Thursday, November 11, 2010

Disconnected

Every time I log onto the computer lately, “Disconnected” seems to pop up everywhere. Its screams reach out at me and echo within. A conversation with my BF found the word floating freely from both of our mouths.


Disconnected is exactly how I feel right now, on so many levels. I don’t feel connected to anything in my life. I am drifting slowly along the path like a zombie. I mindlessly perform required actions and find even the small tasks drain the energy from my body. Last night, by 7:30 PM I could literally not keep my eyes open. I was and am listless. My joints ache and my muscles hurt. My mind is full of many things, but, it’s like looking at a foreign language; none of it makes sense to me. The little things overwhelm me and cause my body to react as if faced with sensory overload. It is as though there are sirens and wind, flashing lights and screaming, my skin is crawling and my heart is racing, my chest feels tight and it is hard to breathe. Anxiety constantly consumes me from head to toe.

In an effort to cope, after pushing endlessly through, I have now become disconnected; the fact only causing more distress inside. I know that I will wake up one morning, and all will be back on track. Everything will return to “normal”. Do I want it to, I don’t know. Can I hang on, while that time only appears on the horizon as an imaginary oasis? Will my heart hold out, not suddenly seize up in the midst of an anxiety attack? Will I manage to wade through the growing puddle of tears?

I know there is no option, I can and will get through this. There are times when life seems to chew us up and spit us out distastefully. We become so intertwined with the daily pressures that the walls around us begin to suffocate us. In addition to everything else in our lives, we become wives, mothers and maids all in one, and suddenly, who we are becomes lost and confused. It can be scary and depressing. It can be overwhelming at times, but we have no other choice but move forward.

I will become “disconnected” from this passage and become part of a new one.
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