Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Roadblock

I realize more and more everyday that although I am doing a wonderful thing when it comes to staying at home with my daughter, I am not really doing a single other thing that has meaning for ME. I try to write, again stuck in my head with no words coming out; but I want and need to be doing more. I have visions, expectations, hopes and dreams for my future, and I am truly doing nothing to work towards making any of it become a reality.

Something is blocking my path.

I am full of intentions, try to plan my day and still every day is beginning to run into the next. Like the movie “Groundhog Day”, I live the same day over and over again. Part of it is just the fact that I am an at-home mom I imagine, I don’t drive, so I don’t get out in the winter as often as I would like, or should, and on the subject of the season, I do get the blahs EVERY year at this time.

At the end of the day, I know that I should and could be doing so much more. The more I find to become involved with, the more I will begin to feel better, and the closer I will come to opening the doors that need to pushed wide open. And yet, I find myself asking if somewhere deep inside I am AFRAID to move forward. Of course, that is not an easy question to ask oneself, and is usually met with that insane laughter, “Ha Ha! Why would I not want to have my dreams come true?! That is ridiculous!!” But if I am not afraid on some level, what else could be holding me back? I have the power to achieve anything that I put my heart and mind into, and I KNOW that is true, so why do I insist on staying in this holding zone?

What words am I afraid to write? What people am I fearful of encountering? What potential change in my life, if I were to be successful, is frightening to me on some level when I imagine it? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of what people would think if I were to do A, B or C? Why am I afraid of exposing myself, who I am and what I have done? Why am I afraid to learn and try something totally new?

Are there things that you know you should be doing to get closer to your true self and what you truly want in your life? If so, what “fears” are in your way and how are you making the effort to push past that?
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