I am not very comfortable with change in many ways; which is funny because I have always had the tendency to live on the edge, take whatever comes my way and adapt as necessary. These days though, I have allowed myself to become enveloped in a cocoon of sorts; I live inside MY world, my routines, habits and I find myself irritated when something or someone breaks the monotony of my day.
(Monotony. I repeated that inside my head as I finished the sentence, and while that is the word I truly want to include at the moment, I feel as though it downplays the joy that I DO experience spending my days, tending to, teaching, playing with and all the other wonderful things that go with being the stay at home mom of my daughter. I do love my role and could not/would not change it at all. Oooh, feels like a “but” coming into play…
BUT… Without going away from what I really wanted to write about, I will simplify this: Winter, I don’t currently drive, procrastination, anxiety, change and a few other things. Enough said?)
I enjoy the pace of my day as it is; ok, I have grown accustomed to the pace that I initially set, and my daughter now maintains. I have gotten used to having her go down for her nap, while I get my quiet, alone time to write, visit blogs, research whatever is on my mind, check FB, play the odd game of Spider Solitaire on the computer and listen to my soap, Days of our Lives, playing in the background! I am used to, yes this is sad to admit, the when and where of my quick smoke breaks throughout the day. Dinnertime is typically me sitting with Makiya while she eats, and then many hours later, when hubby is home, truck unloaded and invoices etc. done, we finally sit down on the couch and eat together before going to bed. I am comfortable in shutting down the moment I put baby girl down for the night; zoning out and trying to write, staring blankly at my surroundings as my mind processes the many things that are zipping through my mind or surfing the internet…
When someone comes by for a visit or comes to stay, I am instantly wrapped up in a tense little ball inside myself. My mind races with thoughts of how to stay on track, when and where I will be able to escape to and how I am going to manage to appear sane!
I KNOW that some of my thinking is perfectly normal, and that while some of my routines with baby girl may be too much; I am a mother who wants and is trying to give only the best start in life for her daughter. I am trying to instill good habits; eating, learning, creativity… I also know that I have some areas of my thinking and living that need some review.
This brings me to the major change in my life that sits on my doorstep. A wonderful blessing really, that leaves me, while certainly happy and excited, also nervous, hesitant and uneasy at the changes that will inevitably come to my current routine. It is silly really, and I can acknowledge that simple fact, and yet I find my stomach in a ball of knots!
Why do I meet each new phase and chapter of my life with such strong resistance? I know that change is not only good, but required, and yet every time I sit looking at a new path that opens before me, I feel as though my world is ending and I don’t know how I will ever cope with the transition.
I know that the uneasy feeling that precedes major changes in our life is a GOOD thing, it is our body preparing us for the upheaval, the disruptions that will soon come. Change is necessary, it is the center of all wonderful things in our lives and our world.
Yet, I fight it with all I can. I tell myself every single negative thing that could be, usually centering only around myself, and why this new venture is actually a terrible idea. I completely look past every positive and important facet of that which is waiting and staring me in the face. I refuse to look at the prize in front of me, that is only steps away, and I get caught up in what I think, in the moment, is going to take me away from “me”. Not thinking of or realizing that I made the change occur, I brought on whatever stands before me and I made it happen on purpose. I asked for these changes in an effort to move forward, progress and succeed in all of my hopes and dreams, not only for myself, but for those I love.
I was really trying to get to the point of a change that is not only on the horizon, but sitting right before me; happening now. I am ecstatic and looking forward to growing more into myself; as a wife, a mother and step-mom. But, I am also scared as hell! I am afraid of the role in itself, the responsibility, the impact on my daughter and marriage, and selfishly, the effect on my own personal self and time in relation to the place I have now settled, comfortably or not.
I know, as I have mentioned, that I am more than capable of adapting to major changes in my life. I know that I can excel in those areas that I dedicate myself to. I know that in a short time, my feelings of confusion and wonder will be replaced with a new sense of normal and comfort.
Sigh... I guess, I just need a couple of days; to myself would be wonderful!! Which reminds me; I came across this great post the other day, and she had a great idea that any parent would be happy to indulge in I am sure! The idea of a “Willy Wonka Grandparent Day” sounds heavenly to me right about now!