Finally Accepting the Truth

A realization that I was allowing shame to control me has also grown to include the fact that I am not as honest as I like to believe, not with myself, let alone anyone else. While I tried to ignore comments pointing out strength in character and voice that had all but disappeared, I’ve now accepted that they were right about that all along as well. I became that familiar old “wall flower” again because I was tired of lying to hide the shame that I felt.

These are hard things to acknowledge about oneself, looking in the mirror, finally listening to that voice and knowing that you fucked up.

Though I have spent the past few years fighting with all of my might to stay on top of this all, to bury it, to run from it and pretend it wasn’t so, or that it would magically change, I am now forced to look at it for what it is and to see what damage I have allowed to begin growing roots in all the wrong places. Most importantly, above anything else, I now cannot deny that I am breaking and it is affecting Makiya.

The things that I need to do, say and become have brought me to a familiar point, one that screams out at me to get busy. Once, many years ago, I reached the same point, and was forced to ask myself the question, “Never mind five or ten years, never mind next year or next month, I do not want to wake up TOMORROW feeling/living like this again.”, of course, the answer being no, the very next morning I found my voice and made a permanent change. While the place that I find myself now is much different than that moment, that question is getting louder in my ear again.

It’s funny, I know that I am not stupid or weak, I know that I am strong, courageous and smart, and that when I allow it in myself, I can also be very determined and accomplish whatever I desire. Yet, here I sit, in a position that I allowed myself to slide into, struggling to find a way to make it all right again.

As always, I do know that I WILL find my way through this, just as I am meant to, when I am meant to, but I think that for a time, the “flow” may need a little more self direction.

Next, A Trip Through Shame

Shame - noun

1.     1.  the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.

I have recently had some deep, thought provoking, revealing conversations with a few wonderful women, ones that I am thankful to have in my life. 

I interacted with these women in, what seems to me, the sequence required, the time for me to awaken and open up enough to receive the wisdom they were going to share. The first came at the EXACT moment of “impact”, the time when everything came to a breaking point for me, slamming into the second interaction, when I was simmering, stewing away in my realizations. The third was as the calm began to take over, I had reached a point where light was beginning to shine through again and my breathing was finally slowing to a manageable pace. It was then that it hit me, and hard.

What began from feelings brought up when I took Makiya to her first Music Class, progressed into a struggle to write out my emotions, which then also became something much more. A perceived difference between people, women, mothers, and a worry about being judged for past mistakes, became the catalyst for a much bigger discovery within myself; like it or not.

I had been thinking back over my life, looking at, digging through and trying to understand the giant leaps I have taken back and forth; between being a social butterfly and something more resembling the caterpillar, tucked away safe and warm while awaiting its transformation. I was trying to decipher whether I was in one of those states as a response TO my surroundings and circumstances, or was I dictating the surroundings and circumstances by CHOOSING to be in that state. What I began to realize was, at least in that moment, that I was being the caterpillar in response to circumstances and situations I had lived, in the PAST. I began to accept and admit to this to myself as I acknowledged it to be a truth about who I have become.

I brought up this realization in conversation with one of these women, who was quick to point out how damaging “shame” could be. I hadn’t thought, yet, to put “shame” into the equation, I hadn’t put my finger on it as the force that it really was, and yet as strongly as I began to feel this addition to my truth, I still hadn’t really gotten the complete picture.

A few weeks later, I was chatting with a friend, who has been discovering some hard self-truths of her own for some time. We spoke of ignoring signs and/or clues that sit boldly before us, the ones that are finally “noticed” later on, of being tired of pretending and not being heard, and as we shared our thoughts, insights and feelings on it all, I began to see more cracks in this truth I was coming to terms with.

A week later, I spoke to the other woman (that wonderful friend who has the ability to see clearly, and between the lines, when I can’t, and vice versa, at times, thank god!). I admitted what I was beginning to see as the whole truth, and with a deep breath, she responded “That is huge.” As I heard her utter those words, the entirety and enormity of it truly and fully slapped me in the face, with a WHOOSH; it WAS huge, especially in saying it aloud to someone else. I was really putting it out there.

What I realized opened my eyes to so many things, and is still continuing to do so, which I suppose, was my biggest fear. This was NEVER what I wanted it, and yet, I went ahead and created it anyways.

I realized that for all of the pride I carry in not regretting, hiding or “feeling shame” in things that I have already shared about my past, I hold on tightly to the truth about the present and the little left over bits of recent past. Those are kept close, without the warmth of sunlight or the ability to take in fresh air, they are hidden away, left to bend and twist, morphing into an ugly form of “shame”.

There are these “things” that I let slide out of control in my life, and the feelings of guilt in not tending to them have transformed into something darker and uglier. Instead of staying truly strong and continuing to speak clearly and loudly, I became comfortable in a place of denial, falsely labelling it as hopeful.

These things have caused me to feel shame, and I am finally able to admit it to myself.

The First Part of Learning the "Truth"

It had been a long time since I had felt feelings similar to those I felt as I entered the waiting room during Makiya’s first Music Class. In that moment I walked in, the last of the moms to enter the room, I was instantly transported back into my youth. I felt their eyes on me and a rush of memory and discomfort washed over me.

I felt like the outsider of an exclusive club.

Although intellectually I know that I am no longer “young”, my mind and soul feel much to the contrary. Sitting among those women, mothers, I felt like a little girl and one coming from a far different world than they. I imagined them looking me up and down, taking in my hair, outfit, shoes and purse, and my mind filled in many blanks as to where their thoughts went from there. I felt judged and looked down upon; I felt less than I thought they appeared to be.

I, of course, realized how silly I was being, but the rationale wasn’t enough to wash away my insecurities. In that half hour, as I sat waiting for Makiya’s class to end, many forgotten feelings came back to me, and I thought that I had an epiphany. I thought I had put a name to the missing piece of the puzzle about myself. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this was just the beginning of a serious revelation about my life and where I am right now.

My mind strolled backwards, remembering the different times in my life, the many faces I have worn and the circumstances that surrounded me during those times. I have bounced between being the “wall flower” and the “social butterfly”, swinging back and forth. I have spent seasons preferring the company of myself to the energy sapping game of socialization, and then, there were times that the mere thought of spending another moment alone would bring on an anxiety attack.  I wondered what the difference really was; how is it that I have been able to pull off BOTH persona’s and, yet, not truly feel at home in either?

It was obviously necessary, whichever mask I chose, to be who I needed to be in that time, but why? Was my personality a response to circumstance or were the situations dictated by the current role I was playing?

I suppose it was both.

Then, I got to wondering what had brought me back into being the “wall flower” I currently am… and I thought I finally got it.

I decided that past actions, undesirable ones, were keeping me clammed up. I told myself that because I wasn’t proud of what I had done, years ago, I was afraid to chat, make small talk, introduce myself to others, because I didn’t want them to know about my mistake or to judge me for it.

THAT I claimed as my truth.

A week later, after struggling to write through what I had felt that day, I began a conversation with a very insightful woman about it all. Even as I began to let the words spill out, I knew how ridiculous of an excuse it was; pretending that I was afraid of being judged for a past mistake! That’s all it was, another feeble attempt to ignore the truth. So, when she, unwittingly, called me out on it, putting a name to what it really was, I wasn’t fully surprised. But the name, the truth of what I was feeling, wasn’t what I expected either. 

Suddenly, it was glaringly visible, and I was instantly frozen by fear when I recognized what I was really dealing with.

It now made sense WHY I was having such a hard time writing the piece on discovering a new truth; it wasn’t true either.

Did You Know I Was Thinking About You?

My mind strolls around the strangest things sometimes.

Over the years, I have, at certain times, typically times where I was on the brink of turning the page onto a new chapter in my life, pondered over the power of our thoughts. The things that our minds consistently focus on certainly do become our reality, but to what exact extent does that span?

I have experienced, several times, the pattern of first thinking about something or someone, and then having that thought stream into my dreams, or even become something more tangible, be it a line in a book that I am reading, a particular song that suddenly comes on the radio, and, sometimes even suddenly, literally, finding that thing or person that had been running around my thoughts.

More recently I have had some deeper thoughts on the subject. Curiosity has arisen in me as to how deeply our thoughts bring about an effect on the person that has been on our minds. If we are to think about them, and seemingly bring them directly to us through these thoughts, how do THEIR thoughts change, or do they? Do they also suddenly find a reminder about us as, or is it something out of the ordinary and unexpected for them?

If we were to have a dream, a vivid dream, or an out of body experience, that featured a particular person, in a particular place, would the other people we meet have the same encounter on some level, plane, or some type of energized moment in time?

Is it something completely self-created and a completely lone experience, or do our thoughts and dreams bring about some type of blip on another’s radar at some level?

In Makiya's Eyes

Almost a year and a half ago, I first shared our steps into Makiya’s eye troubles.

Makiya is now just over three years old, and “very bright” in the words of her doctor today. She is very smart, high energy and full of humour.

She has become very comfortable with these eye appointments, obviously loving the little games, videos and puppets that are part of her examinations. In the days leading up to her appointments, she can barely contain her excitement and eagerness for the day to come. Her ease, of course, has made the journey of learning what is really going on a little easier each time we go.

Her eye has not improved, although we hesitate to say that it has actually declined. I have found comfort now that she is able to talk in that she is able to tell me now that her eye is more irritating than painful. Another positive that we see, in hopes of it signifying, well really, anything in the way of good news, is that Makiya can completely control her eye when it does wander out. She actually finds it to be a funny little game, “Look Mommy/Daddy!!” as she lets it wander outwards, and then with a little smile, brings it back in. In having this control however, it makes it very difficult for the doctors to really see what we see on a daily basis. Though we were previously given the two names, Intermittent Exotropia and Divergent Strabismus, we don’t know exactly where Makiyas condition sits within those terms.

Last month we had another of our bi/tri-monthly visits to the eye specialists. Dilating drops were given so that they could really take a look inside her eyes and see what was going on, and as always, Makiya was a trooper through it all, three exams from three different people and not a fuss from her. More difficult for me, was seeing her response to the eye drops; she could not see properly! One nurse had given her a fancy ring on our way out and as excited as Makiya was to have it, she couldn’t see what was on it! What I clearly saw as a star, she saw, hesitatingly, as a flower. After the appointment, I took her for lunch before heading home, and it was hard to witness her struggle with how much sunshine was pouring into her eyes; she was seriously bothered. Then, when we got home, she became excited at all the “pretty colors” she was seeing as we entered the door; her eyes adjusting from the bright lights I can only assume.

Another distressing part of that visit was that she seemed to be having a new found difficulty with some of the pictures that she had previously excelled at. My heart sinking as I watched her sit in the chair struggling to figure out what she was supposed to be looking at. Where we had previously been reassured that her vision was perfect, I was then told that it seemed that she in fact had some trouble in the eye that WASN’T wandering. We hopefully considered that it was due to the drops and scheduled an appointment for this month to re-examine.

Today was a scene similar to the one that played out nearly a year and a half ago; Daddy, little red haired girl, and Mommy holding hands as they enter the tall brick building en route to the Orthoptist. Parents nervous, child excited.

She raced to press the button for the elevator, exuberantly shared her joy in riding the elevator, walked purposefully to the books once in the office, and then, leapt out of her chair excitedly as the doctor came out to greet us. “Hi!” said Makiya as she practically ran into the examination room and hopped up in the chair.

Today, the inability to see and name the smaller objects on the screen was even more pronounced then last month, in that it seemed to bother Makiya that she couldn’t figure them out. It was not caused by the drops, but is in fact a flaw in her vision that was announced to be slightly worse than first thought; although still not enough to warrant treatment.

Her wandering eye was hard to “break” again today, meaning that the doctor is not able to see it to the full extent that we do on a daily basis. Frustrating for the doctor who is being told something is there, but she can’t fully see and frustrating for the parents who see it continuously and only want their child to be okay.

Surgery talk came back to the table today, as she is not improving and concerns arise the older the child becomes. If necessary, it is preferred to provide this surgery before the child is of school age so as to eliminate/lessen any problems that would likely arise as they head further out into the world. Not a simple cut and dry decision in the eyes of the parent, on so many different levels.

We have decided to make another appointment for a few months down the road, at which point we will take another look, and, decide whether we in fact want to proceed with the journey towards surgery or continue the watching, waiting and hoping.

Caught Up Catch Up

I have been caught up lately in a multitude of things that I won’t even begin to get into now, but, to catch you up to speed, I will share some of what has been occupying my mind these days!

My mind has been taken over by ideas, books, Pinterest, websites, and it’s been time to start putting some of the new found and broadened knowledge that I have been compiling.

Gardening, self-sufficiency, healthy eating for our family, composting, worm farms, heirloom seeds, oh the list could go on!, have all been on my mind for a while now, and it’s coming to that time of year where I am getting anxious and eager to make another attempt at growing some fruits and vegetables of our own. Since last year, I have been reading TONS of stuff, chatting with mom, Linda Hoye, and growing tons of ideas inside my head. This year, we’ve changed what we’re growing a little, added some extras, and are trying to start a few from seed indoors. Due to a change in our living circumstances, this year, I will also be trying to grow our “bounty” in containers; a HUGE learning curve!

I shared that we were making an attempt to grow our celery, the cutting from store bought, and at first it seemed to be doing wonderfully, until one morning I came in and found it completely wilted over, and surrounded by little flies; my mom had the same experience, but I was undeterred! We started a new one a few weeks ago, and again it has taken off! Surprisingly to me, and more similar to my moms experience, this one didn’t sprout roots immediately, but it finally did and we just transplanted it into a pot yesterday. I am excited and hopeful that we’ll have better luck this time. Makiya as well, she gave it the familiar little pep talk, encouraging it to grow healthy and strong.

Mom (be sure to check out this link, different from the one above, this is her Gardening Glog!) was down for a visit a few weeks ago, and brought with her, the second annual Sunflower and Pumpkin Seed Kits for her and Makiya. A little eager perhaps (?!) we have already started them, and they are growing along beautifully!

I am also counting the days until we can set up the new greenhouse mom brought for me!! Spoiled gardening newbie = GRATEFUL!! 

I was thrilled to be able to attend a community Seed event last weekend, where we picked up some Heirloom seeds, and of course, tons of information on topics including permaculture, worm farms, CSA Farms in our community and an assortment of other idea inspiring literature.

I got to work later in the week, and prepared some seed cups from toilet paper rolls; I have heard mixed reviews on these, but am optimistic that they will work out just fine. We started some Mini Bell Assorted Peppers in those, and in larger pots began, what I am quickly realizing, TOO MANY Broccoli seeds! I began to panic when they sprouted after only two days and how many healthy extras I have, but decided that I can always give them away to family and friends once they get bigger and stronger; in fact, I think they will make a wonderful little gift! I was worried about the pots/containers I would need in the meantime, but have come up with a plan to make our own paper pots, I will let you know how THAT turns out!

I desperately want to get a compost started, and would love to get a worm farm going; things to come soon! I HAVE started saving my coffee grounds and eggshells though, and for the time being have begun using them on my house plants.

Again, inspired by Pinterest, I have begun to create a few little things, with, of course, a mind full of projects and pictures to come!

                                                                     Our birdfeeder...

                                 My jars and vase freshened up...the pics don' treally do it justice...

And a little from my little artist girl…

More to come soon!

I Found the Moss!

It was a beautiful and sunny day here, and FINALLY warm enough to get out and have some fun!

Of course, with moss on the brain, between snow angels, snow shovelling, sliding and checking out all that was covered in snow, I went searching for materials for the terrarium I have been excited to make.

I wandered through the garden area, and was surprised to find two clumps of moss covered dirt! Well of course that ignited the drive to find more. And there it was, still growing on the tree!  A little brushing away of the snow, a little screwdriver that was just close enough to grab and I was able to peel away some nice batches of moss. A few rocks, pinecones and a little stump (I think it looks like the foot of an elephant!) that had been cut away from our Christmas Tree, and inside we went to create our little terrarium.

I quietly held onto the cover from Makiya’s birthday cake (thank you Grandma for the DQ Ice Cream Cake!), dreaming of ideas, things we had around the house, what we could use to turn it into a beautiful little terrarium. Along with our outside treasures, we added some cat grass seeds that I hope will get sprouted in the next couple of days. (I have some plants almost ready to take cuttings from, and as soon as they are ready, we will add them too.)

And here it now is!

We both had a blast putting it together, and are excited to watch it grow!

Random Catching Up...

I have gotten off to a bit of a slow start in the way of keeping up with my theme of Motion for the year. Although I did get a major start on organizing our disaster of a basement, it was only to find baby girl and I SICK the very next day, and two weeks later we sit with not much else accomplished.

During this down time, I have being quietly pinning, pining and planning away over on Pintrest, and boy have I come up with some wonderful ideas to do around the home, crafts with Miss Magoo, gardening ideas, recipes and oh I could go on! My husband actually pinned me down on it last night; “So, how many pins do you have now, thousands?! What are you going to do with it all?!” Well, honey, that’s just it, I hope to DO all of it, eventually! My mind has been working around several of the ideas, and I am getting excited to get to work!

Adding to our downtime was the frigid temperatures we have endured for over a week now, and thankfully, we are finally coming around to warmer days! I am eagerly awaiting getting outside to play, explore and get moving after being stuffed up inside for some time now. I have an idea for a little terrarium for Makiya, and, perhaps crazily, am hoping to find at least some of our different mosses surviving beneath the snow, somehow!

On the topic of gardening, mom (and check out her new GLOG!!) and I started celery indoors, another idea found over on Pintrest, and are surprised to see how quickly each of ours is growing. Excited about growing veggies, or at least starting them indoors, Makiya and I just set a potato up to start growing as well. I love watching her excitement and curiousity every day as we check in on our new friends, she gets real close, kind of brushing her cheek on the celery (well, really ALL plants and flowers) and whispers to it, “You’re beautiful, good growing!” She randomly comes out with suggestions for this year’s garden, which I also love.

I’ve been collecting pretty much everything that I would often toss away or into recycling this past year, mostly with the intent of using them for crafts, but that has grown into gardening ideas and home décor crafts that I am also looking forward to creating; I love the idea of repurposing items into something fresh and new, and even more, the idea of NOT having to spend money on these “new” items!

So, looking at just a few of our pictures from the past few weeks, I guess I am making a wee bit of headway with the whole "motion" thing... Can't wait to keep moving and creating!

There's a Fire Under My Ass

Keep it simple; one word to convey my desires for 2012?

Motion.

This year I want to see more, do more and be more. In order to do that, all of my good intentions, ideas and inspirations need to be attended to; I need to get MOVING!

There have been so many things that I want to try, learn, see and yet they all sit there, in the back of my mind as grand plans for “another day”.

It’s time to DO them.

All of the things that I long to create in my life require that I take steps, forward movement, and I will never see the effect that I know they will have, the impact on my, and others, lives if I don’t light the fire under my ass and get MOVING!

I don’t need to jump off the ledge, go all crazy and dive into everything at once (ha ha, maybe I do?!), each little step is movement in the right direction. Each time I focus on now instead of later, do instead of put off, and pause to focus when I feel overwhelmed, I will be drawing myself back onto the path of my journey; again implying that I will be moving ahead.

Get moving to stay healthy physically and emotionally. Get moving to create the things I long to, from writing to crafting with Makiya, crafting for Makiya and for the home, gardening, indoors and out, crochet, sewing, cooking, educating Makiya and myself, all of these and many more things that I want to do!

Places to see, explore and enjoy are waiting, and I am tired of waiting for another day.

Today is the day to DO it! 

Ghosts, Spirits or Crazy?!

Awhile back I told you the story of my childhood friend, and since then, I really haven’t had any experiences to speak of.

Until my daughter was born, three years ago.

Shortly after Makiya was born, we stayed in an old farm house. The bedroom that we slept in (as a newborn, Makiya was typically with us) had wood panelling on the ceiling and the walls. Never sure if it was simply the knots etc, on the wood or more, we would often witness our two month old daughter laughing, giggling, cooing and generally RESPONDING to the ceiling. Yes, I know, it sounds strange, and my husband, not being much of a believer in ghosts, spirits, etc., was pleasantly baffled. Whatever it was captivated Makiya and appeared to keep her happily entertained.

Eight months later, we moved into the house we currently live in. The history of the house, the previous owner/tenant, was only vaguely hinted at, leaving my husband and I to create the story to our liking, and joking. We made jokes about the spirit of an older lady still being in the house, myself only partially kidding. 

Since we’ve been here I have, increasingly, seen, out of the corner of my eye, black shadows slice through the air. Nothing big, nothing that left me feeling frightened. Usually I second guess what I have seen, and quickly dismiss it. Although denying has become more difficult as it continues to happen.

My daughter for several months began telling us that she was afraid of the rocking chair in her room, because at night it “pinched and rocked.” Adding to that, she speaks of a man at night who plays the drum, singing ABC’s who puts her on the floor. I only add these details because while of course one can never really know for sure where the children come up with the things we say, it just nagged on my mind as I started to really feel as though there MAY be a spirit of some sort in this house.

A month or so ago as I sat in the living room with my daughter, again not quite in my center of vision, but more visible than just a flit of movement in the corner of one’s eye, I saw a larger swoop across the room from the window towards our tree (or the wall of Makiya’s room?!). I examined the room, the windows, the possibility of shadows from the trees, all to no avail; there was no possible way that it was a shadow coming in from outside, the sun was in the wrong place, and really there was nothing I can imagine that it could’ve been.

Roughly a week after that, sitting on the couch reading stories before Makiya’s nap, I suddenly noticed a RED, I don’t know, truly and honestly, it was like a beam, a laser beam?, ending on my shirt. I instantly dismissed it as the sun bouncing off Makiya’s hair and shifted. But it kept following me! It was clearly not the sun playing tricks, but, it did happen until I moved out of sight of the window.

Two nights ago, I was getting my freshly made bread bagged and into the freezer. I left the two bags on the counter as I turned to place one loaf in the freezer and as I turned I saw a large, white swoop and the bags fell to the floor. I instantly felt giddy and burst out laughing as I turned to walk away and down the stairs. I couldn’t believe it, but had to laugh AND get away from the situation.

Of course my husband, the non-believer, had to know what was so funny, and I in turn had no choice but to relay to him what had just happened. I don’t know if there is something wrong inside of my head, I wonder because of all my headaches?!, if I am simply going bonkers, OR, if I am really seeing something!

At this point, I don’t know what to think… how about you!?

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

Makiya.

My little angel.

My baby girl.

I never imagined I would ever hold you in my arms, and even when they finally placed you on my chest and I finally got to look into your amazing little face, I couldn’t seem to breathe, relax and accept that you had made your way to me.

In just these short three years that I have had you before my eyes, in my arms, on my mind and in my heart, I have been transformed, before your eyes and because of your life, love and innocence. You’ve made me see through the eyes of a child again, and brought me to a place that could never have one face anything less than that; to grow, live and laugh as a child. You have a joy and determination, a love for all that amazes me daily; you make me feel as naïve and hungry for learning and life as you must be.

I wonder about what you think about, the things you aren’t able, ready or perhaps willing to yet share. I wonder how you feel, what your thoughts are to this point about this world, your family… I long to know what truly makes you happiest, what interests you the most and what you would love to try, aside from EVERYTHING at this early age of three! I think about the parts of you that are forming, the things that are beyond, hidden behind, inside, the things that aren’t shouted, giggled and whispered about. I wonder about the person you are becoming.

I try my best every day, even on the roughest of them. I try to show you only the joys that a child should experience. I try to give you a childhood that will be woven into memories, happy and warm thoughts of a loving, learning and laughing time in your life.

I want only for you to breathe gently and inhale all of the world that surrounds you. I want for you to dance freely, as you do, releasing yourself to all that will surely come to you. I want for you to continue to sing as exuberantly, happily and straight from the heart and soul as I witness constantly throughout our days.I want for you to be all that you can, which is anything and everything.

You are the most amazing little girl; so smart, funny, strong and, of course, beautiful.

You are my world, my everything, my all. I would do anything I ever could for you, and I will always do my best to make sure that you are surrounded by nothing less than a true, peaceful and love filled home.

Happy 3rd Birthday my sweet girl!

Love, Mommy