There's a Fire Under My Ass

Keep it simple; one word to convey my desires for 2012?

Motion.

This year I want to see more, do more and be more. In order to do that, all of my good intentions, ideas and inspirations need to be attended to; I need to get MOVING!

There have been so many things that I want to try, learn, see and yet they all sit there, in the back of my mind as grand plans for “another day”.

It’s time to DO them.

All of the things that I long to create in my life require that I take steps, forward movement, and I will never see the effect that I know they will have, the impact on my, and others, lives if I don’t light the fire under my ass and get MOVING!

I don’t need to jump off the ledge, go all crazy and dive into everything at once (ha ha, maybe I do?!), each little step is movement in the right direction. Each time I focus on now instead of later, do instead of put off, and pause to focus when I feel overwhelmed, I will be drawing myself back onto the path of my journey; again implying that I will be moving ahead.

Get moving to stay healthy physically and emotionally. Get moving to create the things I long to, from writing to crafting with Makiya, crafting for Makiya and for the home, gardening, indoors and out, crochet, sewing, cooking, educating Makiya and myself, all of these and many more things that I want to do!

Places to see, explore and enjoy are waiting, and I am tired of waiting for another day.

Today is the day to DO it! 

It's Time

"You did what you knew how to do at the time, and when you knew more, you did better." 

-Maya Angelou

I love that quote, but lately, when I think about it, I am brought to a different place; I DO know better, and yet I am not doing better; or I know better, but I can’t influence others enough for them to do better.

As I have previously written, it has been an extremely difficult year, on many levels. The lessons set before me have been plentiful, and at times I have questioned how much more I could handle. Having been strong, or at least tried to appear strong at other times, there truly is only so much one person can take on before the façade begins to show signs of wear and tear. Cracks do form, and as hard as you resist it, fight it, unless the proper care is given, those cracks spread, and quickly. Once the foundation has been affected, we all know what begins to happen. Which is where I now find myself; broken, exhausted from the weight, and crumbling at a speed I’d forgotten possible.

I know better. I know that I can’t allow myself to succumb to these feelings. I know that I can only control my own responses and actions; I hold no responsibility in those choices made by another.  I know that silence does not bring about desired change, it only ties you down and buries you deeper in the darkness. I know that the power is mine alone.

…and yet, here I find myself.

I am too tired to care some days. Other days, while still tired, the realization brings me repeatedly to tears. My energy is too low to muster much of anything productive. My mind holds me prisoner, gripping me tightly, shackling me to it; it doesn’t give me a moment to breathe freely.

I remember being here once before, many years ago, as a teenager. Back then, I couldn’t see an end in sight, I didn’t KNOW the things I have since learned. Without a sense of, well much of anything, I came to a point of truly not caring. “What’s the point?” I often asked myself. No point trying, believing or hoping because I couldn’t see that I had the only power to make any changes.

Now, thankfully, I DO know more, and I KNOW that I WILL find my way through. I have just allowed too many things and thoughts to weigh me down without properly channeling my feelings, responses and energies. With that knowledge, I must take a stand, and pull myself back to where I should be, because I have several reasons to “care, try, believe and hope.” So many reasons…

In this, my typically dreaded season, I must find a way to deeply alter my perceptions and my actions. Where I usually prefer to snuggle in, content within the darkness of the winter months, hibernating in my own manner and ignoring the outside world to some extent, I must now find a way to allow light and the joys of re-birth to slip in a little early. I can’t allow myself to remain tucked away, wallowing in the muck. I have got to find a way to wake up; return to myself and life. I need to find the way back to my source, to the energies that are required and desired.

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Carlos Castaneda

Why Didn't I Do ______?

Have you ever wanted to do or say something that you FELT inside that you probably shouldn’t? Maybe it’s something new, a new love, a job; it could be so many different things…


You think of those words/actions, that thing you WANT to do, something you so desperately desire to express, and your heart begins to race? Your skin suddenly feels tingly, and you feel your body temperature rise. Your feet feel light, almost as if you are skipping in delight and your hands begin to tremble. You feel giddy; like a child exploring something new and exciting for the very first time! You want to scream out; the anticipation almost too much to contain! You hear the words or see your actions, and they continue to play in your mind; over and over. You envision the scenario; you know it and feel it with every fiber of your being. It seems to have become a part of you inside and out.

Then the moment comes. You completely miss the opportunity. Well, you don’t miss it; you opt to take a pass on your chance. Was it because you KNEW better? Was it because you were scared? All you know for sure is that your heart was pounding, you were sweating like you had just ran a marathon and you felt that same giddiness throughout your body. You feel an overwhelming sensation of LET DOWN. You feel disappointment in yourself, curiousity towards the nature of your NON-REACTION. You missed it; the moment you dreamed of is suddenly gone in an instant…

Every path that we choose takes us somewhere special. It takes us to a place where we learn. If we choose the path, it is for a reason; we were meant to walk that journey. If we opt out, and go a different route, we did that on purpose too. Lesson learned, wrong time and place; there was something else meant for us in the moment. We weren’t ready for that particular adventure yet, or, even, maybe at all.