Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

It was around this time last year that I fell into the “rabbit hole”.

From very early on, I had never taken the time to know myself, I didn't learn any of the skills and tools to handle anything that occurred in my life. I was like a zombie really, just moving mindlessly through my life. I expected things to be ok, to just work out, get better... Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be ok, this will all be over, I'll do better, I'll be better... Tomorrow.

I have spent my life living on the edge, moving from one crisis or trauma to the next. There didn't seem to be any respite, perhaps a glimmer of hope once in a blue moon, but it never lasted. Of course, without doing any of the work I needed to do, and without an ounce of self-care, self-love, or self-respect to support any type of healing, it never would. I just carried obliviously onward, continuously slipping into the rabbit hole, pulling myself a few inches out, until the next thing happened, when I'd slide back down to the bottom.

 

My world as I had known it began to seriously crumble shortly after moving 5 years ago. After 13 years, the abuse and violence in my marriage erupted, and I separated from my husband, and promptly fell headfirst, deep into that rabbit hole. The couple that took my daughter and I in for a few months after the explosive break up of my marriage became my best friends; we were a part of each other’s daily lives, despite the healthy and unhealthy dynamics of the relationship between the three of us was. Almost 2 years ago now, I witnessed the husband, my friend, someone very close to me, and my boss, have a massive heart attack, and subsequently pass on. After he passed, the house cleaning, deliveries, other odd jobs, and Administrative/Booking Assistant work that I had been doing with/for them for 3 years, came to a sudden end. The growing anxiety and realization of how unhealthy, co-dependent and toxic things were becoming in my life had begun shortly before he died, and afterwards I promptly fell apart. I had been tending to the needs of everyone close to me, taking their stuff on as my own, using it as an unhealthy distraction, and I had used up my resources. I was empty. I had nothing left for myself, let alone anyone else.  Panic and anxiety took over. I had a hard time leaving my house, breathing, I had severe chest and heart pains, I cried constantly, I couldn’t sleep, think, function…Out of fear and shame, I clung to the hope/”need” to continue home schooling my, then 8 year old, daughter. (Perhaps an attempt to retain some sense of (false) control?) My behaviours and thinking were completely distorted and irrational. I had no clarity. I was making horrible decisions while, of course, attempting to rationalize them. I was numbing the pain by drinking more and more, and at times of the day I never would have before. I was drowning.

A lifetime of abuse, violence, alcohol dependency, grief and loss, co-dependency, toxic relationships, taking on the role of the "victim", fucked up, irrational thinking, every other “major event” or ”defining moment” that I had ever experienced, buried, avoided, came bursting out, PTSD and GAD symptoms blew up… My entire life caught up to me. I was collapsing, falling apart, scared, and out of control.

As I have since been learning, I was stuck in the "Fight, Flight, or Freeze" state for nearly my entire life. My amygdala had been running the show, without a break, in overdrive, which was causing a whole slew of other things to occur in my mind and body.

...my story isn't over yet... ;)

Marriage

There are days when you can barely look in them in the face for fear of saying or doing something you may regret; sooner or later.


There are days you wake up and can’t wait to look into their eyes, spend all day with them, do anything and everything with them; TODAY!

There are hard days.

There are days you know you will cherish and laugh about for years to come.

Some days it’s easy.

Some days, it’s hard as hell.

Some days you laugh.

Some days you cry.

Some days you can’t wait for them to walk out the door.

Other days, you wish they could call in sick.

There are days you reminisce about your wedding day.

Then, there those days you wonder “what was I thinking?!”

There are days you smile.

There are days you scream and yell.

There are days you don’t think you will ever survive.

There are the days you ask yourself how you got so lucky.

We love and we hate.

We adore and we despise.

Most days, we simply try.

We do the best that we can.

Marriage. It isn’t easy. It isn’t without hard work. It isn’t without strength and endurance. It is about tolerance and perseverance. It is about trust. It is about growth.

It is an amazing journey.

Action MUST Be Required...

Oh my goodness.

My heart is racing, I feel like I am vibrating and I did shed a few tears.

Given horrifying news that leaves me desperate to act and yet asked to not repeat a word.

Pride (and relief) in a strong, courageous, brave and ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY decision.

Utter shock and disgust.

Total understanding, relation and empathy; but impelled to confront in one way or another.

A new role, new issues and concerns; more responsibility, deeper thinking and inevitably I suppose, more heartache, worry and desire to protect.

If I allow this to remain inside much longer, I may actually explode!

If I act upon my instincts, chaos will certainly erupt.

Several possible avenues of action to take; depending on one’s own filter, the answer may be obvious. Silence (in the hopes it really will NEVER happen again), physical retaliation (a desperate, in-grained, protective, adrenaline rush, eye-for-an-eye punishment) or perhaps even a phone call to the cops (almost never the preferred action, but one wonders…maybe this time it SHOULD happen…).

Asked NOT to speak to my best friend, my “confidante”, my partner, lover and husband; the one that every inch, every fiber of my being is calling out for me to turn to. Isn’t that a sign in itself? I actually pride myself on not being ABLE to hide things (ok, confusing women, mental issues aside!) from my husband; I tell him EVERYTHING! In confidence, non-life threatening things said to me are one thing, but when there is a serious twist to it, young and un-informed, uneducated and innocent to the SERIOUS things in life…even with the promise that there will be no opportunity, no option for these events to occur again… I KNOW what can happen inside of our minds. I KNOW the excuses we can be given, the apologies and promises.

Mmmmmppphhhh (inhale) ….hhhhhhhhmmmmpppphhh (exhale) ….

I really need to sit with this one for a short time, and I think re-visit the conversation before ultimately deciding to open my mouth and let the words pour out…

Comfort, Learn or Teach...?

An old friend, someone who I have mostly lost contact with, but still care about a great deal, seems to be going through a difficult time.

Her statements on Facebook surprise me, and yet echo within. She is vague, but I can only assume that she is speaking of serious issues within her marriage. She received a lot of feedback; leaving her to delete the whole post, re-word and add that some people should keep their opinions to themselves.

This girl was a very close friend many years ago, and sadly, we lost touch for about 14 years. Although we have both expressed desire to see each other and reconnect, we haven’t. So, what I now know about her is formed from pictures and statements via Facebook, or assumed/deemed to be in my mind. That being said, my opinion literally would mean nothing.

Instead, I feel as though my fears were correct. I remember my friend, and the amazing person that she was. I remember her strength and courage, her humor and early wisdom. I also recall the similarities we had in our taste in men; and I know that means difficult days kept silent until you explode.

I think I know from what I see/read, without actually knowing, that she is that same woman today. I imagine, that as it was then, we are still very much the same in some of our hopes/dreams/expectations. I wish we were closer, and yet am afraid of pushing too hard. I sent her a private message, reminding her that I was here for her and hoped she was ok, but haven’t heard back. I feel inside myself that I should be there for her, that I have the silence as well as the empathy to comfort and guide her gently; in her own time and way of course. I don’t know why I feel compelled to be there for her now. She obviously needs her own space to sort out whatever it is that is happening in her life right now; and yet, I feel I have SOMETHING to offer her!?! As it was then, our similar experiences gave us something to relate to with each other; knowing someone else had truly walked that same road. Now, I know our paths since then have been VERY different, and yet, I sense that they have also been very similar.

I think that I may be starting to LOOK deeper into many “relationships” from my past lately. Necessary or not? If I feel the urge to pause and turn around for a moment, I can only assume that is on purpose; I am required to gain something that I missed in the past.

Disconnected

Every time I log onto the computer lately, “Disconnected” seems to pop up everywhere. Its screams reach out at me and echo within. A conversation with my BF found the word floating freely from both of our mouths.


Disconnected is exactly how I feel right now, on so many levels. I don’t feel connected to anything in my life. I am drifting slowly along the path like a zombie. I mindlessly perform required actions and find even the small tasks drain the energy from my body. Last night, by 7:30 PM I could literally not keep my eyes open. I was and am listless. My joints ache and my muscles hurt. My mind is full of many things, but, it’s like looking at a foreign language; none of it makes sense to me. The little things overwhelm me and cause my body to react as if faced with sensory overload. It is as though there are sirens and wind, flashing lights and screaming, my skin is crawling and my heart is racing, my chest feels tight and it is hard to breathe. Anxiety constantly consumes me from head to toe.

In an effort to cope, after pushing endlessly through, I have now become disconnected; the fact only causing more distress inside. I know that I will wake up one morning, and all will be back on track. Everything will return to “normal”. Do I want it to, I don’t know. Can I hang on, while that time only appears on the horizon as an imaginary oasis? Will my heart hold out, not suddenly seize up in the midst of an anxiety attack? Will I manage to wade through the growing puddle of tears?

I know there is no option, I can and will get through this. There are times when life seems to chew us up and spit us out distastefully. We become so intertwined with the daily pressures that the walls around us begin to suffocate us. In addition to everything else in our lives, we become wives, mothers and maids all in one, and suddenly, who we are becomes lost and confused. It can be scary and depressing. It can be overwhelming at times, but we have no other choice but move forward.

I will become “disconnected” from this passage and become part of a new one.

Entranced

The sun shone brightly and the ground was fresh after a light sprinkling of rain. My hands trembled as we pulled into the parking lot. Suddenly, I was blanketed in silence and my eyes saw nothing but the man standing a few yards away. His freshly cut hair, his crisp suit and hands clasped together before him; I could feel the amazing energy that he was projecting, and it quickly joined with my own. Our eyes met from a distance and I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling up.


I carefully dabbed the tears away, drew in a deep, calming breath and smiled; I was more than ready. I had no lingering questions or doubts; I KNEW what I was about to do and wanted it with my entire heart and soul.

As if proceeding through a fading dream sequence, I began to walk the path towards this man. It was as though everyone was standing in the beautiful mist before a waterfall; I could see faces for a brief moment and then they were gone, a new person before me. I heard voices that seemed to be off in a faraway place; and the music that softly began as I walked by, quickly joined that distant, soft, white noise. I glanced around at the people I knew were there, hoping they couldn’t see that I was entranced and only floating by them.

Our eyes met again, and for an instant I struggled to keep it all inside. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken as I noticed the wet path of tears down his cheeks. Our smiles reached out and become a part of each others in that moment; just as our hearts and lives were about to be forever connected.

I stared at the man, who in just a short time would become my Husband, and I felt peace and pure joy. He took my hands and it was all that we could do to keep ourselves from diving into the others arms and closing our eyes; locked in our own private world. Together, we released the moment in a gentle burst of laughter and quiet words…

The minister began, “We are joined here together today…”

Dinnertime Tears

Last night, as I prepared to make dinner, I made a single mistake. While this little error in judgment was certainly not the end of the world; in that instant my world DID stop. I broke down into tears. My husband gave me a little look, followed by words that kind of grind the moment down even further, “It’s that bad that you’re now going to be all grumpy?” Needless to say, he didn’t receive an answer!

The answer to his question was “No.” However, in that minute where everything changed from what I had expected, the weight of the world crashed down upon my shoulders. Every other frustration in my mind, every worry and concern; I suddenly felt like I was beneath a large, dark mountain. I couldn’t control the tears as they began to fall. Large, wet drops streamed down my face. I stared out the window, conscious of the fact that I wasn’t crying about dinner. All of the things I’ve wanted and all of the things I haven’t wished to experience just seemed to smother me then. “What do I do now?” was echoing through my mind, but the question was no longer about dinner. I honestly felt like just walking out the door into the dark, wet streets and wandering.

It took me awhile, but I finally took a deep breath in…through the nose…and let it all out…through the mouth. There was certainly nothing that could be done to solve anything at the time, so I knew I had to just step forward. After all, dinner wasn’t going to cook itself!

Today, I can more fully comprehend what was happening inside of me last night. It has reminded me of a few important things:

1. We should never judge another’s reaction to any circumstance; you don’t always know where exactly the emotions are really coming from.

2. Keeping things bottled up inside is never a good thing, those emotions are guaranteed to come out in the worst and least expected times.

3. Life doesn’t fix itself. Nothing in our lives will change unless WE do something to bring that change about.

4. Love and Marriage require work; consistent and continuous work. I miss my husband. Yes, he is here, but we have been going through a bit of a rough patch. We are both missing each other, but, we’ve obviously not been paying attention to what I mention in #3!

I’ve got some thinking and work to do it would seem! At least dinner is already cooking away in the Crock Pot!

“To give ones heart, is to give all” – Ghandi

“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” – Lao Tzu

“You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don’t. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly.” - Rumi