I mentioned Insidious during check in at my
last CAB session, and the facilitators, already familiar with him and his
relentless and seductive ways, gently pressed for more detail. One of the lead
facilitators sat, visibly formulating his strategy with each response I
provided. He, who I shall name “Mighty Mouse!”, sat, rubbing his palms together
in front of him, ominously, like an evil and menacing villain preparing to
reveal his destructive master plan. He eventually turned back to me and asked
if he might “try something” with “Insidious”. Eager to jump in and “do the work”,
I instantly agreed. Before he went to work, dramatically setting the stage
though, “Mighty Mouse!” had one final question for me, “Does “Insidious” have
arms or legs?” The obvious answer? “No.”
“Mighty Mouse!” identified that he planned
to use a Smart Recovery tool, DISARM (Destructive Images and Self-Talk Awareness
and Refusal Method), which, in my opinion, is basically working with shadows. He said, “the point in using this method, basically, is to incite a riot between self and inner addict/demon/gremlin/etc.”
The moment I said “Yes!” to being under the
spotlight, in the hot seat, panic took my breath away, anticipation about what would/could
happen, and anxiety coursed through my body. And then I caught myself; I am
determined to do this work. I immediately sensed a shift of vibration and
energy in the room, and myself; a dark cloud descended upon the room. Amid
cleverly placed pauses, loaded with deafening silence and suspense, “Mighty
Mouse!” had someone pull an empty chair
up to the table across from me, at which point my fear peaked as I imagined
myself facing “Insidious”. Slowly, like
a painfully drawn out plot twist, he invoked a clear vision of ME sitting in
that chair, with “Insidious” where I sat; I was going to be answering AS “Insidious”.
First came introductions, “So, you’re “Insidious”?
Do you know Laurinda, over there? Oh, well, I am a friend of hers…so and so… Do
you mind if I ask you some questions?”. Then came the very well-played
interrogation, and the answers “Insidious” arrogantly and deftly provided, with
a bloodthirsty smirk. “What do you think of Laurinda?”, “What do you plan to do
to her? How do you manipulate and seduce her? What do you plan/desire to do to
her goals/future? What HAVE you done/taken from Laurinda? What are your plans
for her daughter?”. “Mighty Mouse!” unloaded an arsenal of deep questions, and
the joy “Insidious” finds in torturing me, his beloved prisoner, was evident in
every response. He wants to crush me, every one of my hopes, dreams,
opportunities, and relationships; he wants to destroy my life. He happily
acknowledged all that he has already taken from me, in the form of hope, time,
peace, love, success, etc., and calmly admitted plans to lure my daughter into the
same darkness of his lair. As was expected, “Insidious” had a lot of cruel and
nasty things to say about me, and of his dark intentions for our future together.
The intensity of what I was hearing/saying
became like a weighted blanket on top of me. I remember fully immersing myself,
letting go of the fears around being vulnerable in front of mere strangers, and
feeling the blanket fall on me like a heavy snowfall… Everything and everyone
around me seemed to melt away, fade to nothing. There was only my awareness of “Mighty
Mouse!” and “Insidious”, and the tears that slowly washed over my cheeks.
Next, “Insidious” was asked when he came
into my life, and we both blankly pondered the “always” that flashed before us.
(That’s a whole ‘nother journey!) He admittedly enjoyed how easily he did manage
to take control of me though, “before she (I) even had a chance”. He wants to
destroy me, simply because he can.
“Mighty Mouse!” further probed on how exactly
it is that “Insidious” maintains his control over me, having “no arms or legs
and all”. “So, the power that you have over Laurinda is based on what?” It’s
based on the straightforward fact that I have believed his harsh and deceptive words and trusted his whispered
promises of solace. I just do what
he tells me. Then, “Insidious” was asked what one thing he did not want ME to know
would be. The answer? “That she DOES have a choice, free-will, a mind and power
of her own.”
“Insidious” thinks he’s keeping a secret
from me. A secret that he knows, once I realize the truth, his game will be
over. He is afraid that I will take back MY POWER.
His fear? His weak spot? Losing his control
over me.
My triumph? My vow? His losing control
over me.
The process was killer, and I dropped a lot
of “F@$%” and “holy $#it” bombs during that session. I remember “worrying” a
few times during the interrogation, certain that I would have to stop, but “Mighty
Mouse!” led so well, it was almost easy to “stay in character” as the internal tension
within me increased.
It was such a highly intense and volatile
experience, and yet deeply cleansing and powerfully motivating.
“Insidious” has been a predator, a monster,
in my life, but truly he is a weak and desperate NOTHING. I am not done with
him yet. I have some table turning to do with him, and a couple more “letters”
to address; each step I take, he falls a little further into the fire.
I will remain diligent and aware. His power
over me does, and will continue to diminish every day.
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