This Day Was Meant For You

Every year at this time, she is filled with a consuming sadness. It leaves her exhausted and confused, despite knowing deep down inside where it stems from.

She was adopted as a baby.

This is a pain I can only imagine. Despite having felt myself at the depths of sorrow and sadness, it was something that feels pale and simple in comparison to her own struggle of emotions and overwhelming sense of aloneness.

Her senses of belonging and importance, her role, those things that make her special, are lost upon her at times; times such as now, her birthday.

She is my mom.

Her birthday is the day that reminds me of exactly what kind of a gift she was then, and continues to be now.

I am grateful that, no matter what the circumstances, she was born. Her beginnings in this world less than what most would dream of for their baby girl, I am grateful that she found her way into a loving family. I am thankful, and grow constantly more appreciative, for the journey that she has walked in her life. It led her to be the one chosen to be my mother, and it brought her and I to the place where we now are.

We are friends; bonded and connected by so many things, our turbulent past is almost laughable.

Happy Birthday Mom! It is your day. It is now, and it always has been. Look back over your journey with excitement and joy as you remember all the steps that you took to bring you here, now. All of these things that make you special, and uniquely you; these things that you are loved and appreciated for that make you amazing!

Today and every day, always remember how special you are to all of us. No one does it like you, and that’s the way it is meant to be!

I love you. 

A Long Overdue Thank You

For the past couple of years I have been allowing myself to feel angry with someone who had previously meant the world to me.

 I was angry because I felt that she had changed, and as my feelings grew a little stronger, I also suddenly had open ears for whatever anyone else had to negatively say about her. I allowed myself to become stuck in a place of anger, distaste and regret, when it came to her.

Something I heard the other day stuck out, like a message kind of hitting me over the head, and it told me it was time to really look at this situation, and clearly.

Whatever happened in her life, before or after our special time, is of no matter. Most importantly, it is of no matter to what our relationship meant to me.

What IS important was the role that she played in my life back then, what she was able to give me and show me about myself. The closeness that we shared gave me so much; taught me, allowed me to be me, and gave me warmth and comfort when I most needed it. She was the one I ran to, escaped to, when my world felt like it was crashing down around me. She was, what I felt at the time, the sole provider of unconditional love and support in my life.

It comes down to that whole thing about judging other people, and who am I to do that to her after all she offered to me?

As I have pondered this over the past few days, it has made me feel a little ashamed, and sad. While I may not have been the one to “change” our relationship, neither was she really. She grew and I grew, we just happened to grow apart; sad as that is.

I miss the closeness that we shared, the ability to openly and freely express exactly how I was feeling, the fun that we had together.

But, perhaps, the teacher’s job was done. The time that was needed between us passed, she was needed elsewhere, and I had to move forward in my own life of learning and teaching others.

Instead of grieving what had felt like and seemed to have been lost, instead of feeling angry and betrayed, I should have simply celebrated the role that she played in my young life. I should have been remembering to keep gratitude in my heart for all that she gave to me.

And so, for now, while I likely won’t be able to bring myself to actually say all of this to her directly, I still want to acknowledge it, say it aloud, put it out there, back into the universe and all of our energies…

Thank you. Thank you for being that special person in my life, the lifeline that, truly, kept me alive. Thank you for being understanding, non-judgemental, and, loving. Thank you for being there when nobody else seemed to think I was worth it. Thank you for believing in me, when no one else seemed able to. Thank you for letting me be who I needed to be then, for it has made me who I am today. Thank you. And, I love you.

Thinking out the Kitchen Window

This morning I caught myself, as I often do, staring out the kitchen window as I puttered my way around; washing dishes, putting things away and tidying the counters. My mind began to drift as I realized that what I was seeing is not my own, in many ways, nor is it what I wish to see.

I long to be in a little house, one of my own, and it should be on a quiet street backing onto a field, a forest, a haven of nature and all its beauty. Perhaps, even more, I’d like that little house to be IN the field, forest, or even the mountains, a magical place full of beauty, lessons, real life and true survival.

Instead, I am in an older home, rented, on the side of a major road. A place where I can watch as life, people, cars, all pass by at an alarming speed, the noise rising above and infecting my thoughts, and the mere thought of allowing my child to play and roam freely through our large back yard while I stand at that sink doing dishes causes my heart to skip a beat and my heart to tie in knots.

I wish for the simpler times, simpler in ways that seem to justify the hard, back breaking, painful side that also fully encompassed that life. Worries and concerns that were, perhaps, life threatening, changing, but real. Work, a lot of it, that fostered true appreciation for what was had, held, cherished, consumed.

I think about how different, how special, beautiful and healthy this world could be if only things were just a little simpler, not to be confused with easier.

Later, as I walked down the street, a quick trip to the corner store, my mind was still challenging the world, weaving words together, thoughts I wanted to get out, when I slowly began to take in the sounds of cars that were passing by; the whiiiirs of motors, the constant whispers, shelu, shelu, shelu, as tires tread through the muck of melting snow, the sudden blast of muffled music as a car speeds past.

I felt a little as though I was being smothered by a thick blanket of pollution, aside from the obvious reasons, it was as though all that surrounded me was infecting me with something that I didn’t want, rapidly taking over everything. A poison that was preventing me from feeling, seeing, smelling, tasting and hearing the beauty, stillness; that place from which we all come was being drowned.  

I was thinking how I just wanted out of this city, this place, these “problems and issues”, I wanted to escape to a quieter place all my own. I thought about what I really do want and need in my life, for my life.

And then, I was standing in the middle of an intersection, having been narrowly missed by a car that had mindlessly sped through the red light, as it came to a stop only two feet beside me.

The thoughts swirling around my mind cemented as truth.

The way that we are living should be different…

…it should be nothing like this!

Be Careful What You Wish For – It Will Be Yours to Have

I remember as a teenager “realizing” that I had the ability to “make things happen”. I also quickly understood that with that power came the need to remember an old saying “Be careful what you wish for.”, and I added “Because it WILL come true.”

We know that our thoughts and words hold the power in our lives, and that what we send out there always comes back to us. Perhaps just not always exactly WHEN we ask for it.

Years down the road, there are times that we may find ourselves confused about how or why we got to the place we currently are; the simple answer is because we asked for it to be that way.

I have caught myself a few times suddenly realizing, caught in an AHA moment, where it comes flooding back to me; that wish or desire that I expressed so long ago has FINALLY come to be.

Not always when, and certainly not exactly how we imagined it, but the essence of it still there.

*note to self-ALWAYS be very clear and detailed when asking the universe for something!*

I’ve always remembered that moment when I really understood that I did have this power in my life, but I have forgotten that it is mine to use.

I have the power to create the life, every beautiful little piece, that I truly want.

Riding the Glass Elevator

As though at the mall, in one of those glass elevators that looks out…

Crystal clear, the walls that surround me allow pure light to fall upon me and I am able to see far beyond my reach. Clarity and vibrancy like no other beckons me from above, and below the darkness threatens to swallow me into its depths.

Smart enough now not to step off on the bottom floor, but something still strong enough catches me willing to at least stop by, allow the doors to open and show me what lies beyond.

I’ve been down there before… Not  only am I able to see what could or would be, I KNOW with every fiber of my being what exists in that world; that place I tried to leave so long ago. Those are the whispers that follow me to bed each night, still vying for my attention as my eyes slip open in the morning… Reminders of a time and place I escaped years ago, and yet little flickers from their eyes catch me by surprise almost daily.

Dreaming of what is up there, able to see the beauty that sits waiting for me, I am able to make it to that top floor, but the doors don’t open wide enough for me to slip more than a finger past…

The things that I long for, envisioned and have dreamt about are just beyond my grasp, at times so close but I allow them to slip through my fingers…

For now, I find myself trapped within the four walls of this place that allows me clear enough insight to all the world has to offer me, but the inability to step off at any floor…

Gifts Can Be Found in One of "Those Days"

Those days…

When you know that you have over-reacted, but can’t bring yourself to apologize.

When you remain stuck in anger instead of letting go.

When you realize you’ve given over the power that is your own.

When you want only to mourn that which feels lost, as it sits before you.

When you miss out on joy, seemingly in preference to misery.

When that smile seems the most difficult to produce.

When you want to run and hide, but are forced into “action”.

When the to-do list seems insurmountable.

When every action and word seems to suck all the energy from you in an instant.

When you really want to be comforted, but can’t help yourself from being a bitch.

When all the words you long to say nearly escape, but don’t.

When you wish that you had a rewind button for your life.

When you wish that you had a fast forward button for your life.

When you wish that you had a delete button for your life.

Those days are the ones that have the most to teach us, and yet, it is the hardest to learn anything on those days.

Those days are the ones that we shouldn’t dismiss or try to forget, they are the ones that need to be looked at and carefully considered, as they are the days that will often repeat themselves until we are finally willing to open our eyes and do the right thing.

Nostalgic for Days Gone Past

These days, there is so much talk about the problems in the world; our food, transportation, waste, education systems, the need to recycle, reuse, reduce, etc., and, of course, like many people, it has got me thinking. I’ve been reading and thinking, reading and thinking, and trying in some small ways to make changes in how we do things.

It seems to cause much debate and discussion as we look for alternatives in the ways that we have become used to living, the ways that we’ve been taught, and told, to live our lives. It seems strange to people to consider living simply, as some of our parents and grandparents did, and some people around the world still DO live today. Their still seems to be a stigma around it all, adding to the discomfort felt in those who do ponder changing their lives, entirely.

I struggle, not so much on the fence, but not fully on either side anymore, or yet. While one can appreciate the advances and technology that we are now able to “enjoy”, the lack of appreciation and respect for these changes makes me question where the “good” in it all lies. We are a society who takes it all for granted, selfishly expecting it ALL, and NOW.

I think that what may have begun with the best of intentions, spiralled too quickly out of control and into the hands of greedy people who in turn created a greedy society.

As I find myself being pulled, in what some may call a step back, into a more natural and simple way of living, I wonder whether there is something, like a memory in our bloodlines, our DNA. Could these things, that seem so familiar and normal to me, almost like a second nature, really be a memory from my ancestors, or from another life of my own? Is it like an animal instinct buried deep inside that calls out to me?

Make no mistake. The genes we’re born with carry memory. They carry knowledge we’ve never learned, talents we’ve never studied, even fears of things that have never frightened us…. But someone, some time, in our blood lines, had these memories. Yes, you might say that all of us are haunted to some degree. You might very well say that. – John R. Maxim

Is it possible that this innate compulsion to change the way that we live, this nostalgic feeling that arises within as I look back to the simpler times, comes from somewhere in the past, my past? Was it inevitable that I would find myself in this place, making these changes and longing to do more?

When I was a little girl I loved reading stories about “the old days”, the days of the pioneers, Little House on the Prairie, and of course, my favorite place to visit was Barkerville. I was drawn to those simpler times and often dreamt of travelling back in time so I could experience all that I read about.

Of course, as I grew into a teenager, those things I loved got lost within me while I struggled my way into a life of my own. I forgot about some of the simple things that brought me joy and pleasure.

Since having my daughter though, I have found myself wandering back onto the path that I, obviously, was meant to be on. I find myself rediscovering love and passion for certain things, and times.

These things that made sense, things that perhaps I took advantage of, when I was younger, now make more than just “sense” now. They seem to be a necessity that I am driven to re-create in many ways. This is not to say that I consistently make the “right” choices in my life, or even the choices that I wish I could. Right now, I do what I can when I can. I believe that every small step and/or change made contributes to a change in the larger picture. It all starts somewhere, from the discussions to the little things; a shift begins.

Kicking Ass on the Scaredy Cat Pile

I found myself, many times, in 2012 simply unable to write. I tried, but as with everything else in my life, I just couldn’t keep focused long enough to continue.

So many thoughts and feelings coursing through my body, and I am, at times, simply incapable of keeping up. I suppose that I feel overwhelmed with all that sits upon and before me, and it has me feeling a little paralyzed in every way.

In order to overcome fear of any kind, isn’t it said that we must therefore plunge in headfirst? Dive in and face that which causes us to feel afraid. But, where do you begin when there is one helluva pile of scaredy cat sitting before you?! Which side of the pile do you dive in and swallow first?

I think I’ve got that part figured out though. Me. I start with me.

All of those little things I’ve been meaning to get to, to do, to start, to add to the routine, I start with those. Those things that make me better; healthier, happier… That’s where I start. One little step at a time, one day at a time and I turn them into parts of who I am, what I do, what I think and feel.

I don’t know that I can “start fresh”, but I can start each day doing and thinking the right things. One morning, one step at a time, I can BUILD it, and write it, all the way that I want to.

So 2013, let’s kick some ass all over the place!

Baby Girl Turns Four

Today, my baby girl, my lil’ ladybug girl, Ms. Magoo, turns 4!

I cannot believe how fast the time has gone by. I can’t believe that she isn’t a baby anymore! Sob…

While I wipe my tears away, I can’t help but smile.

I smile at the amazing little girl that I see before me. This little girl who has such a strong mind, definite likes and dislikes, preferences, plenty enough that we can only laugh as we shake our heads, interests that surprise and delight me, and a heart so tender and loving.

Every day I realize that I am the one learning. My little girl is, and has been since the day she arrived in my arms, teaching ME. She is the teacher that opens my eyes and so often she is the spark that re-ignites the fires of my own interests, beliefs, dreams… Simply by being herself, she inspires me in so many ways.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl! Live, love, learn and grow, be all that you can be… I love you baby!!

Lucky 13

2013.

I’ve never been pulled into the whole New Year’s hype. Sure when I was a teenager I went through the couple of years where I swore to do this and that; big plans with those resolutions… that never stuck! Don’t recall many big celebrations, aside from the crazy one when I was seventeen, ahem… other than that, it has usually been a quiet night, save for those years when I worked in the bars/pubs. Most recent years, we’re in bed or watching a movie, and by midnight, I’m either asleep, or the only one barely awake!

Last year, I did try to make attempt at the whole one word “resolution” thing; “Motion” was my theme. Well, on a physical level, that was a big ol’ FAIL, but on the intellectual level, deep inside, I guess that has been a huge success. A little too bad that I wasn’t able to make the two work together!

This morning, as I drank my coffee and strolled, or scrolled, my way through Facebook, my outlook for this coming year changed.

I realized that it was going to be 2013 tomorrow. 13. One of my lucky numbers AND the first, and only, time I will live through a 13^th year! Kinda cool I thought to myself, and decided in that moment that this “New Year” could be a GREAT one!

No resolutions, or plans that will likely fail. Intentions? Sure, quite a few actually; hope they don’t find their way into becoming “resolutions”!

Goodbye 2012. I am grateful for all you had to offer, all that you shared in an effort to help me grow and learn.

Hello 2013. Get ready ‘cause here I come!