Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Turning Points

As an insecure child who had recently begun to find herself, starting her first year in high school at age 12 with a back brace was a serious problem. She hadn’t managed to fully connect with her new found confidence yet, and this new factor only brought about a deeper and scarier lack of acceptance of herself. She was too self conscious to be honest and up front; she couldn’t admit to anyone that she had a condition, Scoliosis, which required her wearing the brace to correct her spine. She, instead, drew closer to herself and farther away from all of the new people she was faced with in the classrooms and hallways. She dreaded the rush between classes, afraid that someone would bump into her and notice that beneath her clothing, something felt odd. She tried, effortlessly, to avoid gym class; not wanting anyone to see her remove the brace, she would hide in the shower stalls to change clothes. She certainly couldn’t get close to any boys, for fear that they would judge and tease her. So, for the most part, she kept it hidden. She changed her clothing style, she adopted a different way of carrying herself and interacting with others. She hid the most delicate parts of herself then…and still does in many ways…


I look back now and can see what an injustice I did myself. I allowed myself to remain silent and to be an unwilling participant in so many opportunities; out of fear. Fear of the unknown I can only deduce, because now I see what a small part of our lives that time really is. I watch the new movies and tv shows about high school, and honestly it makes me kick myself EVERYTIME! While of course I recognize and have gratitude for the way I spent those years instead, but in other ways I sometimes feel that I robbed myself by allowing my insecurities to turn me down a different path.

Just as it was when I “broke free” of the spell my parents held over me as a child, I exploded onto the scene of my life when I lost that brace. I really AM grateful that I have walked in my own shoes, but, there are times when one takes a moment to pause and wonder…

Would I trade it now; would I choose to do it differently?

A loud and clear “NO” flashes before my eyes.


Oh, this is causing the wheels of the mind to spin; deeper into the insight I go...!!
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