I Can Do It

I have been feeling like a child who sits in the backseat of a car; a little too small to see the entire world, windows rolled up, prevent me from hearing the world that goes on around me.

I know there is life out there, outside my door, beyond my yard. But I am restrained. That silver chain that tethers my physical self to the self that resides in spirit and energy is too tight, it keeps me close; too close to spread my wings, to allow my heart to soar, to allow me move forward. I try to speak and all that comes out is less than a whisper.

I go back to that child, and I open the car door. I let her out to explore, to feel and experience life. I watch her with pleasure and joy greater than I can contain. I feel the tears spill onto my cheeks, and they comfort me in that moment.

I see the light in her eyes. I hear her laughter and squeals of delight as she discovers the world that exists at her very fingertips. I feel the warmth that exudes from her tiny body.

I reach out for her and feel the chain loosen its grip on me.

I can do it…

My Sweet Bully

She put herself in time out, for her in her words "being sassy"!

This sweet little girl clutches the dark corner of her blanket as she cuddles into my body as she sips her milk in the early hours of the morning. Her tiny little form warm against my own and that heavenly sweet smell that is all hers, filling me with love. She turns to me, holds my face in her hands, looks me in the eyes deeply and says "Mommy, I love you so much."

A few hours later, we make our way to the park. Her soft hand melting into mine as we walk and chatter back and forth as she notices everything, points out all she can name and wonders at all that she sees around her. As we near the entrance, I stop and kneel down to her level, “Makiya, there are other kids at the park. The park is for everyone to play together. Are you going to be nice to the kids?” She roughly crosses her arms and slams them against her body, uttering the typical “hmmph” and loud “NO!” I stand and start to turn, “That’s fine, we’ll just go home then.” “No mommy, I sorry. Go to pawk!” We spend a few moments talking about how she needs to be nice and finally reached a calm point where I felt we may be okay to proceed to the park. We walk into the park and as she waves she says “Hi kids! Habing fun?! Hi kids! Habing fun?!” It only takes a moment, she is yelling “Nooo!!” and throwing rocks at the other children and succeeds in hitting me in the teeth with them. I firmly reprimand her, offer her a final chance and am not even fully standing back up before she throws more rocks and throws herself on the ground kicking and screaming. I stand her up, take her by the hand and lead her off to try to calm down with the lunch that I brought. We walked across the greenspace with her screaming, crying, falling down, and begging “No mommy! I sorry, I sorry! Go back to pawk! NO! No lunch! PAWK!!!!” After failing at lunch the playground had quieted a little and I again hoped it may be okay. We spent a few minutes laughing and playing; she made me go for a ride in the “car” and she amazed me with her agility and speed in climbing the ladders up to the slide. Then, we headed back to the “car” where we approached a group of kids, and again, she picked up two fistfuls of rocks that I quickly kept from being thrown.

We left that park and headed home.

In what I must admit would be giving yet another, hmmm, un-earned chance, before we made it home, we stopped at another little playground that was pretty quiet. As soon as she began to climb up, two kids appeared and she waved! “Hi kids! Habing fun!” Whew! Down the slide, laughter and giggles and a race back around to do it all over again. She climbed up and encountered the kids again, this time she wasn’t so friendly. I grabbed her by the arm and began to tell her we were leaving when she punched me in the face. I was stunned. I quickly picked her up and carried her back down and began to walk home. We struggled a moment as she proceeded to hit me in the face a few more times. I managed to strap her into her stroller for the first time in our entire outing. She thrashed and screamed the entire two blocks home, where she found herself in a time out immediately.

It was, thankfully naptime.

Stage or attitude that is purely her own? We shall see!

In the meantime, I can hear us being labeled as the ones with the bully child! The one who beats up her mommy!

Lessons in Gratitude?

“Cream of the crop” is a phrase I have heard repeated often during this past month.

I have listened to the words and rolled them repeatedly around my mouth and my mind. I have had a difficult time allowing them to register within me. They feel tainted by arrogance and smugness in many ways. If I step back, really take several paces backwards, I can see the words spelling out something far greater, something reserved for an elite part of society. Isn’t that funny?

My mind ponders the reality that each and every one of us will process the same situation in an entirely different light; none of us will truly ever experience the same moment in the same way as the person next to us. It doesn’t matter who that person beside us is.

So if we are to live a moment completely separate from those close to us, how is it possible to place judgments or condemnation upon them for their actions in the face of what lies before us? We cannot possibly fully comprehend that place from which their emotions and responses are born, not being immersed inside their mind ourselves, so how can we pretend to understand their actions?

However, there are some basic, hmm, I don’t know, courtesies, respects, LOVE that would and should come with these other things that may arise. Wouldn’t we think?

This month has reached peak levels in so many different places in my life, and instead of feeling more bonded, with anyone, I feel much more separate and alone. My eyes have opened wider, and sadly, parts of what, amazingly, still remained of my innocence, have been lost.

I feel far from what I imagine the phrase “Cream of the crop” to entail.

Somewhere, at the moment buried deeply, I can hear, and almost see other words calling out to me; “You ARE where you should be at this time. You ARE strong enough and you WILL make it through this time. Exactly on time, as you are intended to.”

In the end, it really doesn’t matter how the others respond. It matters how I respond. How I learn and grow from what these experiences are teaching me.

I guess what I need to do is take a standpoint of Gratitude. I need to appreciate that which has been placed on my path, for it has all been lessons offered. I only need to accept the gift.

Stay tuned...

Just wanted to let you know that I haven't disappeared!

I just got home, late Sunday night after spending two weeks out of province being with my family during a difficult time.

As if that wasn't tiresome enough, we got just outside of our city and blew the motor in our truck!

Thankful right now to have mom here; her help is as always immeasurable in the way of words...

I will be back soon, just need some time to recover...Emotionally and physically drained myself, and my husband and baby girl are in the same boat...

See you soon!