Some Days Are Just Tough

There are days that I feel as though there is not a single thing that goes the way I would like; unfortunately those days often occur when I have looked forward to the day eagerly.

I find myself looking after the needs of others, answering and fulfilling THEIR every desire, only to find that each SMALL thing that I envisioned has fallen to the side or deemed un-important. After many hours of trying to happily comply and push my own feelings of let-down away, I inevitably find myself “grim and grumpy”.

By the time I reach that point, I tend to feel justified, and therefore content to stay in my mood. But, I also have the moments where I question what the hell I am doing?!

I can feel the others light tip-toes around me, their attempts to bring me back and I begin to feel guilty; so I pay attention to what I could be missing, I try to remind myself to be present in the moment.

I then move onto thinking why what I want should be considered any less important than what is on everyone else’s agenda? Why should their interests override my own?

Since baby girl came into our lives, I have found myself in this dilemma more often. I get frustrated at the lack of understanding and respect that people have for the job I now have; the job that doesn’t quit just because I want a break or someone else wants to do something different! I understand that some people aren’t in that situation now, “been there and done it”, or even they just have a different attitude towards being a parent; but I find it difficult at times to have enough patience to deal with it all in one day!

There are so many things racing through my mind at any given moment aside from that which is actually happening; things that no one aside from my husband, and sometimes not even him, would understand or appreciate the magnitude of.

I try to remind myself that all we have is THIS moment, but when the weight of so many other things exists, it becomes difficult at times to just forget…

Disconnected

Every time I log onto the computer lately, “Disconnected” seems to pop up everywhere. Its screams reach out at me and echo within. A conversation with my BF found the word floating freely from both of our mouths.


Disconnected is exactly how I feel right now, on so many levels. I don’t feel connected to anything in my life. I am drifting slowly along the path like a zombie. I mindlessly perform required actions and find even the small tasks drain the energy from my body. Last night, by 7:30 PM I could literally not keep my eyes open. I was and am listless. My joints ache and my muscles hurt. My mind is full of many things, but, it’s like looking at a foreign language; none of it makes sense to me. The little things overwhelm me and cause my body to react as if faced with sensory overload. It is as though there are sirens and wind, flashing lights and screaming, my skin is crawling and my heart is racing, my chest feels tight and it is hard to breathe. Anxiety constantly consumes me from head to toe.

In an effort to cope, after pushing endlessly through, I have now become disconnected; the fact only causing more distress inside. I know that I will wake up one morning, and all will be back on track. Everything will return to “normal”. Do I want it to, I don’t know. Can I hang on, while that time only appears on the horizon as an imaginary oasis? Will my heart hold out, not suddenly seize up in the midst of an anxiety attack? Will I manage to wade through the growing puddle of tears?

I know there is no option, I can and will get through this. There are times when life seems to chew us up and spit us out distastefully. We become so intertwined with the daily pressures that the walls around us begin to suffocate us. In addition to everything else in our lives, we become wives, mothers and maids all in one, and suddenly, who we are becomes lost and confused. It can be scary and depressing. It can be overwhelming at times, but we have no other choice but move forward.

I will become “disconnected” from this passage and become part of a new one.

Dancing with Chaos

Your mind is burned out from spinning in high gear and threatens to shut down.

Your eyes feel swollen from crying.

Your heart aches, worsened by the fast pace that makes you wonder if your heart could really explode?

Your body trembles, as if you are cold, but in that instant you are on fire.

Your stomach churns, filled with a hunger that will seemingly never be filled.

You consistently walk backwards, neck strained from going back and forth…

You spin in circles.

You say the same words, over and over…

You try, or would like to tell yourself that you do.

You sit in a chair, curled up tightly under a blanket, and stare out the window. You see the vibrant colors of nature, the trees dancing in the cool wind and feel the pull. You feel the calling of nature, of life and of the moment. You know inside that you should be warmed, feel hope and promise. Instead, your stomach and heart seem to be straining against each other. You feel physically pained from head to toe and wish only to cry out loud.

Quiet…QUIET…Silence…

You long for it, you yearn for it and it finally comes.

Sometimes, something is better than nothing though. The pause seems to be too much… The sense of aloneness is more than you can take, so you take a step, back into the fire. You’ve gone back into the Dance of Chaos.

One step, two steps…forwards or backwards…does it matter?

Behind Closed Eyes

Sand fills my body, leaving me heavy...
Feeling numb.
The curtains behind my eyes are drawn closed, abruptly shutting out the world.
The air seems thick around me,
like pea soup fog as it streams through me and into me.
Low whispers echo through my ears...
repeating, warning, beckoning...

I want to crawl out from beneath this cloud.
I can't.
It's inside of me, beneath my crawling skin.
A black hole that is swallowing me.

My fingers are clawing frantically at the air.
Grasping for something, anything...
My own voice is growing louder.
No...I resist this...I am more...

Open your eyes...OPEN your eyes...Open your EYES!

A Few Tid-Bits...

Can't say I have much enthusiasm these days. The snow is coming back, AGAIN! It's been so gloomy, with rain, sleet, snow, WIND...Have I mentioned that I have tendencies to believe I am truly living in the wrong country?! Where is the beautiful, warm sunshine?!

I realize just now that I didn't write about the visit with mom and my bro! It's been just over a week since they all left, well, like I mentioned, I have been lacking some get-up-and-go!

It was a great visit though. It had been so long since I had seen my brother, and it was wonderful for him to get the opportunity to finally meet Makiya! Also, the opportunity to get to know his special girl. We have met, but really not for any length of time, and certainly not in the way we got to spend time during this visit! It was nice to have mom and bro together as well, that had been even longer...My brother had only been here twice before, once as a child and a few years ago at Christmas, his girlfriend had never been. We all went to the Zoo, which was neat, I think they really enjoyed it! We cooked dinner for mom one night, sadly in our eyes it "didn't turn out quite right" (we inherit THAT particular gene from our father! ) , but in the end, how can you go wrong with ribs, roasted potatoes, salad and garlic toast?! We enjoyed (?!) late nights, and early mornings (good morning Makiya!) crazy conversations, several "beverages", some sunshine and parks, Red Lobster (YUM!) and time spent closely together. It was good. And like my now ex-brother-in-law, Will, used to say, "good to see you come, good to see you go!!" All in good humour, but like any good holiday, sometimes you need an extra holiday just to recover!!

Makiya has been developing "the attitude"! 16 months old, and I think we may be into the "Terrible Twos"! She has been very consistent with the "No" headshake, smiling that impish, eye-gleaming grin as she ventures forward in action she knows to be unacceptable, and adding me to her list of things she is now hitting! She is acting like such a little bumkins! She clenches her fists, goes in half circles stomping her feet, and cries "real" tears, face all squished up and red! YIKES! Is all I can say!
Her little "queen" wave is a favorite at bedtime, she pushes away from hugs and kisses with daddy, giving her little wave and now her blown kiss! Hand to the mouth for an exaggerated moment, then she throws her hand out...MMMMWWWWAAAA!!!
Have I mentioned how vain my little girl is already?! Give her anything, from a hat or purse, to a toy or book...off to the mirror she goes! She LOVES the mirror! She shows off in front of it, watches herself move, make faces, laughs this crazy little laugh, dances, stomps around...it is the most precious thing!
Her poor little eyes...no word from the doctors yet, and I guess I should give them a follow-up phone call. During the family visit, we didn't really notice her eyes straying out, but it sure has picked back up. We are constantly saying "where's your eyes?" and she'll point at it, close it and back to center...I really have a tough time with it, I know it should be just fine, and fairly easy to treat, but...I just don't want this for her!
My baby girl! My little monkey! My smart, smart girl! Mmmmwwwaaaa!!!

Mom-in-Laws birthday dinner yesterday. She came over with Hubby's sister and her two kids and we had a nice little dinner and cake. Makiya loves it when they come to play! She gets to kiss her baby cousin and play with the older 4 year old cousin. It was a nice little visit, and against my protests, my sis-in-law did all of the dishes! Such a sweet treat, let me tell you! Man I miss having a dishwasher!! Oh, a real one, I do not mean my SIL!

I finished a great book, brought by mom of course! (long story to save for another day, but we'll leave it at, Mom and myself, we LOVE books, and the many we have in our possessions will tell THAT truth!)  It has actually been months since I really read....loved it! Imperfect Birds-Anne Lamott is a great read. Check out mom's blog http://myownvelvetroom.blogspot.com/ she has a link to a great review she wrote about the book!

Well, a little rambling on...but, here's to another week!

Trust me, I Know...

I realize these things about myself...

I have a hard time with people. It takes a certain something for me to be, hmmm, open, receptive, at times even "friendly". Some of it is my "requiring past history", some of it is lack of commonality, and some can just be that type of vibe. If it doesn't "fit" into my mold, then I can just shut down. Completely. I don't do it from a need to be rude, or even an intention of being cold. I just, I don't know, have a wall that goes up. It's not that I don't have an open mind or can't accept people with thoughts/beliefs that are different from my own...but sometimes, some personalities just don't ring familiar enough, don't resonate with my being. My mind shuts down, wanders, it just refuses to engage.

Anger boils within at times. There is just that little twinge of something that can just cause an explosion inside of me, with nothing to grasp at to pull me back to earth, back to myself. Not to say I can't contain my rage, because oddly enough, over the last 9 years, I have almost perfected that act. I think that however I have managed to do it, it isn't actually enough. I am afraid that it is ALL stuffed inside somewhere...just waiting to be released. I hope that I am wrong, and that I have actually learned to release the poisons...But still the emotions can rise, and the rage can begin the battle of TRYING to show its full force.

I AM a good being, and a positive force of energy. A thoughtful, loving and caring person. I am smart, even intelligent, and capable.

I am constantly involved in the learning process. I am on a never ending journey of learning. Gaining knowledge about myself, on all levels. The vibrations, the core, the true path. I am trying to understand, love, respect and live with me, my loved ones, this world.

I can know and try to fully realize these things about myself, and still not move foward. I get stuck. I allow myself to linger...to become overwhelmed. I let myself get sucked into unnecessary dramas. The little sideshows that may directly effect me, but at the time my reaction or action will not bring about the desired effect. And of course the times where the drama should just be left alone...and yet I follow a call to get involved.

I am just having a hard time dealing with life in general these days. I can speak of relationships, those with loved ones and friends, (or lack there of), or what I SHOULD be doing, more importantly what I SHOULDN'T be doing, it could be passions and my lack of enjoyment in the ones I do have...I am just not having fun these days. I can't seem to live for and in the moment. I am not progressing in the manner I long to be, and I KNOW that I am truly in control of that.

I realize all of these things.

Somewhere inside I also know that I am on the right path. I am on MY path. The one that I have chosen. The journey I have required for myself. The road that will teach me those things that I don't fully understand yet. I am on purpose. I am where I should be. I will also survive. I will live. I WILL enjoy the good that will always come to me, from the things that I am learning.

Moments of Confusion

I always seem to feel like I am waiting on something.
Waiting for it to get better, waiting for it to get worse.
I have these beliefs, and I want so much to live by them, and I want to...
Again, always waiting...
Where is my ACTION?
What am I honestly thinking?!
TAKE the steps, make the moves!
It is NOT just going to happen,
I must get the ball rolling on my own at some point!
Where is my strength, my desire, my passion and drive?

I have all these big dreams that I can't seem to STRIVE for.
So many roadblocks, and brick walls that keep popping up.
The will to push on becomes weaker, less immediate.

That image of hope and promise...
I put that face on every morning, and
it gets lost in the day...
Before I know it, the day is done.
I want to curl up, under the covers...go numb.

There's so much more.
I know I will have it.
It will be mine!
Find the actions, trust the process, be in the moment...

Keep putting on that face.
Keep taking those baby steps, just like Makiya...
It's new, it's exciting, it's fresh...
Continue the onward motion, the energy must be spent, the direction must be followed...

Such a contradiction in terms...
I know and I don't.
I trust and I am scared.
I have the energy and strength...I want to sleep.

I have the belief. I have the desire. I own the responsibility and trust the process.
It will come, and I will ensure that it does.
Every step, every choice and each new chapter...
They are all mine.
They have all been chosen by myself.

I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am wealthy in all the areas of my life.

Well, well, well!
Wasn't that quite a little journey of it's own!
I love when I can work through the emotion of the emotion in little stages like that. This is why I write. This is why it is important for me to keep writing an important part of my life. So cathartic to just let it out, in the moment, as it's felt. Confusing in ways, yet so much sense to be found.

I am not sure why I am going to share this little...rant? that I have felt inside myself. I confuse myself at times, why should I share that part of me?

I am such a Libra. The Scales.
I see that as such an accurate description. The two sides, always at war with eachother. Weighing and re-weighing...the good and the bad, the right and the wrong...

Well, that was a serious rambling of nothingness, and yet so much.
Puzzling to some, sense to others.