Wishing You a Wonderful New Year!

This past year I have been shown much love, understanding, support and empathy from so many of you out there; the people I may not have seen in years and those of you I only know through writing and have yet to meet.

I have once again been shown what a magnificent power this platform, that of on-line social networking, truly has. I’ve been a part of communities that have shown unbelievable love and strength, and that taught courage while instilling wisdom.

I am so grateful for all of you.

On days when a smile is far from reality, YOU have brought me a laugh. During difficult times, I was reminded how lucky I am. My heart was opened, and shown the beautiful pieces of this life that we sometimes lose sight of. We encouraged one another, sometimes guided them or led them back from darkness. We were there for each other, when we needed it and how we needed it.

We have cried together, laughed together and learned together, all while sitting behind our OWN computers, and I find that to be an amazing gift that we have been lucky enough to share.

I can’t wait to be there, together again, as we continue along on our journeys! Have fun, keep smiling, writing, drawing, capturing photo’s, whatever is your passion, DO IT, and keep learning and growing as you do!

Wishing you ALL the best in 2012!

Good Riddance Day

Today is Good Riddance Day; the day we are to say goodbye to all those negative things from 2011.

I don’t know, this one grabbed me this morning and hasn’t left my mind all day long. I would suppose that we should make it a part of who we are, become practiced at, releasing those things that hold us back; physically, emotionally, or otherwise. But, especially now, as we come to the end of 2011 and prepare to walk onto the path of 2012, it actually makes sense to me, after the year I have been through; I deserve to make it a moment, and really say farewell to the thoughts and feelings that have followed and haunted me, month after month, day after day. I actually feel as though I should be burning a white candle as I write this! 

In the spirit of a new year, a fresh start, I let go of all the thoughts that held fear and doubt; those that prevented me from believing that I could do things in a different way than previously, or even differently than most others would choose.

I let silence live where it should, and welcome my voice back.

I say goodbye to “wrong” and invite my RIGHTS home.

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I release overwhelming loss and sadness; transforming it into acceptance, light and love.

I say goodbye to “dis-ease” and delight in health and growth.

I let go of just existing, putting one foot in front of the other, and excitedly look forward to LIFE!

I toss anger, regret and worry out the door, reminding myself that I, no one else, have the power on my journey.

I will remove “Can’t” from my vocabulary, because in nearly all instances, (as I constantly remind my daughter), we can do ANYTHING we put our minds to.

I deny the lies, those of others, or the ones I have told myself, and bask in the glow of truth and honesty.

I will, again, release guilt and shame, consciously accepting the facts as within my control and/or part of what it took to bring me to the place and person I am becoming.

I knock down the walls that I, yet again, have built and allow everything negative, all of the demons, to run, scuttle and cower away for good.

So, I say goodbye and “good riddance” to 2011, acknowledging the lessons, gifts and growth that were given to me; accepting and welcoming the spark that was ignited amidst the turmoil.

Hello 2012!

“Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion. Everything invites me to cherish it.” 

- Ninon de Lenclos

(Okay, after I finished writing, I DID grab a candle, read this aloud and blew out the candle; literally releasing the negative with my exhale! My heart began to race, I felt excited and giddy! When I blew out the candle, it felt cleansing and I revelled in watching the smoke, that came from the wick, dissipate!)

Finding My Way Through the Storm

I don’t know how or why, but there are so many things about life, myself and my hopes and dreams that I, early on, seemed to have just taken a sit back, expectant, it will come to me type of view upon. I kind of took for granted, assumed, that things would work out and I would end up, magically in the life I envisioned.

Ridiculously, I took the rest with a grain of salt, seeing it as par for the course, part of the journey “there”, and expected it to work itself out, without any help from me. The little nagging details that sometimes accompany situations, people etc., the things I foolishly ignored or turned the other cheek to; as if it would all just disappear in time and I wouldn’t have to face it.

It seems as though many of those ignored matters are suddenly blasting towards me, with their sing-song voices screaming “Aha ha ha!! Found you! We’ve been waiting for you!”

The repercussions of said ignorance can sneak up on you, and, suddenly, tear the very ground you stand upon out from beneath you. And there you sit, amidst the rubble, realizing that you should have kept your eyes, ears and mouth open. You are the one who led yourself to this point, and there is no longer a finger to point at anyone but the image that stares back at you in the mirror.

While that “inner voice of my source” that I often speak of reminds me, again, that it was all meant to be, I cannot help but shake my head at the naivety of my younger self.

Then, I have to shake myself back to the present, and in a louder, stronger voice say “STOP!” The only options I have are to move forward from HERE. There will never be changing any of my mistakes, only learning from them, and finding a remedy or changing the things that are still in my hands, or at least close enough that I could still do the RIGHT thing.

I suddenly feel as though I am the baby tornado, growing into its full fury and ferocity. Larger and larger it becomes, causing chaos and destruction along its path, until, hopefully soon, the storm passes and the tornado dissipates.

This change that lies before me on the horizon, I can see the strength that comes with it. I know that denials will no longer fit; they will seem to be a foreign and unwelcome state of mind. All that I want will come to be, and will be because of ME. 

Another Year... another leg of my journey...

As the year comes to an end, once again I find myself contemplating what has happened this year and what I hope to achieve, do, change in the New Year. I have never been good with resolutions, and even in changing my inner dialogue as to my plans for the year ahead, I cannot seem to ever keep up with them.

I hope this year is different.

Last January, I laughed in the face of silly horoscope predicting a year of tears and while not finalizing a plan, intended to get serious about my writing and submitting, and hoped to forge my way into some type of home based income. FAIL.

It certainly has been a year full of tears, personal revelations and a progressive shift in my outlook on life. With all that has happened, all I have learned, re-visited etc., I should think I have more than enough emotions, feelings and thoughts to work out through my writing, and therefore I should be able to get a lot of pieces finished, and, submitted all over the place! The changes that I feel myself upon, could more than benefit from my finding a way to earning some type of income, so I should hope that idea becomes more of a plan!

I know that the months that lay ahead for me also hold plenty more learning, growing and change. I know that my tears aren’t done falling and there will be more pain inducing situations. Am I more prepared for what lies ahead? Probably not. Am I still afraid, of what I’ve learned, what I haven’t and what could be? Absolutely. Am I ready?

Ready or not, here comes the New Year, and I do know that it will all play out just as it should.

 I know that I am on my way, and I know it is all for a reason; my purpose, my journey.

Painful Decisions

While on my way to the doctor this morning, I was overcome by the all too familiar sense of panic and anxiety. I have always found myself with a racing heart, jitters and an over active mind when faced with a doctor’s appointment of any kind. Perhaps it has worsened over the years, after experiencing several ectopic pregnancies, ovarian cysts that had to be removed, emergency surgeries, numerous doctors and ignored or unexplained pain and concerns. 

I find myself almost sick, physically, as I sit and wait for my name to be called, worried that I will be questioned about my apparent fear and nerves. This morning as I felt myself being swept away, I paused and forced myself to take the slow cleansing breaths.  “In through the nose, out through the mouth…” I repeated to myself, “breathe in the fresh, clean and new, breathe out and let the ugly, worry and dis-ease go with it…”, and it seemed to work, at least a little, until I walked into the examination room.

Already aware of the options about to be set before me, my mind begins to wander, exploring the feelings I thought I had sorted out. How I got to this place, what I always wanted, what was taken from me, what I hope for and what I know is likely not a possibility, all of these thoughts bubbling away inside my body. The unfairness, some of which I brought on myself, some of which leaves me with little options of my own, left to make decisions that must deeply consider another, others. And then the “Why?” of it all, why do the choices required for MY body have to depend upon the input, or even at times decisions, of others? Obviously the answer to that sits before me; because I have a heart do I consider others in making my decision and because a part of me has decided that is the “right” path to take.

As I sit before the doctor, it is almost as though he is a co-conspirator in this ploy to have the decision made for me. “Talk to your husband.” Well, okay, fair enough, of course I will. “Whatever you do, don’t get on the internet, don’t talk to your friends, aunts, grandma’s and neighbours. Everyone has an opinion, everyone is an expert. Don’t do it.”, the doctor tells me with a smile. So, again, take YOUR opinion as the “expert” one, and just let you take it from there?

For over fifteen years I have dealt with, at times, excruciating and unbearable, abdominal pain that has NEVER been firmly diagnosed. I have suffered numerous ectopic pregnancies, cysts that had to be removed surgically, laparoscopies to search for a cause of my pain, already pumped full of pain-killers, on my way into surgery pressured, and convinced, to have my tubes removed, and then I was told “Well, if it IS Endometriosis, many women find the symptoms disappear after pregnancy, we’ll put you on the list with the Fertility Clinic.” While of course that was not the reason I/we chose to get pregnant, it was like an appeal to my heart, the door had FINALLY opened, I was getting the longed for referral, I would have my chance!! And so, the In-Vitro Fertilization path was opened up. While words cannot ever describe how WORTH it the end result is, that is an extremely difficult road to trek. Pain? YES! Emotionally, physically and everything in between! I, being the “extra-special” case that I am, of course ran into complications. Amidst already invasive procedures, several drugs that play with your hormones and therefor your emotions, injecting MYSELF twice daily, nasal sprays, examination after examination, I then ran into complications, OHSS, Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. My ovaries swelled beyond the size of grapefruits and I was SICK and in more PAIN, I even had to have several gallons of blood DRAINED from my belly, while I was awake. Procedures said to be “uncomfortable” were excruciating for me, including the embryo transfer which left me in an agony I can hardly describe. Next came pregnancy, hard to be excited when I was sick 24/7, scared because of pain and other symptoms. Then, back labour that lasted the entire month leading up to delivery day. Oh my, let me just say that actually delivering her was NOTHING in comparison, I have never been in that much pain in my life, for a month!! Again, all worth it in the end!

The pains that were hopefully to disappear after having my baby girl? Worse, worse and worse. I began to experience new symptoms, which included belly button pain. All around my belly button, for 3 years now, feels permanently bruised, I’ve even had it turn black. This summer, it has begun to change again, for the worse. Pains that are worse than ever before, cramping that goes into my back and down my legs, at times comparable to contractions; I’ve even had to breathe as I did while I was in labour to make it through some of the episodes, nausea and a few other symptoms.

So while the other, complicated, decision regarding venturing down the IVF path again has been weighing heavily upon me already, I am now forced to look upon it all with yet another sense of urgency, a new vantage point.

To go through another exploratory, temporary removal of problems, laparoscopy to FINALLY make a diagnosis (hopefully), choose the undesirable, likely unhelpful option of Birth Control Pill/IUD, OR, the ultimate, end decision, to go ahead and have the hysterectomy…

Tonight, I sit here feeling drained. So many of these thoughts have already been on my mind for years, for months I have known that I was approaching surgery, likely of the exploratory nature, and fully knowing that a hysterectomy lays ahead for me. And yet, my mind and heart feel unsettled. The worries of future regret in choosing NOT to have another child, surgery all in itself, thinking that perhaps I really should turn to a natural approach, at least fully investigate it, taking of course MORE time, and then of course the finality involved in having a hysterectomy.

In the end I know, from somewhere deep within, that whatever choice I make now will be the RIGHT one, the intended journey etc., and yet, I can’t help feeling as though there will be a sense of regret/”wrong” in whatever I choose.

“In the infinity of life where I am,

All is perfect, whole and complete.

I recognize my body as a good friend.

Each cell in my body has Divine Intelligence.

|I listen to what it tells me, and

Know that it’s advice is valid.

I am always safe, and

Divinity protected and guided.

I CHOOSE to be healthy and free.

All is well in my world.”

I believe this is from Louise Hay, my apologies if I am incorrect.

It's Time

"You did what you knew how to do at the time, and when you knew more, you did better." 

-Maya Angelou

I love that quote, but lately, when I think about it, I am brought to a different place; I DO know better, and yet I am not doing better; or I know better, but I can’t influence others enough for them to do better.

As I have previously written, it has been an extremely difficult year, on many levels. The lessons set before me have been plentiful, and at times I have questioned how much more I could handle. Having been strong, or at least tried to appear strong at other times, there truly is only so much one person can take on before the façade begins to show signs of wear and tear. Cracks do form, and as hard as you resist it, fight it, unless the proper care is given, those cracks spread, and quickly. Once the foundation has been affected, we all know what begins to happen. Which is where I now find myself; broken, exhausted from the weight, and crumbling at a speed I’d forgotten possible.

I know better. I know that I can’t allow myself to succumb to these feelings. I know that I can only control my own responses and actions; I hold no responsibility in those choices made by another.  I know that silence does not bring about desired change, it only ties you down and buries you deeper in the darkness. I know that the power is mine alone.

…and yet, here I find myself.

I am too tired to care some days. Other days, while still tired, the realization brings me repeatedly to tears. My energy is too low to muster much of anything productive. My mind holds me prisoner, gripping me tightly, shackling me to it; it doesn’t give me a moment to breathe freely.

I remember being here once before, many years ago, as a teenager. Back then, I couldn’t see an end in sight, I didn’t KNOW the things I have since learned. Without a sense of, well much of anything, I came to a point of truly not caring. “What’s the point?” I often asked myself. No point trying, believing or hoping because I couldn’t see that I had the only power to make any changes.

Now, thankfully, I DO know more, and I KNOW that I WILL find my way through. I have just allowed too many things and thoughts to weigh me down without properly channeling my feelings, responses and energies. With that knowledge, I must take a stand, and pull myself back to where I should be, because I have several reasons to “care, try, believe and hope.” So many reasons…

In this, my typically dreaded season, I must find a way to deeply alter my perceptions and my actions. Where I usually prefer to snuggle in, content within the darkness of the winter months, hibernating in my own manner and ignoring the outside world to some extent, I must now find a way to allow light and the joys of re-birth to slip in a little early. I can’t allow myself to remain tucked away, wallowing in the muck. I have got to find a way to wake up; return to myself and life. I need to find the way back to my source, to the energies that are required and desired.

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Carlos Castaneda