"Like an old gold-panning prospector, you must resign yourself to digging up a lot of sand from which you will later patiently wash out a few minute particles of gold ore."
This quote reminds me of when my mom gave me Grandmas silver and pearl necklace. While I don’t recall the exact words, I think I have it saved in a card in my Hope Chest, it was a comparison of me and an oyster. The hard, protective shell of the oyster, much like the walls I put up, on the outside, with this beautiful gem on the inside.
I think of these walls often, in so many different contexts. I felt it as I walked down the street alone last night. I feel it when I am out in public. I allow the walls to stay up in the presence of family and friends at times. I know they’re up, but how exactly is it portrayed? Is it my stance, my body language, or is it my eyes or the expression that my face holds? Honestly, I assume it would be a combination of all these things. I don’t need someone to tell me when my walls are up, I know. I surely see it in the faces of those that I encounter. I can feel it in the air.
I put these blocks up, sometimes on purpose. But what would the purpose be? At times I am honestly more content to be within my own thoughts. I suppose there could be a level of fear, that of non-acceptance, or maybe it’s my own false judgements. I say false, because that which we dislike in another person, are the traits within our own selves that we struggle with. Perhaps we insist on carrying guilt or shame within us. Maybe it’s something else, but in the end we are holding onto something that will absolutely keep us guarded, but not necessarily safe.
To be so closed off. The doors that must close constantly right before my eyes. To allow ourselves to operate in this way is in some ways consenting to remain stagnant. We are basically saying that it is okay with us to stay EXACTLY where we are, without growing or learning. We are also sending out the message that we DON’T want extra love, guidance or opportunities. The walls only succeed in keeping US in. It doesn’t matter what trial we are faced with, it is only harmful to keep ourselves so locked up. We miss out on so much.
As I grow, I recognize these things more and more often. I have learned about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, my rights and wrongs… I have learned, and I suppose am still learning, how to love and respect the woman/person that I am becoming. I can see the precious things inside of myself, even if I have only shared them with a few, at certain times, they most definitely exist. I have light and gifts inside my soul that are still waiting to come out, and I know that. I am comfortable (albeit too comfortable at times and at others I do allow myself to become consumed) going through each stage, each chapter. At the end of each day I can consciously recognize that my journey is necessary. Just like everyone else, I AM going somewhere. THIS is all for a reason. I WILL (and DO) SHINE!
"There is deep wisdom within our very flesh, if we can only come to our senses and feel it."
—Elizabeth A. Behnke
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