Wishing You a Wonderful New Year!

This past year I have been shown much love, understanding, support and empathy from so many of you out there; the people I may not have seen in years and those of you I only know through writing and have yet to meet.

I have once again been shown what a magnificent power this platform, that of on-line social networking, truly has. I’ve been a part of communities that have shown unbelievable love and strength, and that taught courage while instilling wisdom.

I am so grateful for all of you.

On days when a smile is far from reality, YOU have brought me a laugh. During difficult times, I was reminded how lucky I am. My heart was opened, and shown the beautiful pieces of this life that we sometimes lose sight of. We encouraged one another, sometimes guided them or led them back from darkness. We were there for each other, when we needed it and how we needed it.

We have cried together, laughed together and learned together, all while sitting behind our OWN computers, and I find that to be an amazing gift that we have been lucky enough to share.

I can’t wait to be there, together again, as we continue along on our journeys! Have fun, keep smiling, writing, drawing, capturing photo’s, whatever is your passion, DO IT, and keep learning and growing as you do!

Wishing you ALL the best in 2012!

Good Riddance Day

Today is Good Riddance Day; the day we are to say goodbye to all those negative things from 2011.

I don’t know, this one grabbed me this morning and hasn’t left my mind all day long. I would suppose that we should make it a part of who we are, become practiced at, releasing those things that hold us back; physically, emotionally, or otherwise. But, especially now, as we come to the end of 2011 and prepare to walk onto the path of 2012, it actually makes sense to me, after the year I have been through; I deserve to make it a moment, and really say farewell to the thoughts and feelings that have followed and haunted me, month after month, day after day. I actually feel as though I should be burning a white candle as I write this! 

In the spirit of a new year, a fresh start, I let go of all the thoughts that held fear and doubt; those that prevented me from believing that I could do things in a different way than previously, or even differently than most others would choose.

I let silence live where it should, and welcome my voice back.

I say goodbye to “wrong” and invite my RIGHTS home.

.

I release overwhelming loss and sadness; transforming it into acceptance, light and love.

I say goodbye to “dis-ease” and delight in health and growth.

I let go of just existing, putting one foot in front of the other, and excitedly look forward to LIFE!

I toss anger, regret and worry out the door, reminding myself that I, no one else, have the power on my journey.

I will remove “Can’t” from my vocabulary, because in nearly all instances, (as I constantly remind my daughter), we can do ANYTHING we put our minds to.

I deny the lies, those of others, or the ones I have told myself, and bask in the glow of truth and honesty.

I will, again, release guilt and shame, consciously accepting the facts as within my control and/or part of what it took to bring me to the place and person I am becoming.

I knock down the walls that I, yet again, have built and allow everything negative, all of the demons, to run, scuttle and cower away for good.

So, I say goodbye and “good riddance” to 2011, acknowledging the lessons, gifts and growth that were given to me; accepting and welcoming the spark that was ignited amidst the turmoil.

Hello 2012!

“Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion. Everything invites me to cherish it.” 

- Ninon de Lenclos

(Okay, after I finished writing, I DID grab a candle, read this aloud and blew out the candle; literally releasing the negative with my exhale! My heart began to race, I felt excited and giddy! When I blew out the candle, it felt cleansing and I revelled in watching the smoke, that came from the wick, dissipate!)

Finding My Way Through the Storm

I don’t know how or why, but there are so many things about life, myself and my hopes and dreams that I, early on, seemed to have just taken a sit back, expectant, it will come to me type of view upon. I kind of took for granted, assumed, that things would work out and I would end up, magically in the life I envisioned.

Ridiculously, I took the rest with a grain of salt, seeing it as par for the course, part of the journey “there”, and expected it to work itself out, without any help from me. The little nagging details that sometimes accompany situations, people etc., the things I foolishly ignored or turned the other cheek to; as if it would all just disappear in time and I wouldn’t have to face it.

It seems as though many of those ignored matters are suddenly blasting towards me, with their sing-song voices screaming “Aha ha ha!! Found you! We’ve been waiting for you!”

The repercussions of said ignorance can sneak up on you, and, suddenly, tear the very ground you stand upon out from beneath you. And there you sit, amidst the rubble, realizing that you should have kept your eyes, ears and mouth open. You are the one who led yourself to this point, and there is no longer a finger to point at anyone but the image that stares back at you in the mirror.

While that “inner voice of my source” that I often speak of reminds me, again, that it was all meant to be, I cannot help but shake my head at the naivety of my younger self.

Then, I have to shake myself back to the present, and in a louder, stronger voice say “STOP!” The only options I have are to move forward from HERE. There will never be changing any of my mistakes, only learning from them, and finding a remedy or changing the things that are still in my hands, or at least close enough that I could still do the RIGHT thing.

I suddenly feel as though I am the baby tornado, growing into its full fury and ferocity. Larger and larger it becomes, causing chaos and destruction along its path, until, hopefully soon, the storm passes and the tornado dissipates.

This change that lies before me on the horizon, I can see the strength that comes with it. I know that denials will no longer fit; they will seem to be a foreign and unwelcome state of mind. All that I want will come to be, and will be because of ME. 

Another Year... another leg of my journey...

As the year comes to an end, once again I find myself contemplating what has happened this year and what I hope to achieve, do, change in the New Year. I have never been good with resolutions, and even in changing my inner dialogue as to my plans for the year ahead, I cannot seem to ever keep up with them.

I hope this year is different.

Last January, I laughed in the face of silly horoscope predicting a year of tears and while not finalizing a plan, intended to get serious about my writing and submitting, and hoped to forge my way into some type of home based income. FAIL.

It certainly has been a year full of tears, personal revelations and a progressive shift in my outlook on life. With all that has happened, all I have learned, re-visited etc., I should think I have more than enough emotions, feelings and thoughts to work out through my writing, and therefore I should be able to get a lot of pieces finished, and, submitted all over the place! The changes that I feel myself upon, could more than benefit from my finding a way to earning some type of income, so I should hope that idea becomes more of a plan!

I know that the months that lay ahead for me also hold plenty more learning, growing and change. I know that my tears aren’t done falling and there will be more pain inducing situations. Am I more prepared for what lies ahead? Probably not. Am I still afraid, of what I’ve learned, what I haven’t and what could be? Absolutely. Am I ready?

Ready or not, here comes the New Year, and I do know that it will all play out just as it should.

 I know that I am on my way, and I know it is all for a reason; my purpose, my journey.

Painful Decisions

While on my way to the doctor this morning, I was overcome by the all too familiar sense of panic and anxiety. I have always found myself with a racing heart, jitters and an over active mind when faced with a doctor’s appointment of any kind. Perhaps it has worsened over the years, after experiencing several ectopic pregnancies, ovarian cysts that had to be removed, emergency surgeries, numerous doctors and ignored or unexplained pain and concerns. 

I find myself almost sick, physically, as I sit and wait for my name to be called, worried that I will be questioned about my apparent fear and nerves. This morning as I felt myself being swept away, I paused and forced myself to take the slow cleansing breaths.  “In through the nose, out through the mouth…” I repeated to myself, “breathe in the fresh, clean and new, breathe out and let the ugly, worry and dis-ease go with it…”, and it seemed to work, at least a little, until I walked into the examination room.

Already aware of the options about to be set before me, my mind begins to wander, exploring the feelings I thought I had sorted out. How I got to this place, what I always wanted, what was taken from me, what I hope for and what I know is likely not a possibility, all of these thoughts bubbling away inside my body. The unfairness, some of which I brought on myself, some of which leaves me with little options of my own, left to make decisions that must deeply consider another, others. And then the “Why?” of it all, why do the choices required for MY body have to depend upon the input, or even at times decisions, of others? Obviously the answer to that sits before me; because I have a heart do I consider others in making my decision and because a part of me has decided that is the “right” path to take.

As I sit before the doctor, it is almost as though he is a co-conspirator in this ploy to have the decision made for me. “Talk to your husband.” Well, okay, fair enough, of course I will. “Whatever you do, don’t get on the internet, don’t talk to your friends, aunts, grandma’s and neighbours. Everyone has an opinion, everyone is an expert. Don’t do it.”, the doctor tells me with a smile. So, again, take YOUR opinion as the “expert” one, and just let you take it from there?

For over fifteen years I have dealt with, at times, excruciating and unbearable, abdominal pain that has NEVER been firmly diagnosed. I have suffered numerous ectopic pregnancies, cysts that had to be removed surgically, laparoscopies to search for a cause of my pain, already pumped full of pain-killers, on my way into surgery pressured, and convinced, to have my tubes removed, and then I was told “Well, if it IS Endometriosis, many women find the symptoms disappear after pregnancy, we’ll put you on the list with the Fertility Clinic.” While of course that was not the reason I/we chose to get pregnant, it was like an appeal to my heart, the door had FINALLY opened, I was getting the longed for referral, I would have my chance!! And so, the In-Vitro Fertilization path was opened up. While words cannot ever describe how WORTH it the end result is, that is an extremely difficult road to trek. Pain? YES! Emotionally, physically and everything in between! I, being the “extra-special” case that I am, of course ran into complications. Amidst already invasive procedures, several drugs that play with your hormones and therefor your emotions, injecting MYSELF twice daily, nasal sprays, examination after examination, I then ran into complications, OHSS, Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. My ovaries swelled beyond the size of grapefruits and I was SICK and in more PAIN, I even had to have several gallons of blood DRAINED from my belly, while I was awake. Procedures said to be “uncomfortable” were excruciating for me, including the embryo transfer which left me in an agony I can hardly describe. Next came pregnancy, hard to be excited when I was sick 24/7, scared because of pain and other symptoms. Then, back labour that lasted the entire month leading up to delivery day. Oh my, let me just say that actually delivering her was NOTHING in comparison, I have never been in that much pain in my life, for a month!! Again, all worth it in the end!

The pains that were hopefully to disappear after having my baby girl? Worse, worse and worse. I began to experience new symptoms, which included belly button pain. All around my belly button, for 3 years now, feels permanently bruised, I’ve even had it turn black. This summer, it has begun to change again, for the worse. Pains that are worse than ever before, cramping that goes into my back and down my legs, at times comparable to contractions; I’ve even had to breathe as I did while I was in labour to make it through some of the episodes, nausea and a few other symptoms.

So while the other, complicated, decision regarding venturing down the IVF path again has been weighing heavily upon me already, I am now forced to look upon it all with yet another sense of urgency, a new vantage point.

To go through another exploratory, temporary removal of problems, laparoscopy to FINALLY make a diagnosis (hopefully), choose the undesirable, likely unhelpful option of Birth Control Pill/IUD, OR, the ultimate, end decision, to go ahead and have the hysterectomy…

Tonight, I sit here feeling drained. So many of these thoughts have already been on my mind for years, for months I have known that I was approaching surgery, likely of the exploratory nature, and fully knowing that a hysterectomy lays ahead for me. And yet, my mind and heart feel unsettled. The worries of future regret in choosing NOT to have another child, surgery all in itself, thinking that perhaps I really should turn to a natural approach, at least fully investigate it, taking of course MORE time, and then of course the finality involved in having a hysterectomy.

In the end I know, from somewhere deep within, that whatever choice I make now will be the RIGHT one, the intended journey etc., and yet, I can’t help feeling as though there will be a sense of regret/”wrong” in whatever I choose.

“In the infinity of life where I am,

All is perfect, whole and complete.

I recognize my body as a good friend.

Each cell in my body has Divine Intelligence.

|I listen to what it tells me, and

Know that it’s advice is valid.

I am always safe, and

Divinity protected and guided.

I CHOOSE to be healthy and free.

All is well in my world.”

I believe this is from Louise Hay, my apologies if I am incorrect.

It's Time

"You did what you knew how to do at the time, and when you knew more, you did better." 

-Maya Angelou

I love that quote, but lately, when I think about it, I am brought to a different place; I DO know better, and yet I am not doing better; or I know better, but I can’t influence others enough for them to do better.

As I have previously written, it has been an extremely difficult year, on many levels. The lessons set before me have been plentiful, and at times I have questioned how much more I could handle. Having been strong, or at least tried to appear strong at other times, there truly is only so much one person can take on before the façade begins to show signs of wear and tear. Cracks do form, and as hard as you resist it, fight it, unless the proper care is given, those cracks spread, and quickly. Once the foundation has been affected, we all know what begins to happen. Which is where I now find myself; broken, exhausted from the weight, and crumbling at a speed I’d forgotten possible.

I know better. I know that I can’t allow myself to succumb to these feelings. I know that I can only control my own responses and actions; I hold no responsibility in those choices made by another.  I know that silence does not bring about desired change, it only ties you down and buries you deeper in the darkness. I know that the power is mine alone.

…and yet, here I find myself.

I am too tired to care some days. Other days, while still tired, the realization brings me repeatedly to tears. My energy is too low to muster much of anything productive. My mind holds me prisoner, gripping me tightly, shackling me to it; it doesn’t give me a moment to breathe freely.

I remember being here once before, many years ago, as a teenager. Back then, I couldn’t see an end in sight, I didn’t KNOW the things I have since learned. Without a sense of, well much of anything, I came to a point of truly not caring. “What’s the point?” I often asked myself. No point trying, believing or hoping because I couldn’t see that I had the only power to make any changes.

Now, thankfully, I DO know more, and I KNOW that I WILL find my way through. I have just allowed too many things and thoughts to weigh me down without properly channeling my feelings, responses and energies. With that knowledge, I must take a stand, and pull myself back to where I should be, because I have several reasons to “care, try, believe and hope.” So many reasons…

In this, my typically dreaded season, I must find a way to deeply alter my perceptions and my actions. Where I usually prefer to snuggle in, content within the darkness of the winter months, hibernating in my own manner and ignoring the outside world to some extent, I must now find a way to allow light and the joys of re-birth to slip in a little early. I can’t allow myself to remain tucked away, wallowing in the muck. I have got to find a way to wake up; return to myself and life. I need to find the way back to my source, to the energies that are required and desired.

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Carlos Castaneda

Losing a Friend

Losing touch with someone close to you is never easy. You watch them slip and slide backwards, sometimes repeatedly, sometimes suddenly; sometimes both. You witness them change before your eyes, becoming a different person; someone that is capable of frightening actions and words. You know that they are in trouble and you reach your hand out, often and relentlessly. Your compassion only met by anger and rejection. You see them losing themselves and struggle to understand how you can help them. You feel their own confusion so thick it chokes you, and yet they can’t see it for themselves. You beg and plead, cry and scream, and nothing seems to work. It is suddenly like they have literally gone blind to their own previous thoughts, hopes, beliefs and dreams; they ARE different. Every once in awhile there is a glimmer of that person they once were, but it seems so rare that you know you are now dealing with a stranger. The person you loved is gone, nowhere to be found, no matter how hard you search for them.


Once you come to this final realization, you are beyond drained and feeling completely alone. It is one of the hardest things to live through, the depths you reach depending on who this person was to you. Nothing makes it easier as you go through it, nothing can ease the pain that comes from grieving the loss of someone special in your life. You feel overwhelming sadness and cry more tears, ones you didn’t even think were left behind your eyes.

But, in the end, you find the strength that was inside of you all along. You now know that you’re friend is no longer the friend they once were, and you needed to part ways in order to move forward.

Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.


It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

Lessons in Gardening

Among many other aspects in my life and mind that have begun to alter, a growing desire to eat healthier has been taking place over the past few years. It’s not something that I just decided to do, and not something I have managed to maintain constantly either. Some subtle, conscious changes in choice have taken root and continue to want to flourish.

This year, for the first time in eight years, my husband and I planted a garden. Planning gave way to spontaneity and excitement, and roughly a month late in the season, we planted vegetables and herbs. We didn’t consider much beyond getting seeds in the ground, and I quickly discovered that I would view this year as our getting back to it/learning season. We were excited to see many things come up, and disappointed to see other things fail.

Peas that were planted beneath a home-made “arbour” made of branches from the yard, quickly became food for the baby birds that took residence in the yard after the loss of our cat. The pumpkin, lovingly planted by Makiya and Grandma, first found trouble when Makiya stepped on it. When it finally healed itself and sprouted two leaves, Makiya’s excitement took over and she plucked them off. Patiently, and hopefully, we waited and watched, only to come out one morning to discover the birds had again been feasting; they plucked the thing straight out of the ground, leaving a hole in the ground! Spinach that we enjoyed for a short time, turned to seed and had to be removed. Radish sprouts were enjoyed, before they, sadly, also went to seed.

Over in my herb garden, we faced many trials; starting with the dog refusing to obey, and consistently making his bed in my Rosemary and Dill seeds. I tried repeatedly to take control, even adding some extra seeds in the hopes of seeing something! The Dill managed to come in quite strong, only to be recently, and finally, destroyed. On the other side, eavestrough issues and downpours have continually drowned my Basil, Oregano and Green Onions.

However, on the bright side of this garden adventure, we have enjoyed spending time working together and talking about what we will have and what we will do differently in the future. We are still enjoying and looking forward to the Sunflower, Zucchini, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Beets, Carrots, Thyme, Parsley, Chives and Basil. We also got excited enough to continue on this journey, that I convinced hubby to keep his eye out on the job for old windows and other materials, which I am thrilled to now have ready to go in the backyard!

A season of learning no doubt! But I am more than excited to be en route in this new little adventure that will only bring good to us in many ways!

Nurturing the Inside

It is a cool day today, grey and drizzly; certainly not what I would typically define as one of my favorite kind of days. Yet, days ago as I discovered what was coming on the weather forecast, I realized I was looking forward to a couple of days inside. I felt a desire to be in, where I could tend to the inside parts of my home, the pieces that are needed to perform daily rituals; the bits that had been stretched and ignored in the midst of gorgeous, sunshine filled, warm days. I was oddly excited to be stuck inside!

My morning began slowly, and I found the energy I planned to exhaust with cleaning and sorting to be non-existent from the get go. I pushed through, and slowly managed to get to the places that needed attention. Among the usual chores of dishes, floors, kitchen etc, I had many extras that I needed to deal with. I had yet to straighten out Makiya’s playroom from Grandma’s recent visit, bedding, toys out of place, new pieces to fit in, and I got to that. I had a closet overflowing with new crafting supplies and learning tools, I got to it, better organized, but no less full! Hubby was stuck home today as well, so I was able to enlist his help to get the new sling bookshelf that Grandma bought completed for Makiya’s plentitude of books! I would like to have gotten more done, but it was nice to have hubby home to help occupy baby girl while I got to the things that would have been difficult and time consuming had she been on my heels.

While I have a ways to go yet in getting this “Fall Preparation” done, all in all, it was a good day.

I sit here now, feeling relaxed enough to sit down and find my words; another “inside part” that needed some nurturing. It has been a long summer in many ways, and I found that I often, almost intentionally, denied myself even a moment to write. I almost refused those parts of my mind to awaken. Perhaps because the many things that have made not only the summer, but this past year, long, are places I wasn’t ready to travel to, fully, inside of myself.

Today, however, the spark has been re-ignited; I hope in many ways.

Old Writing - Once Lost and Forgotten

I was a little surprised, on a few levels, when I came across these last night. I had written them between 1997 and 1999, when I was only just entering my twenties…

March 5/1997

I see it by daylight.

I feel it by nightfall.

Consumed by this heart wrenching dream.

Life doesn’t exist…

Time tolerated only by means

that keep this alive and strong…

All inside of me.

Impossible to believe anything,

it’s tearing me apart!

This powerful grip on me,

It guides me, no,

pushes me forward,

Amidst the cemetary trees,

through the demonic graves,

along the horrifying path of the past.

A dim light ahead,

too weak to provide any comfort,

too far for any sort of direction.

What is this nightmare?

Where did it come from?

What is the purpose of this hellish tour?

Silence has begun to suffocate,

searching for relief…

    I lift my face from my pillow.

    Wipe the tears away with my sleeve.

    Look deep and hard…into my eyes…

    Darkness. Empty. Fright. Nothing.

    I lay my head back down.

    Close my eyes.

Nothing else to do, but,

return…

Back in the falling rain,

Surrounded by hidden visions.

March 10/1997


A sweet little girl,
    Soft blonde hair sparkling,
Stands innocently in the sunshine.
A horrifying,
        Dark cloud,
Lingering…
Like a spring rain
    Turning
Into a vicious hurricane,
Her life is torn apart.
A painfully quiet girl,
Darkness inside and out,
Sits in the shadows.
Like a mute:
    See all,
           Hear all,
Say nothing at all.
A cold and bitter girl?
Seen it, done it,
Nothing matters, but
Not surprised.
Worn out,
Tired from the journey…
Just like an old rug…
Walked all over,
        Then…
Tossed away.
There is no more sunshine,
Hasn’t been for years…
Just a constant downpour…
But, that sweet little girl?
She still waits…
Lost innocence, but
The memories…
    Of a sparkling sunny,
        Hope filled time…
Before the hurricane…
The memories keep her
Safe and warm
In the arms
Of the future.

October 29/1998


I saw and felt a scene from Hell
playing out before me.
I was trapped, for what felt like an eternity, and
hard as I tried to find my way back,
I was lost.
I couldn’t see anything in the thick fog, and
I felt suffocated by the darkness of it all.
Reason and Reality seemed like concepts of a
foreign place from that where I was forced to inhabit.
It was like revisiting, in a nightmarish haze,
The past, my past.
I was on fire.
Burning, searing pain that
Consumed me…
It made all the goodness seem like
A dream,
Fading before my open eyes.
I searched for comfort in my source of sunlight, but
All I found was an evil demon
Playing tricks on my eyes, heart and soul.
I felt betrayed, but
Was so confused
That I couldn’t see…
The leader of this twisted game was not my love,
But a being of the Devils own creation.
I had been stalked, hunted, preyed upon…
And I laughed in the face of it all.
I’d beaten this horror once before, and
Believed I was above it.
But, the reminder came,
Like a slap in the face.
It found a hole in my armour,
A weakness…
And proceeded to work at it until,
In the blink of an eye,
I crumbled to pieces of dust blowing in the air.
Gone.
Once again,
A drifting, lost soul.
Drowning in the rain that is my tears.

Always Remember - April 21/1999

Sometimes your mind slips into
The past, flooding with memories
So vividly real.
Tastes, smells, feelings…
They all come back.
Sometimes a face or a voice sticks out above the rest.
Sometimes you wish it would go away.
You pause and wonder.
Curiousity mixed with pain.
Where is that face now?
Have they found a happiness like your own?
Are they still troubled by all we once were?
Have they thought of you?
A door that never was closed,
Swings open wide.
Truths that only you knew,
Haunt.
Answers you always wanted,
But never got.
Sympathy for their disasters…
But, wait…
You don’t know these faces anymore.
Years have passed.
Years.
The time always comes…
Time to put the ghosts to rest.
They just don’t belong.
Like putting toys in the toybox where they belong;
You still want to play,
But you must grow up.
The memories flit past your minds eye…
Hesitating…
Pleading…
“Don’t forget.”
The hushed oath, hidden…
Not forgotten…
“For as long as you remember, I shall never forget…”

May 2/1999

I woke up one day to find
My eyes were no longer my own.
They belonged to someone
    tired,
        someone in pain.
I realized it really was me.
The real me,
the one behind the mask.
The one who had seen too much,
        too soon.

I woke up one morning, and
found my eyes alive again.
They reflected love, hope…
…life…
I knew it was me, and
thought that I had a chance.

Then…
I looked into my eyes again.
I saw pain and exhaustion.
I had tried,
Had faith,
Had love…
Had failed to live.
The sunshine in my eyes
Had burned away.

May 26/1999

My eyes are reflecting…
        Beautiful blue skies,
gorgeous green grass, assorted vibrant flowers, and…
                    with little wandering steps,
         tiny pink legs.
Chubby little pink legs, that reach up
to a chubby face topped with soft blonde hair.
Mischievious blue eyes curiously searching
everything,
        learning…
Soft little hands exploring everything
within reach,
anxious to discover this world she is still new to.
Sweet little gurgles and giggles of wonderment,
like music to my ears.
Scraped knees from stumbling first steps,
        tiny dirt streaks color the pink cheeks
of this amazing little package.
This heavenly little gift is a child.
These words a reflection...
Of the child that might’ve been mine.

Thoughts on Fear -- July 5/1999

Fear is a powerful feeling that leaves you powerless.
It consumes, devours, destroys.
It is a stranger on a dark street.
It is a lover holding you in his arms.
Fear is real.
Fear is fantasy.
Fear is control.
Fear is reckless.
It knows your darkest, deepest secrets.
It knows your dreams.
Fear hunts and stalks.
Fear is old, and all too new.
It is like a weed…
Growing and growing…
Killing as it’s roots take hold.
It distorts reality,
Clouds your mind,
Filling your soul.
Fear is danger.
Fear is safety.
Fear is a decision to give up on yourself.

RIP Shamos

Shamos.

February 2000 - June 2011

Our “Ca-Dog”, our best friend.

I nursed you as you were a sick kitten, pooping all over yourself, bathing you constantly and daily in the bathroom sink.

As a baby, you would find your way under the blankets at night to stretch out beside me as though you were a person.

You were a camper from early on; I remember the first trip where you dashed across the creek and straight up a tree. Shortly after, you were content upon a tarped inner tube on the dead river. Sitting on my lap like a child in front of the campfire, later on a jacket; no fear, only warmth, comfort and staring into the glow of the fire…

You loved road trips, jumping right in the truck at the mention of it.

You joined a pack of wild kitties in Quebec, we thought we had lost you…but there you were that night, eyes shining in the moonlight, staring back at me…

Tinfoil balls were one of your favorites…chasing and bringing it back to do it all over again!

You had a few favorite places to sleep; the bathroom sink, closets (after dragging whatever clothes you could into the perfect pile), bags of any kind (purses, backpacks, suitcases, and it didn’t matter whose it was!),hammocks and trees…

The usual; birds and mice, throw in the few rabbits you enjoyed! And you had to show off your catches, bringing them home to proudly toss around and pounce on.

We swore you were a truck driver in your past life! You had the complete opposite reaction as to when any other vehicle, large or small went by; when a semi when by, you sat back, relaxed and squinted your eyes happily and contentedly, watching it pass.

Helping dad with the trucks; sitting right up under the hood, watching…as though you would pick up a wrench if you could…

You were never a cat guy, preferring to befriend the larger dogs, instantly.

Attitude? Absolutely! The day we warned and warned Russie to move his belongings (keys, water, cell, etc.) from “your” window table; he didn’t listen, and you sat there looking at your spot and back at him. It wasn’t long before you stretched your paw up, and with one swipe, brought everything down!

A&W fries were of your first favorites, early on. Beef Jerky; stolen from my work bag in the night! Later on chips, preferably cheddar! We had movie night in bed, there you were of course, and we munched on our Au Gratin chips. Later, we went to clean it all up and discovered that you to had been enjoying a snack with us; you had chewed the bottom corner open to eat chips too! Pull the cheese out of the fridge, no matter where you were in the house, you came running! Tuna too, always at the ready when you heard a can being opened!

You and that crow…we would wake up to you arguing, for hours, every day; there you were sitting screaming up at him, and he sitting up on the wires or in the tree, screaming downing at you!

Playing in the yard with that silly kid toy, the yellow, hard plastic, alien character; we played “catch” for ever!

Your all time favorite toy though, was your Honeysuckle log… rolling around, flipping it, dragging it…

After we got married and hit the highway to come home, (yes of course you were with us!) we almost lost you…Heh, I don’t blame you, I didn’t want to leave BC either!

Our walks to 7-11…that block and a half that you would walk freely with us, hide in the alley, behind the dumpster waiting for us…as soon as we came out and said your name, there you were, ready to resume the journey!

Walking with dad and Bo up and down the alleys…

Every night, you came to sleep with us. Many times, especially when you were young, I would wake with you sleeping ON my head!

Scratching and talking on dad’s side of the bed every morning; “Get up…Time to get going…Feed me…let me out!!”

Cuddles with Makiya in the morning…letting her grab you, hug you and sing to you. She brought you books to read, treats everyday (even hand fed at times!), she brought you your toys, even shared hers with you…

You were never just a cat, you were a part of our family, our best friend. You were MY baby, my “first”… So many memories… So many adventures. You had an amazing life.

We will never forget you. You will always be with us. We love you. We miss you so much….

The Universe Speaks in Mysterious Ways

Those little moments of “coincidence” or when we are awakened by a voice, a sign or a feeling that comes to us apparently randomly; I love them! I am always amazed, pleasantly surprised, and of course grateful when my eyes are opened to the magic that IS this universe, this energy source that we are a part of; that we ARE.

I have noticed lately that the word drawbridge keeps coming to me from random sources. It’s in my mind like a flashing neon sign. This morning I decided to look up its meaning to see if I could understand what the word is trying to tell me. I came across several dream definitions that immediately spoke to me with a sense of “aha”.

One definition was of European origin and stated that to dream of a drawbridge “means that one will have to persist despite obstacles an unexpected journey”, another site offered that “Seeing a drawbridge in your dream, represents protection. You may feel that some relationship or situation is too invasive. It may also mean that you are drawing the line and seeing or eating boundaries.”

The meanings that I found had meaning to ME. I was, for the first time in some time, given a little inner giggle of delight. What I read spoke exactly of what I was feeling inside, they shone light inside my mind and instantly reminded me of my path; I am where I am supposed to be, as always.

I need to find some silence, a moment to pause and be still. The whispers of truth will speak to me; they are speaking to me, I just haven’t been listening.

This Girl of Ours

Well, it seems others take much more pleasure from the current antics of my daughter than I, so I thought I would update you on her “attitude” and such!

The main point I must include being that her strengths are certainly growing stronger!

While the little voice inside begs to be heard and is constantly trying to remind me, I often find myself in battles with baby girl. I allow myself to engage, which only leads to her screaming at the top of her lungs into my face. There is nothing that I can say in those moments (nor that I should say!), and not regularly enough, she finds herself in her beloved “time-out”. (I have realized that her putting herself into time out is her reminder to me that I am lacking in consistency; I am not sticking with our choice of discipline and she is letting me know I need to get to it!)

During the difficult times we have endured in these past months, and additional people that have been an influence on her, Makiya has also picked up, and quickly learned the correct usage of certain, umm, undesirable words. Luckily for me, at the time they sound more like “sit” and “pssd”, but nonetheless, she is saying them and at the right time. As hard as I try to ignore her, she comes right up to my face, a smile on hers and repeats it; in those cases I FINALLY resort to a calm, nonchalant “That’s enough.” While truly not funny, I cannot remove the image from my mind of her and her older cousin a couple of weeks ago caught in a tug o’war battle over his skateboard. When I finally intervened and removed the board, she stood there, crossed her arms and said “SIT!” Yes I know honey, life is frustrating!

Last weekend, playing with her new friend quite happily for hours, she suddenly turns wicked. Only mere moments after giving her friend a big hug, she stops. She slowly unzipped her sweater, pulled herself out of it, (typically something that requires “help mommy” at home) and proceeded to swing around and “whip” this poor girl with her it!

Her sweetness comes out in silent moments when she’ll suddenly turn to me and ask “Evthing ok mommy?” Siiighh.

Rambling to myself as I went through recipes yesterday, she turns around to look at me, palms up in the air and asks “What’d you say mommy?”

Today, I let out a noise as I burned myself removing muffins from the oven. She comes back up the stairs and says “What’s up?” I shook my head, did I really hear that? I ask her if she really just said “What’s up?” and she says “Yes, what happened?” Oh this girl just amuses me to no end!

Her favorite character is Curious George (recently being joined by Dora the Explorer) and her whole world is about George. No matter what she does or says, she will tell us that “George do this too”! Everything is likened to George and that Man in the Yellow Hat!

She is reciting her ABC’s perfectly now. Not only does she count 1 to 10, she goes back and does 10 to 1! Add to that, she is able to tell us what Cat, Dog, Zoo, Mom, Dad, No, Go and Makiya are when we spell it aloud for her, as she sees it on paper and spells it out, she is also getting these and a few more!

Oh this girl is too smart for her parents own good!

Marriage

There are days when you can barely look in them in the face for fear of saying or doing something you may regret; sooner or later.


There are days you wake up and can’t wait to look into their eyes, spend all day with them, do anything and everything with them; TODAY!

There are hard days.

There are days you know you will cherish and laugh about for years to come.

Some days it’s easy.

Some days, it’s hard as hell.

Some days you laugh.

Some days you cry.

Some days you can’t wait for them to walk out the door.

Other days, you wish they could call in sick.

There are days you reminisce about your wedding day.

Then, there those days you wonder “what was I thinking?!”

There are days you smile.

There are days you scream and yell.

There are days you don’t think you will ever survive.

There are the days you ask yourself how you got so lucky.

We love and we hate.

We adore and we despise.

Most days, we simply try.

We do the best that we can.

Marriage. It isn’t easy. It isn’t without hard work. It isn’t without strength and endurance. It is about tolerance and perseverance. It is about trust. It is about growth.

It is an amazing journey.

I Can Do It

I have been feeling like a child who sits in the backseat of a car; a little too small to see the entire world, windows rolled up, prevent me from hearing the world that goes on around me.

I know there is life out there, outside my door, beyond my yard. But I am restrained. That silver chain that tethers my physical self to the self that resides in spirit and energy is too tight, it keeps me close; too close to spread my wings, to allow my heart to soar, to allow me move forward. I try to speak and all that comes out is less than a whisper.

I go back to that child, and I open the car door. I let her out to explore, to feel and experience life. I watch her with pleasure and joy greater than I can contain. I feel the tears spill onto my cheeks, and they comfort me in that moment.

I see the light in her eyes. I hear her laughter and squeals of delight as she discovers the world that exists at her very fingertips. I feel the warmth that exudes from her tiny body.

I reach out for her and feel the chain loosen its grip on me.

I can do it…

My Sweet Bully

She put herself in time out, for her in her words "being sassy"!

This sweet little girl clutches the dark corner of her blanket as she cuddles into my body as she sips her milk in the early hours of the morning. Her tiny little form warm against my own and that heavenly sweet smell that is all hers, filling me with love. She turns to me, holds my face in her hands, looks me in the eyes deeply and says "Mommy, I love you so much."

A few hours later, we make our way to the park. Her soft hand melting into mine as we walk and chatter back and forth as she notices everything, points out all she can name and wonders at all that she sees around her. As we near the entrance, I stop and kneel down to her level, “Makiya, there are other kids at the park. The park is for everyone to play together. Are you going to be nice to the kids?” She roughly crosses her arms and slams them against her body, uttering the typical “hmmph” and loud “NO!” I stand and start to turn, “That’s fine, we’ll just go home then.” “No mommy, I sorry. Go to pawk!” We spend a few moments talking about how she needs to be nice and finally reached a calm point where I felt we may be okay to proceed to the park. We walk into the park and as she waves she says “Hi kids! Habing fun?! Hi kids! Habing fun?!” It only takes a moment, she is yelling “Nooo!!” and throwing rocks at the other children and succeeds in hitting me in the teeth with them. I firmly reprimand her, offer her a final chance and am not even fully standing back up before she throws more rocks and throws herself on the ground kicking and screaming. I stand her up, take her by the hand and lead her off to try to calm down with the lunch that I brought. We walked across the greenspace with her screaming, crying, falling down, and begging “No mommy! I sorry, I sorry! Go back to pawk! NO! No lunch! PAWK!!!!” After failing at lunch the playground had quieted a little and I again hoped it may be okay. We spent a few minutes laughing and playing; she made me go for a ride in the “car” and she amazed me with her agility and speed in climbing the ladders up to the slide. Then, we headed back to the “car” where we approached a group of kids, and again, she picked up two fistfuls of rocks that I quickly kept from being thrown.

We left that park and headed home.

In what I must admit would be giving yet another, hmmm, un-earned chance, before we made it home, we stopped at another little playground that was pretty quiet. As soon as she began to climb up, two kids appeared and she waved! “Hi kids! Habing fun!” Whew! Down the slide, laughter and giggles and a race back around to do it all over again. She climbed up and encountered the kids again, this time she wasn’t so friendly. I grabbed her by the arm and began to tell her we were leaving when she punched me in the face. I was stunned. I quickly picked her up and carried her back down and began to walk home. We struggled a moment as she proceeded to hit me in the face a few more times. I managed to strap her into her stroller for the first time in our entire outing. She thrashed and screamed the entire two blocks home, where she found herself in a time out immediately.

It was, thankfully naptime.

Stage or attitude that is purely her own? We shall see!

In the meantime, I can hear us being labeled as the ones with the bully child! The one who beats up her mommy!

Lessons in Gratitude?

“Cream of the crop” is a phrase I have heard repeated often during this past month.

I have listened to the words and rolled them repeatedly around my mouth and my mind. I have had a difficult time allowing them to register within me. They feel tainted by arrogance and smugness in many ways. If I step back, really take several paces backwards, I can see the words spelling out something far greater, something reserved for an elite part of society. Isn’t that funny?

My mind ponders the reality that each and every one of us will process the same situation in an entirely different light; none of us will truly ever experience the same moment in the same way as the person next to us. It doesn’t matter who that person beside us is.

So if we are to live a moment completely separate from those close to us, how is it possible to place judgments or condemnation upon them for their actions in the face of what lies before us? We cannot possibly fully comprehend that place from which their emotions and responses are born, not being immersed inside their mind ourselves, so how can we pretend to understand their actions?

However, there are some basic, hmm, I don’t know, courtesies, respects, LOVE that would and should come with these other things that may arise. Wouldn’t we think?

This month has reached peak levels in so many different places in my life, and instead of feeling more bonded, with anyone, I feel much more separate and alone. My eyes have opened wider, and sadly, parts of what, amazingly, still remained of my innocence, have been lost.

I feel far from what I imagine the phrase “Cream of the crop” to entail.

Somewhere, at the moment buried deeply, I can hear, and almost see other words calling out to me; “You ARE where you should be at this time. You ARE strong enough and you WILL make it through this time. Exactly on time, as you are intended to.”

In the end, it really doesn’t matter how the others respond. It matters how I respond. How I learn and grow from what these experiences are teaching me.

I guess what I need to do is take a standpoint of Gratitude. I need to appreciate that which has been placed on my path, for it has all been lessons offered. I only need to accept the gift.

Stay tuned...

Just wanted to let you know that I haven't disappeared!

I just got home, late Sunday night after spending two weeks out of province being with my family during a difficult time.

As if that wasn't tiresome enough, we got just outside of our city and blew the motor in our truck!

Thankful right now to have mom here; her help is as always immeasurable in the way of words...

I will be back soon, just need some time to recover...Emotionally and physically drained myself, and my husband and baby girl are in the same boat...

See you soon!

Book Lover and Reader in Training

We have been in a state of wonder as we watch and listen to our daughter these days; she is speaking so many new words, putting sentences together and surprising us with the clarity of her communications, memory and the list goes on!

Today, I stood at the sink, mindlessly, washing dishes when Makiya came around the corner. She had her hands out, palms up and was shaking her head as she walked up and looked at me. “Mommy, I can not read books.” She was obviously feeling a little frustrated, and needed to express her concerns. That beautiful, sweet and innocent voice; my heart melted in that moment.

We spent a few minutes talking about it, as I pointed out that she IS learning words, and is amazing with her letters, so it would only be a matter of time before she caught on.

She appeared satisfied, and went on her way, back to her books. I went back to finishing the dishes and beginning dinner preparations.

About 20 minutes later she calls out to me. “Mommy, Mommy!! I CAN read!” Smiling to myself, heart thumping, mind turning back to the stories of my own early reading capabilities, I raced out into the living room. I found her sitting there in a pile of books, holding up one of the books that I know would be a FAR stretch in regards to her actually reading it. She was beaming as I came to her, she placed the book atop one of the several stacks surrounding her, proceeded to grab another and went about her reading.

I ruffled her hair, beaming myself, placed a kiss on her head and thought, “Maybe not today, but in the near future, she WILL be reading to me.”

What a special moment to have shared; the pride that comes with it, inevitable. I AM teaching my girl. She IS learning. She is AMAZING.

Those Things Our Kids Say

A few days ago, my 26 month old daughter spoke words to me that I thought would be, at the least, a few years away.

We sat at the table with her lunch sitting in front of her. A typical meal, she twisted and turned in her chair as she ate sparingly. Also normal, was my continual utterance of “Makiya, please turn around and eat…”

Today was different though. This little girl turned around, sat on her bum and put her head down. Then she said “I merry mad Mommy.”

Stunned a little, I shook my head, perhaps something was blocking my ears from hearing my girls words correctly? I asked her if she said she was mad at me.

“Yes. I merry mad Mommy. Merry angwee.”

I tried very hard not to laugh, a little smirk creeping across my face, “I am very sorry to hear that, but you still need to eat your lunch.”

She’s very mad at me, angry even?!

Takes me back a few months, to the morning I asked her to please clear her toys off of the table so we could get up and eat breakfast. She said no, her then favorite word. I repeated my request, asking where she would eat if she didn’t move these things. She turned back to the table and proceeded to take the tablecloth by the corner and pull. In one movement, the table was cleared and she was looking back at me quite pointedly. No words required there!

Oh this little girl is growing up so quickly; a little too smart for her own good we often remark. Or is it too smart for OUR own good?!

She certainly does take it all in.

Nap and bedtime battles have gotten the best of me recently, and she is now showing, or more accurately telling, me the message that she has gotten and chosen to ignore; EVERYTIME we prepare for the sleep routine. This is what I hear:

“No toys, no stowee, bed. Okay? Okay.” That’s right Makiya, “If you don’t clean up your toys, we won’t read a story, it will be bedtime.”

“Bedtime bedtime.” She says. Yes Makiya, “Bedtime is bedtime.”

“Dettin ohd.” Yes, “This is getting old.”

“No moah.” That’s right, “I am not doing this anymore.”

Oh yes, this daughter of mine is keeping me on my toes!

Women's History Month

Growing up I remember being asked the question from a variety of sources, “Who do you look up to?”, and even then I was a little mystified. And yet, although I realized that there was no specific role models that existed in my mind in that sense, I didn’t ever really bother to take the time to dig deeper, or investigate what that could mean to me; to HAVE someone I really looked up to, maybe like a mentor, perhaps as someone I really desired and aspired to be like. There were times through the years when I was faced with this question that my mind would drift towards Oprah, but I would quickly dismiss it as cliché and perhaps just an easy answer.

I just simply don’t recall EVER having anyone, even more specifically, a woman, that I looked up to in this sense. We didn’t ever discuss anything close to celebrating Women’s History Month, and I certainly didn’t realize there were even such occasions back then! In fact, the majority of my life I have either had more friends of the opposite sex, or, as now, simply spent more time in the company of myself; so for really examining the relationships of women in my life, my grandmothers, etc., it has really never been in the forefront of my mind.

Being completely honest, my thoughts on many things have been transformed, or altered over the past year. This would include the relationship with other women; something I have lacked understanding in the value of. I am learning, slowly. I can see it, and am beginning to realize the necessity that actually exists in having a friend or “sister” (of course mother, but I am speaking in the sense of relating to any other woman).

As I look back now, of course I can see that one of the women, one of the most important women, that played a role in my life was my mom. They do say, in the ever popular cliché, that a new bond begins between a mother and daughter, when the daughter becomes a mother herself! But going many years before that, as a young girl I looked up to my mom. I remember being proud, even bragging at times, of having a young mom in comparison to some of my friends; and of course adding that she was pretty! As I grew, amidst the chaos that often exists between moms and their daughters, I still was able to acknowledge the strength that my mom had; dealing with my dad and yet being able to not only go to college, but to excel at the top of her class, only then to move on to working quite successfully for a large company. She had two kids, one of which, ahem, was horrible to deal with, and yet she managed to do not only what was necessary, but she was able to build for herself the life that she truly wanted and deserved. I can certainly say that my mom has taught me many things, whether she is able to see it or not. She has shown me what strength, courage and dedication are all about. Her journey, in so many ways, was/is the lantern that lights my own path.

Laura Ingalls Wilder. How could I have ever forgotten her influence on me from such a young age?! I was captivated by her books, the Little House on the Prairie series and many others. She WAS the “hero” of my childhood in comparison to the other “super heroes” that the kids were into. Laura was the strong, brave and determined girl that grew into an amazingly brilliant woman. I drank in every word of each new dilemma that was faced throughout her life; every new town, the storms, the illnesses. Everything that happened within her family was only a small obstacle in the whole picture of the love and dedication that was shared within that circle.

Oprah. Well, I can now easily admit that I do look up to her. She not only accepted and acknowledged the horrible things in her early life, she absolutely rose above. Above and beyond that personal achievement, she has and continues to do so many wonderful things around the world. The financial and otherwise opportunities that she has provided pale in comparison to the inspiration that she has provided to so many people. She has opened the hearts and minds of an immeasurable amount of people worldwide; she has shown us what it means to give, to receive and to truly live and love in our lives.

There is another woman that I think of now, in this context of great women, empowering women, strong women; I will call her D. She was my boss for a few years, but I also have thought of her as a friend and a teacher. I admire her in so many ways. In the short time that I spent with her, she was the one that seemed to pull the blinders off of my eyes. She brought back to life many things I had touched lightly on throughout my life, but she presented them to me perfectly, exactly as I needed, when I needed. She has shown her own strength in so many ways during her life, and she is truly an example, in my eyes, as to how we could live our lives purely; she makes living our true life, walking our ultimate path look simple!

With this newly opened mind, I could perhaps add a few more women to this little list; my sisters, my grandmothers, my BFF and a couple more well-known names; but I think I have said enough for now!

Women’s History Month…who are some of the women that you look up to and admire for their courage and strengths?