Release the Toxins!

Years ago, my boss sent me a few doors down in the posh, high end "Village" where we were located to enjoy a full body massage. I remember being so excited, never having experienced a professional massage, and initially, a bit intimidated and a little out of place, but once I relaxed and gave in to the moment, it was pretty fantastic! It was very intense, in totally good way, though I did have to instantly have her stop working on an area in my feet, which is linked with my back and initiated some serious discomfort, but aside from that, it was wonderfully peaceful and relaxing.

Until I left.

I was dizzy, totally nauseated, and just felt completely awful. It was explained to me that this was likely due to the toxins that were released into my body during the massage, and my boss promptly sent me home to rest for the remainder of the afternoon. Needless to say, I’ve never gone for another professional massage!

 It occurred to me today that all of this deep work that I am doing inside of myself is quite similar to that massage.

I’m working muscles I’ve not used before, or not recently, putting strain on them, and then attempting to make repairs and heal those muscles. I’m digging into thoughts and feelings that have been buried far below the surface for a very long time. I’m exposing them, bringing light and truth to them, so that I can find release and healing. (Sounds a lot like the physical aspects of that massage!)

My mind is foggy and I am feeling terrible physically. It’s just like how I felt when I walked out into the sunshine after that massage years ago. I feel drained, sick, physically ill, and just YUCK.

I see similarities in the then and now, which has given me the impression, a vision of sorts, that my process of healing and that massage really are quite alike.

 All this trauma drama that I am sifting through is literally toxic shit that has been stored inside of me for a VERY long time. As I have gently massaged, poked around, unearthed… stuff and thangs… I have opened up several “cans of worms”, emotionally, in the process; I’ve begun releasing the toxic shit. I think right now, what I am feeling, like the aftermath of that massage, is the toxins swimming around inside of me.

This is a good thing. It tells me that the process is fully in motion, and that I am actually healing mentally and physically.

I’m working on the sore spots, bringing some comfort, and easing the pain. This is causing things to relax in there, which is allowing me to begin letting go of the toxic shit. Now I’m currently in that next phase, the “feel the feelings”, walking through the feelings to get to the other side, stage. As expected, it feels really shitty here, like reeaaallly gross, but I know, I am closer than I have ever been in my life to truly accepting and letting go of all the chaos and pain that I have been carrying.

I recognize that this is the time for even more gentle self-care and patience with myself as I walk through this leg of my journey. I have a lot of absorbing and accepting to do inside, and it’s time to comfort, forgive and be truly honest with myself.

Change?! MY?! Addictive?! Behaviors?!

Last year at this time, I was beginning to see the validity in the suggestions I had been hearing from my team and others. I realized that, I had to fully focus on my healing and recovery, which I desperately needed to do; for myself, and for my daughter. Which meant that I had to stop homeschooling my girl. I finally, and reluctantly, decided to enroll her in school. I felt like I was giving up, as though I was weak because I couldn’t get it all under control. But, big surprise, I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN! (That was a hard one to accept! LOL) Amid the feelings of grief and loss that I had over this transition though, I also began to give up the twisted sense of control that I thought I had, and the many excuses that I was desperately clinging to.

With my daughter in school, I now had the time and opportunity to attend this CAB (Changing Addictive Behaviors) group the team had been encouraging me to try. I was beyond nervous, and my anxiety was through the roof again as I prepared myself to go.  Many irrational thoughts bounced around my mind, excuses and reasons as to why I shouldn’t and couldn't go. I mean seriously? Me? Attend a GROUP?! People? Strangers? Talking about my feelers? HOW was this going to be good for me?! I had many fears surrounding the stigmas held about Mental Health and Addictions, the people I might see, specifically and generally. I was also full of my own expected and perceived unreasonable judgments about others.

The group was small, consisting typically of 2 facilitators, and about 4 or 5 of us clients. I immediately felt comfortable with both of the facilitators, one a comically serious, chatterbox, and the other a down to earth, peaceful, wise mama figure. Despite the intimacy found in a smaller group, I felt very uncomfortable. Each session began with a brief check in, which I consistently glossed over, only sharing how I currently felt that morning, and occasionally suggesting a topic. I totally avoided acknowledging where I was in my “clean time”, because I didn’t have any; though I was certainly not alone in that. I typically showed up hungover. I began to have a sense of relief in the comfort of being among people who not only GOT my fucked up ways of being, they too HAD these thoughts, patterns, behaviors! I listened avidly, absorbing bits of the Smart Recovery tools that they shared, even taking a few worksheets home to "work on". Still, I shared very little about my own journey and struggles. I was too afraid, and fully immersed in shame and guilt. I felt like a fraud.

While I always felt a sense of peace and acceptance after attending CAB, I still easily, and readily succumbed to the many excuses I was able to create in order to NOT attend. The team continued to gently push and encourage me to go, but I still wasn’t ready to commit to myself, to dive into my healing and recovery.

I needed to get honest with MYSELF before I could begin to share my truth with anyone else.

The months grew darker, literally and internally, as we came in to November and December and the holiday season. My motivation lessened, the Rabbit Hole became a dangerous place of comfort, and there I set up camp, prepared for, and anticipating the warm blanket of numbness. 

I stopped going to CAB and fully immersed myself in dangerous behavior, depression and drunkenness.

Good Riddance Day

Today is Good Riddance Day; the day we are to say goodbye to all those negative things from 2011.

I don’t know, this one grabbed me this morning and hasn’t left my mind all day long. I would suppose that we should make it a part of who we are, become practiced at, releasing those things that hold us back; physically, emotionally, or otherwise. But, especially now, as we come to the end of 2011 and prepare to walk onto the path of 2012, it actually makes sense to me, after the year I have been through; I deserve to make it a moment, and really say farewell to the thoughts and feelings that have followed and haunted me, month after month, day after day. I actually feel as though I should be burning a white candle as I write this! 

In the spirit of a new year, a fresh start, I let go of all the thoughts that held fear and doubt; those that prevented me from believing that I could do things in a different way than previously, or even differently than most others would choose.

I let silence live where it should, and welcome my voice back.

I say goodbye to “wrong” and invite my RIGHTS home.

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I release overwhelming loss and sadness; transforming it into acceptance, light and love.

I say goodbye to “dis-ease” and delight in health and growth.

I let go of just existing, putting one foot in front of the other, and excitedly look forward to LIFE!

I toss anger, regret and worry out the door, reminding myself that I, no one else, have the power on my journey.

I will remove “Can’t” from my vocabulary, because in nearly all instances, (as I constantly remind my daughter), we can do ANYTHING we put our minds to.

I deny the lies, those of others, or the ones I have told myself, and bask in the glow of truth and honesty.

I will, again, release guilt and shame, consciously accepting the facts as within my control and/or part of what it took to bring me to the place and person I am becoming.

I knock down the walls that I, yet again, have built and allow everything negative, all of the demons, to run, scuttle and cower away for good.

So, I say goodbye and “good riddance” to 2011, acknowledging the lessons, gifts and growth that were given to me; accepting and welcoming the spark that was ignited amidst the turmoil.

Hello 2012!

“Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion. Everything invites me to cherish it.” 

- Ninon de Lenclos

(Okay, after I finished writing, I DID grab a candle, read this aloud and blew out the candle; literally releasing the negative with my exhale! My heart began to race, I felt excited and giddy! When I blew out the candle, it felt cleansing and I revelled in watching the smoke, that came from the wick, dissipate!)

Marriage

There are days when you can barely look in them in the face for fear of saying or doing something you may regret; sooner or later.


There are days you wake up and can’t wait to look into their eyes, spend all day with them, do anything and everything with them; TODAY!

There are hard days.

There are days you know you will cherish and laugh about for years to come.

Some days it’s easy.

Some days, it’s hard as hell.

Some days you laugh.

Some days you cry.

Some days you can’t wait for them to walk out the door.

Other days, you wish they could call in sick.

There are days you reminisce about your wedding day.

Then, there those days you wonder “what was I thinking?!”

There are days you smile.

There are days you scream and yell.

There are days you don’t think you will ever survive.

There are the days you ask yourself how you got so lucky.

We love and we hate.

We adore and we despise.

Most days, we simply try.

We do the best that we can.

Marriage. It isn’t easy. It isn’t without hard work. It isn’t without strength and endurance. It is about tolerance and perseverance. It is about trust. It is about growth.

It is an amazing journey.

I Can Do It

I have been feeling like a child who sits in the backseat of a car; a little too small to see the entire world, windows rolled up, prevent me from hearing the world that goes on around me.

I know there is life out there, outside my door, beyond my yard. But I am restrained. That silver chain that tethers my physical self to the self that resides in spirit and energy is too tight, it keeps me close; too close to spread my wings, to allow my heart to soar, to allow me move forward. I try to speak and all that comes out is less than a whisper.

I go back to that child, and I open the car door. I let her out to explore, to feel and experience life. I watch her with pleasure and joy greater than I can contain. I feel the tears spill onto my cheeks, and they comfort me in that moment.

I see the light in her eyes. I hear her laughter and squeals of delight as she discovers the world that exists at her very fingertips. I feel the warmth that exudes from her tiny body.

I reach out for her and feel the chain loosen its grip on me.

I can do it…

Disconnected

Every time I log onto the computer lately, “Disconnected” seems to pop up everywhere. Its screams reach out at me and echo within. A conversation with my BF found the word floating freely from both of our mouths.


Disconnected is exactly how I feel right now, on so many levels. I don’t feel connected to anything in my life. I am drifting slowly along the path like a zombie. I mindlessly perform required actions and find even the small tasks drain the energy from my body. Last night, by 7:30 PM I could literally not keep my eyes open. I was and am listless. My joints ache and my muscles hurt. My mind is full of many things, but, it’s like looking at a foreign language; none of it makes sense to me. The little things overwhelm me and cause my body to react as if faced with sensory overload. It is as though there are sirens and wind, flashing lights and screaming, my skin is crawling and my heart is racing, my chest feels tight and it is hard to breathe. Anxiety constantly consumes me from head to toe.

In an effort to cope, after pushing endlessly through, I have now become disconnected; the fact only causing more distress inside. I know that I will wake up one morning, and all will be back on track. Everything will return to “normal”. Do I want it to, I don’t know. Can I hang on, while that time only appears on the horizon as an imaginary oasis? Will my heart hold out, not suddenly seize up in the midst of an anxiety attack? Will I manage to wade through the growing puddle of tears?

I know there is no option, I can and will get through this. There are times when life seems to chew us up and spit us out distastefully. We become so intertwined with the daily pressures that the walls around us begin to suffocate us. In addition to everything else in our lives, we become wives, mothers and maids all in one, and suddenly, who we are becomes lost and confused. It can be scary and depressing. It can be overwhelming at times, but we have no other choice but move forward.

I will become “disconnected” from this passage and become part of a new one.

Dinnertime Tears

Last night, as I prepared to make dinner, I made a single mistake. While this little error in judgment was certainly not the end of the world; in that instant my world DID stop. I broke down into tears. My husband gave me a little look, followed by words that kind of grind the moment down even further, “It’s that bad that you’re now going to be all grumpy?” Needless to say, he didn’t receive an answer!

The answer to his question was “No.” However, in that minute where everything changed from what I had expected, the weight of the world crashed down upon my shoulders. Every other frustration in my mind, every worry and concern; I suddenly felt like I was beneath a large, dark mountain. I couldn’t control the tears as they began to fall. Large, wet drops streamed down my face. I stared out the window, conscious of the fact that I wasn’t crying about dinner. All of the things I’ve wanted and all of the things I haven’t wished to experience just seemed to smother me then. “What do I do now?” was echoing through my mind, but the question was no longer about dinner. I honestly felt like just walking out the door into the dark, wet streets and wandering.

It took me awhile, but I finally took a deep breath in…through the nose…and let it all out…through the mouth. There was certainly nothing that could be done to solve anything at the time, so I knew I had to just step forward. After all, dinner wasn’t going to cook itself!

Today, I can more fully comprehend what was happening inside of me last night. It has reminded me of a few important things:

1. We should never judge another’s reaction to any circumstance; you don’t always know where exactly the emotions are really coming from.

2. Keeping things bottled up inside is never a good thing, those emotions are guaranteed to come out in the worst and least expected times.

3. Life doesn’t fix itself. Nothing in our lives will change unless WE do something to bring that change about.

4. Love and Marriage require work; consistent and continuous work. I miss my husband. Yes, he is here, but we have been going through a bit of a rough patch. We are both missing each other, but, we’ve obviously not been paying attention to what I mention in #3!

I’ve got some thinking and work to do it would seem! At least dinner is already cooking away in the Crock Pot!

“To give ones heart, is to give all” – Ghandi

“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” – Lao Tzu

“You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don’t. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly.” - Rumi