Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Trust me, I Know...

I realize these things about myself...

I have a hard time with people. It takes a certain something for me to be, hmmm, open, receptive, at times even "friendly". Some of it is my "requiring past history", some of it is lack of commonality, and some can just be that type of vibe. If it doesn't "fit" into my mold, then I can just shut down. Completely. I don't do it from a need to be rude, or even an intention of being cold. I just, I don't know, have a wall that goes up. It's not that I don't have an open mind or can't accept people with thoughts/beliefs that are different from my own...but sometimes, some personalities just don't ring familiar enough, don't resonate with my being. My mind shuts down, wanders, it just refuses to engage.

Anger boils within at times. There is just that little twinge of something that can just cause an explosion inside of me, with nothing to grasp at to pull me back to earth, back to myself. Not to say I can't contain my rage, because oddly enough, over the last 9 years, I have almost perfected that act. I think that however I have managed to do it, it isn't actually enough. I am afraid that it is ALL stuffed inside somewhere...just waiting to be released. I hope that I am wrong, and that I have actually learned to release the poisons...But still the emotions can rise, and the rage can begin the battle of TRYING to show its full force.

I AM a good being, and a positive force of energy. A thoughtful, loving and caring person. I am smart, even intelligent, and capable.

I am constantly involved in the learning process. I am on a never ending journey of learning. Gaining knowledge about myself, on all levels. The vibrations, the core, the true path. I am trying to understand, love, respect and live with me, my loved ones, this world.

I can know and try to fully realize these things about myself, and still not move foward. I get stuck. I allow myself to linger...to become overwhelmed. I let myself get sucked into unnecessary dramas. The little sideshows that may directly effect me, but at the time my reaction or action will not bring about the desired effect. And of course the times where the drama should just be left alone...and yet I follow a call to get involved.

I am just having a hard time dealing with life in general these days. I can speak of relationships, those with loved ones and friends, (or lack there of), or what I SHOULD be doing, more importantly what I SHOULDN'T be doing, it could be passions and my lack of enjoyment in the ones I do have...I am just not having fun these days. I can't seem to live for and in the moment. I am not progressing in the manner I long to be, and I KNOW that I am truly in control of that.

I realize all of these things.

Somewhere inside I also know that I am on the right path. I am on MY path. The one that I have chosen. The journey I have required for myself. The road that will teach me those things that I don't fully understand yet. I am on purpose. I am where I should be. I will also survive. I will live. I WILL enjoy the good that will always come to me, from the things that I am learning.
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