Turning Points

As an insecure child who had recently begun to find herself, starting her first year in high school at age 12 with a back brace was a serious problem. She hadn’t managed to fully connect with her new found confidence yet, and this new factor only brought about a deeper and scarier lack of acceptance of herself. She was too self conscious to be honest and up front; she couldn’t admit to anyone that she had a condition, Scoliosis, which required her wearing the brace to correct her spine. She, instead, drew closer to herself and farther away from all of the new people she was faced with in the classrooms and hallways. She dreaded the rush between classes, afraid that someone would bump into her and notice that beneath her clothing, something felt odd. She tried, effortlessly, to avoid gym class; not wanting anyone to see her remove the brace, she would hide in the shower stalls to change clothes. She certainly couldn’t get close to any boys, for fear that they would judge and tease her. So, for the most part, she kept it hidden. She changed her clothing style, she adopted a different way of carrying herself and interacting with others. She hid the most delicate parts of herself then…and still does in many ways…

I look back now and can see what an injustice I did myself. I allowed myself to remain silent and to be an unwilling participant in so many opportunities; out of fear. Fear of the unknown I can only deduce, because now I see what a small part of our lives that time really is. I watch the new movies and tv shows about high school, and honestly it makes me kick myself EVERYTIME! While of course I recognize and have gratitude for the way I spent those years instead, but in other ways I sometimes feel that I robbed myself by allowing my insecurities to turn me down a different path.

Just as it was when I “broke free” of the spell my parents held over me as a child, I exploded onto the scene of my life when I lost that brace. I really AM grateful that I have walked in my own shoes, but, there are times when one takes a moment to pause and wonder…

Would I trade it now; would I choose to do it differently?

A loud and clear “NO” flashes before my eyes.


Oh, this is causing the wheels of the mind to spin; deeper into the insight I go...!!

Excited to Be Writing

I am very excited about getting more involved with my writing.


-I am enjoying my blogging; it is wonderful connecting with all of you! I love the feedback and the pure beauty and joy that I am finding in the connections that I have made.

-I have two separate submissions sent out, now I have to WAIT about a month to hear whether I “make the cut” on them!!

I have shared that my mom has inspired me to get back to my writing, and Story Circle Network was something that she shared to help get me started. It has been nearly a year, and I am just now getting more involved!

-I was enlisted by mom to get involved with a new blog that will be starting in January 2011 One Woman's Day
-I just signed up with an SCN Writing Circle too. I am very excited about this, who wouldn’t be? To have a place where you can get feedback and encouragement with your writing; PERFECT!!

-I am also hoping to become a Book Reviewer with SCN. I have to begin at the bottom, find a book of my own choice, write a review, submit, and then there are several other steps/trials before I am “accepted”, but again, something I am hopeful and excited to become involved with!

I wanted to share a link with you as well; I had been looking for this when I did my posts honoring October 15th as a National Day of Remembrance for Lost Babies.

Here are also the links to my posts:

October 15th and I Smile Now

Happy Monday, I hope you have a great week!

Makiya PUTS HERSELF in Time-Out

Yesterday, my little girl, who is only a couple months away from being two, showed me a glimpse of our life when she is, at the very least, a “pre-teen”…


I was busy getting dishes and counters cleaned up in the kitchen when she dumped out the box containing her Dora puzzle in the hallway. I asked her to pick them up and she said no, in that way she has; little smile, arms sway as she does a little defiant twist. I was pre-occupied, so we battled a little for a few moments;

“Makiya, pick them up.”
“No.”
Makiya, please listen to mommy.”
“No.”
“Makiya! Listen to mommy! I asked you to pick up your puzzle please!”
“No.”
 “Makiya, do you want to go for a time out?”
“Hmph.”

So, I started the countdown, “One……., Two……” She turned around and headed towards the puzzle finally. I smiled a little to myself, thinking “ahh, thank you…” I then said, “that’s good, thank you honey.” I realized then that I was not hearing a sound, certainly not the sound of her putting them in the box, so I went around the corner and she wasn’t there. I looked around the other corner into the dining room, and there she was, sitting on the little couch that we have been using for time outs. She had PUT HERSELF in time out!

My little toddler was telling me something; “I DO NOT want to pick it up, period, end of story. If you want to argue with me, fine, I will go sit down and “think about it.””

PLEASE read this, something is seriously wrong with our world....

My jaw just dropped as my husband just told me this story about someone he knows, I am hot with anger and need to share this! Here in Calgary, with ALL the S—t we are seeing on the news about the FREAKS that are in our neighbourhoods, something like this happens!!!


A 15 year old girl got home late a few nights ago and went to have a shower in her room. Her older sister was downstairs and heard a noise outside, so she went to tell her mom’s boyfriend to go check it out. He went outside to CATCH a man with a camera, flashlight, gloves and balaclava watching through the window! He naturally pinned the guy down and had his girlfriend call 911. 911 told her they needed to let the guy go (in case of weapons etc.)!!! She, knowing that her boyfriend WOULD NOT do that, told them so. The police showed up, took the FREAK in, questioned him, escorted him to his car (which was parked a short distance away) and then escorted him home. No searching of his vehicle, no charges…NOTHING!!

This is LUDACRIS and RIDICULOUS!! And I am seriously sick to the stomach right now.

Does She Remember?

I once knew a pretty little girl who was blonde and chubby; like a little cherub. She was only 2 years old; adorable, smart and already very strong willed. She had a family, a mom and a dad. Her mom was strong and faithful and her father, the complete opposite.

This little girl was taken along on many wonderful adventures with her daddy. She was also taken on travels that she didn’t deserve to be a passenger on.

I have thought of her often over the years; vividly remembering her sweet face. I have thought of my own childhood memories, and the depths that they are able to sometimes reach. It has made me wonder of this girl’s own recollections.

Does she recall sitting in the backseat of her daddy’s car while he met with another woman who was on her coffee break? Does she remember seeing him steal intimate glances, touches and words with someone that was not her mommy? Did she feel the bump in the road the night her daddy hit something; and the panicked feelings from him that, no doubt, quickly filled the car? Does she remember the loneliness that she must have felt on the night her mommy went to the hospital (to give birth to her baby sister) and her daddy didn’t even stay with her (because he wanted to be alone with another woman)? Does she know that while her brand new little sister was in the hospital, clinging to a life that would not manage to sustain her, and her mommy was alone in her grief, her daddy wasn’t even there? Can she still hear the whimpers in the night; the tears her mommy surely cried as she sat up at night wondering and waiting?

Did there come a time when it all began to make sense to her or did she manage to escape that knowledge, safe and secure in the role of Daddy’s Little Girl?

I have thought of that little girl so many times over the years; hoping that she turned out to be happy, strong and safe. I have hoped that her family managed to recover from the many trials they faced in that time. She would now be the age I was when we met, and I hope that she is on a safer and more care-free path than I was walking back then.

I was 17 years old when I met this family, during a tumultuous time in my own life. I was living with my dad when he became friends with the little girl’s daddy. As a family, and without the rest of the family, there was a lot of time spent at our house.

We no doubt learned from each other many valuable lessons; no matter how sad, reckless and unfortunate those circumstances were. For a short time I carried anger and regret for my experiences with them, but I have come to accept and appreciate the knowledge that I gained. “Un-necessary” lessons learned at a very young age become insights that I am thankful to now have, 15 years later.

Entranced

The sun shone brightly and the ground was fresh after a light sprinkling of rain. My hands trembled as we pulled into the parking lot. Suddenly, I was blanketed in silence and my eyes saw nothing but the man standing a few yards away. His freshly cut hair, his crisp suit and hands clasped together before him; I could feel the amazing energy that he was projecting, and it quickly joined with my own. Our eyes met from a distance and I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling up.


I carefully dabbed the tears away, drew in a deep, calming breath and smiled; I was more than ready. I had no lingering questions or doubts; I KNEW what I was about to do and wanted it with my entire heart and soul.

As if proceeding through a fading dream sequence, I began to walk the path towards this man. It was as though everyone was standing in the beautiful mist before a waterfall; I could see faces for a brief moment and then they were gone, a new person before me. I heard voices that seemed to be off in a faraway place; and the music that softly began as I walked by, quickly joined that distant, soft, white noise. I glanced around at the people I knew were there, hoping they couldn’t see that I was entranced and only floating by them.

Our eyes met again, and for an instant I struggled to keep it all inside. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken as I noticed the wet path of tears down his cheeks. Our smiles reached out and become a part of each others in that moment; just as our hearts and lives were about to be forever connected.

I stared at the man, who in just a short time would become my Husband, and I felt peace and pure joy. He took my hands and it was all that we could do to keep ourselves from diving into the others arms and closing our eyes; locked in our own private world. Together, we released the moment in a gentle burst of laughter and quiet words…

The minister began, “We are joined here together today…”

Some Days...

-I laugh when I mean to cry.

-I cry when I mean to laugh.

-I would rather stay under the warm covers and not open my eyes for a month.

-I would prefer to sit in complete solitude; no computer, no music, no tv…NOTHING but silence.

-I feel so lonely.

-I want to run FAR away from my life.

-I feel lost.

-I have ZERO physical or mental energy.

-I wake up TOTALLY rejuvenated and ready to devour the world.

-I remember what I wanted to forget.

-My mind would rather forget the things I DO know.

-I forget EVERYTHING I wanted to do.

-I DO want to step back in time.

-I am at peace.

-I feel vicious.

-I am elated.

I guess it shows me what an amazing gift to live in this life of mine; the journey that we all walk while here.

The multitude of sensations that we are ABLE to experience is a beautiful thing. The twists and turns are something to be admired and feel gracious for. I would much rather FEEL anything then have no response whatsoever to this life. Without the “bad” there could never be any “good”.

I am grateful for the rise and fall of sensations and emotions that I CAN and DO experience.

Alive

The breeze gently kissed her skin as she stepped out into the day. She felt it lift her hair, ever so slightly, as though announcing to her “You have arrived.”

Each step giving her a new sensation, a little like she may actually be floating through the air.

She felt alive in a sense that she had never experienced before now.

She was seeing the world through new eyes; ones that seemed to have magically appeared in the moment.

She drew in the beauty of nature and life that surrounded her as though she was inhaling oxygen. It was “necessary”, “required”, and yet a source so wondrous she couldn’t fully comprehend.

She felt the smile grow wider across her face and she giggled aloud like a delighted child.

The Other Side-She Walked Away

She had stood in this place before. The feeling washed over her like déjà vu; like a dream sequence that was playing out before her open eyes.

She knew, with a knowledge that came from a place she could not fully comprehend, that she had but two choices before her. She could either swallow her words or speak them now, louder than ever before. For an instant, she paused.

She was stronger now. She had more clarity. She had the wisdom and foresight to know better. Her heart skipped a beat leaving her feeling lighter than air. It lifted the corners of her lips into the smallest hint of a smile. She almost laughed aloud.

She realized that to utter a single word would only draw her in; pull her to a place she now saw as forbidden. To speak now would only succeed in taking her into a tornado that she could no longer withstand.

She turned around. She allowed the grin to spread across her face. She walked away; deaf to the angry, confused and irrational noise that she heard behind her.

October 15th - Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

I came across this many years ago... As it did then, it brings me peace, warmth and smiles.

Beyond Dreams Edge – Debbi Dickinson Naperville, Illinois

Three new children play tonight

In a land beyond dreams edge

Instead of sand, they play with stardust,

Getting glitter sparkles on their hands.

Instead of coloring books,

They color rainbows

For God to place in the sky,

His promise to us below.

Instead of jumping rope,

They jump strands of sunlight.

Braided strong by His might,

Forever shining bright.

Instead of riding bikes,

They spread their wings

And fly to distant stars,

As all the angels sing.

Instead of snow slopes,

They slide down moonbeams,

Irridescent glowing streams,

Landing in heavenly green.

Instead of TV,

They watch sunrises, sunsets,

And all that transpires in between,

Secure that God knows best.

Instead of playing ball,

They catch stars,

Before they fall,

Loving the wonder of it all.

Instead of bouncing on their beds,

They bounce on clouds,

Their laughter echoes about,

Just beyond dreams edge.

We meet at night in prayer.

I quietly wait to see them there,

Golden haloes on their heads,

In a land beyond dreams edge.

I Smile Now-October 15th is Stillborn and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I walked for a time, my heart in your hands.

I dreamed of our time together and the love that would be.

I felt the warmth from your soul as it intertwined with my own.

I wept tears for us both when they said you would go.

I can see a sweet face that I know must be yours.

I smile now, as I know you are safe.

I posted this a few hours ago, and I have since remembered a newstory that I heard last month.

October 15th is Stillbirth and Infant Loss Awareness/Rememberance Day.

I cannot seem to find a link to the news piece that I watched now, and there are so very many other sites that come up when you do a search for the day. I wasn't sure which to choose; so I ended up picking the top two: Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stillbirth_Remembrance_Day because it gives alot of great information and  http://www.october15th.com/

My heart goes out...

"Going Without" Can Actually Be "Gaining So Much More"

There are those things that we are conditioned to see as “required” or “necessary”, but when taken away, we realize that we will be just fine, life will/must continue and perhaps a little harder work is needed.


Miraculously, in the eyes of my girlfriend, I can and do just fine “without” some of those things that others just would not live without. I have, of course, already learned that there is no sense fighting what IS (or isn’t if the case may be). Kicking, screaming and pouting will not bring about the “desired” result, so it is best to accept it and move forward; do what needs to be done. Maybe, luckily, there is a little of my creative side that comes out, survival mode of course, and I imagine some stubbornness (“I’m FINE, I can DO IT!!”).

I am certain that my husband, and surely plenty of others, would look at me like I may just be crazy, but I can and do see and accept the gifts that truly lie behind any and all struggles that we face. I can put a smile on my face KNOWING that our life will continue and we will get past whatever is before us.

I honestly don’t get caught up in fantasies of what could or should be, or what I would prefer to be happening in my life. Of course, at times, that can be a problem in itself; to simply take what comes with no action of my own to make a desired/needed change. But, I have the trust that leaves me comfortable in knowing that no matter how difficult, I am meant to be here and I will make it through to reach the next adventure in my life journey.

I'm Going to Read Now...

Well, I have taken some days off writing, and although it has been a great Thanksgiving Weekend, wonderful visiting with mom (and having HER turkey dinner!!) and enjoying a trip to the corn maze, I have found myself with no words!

Perhaps I am just ABSORBING, taking it all in and savoring it. Maybe I am still stuck in the blahs? I suppose it is a combination of them both.

My mind is feeling a little, hmm, listless? So, brilliantly, I decided to sign out some “food for thought” kind of books from the library today. A selection of Stillness Speaks – Eckhart Tolle (one of my favorites!), The Secret Life of Water – Masaru Emoto and, da da da, Philosophy 101-Selections from the Works of the Western World’s Greatest Thinkers. Well I sit here now pondering “what the heck I was thinking” with that last selection!! Firstly, I intended to find something on EASTERN philosophies (distracted by Makiya’s “Maaahhh-mmeee” as she raced through the library with poor Grandma!) and secondly, wow, is this really what I want to tackle right now?! I’ve found some DEEP reading here!! Ah, well, as I said, something to stimulate the brain; I suppose I found THAT!! I AM excited about my selection though, however slightly daunting one of them may be!!

So, instead of struggling some MORE with my words, I think it is time for me to settle in with my books and re-charge myself!!

PS. I am thankful for the wonderful time with family and of course the MANY smiles and laughs that my daughter brings me every day!!

A New Blog

My mom passed me the link to this new blog, The Story Of Enna Scott, and it is VERY intriguing!! I just wanted to share it with you...

http://ennascott.blogspot.com/

Happy Thanksgiving Song

I just wanted to share this with you... A great blog with a fantastic link to an Adam Sandler Thanksgiving song!! I had never heard it before, and it is pretty cute!!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend... We are excited to be taking Makiya to the Corn Maze (petting zoo, train rides, pumpkin patches!!) with her Grandmas tomorrow, and then my mom will be cooking turkey dinner for us, for the first time in MANY years...looking forward to the gravy mom!! ;)

Hope you enjoy this song as much as I did!!
http://dwolfs.blogspot.com/2010/10/we-used-to-just-ask-whats-your-sign.html

We Are Closer Than We Realize

There are days when you log onto the internet and are astounded to see that many others have the exact same things on their mind as you! Every place you look, another person is letting out words that mirror your own; as though they are speaking directly to YOU. The content stems from a similar place, but is so magically different; each a fresh perspective to draw from.

I find it so intriguing that people so distantly a part of our lives, living drastically different lives and circumstances would find days that they are instantly and deeply connected on the same level with each other. I do always say that every person is in our life for a reason; teacher or student, but I find this particularly exciting. An inner ripple, a wave in our energy that seems to speak out loud enough to resound in another that is inside our very own circle; however seemingly “insignificant” or deep that relationship is. Minds joined together on another “plane” and each came back to find words that expressed thoughts reflecting their OWN perception of the union.

As we appear to be separate entities on similar voyages; to discover the mind and words of another that is on the same journey as our own. How very beautiful.

I am so grateful for my “teachers” and “students”. Thank you for stepping onto the path and walking with me for a time.

Divine guidance often comes when the horizon is the blackest. - Ghandi

One of THOSE Days

Some days, while you know better, it is just EASIER to succumb to the gloomy feelings that surface. It feels comforting to be wrapped in the arms of the darkness. Allowing yourself to sink into the heaviness of the day and feel its weight upon your body feels RIGHT. Sometimes we just have to give in and BE with the gloominess.

I would suppose that there is something inside that wants to be heard and this is its way of calling out to you; something we need to learn, to remind ourselves or simply acknowledge for what it really is. But, it can sometimes be really heard to listen and watch for these signals; the glimpses of truth, when we are draped in the solace of our “grumpiness”.

Some days, giving into the embrace of a black mood is just what we need. It comes from within and is only asking for recognition. It is coming from some part of us that just NEEDS to be in that state of lower vibrations and slower energy.

In the desert I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, “Is it good, friend?”

“It is bitter-bitter,” he answered;

“But I like it

Because it is bitter

And because it is my heart.”

– Stephen Crane

Quieting the Shadow

The shadow, no longer content to be alone in the darkness, called out to me; “Come play with me.” It knew that I was listening and that I just might give into its childish plight. I had been feeding it little pieces of insecurity, doubt and ego. It’s eyes and mouth wide open now, begging to come to life. Damn thing is watching and waiting; ready to pounce!

I whisper softly “It’s only real if you let be; open your eyes and it will disappear.” I take a deep breath as I force my body into motion; lifting my heavy feet, I command them to move forward. With all my strength I begin to move away from the shadow, slowly backing away and then turning and walking quickly; I finally scream out “I can’t hear you!”

I am running now and can hear its movement behind be; gaining on me. I think that maybe I waited too long and it is going to catch up with me! I let it get too close!

Suddenly, I realize that I am not running, but moving effortlessly down the path; it is peaceful and calm. I am surrounded by beauty, seeing as though for the first time; I am captivated. I feel an overwhelming sense of wonder and possibility; I realize that I am back where I was intended to be all along.

Feeling secure, I chance a look backwards and catch a glimpse of the shadow; I laugh because I can see it for what it really was and I can’t believe that I was afraid.

Learning to Appreciate My Life Experiences

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have learned through the years to accept and have gratitude for the steps I took as a kid. My path was rocky and full of twists and turns. I took difficult circumstances and turned them into overwhelming disaster. Figuratively and literally; I was dramatic. I insisted on learning truths on my own, accepting that I would face consequence without REALLY knowing how seriously devastating that could be. I wanted to experience EVERYTHING; from this side and that, right side up and upside down, inside and out. I chose to open doors and walk through, even though I knew what I was about to embark on may have been morally and personally WRONG. I numbed myself in every imaginable way; that was the only way to get up and look in the mirror some days. I turned myself off and “decided” that I really didn’t care anyways.

“Curiousity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind.” – Samuel Johnson 1751

I had younger friends who were taken in by the stories I had to tell; even some of the older friends, family and even one of my (too young) counselors all seemed to be (of course shocked and amazed) mesmerized, in a sense, with the things I had to share. There was an air of excitement that seemed to be given to the tales of my mis-adventures! I had an audience that wanted more; I was doing things that were taboo and, we all know how as human beings we LOVE to know more about what others are doing, ESPECIALLY when it’s of the dangerous/naughty nature! As much as they were interested in the goings on of my life, I too was curious; I HAD to know how the “Other Side” lived and why they did what they did. I couldn’t settle for what was expected, required or demanded; I needed to know and feel more than that.

“No one can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.” – Hawthorne

It wasn’t ME though. I was playing a part; I had taken on a ROLE with my entire heart, soul and body. I KNEW that the majority of my actions were not coming from my authentic self and I knew that I was the one DOING these things; yet I couldn’t seem to find my way out of the tumbleweeds. I, of course, got tired and worn out; pretending takes more of a toll on a person than when they are coming from a genuine place. I knew that I couldn’t continue down the road I was on.

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Carlos Castaneda

I was very “depressed” in those days and could NEVER seem to “see the light at the end of the tunnel.” All of the things that I had wanted and tried to think, believe and feel weren’t “working” for me and I began to doubt it ALL. Finally, I began to see that I WAS and COULD BE so much greater than the things I was doing.

“Doubt is often the beginning of wisdom.” – Dr. M. Scott Peck

Although it has taken many years, and, in many ways I am still working on it, I slowly began to see the experiences that I lived through as lessons. I began to appreciate the moments in time for what they truly were; gifts of understanding and knowledge. As I get back to my writing, I find myself examining things on a much deeper level and am finding new perspectives and appreciations in every place that I look. Everything that I have gone through has brought me to the place I am now at in my life, which means that I have a lot to be thankful for. I KNOW how much I have grown and can now, honestly, begin to attribute that to some of the hard times and the people that I used to think deserved not a second thought. I DO NOT regret a single moment.
I sometimes don’t understand why I do what I do in the moment; the choices I make confuse and stun even me at times. At the end of the day, it all makes perfect sense.

Hope's Breath is an AMAZING Breath of Fresh Air

I came across an absolutely BEAUTIFUL blog recently and just really wanted to share it. I am totally blown away, almost rendered speechless EACH and EVERY time that I read her posts. She takes my breath away with her insights, her wisdom and just an overwhelming sense of PEACE overall.

Please take a moment to stop by http://hopesbreath.blogspot.com/ .

Looking into The Eyes of "The Source"

I am watching a dance outside my window. The branches giving a natural, loving push to the leaves as they twirl and spin away, floating in the breeze; freer than ever before. The colors that move before my eyes are like the backdrop of a stage; the grand place where the dance of life plays out.

The wind is whispering to my soul; “can you feel it now?”

The sun is illuminating the beauty within.

The ground, covered in a soft blanket of yellows and oranges, calls out; “walk with me.”

I am a student of life itself. The world is my classroom. Each moment is a lesson; a gift. Each person or animal that I encounter is my teacher. Nature is the constant reminder of The Source; that place, that energy, that being from which we all have emerged and are a part of now and forever.