I do understand her. I know that she is a little creature of habit, continuity and routine. I know that she likes things in their place, and can sometimes be distracted by something that is off. I know that after I read her “lullaby book” (in the dark!!), I must also read the description on the BACK of the book; after our goodnights, she has her special corner of her blanket in hand and is then covered, head to toe, by two other blankets. I know the little things that make my baby girl tick.

The other day it really hit me, these things I KNOW about my child.

I thought of the babies and children that are suddenly torn from their mothers, fathers or other “primary caregiver”. The complete devastation that must manifest inside these little beings as their world is ripped away from them in an instant. All of a sudden there is not ONE single person that understands their cry, their language or their routines. No one KNOWS them or understands who they are! They are, for whatever reason, taken away from the only truths, comforts and communication that they have ever known and been thrown into a foreign place. Their entire life, world and sense of self must obviously crumble before their innocent and uncomprehending little eyes.

It broke my heart as I thought of it then, and every day since. I see something on television, read something, or as I interact with my daughter, and I am taken back to this sad realization. Every day, there are so many little ones that have their lives torn apart!

It tears at my heart and makes me so grateful for the time I have with my baby girl. We are lucky, and I try to remind myself of that simple fact every day. I try to drink it all in, savor it and enjoy every minute, exactly as it is. I cannot imagine not having her in my life every day, and I can’t even fathom the confusion that would fill my little girls head if something were to take me away from her!

My heart goes out to those who have grown up to know these truths in the core of their souls, and to the precious other little ones that are right now facing this heartbreaking, life changing disturbance (? Understatement!) in their world.



October 15th - Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

I came across this many years ago... As it did then, it brings me peace, warmth and smiles.

Beyond Dreams Edge – Debbi Dickinson Naperville, Illinois

Three new children play tonight

In a land beyond dreams edge

Instead of sand, they play with stardust,

Getting glitter sparkles on their hands.

Instead of coloring books,

They color rainbows

For God to place in the sky,

His promise to us below.

Instead of jumping rope,

They jump strands of sunlight.

Braided strong by His might,

Forever shining bright.

Instead of riding bikes,

They spread their wings

And fly to distant stars,

As all the angels sing.

Instead of snow slopes,

They slide down moonbeams,

Irridescent glowing streams,

Landing in heavenly green.

Instead of TV,

They watch sunrises, sunsets,

And all that transpires in between,

Secure that God knows best.

Instead of playing ball,

They catch stars,

Before they fall,

Loving the wonder of it all.

Instead of bouncing on their beds,

They bounce on clouds,

Their laughter echoes about,

Just beyond dreams edge.

We meet at night in prayer.

I quietly wait to see them there,

Golden haloes on their heads,

In a land beyond dreams edge.

Precious Babies

It is, and in some ways may always be, one of those things that we never talk about. There is always a sense of stigma attached to it. We are often left with an overwhelming sense of loneliness that cannot be filled; we don’t realize that we can and should talk about it.

Many of us, and more of us than we often realize, have suffered the traumatic loss of a baby. It is very sad that, as women, we not only have to go through the tremendous loss itself physically and emotionally, but we get left alone to deal with the emotions afterwards and we can be horrifically labeled for something we had absolutely no control over. In an effort to protect ourselves, we then have a tendency to shut down, disconnect from the loss and become numb to it. We don’t talk about it.

I lost 4 precious angels through Ectopic/Tubal Pregnancy. The first one completely blindsided me; I had no idea that I was pregnant. I was, again, having serious abdominal pain that led me to the doctor after work one night. A test confirmed I was pregnant, but, with no explanation at hand for the rest of my symptoms I was sent home for the evening to return for further testing. The next day became a whirlwind; gynecologists, rushing to the hospital, pain medications and of course the news; I would lose this baby. I was utterly devastated and felt truly alone. No one around me had experienced or could even imagine what I was going through. I was very young, in a new relationship and the only words of “comfort” I received were, “Well at least they got rid of it” from the mother of my boyfriend. With the next 2 Ectopic’s, I was ready. When the pain started, I KNEW what was happening. I would spend a few days in denial, not wanting to go through the experience again. I talked to the babies, I pleaded with them and I apologized for not being able to keep them. Other than that, I was almost numb. I had more people around me when I went through the 2nd and 3rd losses, but I was keeping myself guarded. None of the people that I was surrounded by KNEW what I was feeling inside. The last Ectopic that I had was in some ways the worst to go through. My husband and I had talked about wanting to have a child together. It was something I had wanted so BADLY to happen in my life, though I had resigned myself in many ways to believing I wouldn’t be able to. This time the tornado that swept me away was much more violent. I was in my state of denial again; the feelings were all too familiar. I was at work when I began to shake, feel dizzy, turn white and of course was in severe abdominal pain. The girls finally convinced me to at least call the Health Link to speak with a nurse who insisted I be taken to the hospital immediately. By the time my husband arrived and the news was given, I was higher than a kite on morphine for the pain. This was when they decided to also insist on removing both of my tubes to prevent this from happening again. I wanted to refuse so badly, and at first I did. The pressure and the relaxing/sleepy effects of the drugs allowed me to concede. When I woke up from surgery, I no longer had a baby or the parts required for my body to conceive another. I felt more empty than I ever had before. This time, even though I had many supportive and loving people around me, I was an emotional mess. I was finally grieving for my first three angels as well as the fourth. I was grieving the loss of pieces of my body. This time I was also bothered by the fact that NOT ONCE when I went through this process was I offered any type of guidance or support while in the hospital. Aside from nurses comments, “Wow, this is your 4th, you’re so young…”, no one even came close to saying “This is an extremely difficult thing to go through, I am so sorry. Here are some groups/numbers etc. that can help you deal with what you must be feeling.” I felt that I NEEDED that, so I looked on-line and found a few chat places, message boards, nurses etc. that were specifically for dealing with the emotions and aftermath of an Ectopic Pregnancy. It was something I really had to do for myself, I couldn’t bury the feelings and devastation any more. I had to learn to cope, grieve and try to move forward.

The amazing sense of peace that I found in actually letting it out is something that is hard to find words to fully express. Talking to someone, in person, professionally, in an on-line chat/message board, a group etc. can give the comfort that we desperately search for. I know I thought that I would and could accept, mourn and move forward, but I realized that I couldn’t do it on my own. When I realized that there are so many other wonderful women that have gone through what I had, that have walked the same step, I felt a warm sense of comfort and belonging come over me. While I could never say that I have “gotten over it”, I have come to a better sense of terms with it. It is sometimes easy to become overcome with emotions about it still, but I can accept it a little more. And it always helps to remember that I am NOT ALONE.

I have shared these few details with only a small number of people in my life. Most people know the facts, it happened, it happened 4 times, but I haven’t shared the feelings with many. I think it may even be the first time that I wrote it out like this. It is soothing to write these words. I hope that at least one of you who reads this can identify even a little, and maybe feel just a little less alone in your pain and grief.

I Love you my precious babies…