Be the Monkey

My thoughts are often dominated by my daughter, pondering what I want her to know, feel, experience and what I don’t. In my mind, for some of the most important things to stick, to become part of her thoughts and beliefs, they need to be instilled early on.

It is important to me that she never feels embarrassed or afraid to be herself, and that she feels free to express her thoughts and feelings, no matter what. I don’t want her to worry about being judged by anyone for any reason.

In order for her to learn that, I believe that she has to see it.

In the most sacred of moments, perfectly timed chances, my daughter catch me by surprise, as we walk down a busy street, stand on a crowded train platform or in line at the store, and she invites me into her magical fantasy world.

 In these situations, I could become trapped by thoughts of what people will think, but instead, my concern is only with what will go through her mind, what she will take away from the moment.

I joyfully dive in, full of pride and a sense of freedom; I become the monkey swinging from trees, the wolf howling at the moon, the performer belting out some wacky song, with moves to go along with it, whatever creature or character I am directed to be, I become. I join her in that wondrous place between imagination and reality, where anything and everything is possible.

When the moment calls for monster that chases and captures children for dinner, or a hungry, roaring lion to feed its hissing snake baby, or a twinkly, spinning dance across the sidewalk, count me in.

When I see her face light up with delight and admiration, I am satisfied on so many levels, knowing that in that one moment, she received a lifetime of positive lessons and memories.

And so did I.

Quit Waiting - Just Do It!

Have you ever spent time waiting for the “right time”, or thinking, “if it is meant to be, then it will be”?

I know I have. Truthfully, I realize that I have lost a lot of time lingering in this place of waiting.

There is never a “right time”, as perfectly formed as it exists within the mind’s eye. And, for something to BE, that would involve putting forth the effort to make it so.

One could spend their entire life waiting on one flawless moment, or for the timing to be ideal for another person, and ultimately never accomplish the things they hope and dream to.

If it is the right thing for you, then the time is NOW.

Everything else will fall into place exactly as it should.

Life will absorb the rest; the people, the circumstances, the money, the time, it will all respond as is intended.

If there is something you want, go out there and get it!

The time will never be more perfect than it is now.

Day of the Grumpy Bitch

No beating around the bush on this one; I was a grumpy bitch today.

“Why?” and “What’s wrong?” were certainly not the questions I wanted to answer. I am sure the loud, high pitched response, “What isn’t wrong?!” wasn’t the desired answer to the questions either.

It wasn’t just one thing, it was several things weighing heavily on the mind, and that damn Tupperware lid that ceased to appear was just icing on the whole disgusting cake.

It’s definitely been one of those days where the crazy just keeps piling up, and, there was no relief to be found for the tight looking, screwed up face with eyes that could kill if you look too deeply into them.

As the day finally begins to wind down, the tears begin to fall.

Regret at wasting a day being stuck in such a dark place, not finding (enough) time to laugh and giggle with my girl and allowing anger, sarcasm and impatience to rule instead.

Well, it was what it was. No changing that now.

I did what I could, and that’s that.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Bring on the beautiful, fresh new day. Let the sun shine brightly and the laughter flow freely.

I can’t wait.

Lesson of the Week

The past few months (perhaps if I were to be completely honest, I would admit that it’s actually been closer to a year) have held vast amounts of uncertainty and worry in my life, and I realize how that has impacted the job I have been doing as a Mommy.

Days where my inability to concentrate or fully BE with my daughter have added up, run together and become more of a consistency at times than the days where she was my world, fully. I “have” to do this or that, it’s time to make lunch/dinner, we have to go to the store, it’s “time” for this and that, “in a minute honey!”, “not now”, “later”, all becoming more and more frequent.

I have observed changes in her that I, out of feelings of guilt, attribute to the change in our patterns.

It makes me feel horrible. I have moments where these realizations cause me to panic.

After allowing stress to be the ruler of our days for so long, and tired of the walls closing in around us, I hit a point in the past week where I decided that it was time to let her have some fun. I found a couple of new, free activities for us to attend; I wanted to get out and do some things that were new and different, in addition to the regular Storytime at the library and her Music Class.

What started out as a plan with the best of intentions, I now realize, was not the required prescription.

Instead, I feel totally wiped out; not to mention the gazillion things that didn’t get done this week.

My girl? She is exhausted and cranky.

She hit the nail on the head when we got home this afternoon, just in time for me to start dinner, “I just want you to sit down and read with me!”

Lesson of the week: She doesn’t want to do more, get out more, see more. She wants me. Fully present, happy, fun and engaging, ME. 

Gift From an Angel

That time of year again, when my mind drifts backwards, slipping back to the day that is now seventeen years ago.

My belief that things happen for reason, nothing is an accident or a coincidence, falters, and I am blindsided by that old feeling of fault and blame.

 Forever etched in my mind and heart; like a scar.

I am sure that for the rest of my life I will remember this day, in full detail. All of the time that led up to the day and even the brief period afterwards; and sadly, it will not be a day of happy recollection.

Deep down inside, I know and I can say, rationally, that what happened was a plan that had nothing to do with me; it was someone else’s journey, the path that was meant for them and my own path did nothing to effect theirs.

Somehow though, I can never seem to fully accept that as the truth.

Had I not been willing to be an active participant in something that I knew was not right, perhaps several other paths wouldn’t have had to take a turn down a horrifying, heartbreaking and dark road. If I had not been involved, maybe their lives would have been brighter and happier, not broken by sadness and loss.

Is it right that I put such a heavy weight upon my own shoulders, by accepting blame that was never voiced? Is it selfish of me, just as I was then, to even consider that they would waste time and energy blaming me?

A family that likely would have encountered the same issues, whether it was me or another, met with something bigger than all of that could have ever amounted to. And it wasn’t someone else, it was me. While I may not be to “blame”, physically, I didn’t cause it to happen, I did add other physical and mental stresses that couldn’t have made things any better, easier or healthier.

What happened taught me though. It taught me a few things then that have absolutely stayed with me.

I learned how sacred and special certain connections are, and how in an instant they can be taken from you. I learned how no one has the right to step in between that which they have no possible way of understanding of the workings to begin with.

That night, seventeen years ago, after being pressured into going to the hospital, I broke down. I couldn’t believe what I saw, and realized that I couldn’t begin to imagine what this family had been, and was now forced into, dealing with. I knew that I had no business being “close” to this family.

I wasn’t running from pain; I was running away from being the cause of pain. From that moment, I couldn’t stand the thought of being involved any longer. My heart was aching, throbbing with pain that I couldn’t fully understand, but that I knew was bigger than anything I had dealt with before.

 I struggled with how to end the misery. After all that had recently happened, who was I to now add my departure to the mix? (There’s that old selfish talk again!) Despite all of the hurt and pain that already existed, it was easier to prolong the disengagement until things had calmed down a little bit. And so, I pretended that everything was the same and that I could handle it all; indifference being one of my strong suits. If I didn’t care, nothing could hurt or affect me.

So, I walked the fine line between being involved and doing my own thing, quietly, carefully and “thoughtfully”.

The old wasn’t ready to be tossed to the side, and soon became that annoying entity that wouldn’t leave, or allow me to quietly go. That friendly old situation that pulls strings, manipulates, threatens and frightens, all with the belief that they will be able to make you change your mind and find your will to actually be their own.

But, for once, it clicked, and I realized I was strong when I needed to.

The attempts at reining me back into the web were never going to succeed, and I wasn’t going to be a player or even a bystander any longer. I broke the tie as quickly as possible and never looked back.

That perfect, sweet, angelic face was more than I ever needed to realize the truth; I learned my lesson.

Thank you angel. And Happy Birthday.