Sunday, March 28, 2010

Moments of Confusion

I always seem to feel like I am waiting on something.
Waiting for it to get better, waiting for it to get worse.
I have these beliefs, and I want so much to live by them, and I want to...
Again, always waiting...
Where is my ACTION?
What am I honestly thinking?!
TAKE the steps, make the moves!
It is NOT just going to happen,
I must get the ball rolling on my own at some point!
Where is my strength, my desire, my passion and drive?

I have all these big dreams that I can't seem to STRIVE for.
So many roadblocks, and brick walls that keep popping up.
The will to push on becomes weaker, less immediate.

That image of hope and promise...
I put that face on every morning, and
it gets lost in the day...
Before I know it, the day is done.
I want to curl up, under the covers...go numb.

There's so much more.
I know I will have it.
It will be mine!
Find the actions, trust the process, be in the moment...

Keep putting on that face.
Keep taking those baby steps, just like Makiya...
It's new, it's exciting, it's fresh...
Continue the onward motion, the energy must be spent, the direction must be followed...

Such a contradiction in terms...
I know and I don't.
I trust and I am scared.
I have the energy and strength...I want to sleep.

I have the belief. I have the desire. I own the responsibility and trust the process.
It will come, and I will ensure that it does.
Every step, every choice and each new chapter...
They are all mine.
They have all been chosen by myself.

I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am wealthy in all the areas of my life.

Well, well, well!
Wasn't that quite a little journey of it's own!
I love when I can work through the emotion of the emotion in little stages like that. This is why I write. This is why it is important for me to keep writing an important part of my life. So cathartic to just let it out, in the moment, as it's felt. Confusing in ways, yet so much sense to be found.

I am not sure why I am going to share this little...rant? that I have felt inside myself. I confuse myself at times, why should I share that part of me?

I am such a Libra. The Scales.
I see that as such an accurate description. The two sides, always at war with eachother. Weighing and re-weighing...the good and the bad, the right and the wrong...

Well, that was a serious rambling of nothingness, and yet so much.
Puzzling to some, sense to others.
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