tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15794283373120196842024-03-18T20:17:02.465-07:00seasons of life...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.comBlogger204125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-266977285046028902019-01-22T23:07:00.000-08:002019-01-22T23:07:33.603-08:00Grateful Bear<br />
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<span lang="EN-US">I am grateful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I am grateful, and
proud of myself, for the hard work I have been doing these past ten months on
my Healing and Recovery Journey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Tonight, I REACTED
instead of responding.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I felt as though I
had reached a breaking point. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I was mad;
stemming from sad as they would say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Rejected by an
original player in the games that have spun ‘round and ‘round inside of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Looked down upon,
scornfully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Provoked and
belittled; poking the bear…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Poking the MAMA
BEAR as the attack now threatens my daughter’s sense of self-worth and
belonging.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I am now able to acknowledge
that those harsh words and voices hurling towards me are part of the past.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I can recognize
the depth of the turmoil that still has this individual drowning in pain as
they continue to spew the very same hurtful words from childhood that created these
storms to begin with.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">These days, it’s
much easier to accept these things for what they truly are/were.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">It is easier to stand
up for myself, to realize when I need to put up a boundary, or even a wall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I know that I deserve
so much more than I have allowed myself to believe I was worthy of, and that
recognition has me far less tolerant of half-ass people in my life, and
especially in my daughter’s life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">It pisses me off as
I realize that the lack of effort shown by people that claim to care about us is
the clear indicator of where we truly fit into their lives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I am done chasing
people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">It doesn’t matter
who they are, or who they were.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">If I, or my girl, am
not “good enough” to be shown respect and kindness, then the door will close. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I am finished
tolerating conditional, difficult, one-sided, phony relationships of any kind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I may have “reacted”
tonight, but more importantly, I stood up against selfish disregard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I also responded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I responded by
assertively expressing my refusal to be treated disrespectfully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I appreciate my
growth, and am so glad that I am finally believing in myself, and beginning to command
the respect that I am worthy of.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-83595191606691474922018-12-18T23:45:00.001-08:002018-12-18T23:46:52.763-08:00Anxiety, Gratitude, The Keeblers and Yahtzee<br />
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When I finally
took the first, trembling steps towards my Healing and Recovery journey, trapped
in the throes of agonizing anxiety among other things, <a href="https://laurindasseaonsoflife.blogspot.com/2018/09/i-finally-joined-team.html">"the team"</a> gently began to teach me a little about
breathing, gratitude, and grounding techniques. </div>
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A potential problem of its own,
(possible process addiction!!) Yahtzee is what I turned to. Phone in hand,
chanting “Breathing in…. Breathing out…” inside my mind as I breathed deeply
and slowly. I began using Yahtzee to calm me, center me, and ground me in the
moment. </div>
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After some time, I
began using the game as a practice arena for expressing gratitude. Every time I
mentally crossed my fingers as the dice “rolled”, and my number came up, I
would say thank you. </div>
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<strike>And then I became sassy</strike>. LOL I UTILIZED my sassiness.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">One day, I
realized, with a chuckle, that I had created a vision in my mind of these little dudes, in a tiny
room, looking at screens, buttons, flashing lights, and cheekily chatting away
as they collaborated to run the Yahtzee game smoothly. I imagined them,
watching as I reached a tough play, and chitter chattering as they tried to
decide how to play next; considering who each player was, and who to reward. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span>This little
scenario has helped me to personalize the gratitude that I am extending. I
picture these adorable, old, elf-like guys, whom I have recently nicknamed “The
Keeblers” in detail. I talk to them, “C’mon… pleeeeease!!”, “Ya know ya
wannnnaaa..!!”, “Pretty pleeease!!”, “C’mon Keeblers!” which is typically
followed either by an “Oh. Ok. That’s ok. Thanks anyways. Maybe next time.”,
and “Eeeee!! Thank you! Thank you! I am
so GRATEFUL for your help!!”. Then, I always receive a burst of “feel good”
chemicals in my brain as I let out a giggle at the sheer nonsense I have just
played through my mind.</div>
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Breathing-check.
Gratitude-check and check. Grounding-yup. Humor-Check Check. Release of
dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin, flowing through my body, aiding
in my healing… Totally. Silly? Absolutely.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">However wacky, THIS
has been, and continues to be, working for me. Don’t knock it til ya try it!!
LOL<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVHFHaXqTROFmQKTAgyUioSYGh-iMVWAEAVouHaRVR5Yrvx54p1JUzdztxdCe0YGh5GgCh5HBavlzgnoz3HUUMbroKiwmG_cjaQeoaINyYdVxyluSNpM2OR_QYCzOt-S_HO0y6aTqJL48/s1600/grounded.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="955" data-original-width="955" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVHFHaXqTROFmQKTAgyUioSYGh-iMVWAEAVouHaRVR5Yrvx54p1JUzdztxdCe0YGh5GgCh5HBavlzgnoz3HUUMbroKiwmG_cjaQeoaINyYdVxyluSNpM2OR_QYCzOt-S_HO0y6aTqJL48/s200/grounded.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span>On this pathway of
Healing and Recovery, there are so many different things, tips and tricks, that
can help speed up the process, and make it a little less painful. Humor and
laughter are truly healing and transformative, and I have realized they are the
perfect prescription for me.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Sometimes we have
to just let go, crawl out of our comfort zones and TRY something new and
ridiculous to find that one little thing that helps us along. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;">Truly, it begins with tiny, little baby steps... </span></span></div>
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</div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-50908218051923497522018-12-11T22:59:00.000-08:002018-12-11T22:59:26.646-08:00Release the Toxins!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQuliWT0Te_4jSmIzkWCi3_2ZzVRnQxYdJmZVNG85zCNrN962C6n3tnz7FEX6Cm8GSbpzhTdpfWhJHjv8f9fsyU9Svki12AXmakqKe1h41Ue8AStOXFUyNb0BFOHhP7X_y55J0FghebQI/s1600/massage.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="144" data-original-width="144" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQuliWT0Te_4jSmIzkWCi3_2ZzVRnQxYdJmZVNG85zCNrN962C6n3tnz7FEX6Cm8GSbpzhTdpfWhJHjv8f9fsyU9Svki12AXmakqKe1h41Ue8AStOXFUyNb0BFOHhP7X_y55J0FghebQI/s1600/massage.png" /></a></div>
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Years ago, my boss
sent me a few doors down in the posh, high end "Village" where we were located to enjoy a full body massage. I remember
being so excited, never having experienced a professional massage, and initially, a bit intimidated and a little out of place, but once I relaxed and gave in
to the moment, it was pretty fantastic! It was very intense, in totally good
way, though I did have to instantly have her stop working on an area in my feet,
which is linked with my back and initiated some serious discomfort, but aside
from that, it was wonderfully peaceful and relaxing.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Until I left. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I was dizzy,
totally nauseated, and just felt completely awful. It was explained to me that this was
likely due to the toxins that were released into my body during the massage, and
my boss promptly sent me home to rest for the remainder of the afternoon. Needless
to say, I’ve never gone for another professional massage!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span>It occurred to me
today that all of this deep work that I am doing inside of myself is quite
similar to that massage.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I’m working muscles
I’ve not used before, or not recently, putting strain on them, and then attempting
to make repairs and heal those muscles. I’m digging into thoughts and feelings
that have been buried far below the surface for a very long time. I’m exposing
them, bringing light and truth to them, so that I can find release and healing.
(Sounds a lot like the physical aspects of that massage!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">My mind is foggy
and I am feeling terrible physically. It’s just like how I felt when I walked
out into the sunshine after that massage years ago. I feel drained, sick,
physically ill, and just YUCK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I see similarities
in the then and now, which has given me the impression, a vision of sorts, that
my process of healing and that massage really are quite alike.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span>All this trauma
drama that I am sifting through is literally toxic shit that has been stored
inside of me for a VERY long time. As I have gently massaged, poked around,
unearthed… stuff and thangs… I have opened up several “cans of worms”, emotionally,
in the process; I’ve begun releasing the toxic shit. I think right now, what I
am feeling, like the aftermath of that massage, is the toxins swimming around
inside of me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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This is a good
thing. It tells me that the process is fully in motion, and that I am actually healing
mentally and physically.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I’m working on the
sore spots, bringing some comfort, and easing the pain. This is causing things
to relax in there, which is allowing me to begin letting go of the toxic shit. Now
I’m currently in that next phase, the “feel the feelings”, walking through the
feelings to get to the other side, stage. As expected, it feels really shitty
here, like reeaaallly gross, but I know, I am closer than I have ever been in
my life to truly accepting and letting go of all the chaos and pain that I have been
carrying.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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I recognize that this is the time for even more gentle self-care and patience with myself as I walk through this leg of my
journey. I have a lot of absorbing and accepting to do inside, and it’s time to
comfort, forgive and be truly honest with myself.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-24584310553312227932018-12-05T23:57:00.002-08:002018-12-05T23:57:55.403-08:00Catch and Release<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5RrTJSURof7qRcyv2xhk4a2vOynGoChp4Df68xFFbZqycMdbq1Fa-1U-CXXYi3shHiAA87oKvLxHmoji4OQVQlMR1468nV2EBp4octqFohwYLAo4554LyQq7mUM2WzEBv1Tg_jRpgLsA/s1600/clarity.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="453" data-original-width="975" height="147" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5RrTJSURof7qRcyv2xhk4a2vOynGoChp4Df68xFFbZqycMdbq1Fa-1U-CXXYi3shHiAA87oKvLxHmoji4OQVQlMR1468nV2EBp4octqFohwYLAo4554LyQq7mUM2WzEBv1Tg_jRpgLsA/s320/clarity.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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I sit back with
new clarity, and I can see the circumstances I have been faced with lately for
what they are: more practice and testing of my skills and tools.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The same
situations, people, feelings and/or behaviors continue to pop up because I haven’t
learned my lessons yet, or still!! Despite the progress I have been making with
loading up that <a href="https://laurindasseaonsoflife.blogspot.com/2018/11/get-in-box.html">cardboard box</a> (from my containment exercise), they keep creeping out, “Hello!! Have you
forgotten about me? I am still heeeere!! Pay attention to me!!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj94_EzylCYHiRz_zos4JTLIEnSHQzdJflT_CrM2X8c0AwO-JkIk0p6OPtgwYeUqjAnjIOYdcfGBRlfjOEDAGtwMsCC2gOM04LnHb116udTHgtiIgOaeLrTqXLSVEuDEuS7vgXaLrY7V9k/s1600/Clarity+and+lightbulbs.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="466" data-original-width="630" height="147" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj94_EzylCYHiRz_zos4JTLIEnSHQzdJflT_CrM2X8c0AwO-JkIk0p6OPtgwYeUqjAnjIOYdcfGBRlfjOEDAGtwMsCC2gOM04LnHb116udTHgtiIgOaeLrTqXLSVEuDEuS7vgXaLrY7V9k/s200/Clarity+and+lightbulbs.png" width="200" /></a></div>
As I type this, I realize
that this, right here, is another example of my growth, my healing and recovery!<br />
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<span lang="EN-US">(And I am PROUD!!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Awareness. The
growing ability to “contain” them when necessary. The expanding proficiency
that enables me to look them in the eyes and say “What’s up? What do you WANT?
NOPE. I don’t think so! That is not true. It’s no longer allowed. SEE YA!! GET
BACK IN THE BOX!!” The increasing prowess that allows me to see them clearly, walk
through my feelings, reaching the other side, exhausted and weak, but of course,
stronger for it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Acceptance and
letting go. That is a massive struggle. It has been the struggle as far back as
I dig; I never seemed to learn to accept and let go of ANYTHING. Only the continual
“What if?”, “If only…”, “It’s because they did…”, and “It’s because I did…”. I
sit here carrying the tremendous weight of so many unnecessary things that weren’t
even mine to carry, and I have done so for years. Things that have no relevance
now, in my adult life. These things, people, behaviors were a part of who I was
THEN. It doesn’t matter what that looked like, or how difficult as it might be
to ACCEPT now, I must. I was who I was then. With or without the healthy skills,
tools, self-awareness, acceptance, respect, and/or love, it just WAS. I can’t
go back and fix or change any of it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
that is OK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I thought that I
had already begun to heal those parts of myself. I now realize that I truly had
not gotten close. I must deeply accept and own, that that person WAS me, that
was my life, THEN. I have reminded myself, repeatedly, reciting Maya Angelou’s
quote, “When you know better, you do better.”, and while I truly believe it to
be true, my actions and self-talk have not matched up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I haven’t fully accepted
that young girl as she was then. I haven’t faced her, truly forgiven her, or completely
disclosed to her any of the actual facts about anything; which would absolutely
relieve her from the crushing burden of guilt and shame that she has carried. I
haven’t genuinely allowed her to process, heal and move on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI_tSo5Ccd9Ov9iIhzJCq2_pZZ17DY-WFjKarIuwonWk_KeFwZIGEcCr2foiwsnIGJAWGHiLqNTZbI1VocZwlHCNa5g_oY9Yzr9KbGaE463of3-sb_GDx3cxCqCv-swTTwXbDuCPnOE0Q/s1600/catch+and+release.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="653" data-original-width="975" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI_tSo5Ccd9Ov9iIhzJCq2_pZZ17DY-WFjKarIuwonWk_KeFwZIGEcCr2foiwsnIGJAWGHiLqNTZbI1VocZwlHCNa5g_oY9Yzr9KbGaE463of3-sb_GDx3cxCqCv-swTTwXbDuCPnOE0Q/s200/catch+and+release.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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It’s kind of like
fishing. You’re sitting out in the boat on a calm and beautiful day, when
suddenly you feel the familiar tug on your line. Without a clear vision of what
is really on that hook, you begin to reel it, bringing it in for a closer look.
You assume it’s going be a big one, what with the effort required as you
struggle to bring it to the boat. There it is in the net. With gratitude and
admiration, you inspect it, take stock, and maybe you realize that it’s not
quite the fish you were hoping for, or perhaps you intended to set it free to
begin with, so you then release it.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">No tears. No
anger. No bargaining. No guilt or shame. You just let it go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">My goal now, is doing
the work to heal the Complicated Grief I have in relation to the oh so many
events/situations, people, and of course, deaths that have been smothering me.
I can begin to muddle through each stage in order to reach acceptance of all
these things, where I will then finally let it all go. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I will finally
find freedom. I will finally find peace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The amazing and
wonderful part is, I don’t have to look very hard anymore. I can see them. I can
feel the cool, airy, weightlessness of liberation and serenity begin to swirl
around me, tickling the hairs on my arms, and inciting a ripple of excitement,
and relief. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I am doing it. I
am well on my way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIKjqrQA_UXaewMZrp3pOXsH6VYgsP1uCTlfDusvTbkbCYiCTq9nFz5jlSbrCOFHJPpiIXt25ohycI9K9E5J4g1MqW99ocT_354X9tDrtYram7P6B1u-4Rety7PPb95nmy5s9BK25rsqQ/s1600/Clarity+doorway.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="649" data-original-width="975" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIKjqrQA_UXaewMZrp3pOXsH6VYgsP1uCTlfDusvTbkbCYiCTq9nFz5jlSbrCOFHJPpiIXt25ohycI9K9E5J4g1MqW99ocT_354X9tDrtYram7P6B1u-4Rety7PPb95nmy5s9BK25rsqQ/s200/Clarity+doorway.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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It’s not a
destination I seek however; the path will not end there. It is merely the
doorway. The gateway to my authentic self, where my journey of discovery and
growth will continue onto a bright, fresh and uplifting new chapter of
opportunities.</div>
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My story is far from over.</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-48736688666576820512018-11-29T01:07:00.002-08:002018-11-29T01:07:50.140-08:00GET in the box!!<br />
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It has been another exceptionally difficult week. In
addition to responding to the obvious stressors that currently exist, and I knowingly and willingly accept,
there are a whole lot of other emotions that seem to be surfacing. Old feelings
that go waaaay back are catching up with me. Core, irrational, beliefs have been
bubbling over, and I am in full attack mode, facing and challenging all the
$#!t that is coming up.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxQQYv1EFc1SQPQCPWP83ISwYcIYfV1EGu-9IpUmkWATq4tNcPf6b-XdB40r3ZX4SfBhD_KJQsYXWuT2ABwwfXz9rTbE6qA4wGx56WVHjdrjgTCtJMzbMc2bSR-3gIepjlmIkP5WGBR5Q/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="561" data-original-width="419" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxQQYv1EFc1SQPQCPWP83ISwYcIYfV1EGu-9IpUmkWATq4tNcPf6b-XdB40r3ZX4SfBhD_KJQsYXWuT2ABwwfXz9rTbE6qA4wGx56WVHjdrjgTCtJMzbMc2bSR-3gIepjlmIkP5WGBR5Q/s200/QTIP.png" width="149" /></a></div>
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Over the weekend, already
amidst the storm, and its intensity increasing, I was sent spiraling when my
daughter presented me with a few curiosity driven, innocent and serious
questions. As the massive wave washed over me, the tears began, the grip in my
chest and on my heart tightened, and, in my stomach, the gnashing and gnawing
began to swallow me. All the grief, hurt, pain, soooo many feelings and
thoughts about situations in my life, past and present, amassed over my life
time, came crashing down, sweeping my feet from beneath me, knocking the
wind out of me, and slamming me to the ground.</div>
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Yesterday, I made it through a fantastic, albeit exhausting, <a href="https://laurindasseaonsoflife.blogspot.com/2018/09/change-my-addictive-behaviors.html">CAB</a>
session, was treated to and enjoyed a great lunch with <a href="https://laurindasseaonsoflife.blogspot.com/2018/09/seeds-planted-in-rabbit-hole-fertilizer.html">Teeny</a>, and promptly went
home, requiring some serious self-care, which came in the form of a planned
forty-five minute rest that turned into a much needed, two hour nap.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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This morning when I woke up, I knew that I needed a plan to
battle back against the suffocating weight that was upon me. I could not carry on in the state that I had been.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I thought back to the <a href="http://largo-therapy-and-counseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Emotional-Regulation_Containment.pdf">containment exercises</a>, specifically "The Container", shared with me during <a href="https://laurindasseaonsoflife.blogspot.com/2018/09/seeds-planted-in-rabbit-hole-fertilizer.html">AADP</a> that are used to aid in controlling the anxiety,
feelings, and thoughts that accompany memories, thoughts, and triggers that are
too chaotic and overwhelming to cope with in the moment. I also recalled a
meditation I had tried that involved visualizing being on the shore of a
beautiful beach, placing negative triggers, people, words, events, images, etc.
in a boat, and sending the load far out into the ocean.</div>
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From there, I devised my method of preservation.</div>
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I visualized a simple loft like space with many rooms, and saw all the
people, images, feelings, STUFF, floating around like they belonged, pretending to be tenants. I
identified them instead as squatters, none of whom had paid rent in quite some
time. I handed out eviction notices for non-payment of rent and began to clear them
all out, tossing everything into cardboard moving boxes. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s been a busy day, in my minds eye; I’ve been packing and
scrubbing the spaces clean. Every time a "squatter", an unhelpful/unhealthy person, thought
or image, tried to make its presence known, I would sternly say “NOPE. GET in
the box!!” or “BACK IN THE BOX!!”, and imagine myself tossing whatever it was
into a box with a laugh. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-IvsKJSlUOwhlvNIrIZd3BU7Whso080LHGzXidGjB3nXBXLPvg5qAJwmjEL6yqKV1quX50A0MfILJG1hzSHyxkJyvtspVcj3AxaCg4aX-wIZd5WL_1h0Ds4W8nswG_1lxrHMn8C3mftk/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="250" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-IvsKJSlUOwhlvNIrIZd3BU7Whso080LHGzXidGjB3nXBXLPvg5qAJwmjEL6yqKV1quX50A0MfILJG1hzSHyxkJyvtspVcj3AxaCg4aX-wIZd5WL_1h0Ds4W8nswG_1lxrHMn8C3mftk/s200/QTIP.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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For the most part, I managed to make it work. This little
exercise truly helped me to maintain a semblance of sanity, remain in wise
mind thinking, and it truly kept me from drowning today. <o:p></o:p>I felt calmer, my eye on the sun shining through the billowing sheers that adorned the open windows, as the now empty rooms begin to fill with the warm and gentle aura of clarity, peace, and hope.</div>
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Find what works, and work the $#!t out of it. </div>
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Until? It
would seem, until it all becomes second nature.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m doing it!! I’m working it!! <o:p></o:p></div>
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I got this.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8_hV-7836QoRDZEtZVqd8-ilObDmpUE4twBwXznKCw5-eNAZ03lfb-oemRJAUL7PZH9a6P0sIeBfezVIiX8gvIhHEEmBGAgxKSSydOxqbvzUgqFFNvylhGz8dpS_wBdN5tofPCLcDe8I/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="731" data-original-width="975" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8_hV-7836QoRDZEtZVqd8-ilObDmpUE4twBwXznKCw5-eNAZ03lfb-oemRJAUL7PZH9a6P0sIeBfezVIiX8gvIhHEEmBGAgxKSSydOxqbvzUgqFFNvylhGz8dpS_wBdN5tofPCLcDe8I/s200/QTIP.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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(The tools that seem to work best for me often involve allowing my rebel side to brightly shine, the use of facetious talk with Insidious and friends, and humor. I didn’t realize until later this evening that I had been performing, in my mind, like Bob Newhart in this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BjKS1-vjPs">video</a> all day; I sounded just like him! LOL)</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-2697246160661464202018-11-27T00:00:00.000-08:002018-11-27T00:16:37.337-08:00"It's Like Taking Buckley's..."<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week I hit
the eight months mark of this healing and recovery journey of mine. Eight
months without a drink, and eight months of finally looking at myself, my
thoughts and behaviors, and working to make healthy and positive changes.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6umMsFvfMnd-oPxZOQAAJh-g_P3LZcb3APr3no8CJXPkPTbVqbsIlXl4swcCDf8CAST7Vvv7B4h0A-nqMjCxnJ-Gu28Motp-4N1GigGATRzsJyKxQT4WN0ulQMrOyiBdHFh5uMHRjJhU/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="442" data-original-width="844" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6umMsFvfMnd-oPxZOQAAJh-g_P3LZcb3APr3no8CJXPkPTbVqbsIlXl4swcCDf8CAST7Vvv7B4h0A-nqMjCxnJ-Gu28Motp-4N1GigGATRzsJyKxQT4WN0ulQMrOyiBdHFh5uMHRjJhU/s320/QTIP.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ve had the usual daily “life” stuff, raising my child,
working towards getting back to work, and turning forty to deal with. Beyond
that, I have also faced deeper, dysfunctional family issues, three deaths in
the family, situations and emotions surrounding my ex-husband, and the break-up
of a relationship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">Much</span> to my
surprise, I haven’t fallen on (too many! LOL) old behaviors, drank, or done what I previously would have assumed to be the only
option; I haven’t crumbled to my knees! Well, its close some days!! LOL But in
a vastly different and less threatening manner.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">During these eight
months, I have found it (knock on wood!!) far less difficult than I imagined it
would be to get through it all without a drink. I’ve been feeling the feelings,
living life on life’s terms as they say, and so far, I seem to be surviving! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSJCD1NtWBg4-v0ZWzAVN5FT16POgCuDpFc6GLOqpUTBHAm4DmTYd3kTnHBBI02G94VuR3_o3FrWN3dN3vYopJgONM7Ri-Tq1ZVIePE7Z-AE3RSFv5JqZxuM2feDbzHxfCVXTcyWuKwzM/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="313" data-original-width="286" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSJCD1NtWBg4-v0ZWzAVN5FT16POgCuDpFc6GLOqpUTBHAm4DmTYd3kTnHBBI02G94VuR3_o3FrWN3dN3vYopJgONM7Ri-Tq1ZVIePE7Z-AE3RSFv5JqZxuM2feDbzHxfCVXTcyWuKwzM/s200/QTIP.png" width="182" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I have become more
aware of, focused on, and am working at healing other areas of my life, outside
of the alcohol, or maybe because of the alcohol?, where my toxic, unhealthy
thoughts and behaviors continue to wreak havoc. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
I find myself in
moments, where I can laugh (or emit a sound that slightly resembles a laugh, perhaps
a snort, or maybe some other sarcastic, pfffft, like sound), recognizing what has
truly come up for me, and am easily able to change it around and re-frame it
into a healthier thought or action. Other times, the moments prove to be a
little more difficult to accept and work through.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I’ve been consumed
by the depth of some of what has come up; I have sat absorbing it with tears
streaming down my face, feeling raw and worn to the bones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I've also been filled with pride, and reminded of the strength, courage, and wisdom that already exists within me.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgbaxpKe8cWRzzKIk3VaYYKO3UdEJf5MAlhO7_HoWWLgTYKmR1GZrNlx_qnRZ_mGfZEwt7BSKRghgP3XSDwuVeDd1LLZke_zi-kjpZK0E46ps6kMoQgNk-NiGlpY0LD0RDJmqb6k1HiuE/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="392" data-original-width="488" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgbaxpKe8cWRzzKIk3VaYYKO3UdEJf5MAlhO7_HoWWLgTYKmR1GZrNlx_qnRZ_mGfZEwt7BSKRghgP3XSDwuVeDd1LLZke_zi-kjpZK0E46ps6kMoQgNk-NiGlpY0LD0RDJmqb6k1HiuE/s200/QTIP.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I keep going to my
groups, CAB and Smart Recovery, counselling, </span>talking, reading all kinds of books, writing, painting, meditating,
working with my crystals, and feeling all that comes up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I am doing it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">It sucks. It’s
hard as shit. It hurts terribly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">But I am doing it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">And I AM healing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">With a smile on my
face, I reflect over the words someone spoke in CAB on Friday, “It’s like
taking Buckley's, </span>all this work… Tastes and feels like shit, but it works.”</div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-21365239628858806962018-11-15T14:42:00.001-08:002018-11-15T14:48:06.277-08:00Single Mama Rant<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwEidTgXrN6zVGBg3Fl607Uu_uwfD_b_sbxgty8jpYAH6QhxQCUBH_5UODCs1TnYw4F4DjkKeqGNK5s2ezt0r5qnxE0LWzE1NJkcqYtTe4GJjlLWrrs2iUoGz-hCPHDgSegrSjpJnuayI/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="336" data-original-width="480" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwEidTgXrN6zVGBg3Fl607Uu_uwfD_b_sbxgty8jpYAH6QhxQCUBH_5UODCs1TnYw4F4DjkKeqGNK5s2ezt0r5qnxE0LWzE1NJkcqYtTe4GJjlLWrrs2iUoGz-hCPHDgSegrSjpJnuayI/s320/QTIP.png" width="320" /></a></div>
Despite the growth
I have been experiencing on my healing and recovery journey, the hard work that I’ve been doing, digging into
myself, my thoughts and behaviors, there is still one area that is kicking my
ass. Royally.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The role that I am
in, “The Single Mom”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">These days, the
role is eating me up inside, it’s overwhelmingly consuming and crushing me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I remind myself
that I am not the only one in this role. I remind myself that there are others
with more children than my own, one daughter. I remind myself that while we
have experienced hell, there are others who have gone through worse to get here.
I remind myself that these others, moms, dads, aunties, uncles, grandparents,
friends, etc., are in the same boat as I, and they are succeeding. I remind myself
that I am strong. I remind myself that I am capable. I remind myself that it
will get easier. I remind myself that I am doing the best that I can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I am trying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The struggle is
real my friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">My nights lately,
intended for reviewing the personal work I am doing, catching up on homework (I
am doing my English 12, and just started 2 online courses to brush up on my
skills in the areas of computers and the fundamentals of being an
Administrative Assistant), and quiet time to wind down with some self-care,
have turned into a war zone, leaving me with little time to catch my breath or
get a decent sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I sit on the couch
crying, the weight of my responsibilities feeling as though they are crushing
me, and, as was the case last night, with the music LOUD, the fan on high, in
attempt to drown out my daughters nasty screaming and wailing, and the urge to
scream at the top of my lungs while running out of my apartment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The yelling and
friction between us have surpassed anyone’s comfort zone, even beginning to frighten
one another, so really, releasing a blood curdling scream is not an option, nor
is running away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I know others can
relate to having another parent in the house who really doesn’t contribute to
their role in the family, in any physical or emotional manner. But, because you
both created this child, you don’t feel completely alone or misunderstood in
your hopes, plans, beliefs about the child. Until you are alone. Then, I know
others can continue to relate to finding a partner who steps in to take on a parental
role, thankfully, and wonderfully, but we still feel alone on the deeper levels
of parenting this child who was created by two, then left with one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">And I know there
are others who have experienced both of those situations, and then still find themselves
where I now am: ONE. SINGLE. PARENT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The strongest
words racing through my mind lately?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US">OH. MY. GOD. HOLY. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUUUUUCCKK. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US">(followed by huge tears and sobs, deep breaths, and loneliness)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I recognize the
elements of age/stage that are present; the “normal” tough stuff. I am aware of
the effects on her from the grief, loss and traumas that she has experienced. I
realize that she has seen people treat her mom in unhealthy, unsafe and negative
manners. I accept, with a giggle, that she IS my daughter after all; those who
know me… LOL But, there is another side that I see too, a darker side that regretfully
reminds me of her father, though I would NEVER say that to her. A side that is
beginning to resemble a person who bullies her mom, a negative, unaccepting,
unwilling, take no responsibility, constantly pointing fingers to blame side.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This “side” of her
though, is beginning to feel like it might break this single mama.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Beneath the
crushing and suffocating weight, overwhelming tears and need to vent, I continue
to maintain vigilance. I continue to reach out to our counsellors, friends and
family, I read anything “parenting”, and I just keep trying, one foot in front
of the other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I am determined.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMdRFi99tx8QfnLa70VFDwvXr2z06Um6Js8el6GmeZxs8loJfRG4mCHuSUgDT92rGduJMHXGqWMvo5YEP1sfcJicApkRSFHHQaVjQX6_4oY_lld3YXD4pCPDHi1SAI6T-UmMRgwCSK_z8/s1600/qtip2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="566" data-original-width="545" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMdRFi99tx8QfnLa70VFDwvXr2z06Um6Js8el6GmeZxs8loJfRG4mCHuSUgDT92rGduJMHXGqWMvo5YEP1sfcJicApkRSFHHQaVjQX6_4oY_lld3YXD4pCPDHi1SAI6T-UmMRgwCSK_z8/s200/qtip2.png" width="192" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The cycles end
here. The healing begins. I will, and AM showing her a better way. I am sharing
tools and skills with her. I am conversing about the tough stuff with her,
attempting to ensure open communication with her for when the “big” stuff comes
along.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">One day, I remain hopeful,
she will fully understand and appreciate this “role” I currently struggle to
fulfill. I hope that she will be proud of me, for kicking ass at BEING a “single
mama”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-54340206279903665842018-11-06T22:12:00.000-08:002018-11-06T22:12:07.758-08:00Scheduling Balance to Create a Balanced Schedule<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFDAd0i-KNXtW5yZniVrVP1olyqft6ybluJH_XtnNxAZSSlsi6riCj_9408KpGUyiLusGWUhM1OkVhNFUxGRGjpEMz-BcBoDKfSIbre2GtbGsqE94L40EsWcrd5TBwBgCHYKl39mo9DLE/s1600/balance.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="375" data-original-width="261" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFDAd0i-KNXtW5yZniVrVP1olyqft6ybluJH_XtnNxAZSSlsi6riCj_9408KpGUyiLusGWUhM1OkVhNFUxGRGjpEMz-BcBoDKfSIbre2GtbGsqE94L40EsWcrd5TBwBgCHYKl39mo9DLE/s200/balance.png" width="138" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
For quite some
time, I have been listing "create routine in my life" as a goal, and for quite some
time, I have been working on making that happen. My healing and recovery journey has me destroying old scripts, so that I can create a new and healthy flow; it takes time and effort to unravel a lifetime of chaos.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">I have learned more about making <a href="https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm">SMART</a> (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-Bound) goals. I have been absorbing all that I can take in surrounding changing unhealthy behaviors and patterns, how the brain works, it's ability to make repairs, and how we can assist in and strengthen that process. I have learned about the repetition that is required,
and the time in which it takes for a changed behavior, belief, or a thought to
become wired into our brain fully, which is said to be roughly 21 days (although
it really takes a little longer). <o:p></o:p></span>I have also begun to fully understand the importance of having BALANCE in life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBRm0uFj7-vQ6Byos1wLHUkH9oYAFkjq0iAjHHYpCj7nOEqpT1xlMx2opVvHR7ktiY027LOZs5t987DZRXrOgFHCE6HRhPdcEEb-2VDyvuWYEV5cvEP1DlKAo_DMHG5jWv3TWfizEI27Y/s1600/Monolith.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="575" data-original-width="766" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBRm0uFj7-vQ6Byos1wLHUkH9oYAFkjq0iAjHHYpCj7nOEqpT1xlMx2opVvHR7ktiY027LOZs5t987DZRXrOgFHCE6HRhPdcEEb-2VDyvuWYEV5cvEP1DlKAo_DMHG5jWv3TWfizEI27Y/s200/Monolith.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
I now understand that routine and
scheduling will CREATE the balance that I, we, need in life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">In order for me to
FEEL balanced in all aspects of my life, I must plan ahead so that I can fully
immerse myself in completing the things required of me. For me to feel whole, there
are things I believe(d) that I must include daily, on a personal and self-care
level. But, as there are only so many hours in a day (and you cannot function
with four hours of sleep nightly, attempting to fit it all into each day, as I
recently discovered!), I have come to the realization that if I get serious
about identifying and becoming clear about the why and what the benefits that I
SEE and FEEL are when I accomplish these "must do" things, I will then feel compelled to MAKE
them routine. Despite how I anticipate, or actually am feeling in the moment, I am making a great effort to no longer allow excuses, and I am really working hard to hold myself
accountable in my intentions, goals, and actions. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJNOvKNlKuZJUXxL7B-c21-9_2PxkdGMG4xScY57i5Pi2sBgGDxoQ2lUm0FeK9dYXgq83hE6mKi1xNqr_E-hfxQFn7hnieJ7FRRIzWPJ70FsSdPPRuvRFt55ncUy6jJbZepndyce1SOs0/s1600/Monolith.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="351" data-original-width="334" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJNOvKNlKuZJUXxL7B-c21-9_2PxkdGMG4xScY57i5Pi2sBgGDxoQ2lUm0FeK9dYXgq83hE6mKi1xNqr_E-hfxQFn7hnieJ7FRRIzWPJ70FsSdPPRuvRFt55ncUy6jJbZepndyce1SOs0/s200/Monolith.png" width="190" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
My current focus and goals revolve around work/school, being a mom, my healing and recovery journey, those things that I am passionate about doing, that fill me with joy and light, which have now grown to include loving myself. Self-care has FINALLY come into my awareness, and the many ways TO take care of me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 15.0cm;">
<span lang="EN-US">Prioritizing balance, by creating routine and schedules that ARE balanced, is the path that will enable me to reach my goal, and get the most out of this crazy and fluid thing we call life.</span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-59812624382245606952018-10-21T01:07:00.000-07:002018-10-21T01:07:23.691-07:00Digging into the Why?'s, and Finding AMAZING<br />
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<span lang="EN-US">A while back, I had a
particularly difficult day, following the break-up of my recent relationship,
and I was re-playing all the old tapes, from the way back past, in my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">“Why does this always happen?”,“Why do they always hurt me?”, "Why do
I deserve this?”,“What is wrong with me?”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I quickly caught
myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">NO.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I decided I was
going to do some work. (I think I’m starting to get good at this!!) I decided that
I was going to dig into this one. I was going to question my thoughts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">“1. <s>What is wrong with THEM?! What happened to them to hurt so
bad? </s></span></i><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I
quickly scribbled THAT out!)<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Fuck you. You don’t deserve ME!!<o:p></o:p></b></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2. Why do I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u style="text-underline: double;">allow</u></b>
this treatment and give so many chances?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>3. What am I so afraid of?
Why? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>4. Look at my history,
patterns, etc. Question, question. Why? Why did I feel…? Who said…? Why? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Fuck, it’s not even about “THEM”. Maybe, it never has
been…? I have wanted to feel…wanted, loved, appreciated, respected, “known/popular/heard
of”, connected… Comforted and protected, comfortable… Before my marriage ended,
it was all about the projected image. The illusion. I wanted to appear “normal”,
and, following societal norms, I figured that meant that I needed a husband,
children, perfect career, perfect family, perfect life, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">perfUCK IT</b>!! LOL<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">I always thought I “NEEDED” someone else, a man, a
protector, a fixer, just to be there, unconditionally…<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">But, that’s not truly what I’ve wanted, certainly not
what I’ve “NEEDED”. I’ve stayed in these situations, friendships,
relationships, and repeatedly put up with bullshit and lies, full well KNOWING
truth, and still I would tell myself: “Well, I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">do</b>
deserve better, but…”, and of course, the rollercoaster of irrational thoughts/beliefs…
“Tomorrow I’ll do something…”, “If it happens again, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">THEN</b> I will…”, “He was drunk.”, “We were drunk.”, “Nobody would
want me if they knew…”, “Maybe if I look/act/do/allow…”. It becomes “normal and
comfortable”. SO NOT HEALTHY. (What I really "NEEDED", was to love, honor, protect, and respect myself.)</span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></span></i></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Losing track of myself here, rein it in girl!! Question. WHY? DIG!
PEEL BACK THE LAYERS! WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">I haven’t trusted myself, and I was scared. I thought
I was weak and not “smart”. I told myself I wasn’t “strong enough, smart
enough, able at all.” I didn’t “know how”.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">↓
</span><span lang="EN-US">WHY? WHY? </span></i></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">↓ ↓ WHY? ↓
WHY? ↓ WHY? ↓↓ WHY? ↓ WHY? ↓ WHY? ↓ ↓ WHY? WHY? ↓<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">I was always afraid. </span></i><i><span lang="EN-US">I was told it was because they were “drunk, and don’t remember”, but they would “never again”… </span></i><i><span lang="EN-US">I was told I was weak and stupid.
I was told I could never, would never… I was told that I didn’t “deserve”… I was told I was bad, crazy, psycho, a whore, a cunt, a slut… fuck… it
all became ingrained, burning so hot and deep, I was convinced that everyone could
see it in my eyes. </span></i></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-US">Maybe there was a sign on my forehead, or the “Scarlett A”
on my breast… So, I would pull my famous move, the “Nothing Like a Simple Ostrich”:
head buried in the sand, but hearing and feeling the rustling, shifting vibrations…
They would consume me, but, still I would squeeze my eyes shut, cover my ears to
muffle the sound of “THEM”, and wait… full of fear, shaken and worn, I would
welcome the darkness, comforted and numbed, again in the company of INSIDIOUS.</span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">→</span><span lang="EN-US"> LOSING YOURSELF AGAIN GIRL!! </span></i></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">↓</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">? WHO SAYS?! WHO <u style="text-underline: double;">SAYS</u>?!</span></i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">It was always these message that I heard and felt, either
at home, or from older siblings and extended family, “friends”, boyfriends,
husband… People that I have trusted, and felt “safe and protected” by, “THEY” said
so, for as far back as I can remember.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">→
→ INSERT GARBLED REWIND ON YOUR VCR NOISE ← ←</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">WHOOOAAAA… BACK UP THE BUS. INSERT ANNOYING BUZZER. PRESS DELETE.
WIRE IN A NEW CONNECTION. CREATE A NEW SPARK.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Just because “THEY” said it, doesn’t make it true or
factual. Q.T.I.P. (Quit Taking It Personally) Chances are highly likely that
these things, behaviors, actions were a reflection of their own pain and lack
of self-confidence. They were trying to fill their own voids. They were attempting
to make themselves feel better in the moment. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">SOOOOooooo… A GREAT BIG, HUGE FUCK Y’ALL!! AND A<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">THANK-YOU FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITIES TO HONE MY STRENGTHS.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">I’ve got my own back. I don’t <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">NEED</b> anyone. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I’VE DECIDED
THAT I MUST, I WILL, I AM GOING </b><b>TO</b> do myself right. <b>I AM</b> doing myself right. Why keep wasting my
time, energy, and love in all the wrong places? Why waste time thinking that I
am anything less than deserving and perfect just the way I am?"<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">And so, in answer to my typical, dramatic questions:<i> “Why does this always happen?”,“Why do they always hurt me?”, "Why do I deserve this?”,“What is wrong with me?”</i>, I say this: </span>it doesn't, and WON'T happen again, and they won't EVER hurt me again. </div>
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There is nothing at all wrong with me, and I didn't deserve any of that. </div>
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I am amazing. It is time for me to start treating myself that way. I deserve the best, and I am going for it. </div>
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I've been really working hard to move through my past and finally heal. I feel valuable. I'm allowing vulnerability to open me up to the real stuff. I've been learning, and practicing, forgiveness, letting go/moving forward, and acceptance, of whatever is, or is not.<br />
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I am enjoying my journey these days. Some days are grand, others tougher than tough, and some days just are. I am learning to feel, and I am starting to really get things!<br />
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I have likened this ebb and flow, the up and down, good and bad, living life on life's terms, aspects of life to the seasons. Sometimes it's spectacular and bright in our world, (like summer and spring) and we feel wonderful and warm. Other days (fall and winter), it's dark, gloomy, and pissing on our parade, but we survive. We do what it takes to stay warm, safe, and dry, because we know that the darkness, the storm, won't last forever; it might carry on longer than we would like, but we will see the light again.<br />
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It's getting better and brighter every day...<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-57634569428008860702018-10-11T01:21:00.000-07:002018-10-11T01:21:52.473-07:00"Mighty Mouse!" Takes on "Insidious"<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihpAp7HGWenr8iHqGP7-gmPRxWvL3X7EARo4KHagSOk56_TWpDykbXlK-yIBj5gUqTwLQ_LKC_Buk-G0agQjT6G3Zs8OSvZMzQ21cD9p131CwmZPYUFU_mjzc2d1lqsl-PDucQ6sZnSW8/s1600/qtip2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="547" data-original-width="547" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihpAp7HGWenr8iHqGP7-gmPRxWvL3X7EARo4KHagSOk56_TWpDykbXlK-yIBj5gUqTwLQ_LKC_Buk-G0agQjT6G3Zs8OSvZMzQ21cD9p131CwmZPYUFU_mjzc2d1lqsl-PDucQ6sZnSW8/s200/qtip2.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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I mentioned Insidious during check in at my
last CAB session, and the facilitators, already familiar with him and his
relentless and seductive ways, gently pressed for more detail. One of the lead
facilitators sat, visibly formulating his strategy with each response I
provided. He, who I shall name “Mighty Mouse!”, sat, rubbing his palms together
in front of him, ominously, like an evil and menacing villain preparing to
reveal his destructive master plan. He eventually turned back to me and asked
if he might “try something” with “Insidious”. Eager to jump in and “do the work”,
I instantly agreed. Before he went to work, dramatically setting the stage
though, “Mighty Mouse!” had one final question for me, “Does “Insidious” have
arms or legs?” The obvious answer? “No.”</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKHgunAU8umWLF7jG7_-lCkqulmubIlhsxncDgxWe9lXnwWaqsiLGR_K_HPLMAthbml8Rh1KfyUOGnqfuCAGfoXLdTnHAZ1zd7MLYCpLORkjo_ENniPRLTSs2zmWXrpPEq5MIhaqgP71Q/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="858" data-original-width="1600" height="106" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKHgunAU8umWLF7jG7_-lCkqulmubIlhsxncDgxWe9lXnwWaqsiLGR_K_HPLMAthbml8Rh1KfyUOGnqfuCAGfoXLdTnHAZ1zd7MLYCpLORkjo_ENniPRLTSs2zmWXrpPEq5MIhaqgP71Q/s200/QTIP.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">“Mighty Mouse!” identified that he planned
to use a <a href="https://www.smartrecovery.org/">Smart Recovery</a> tool, <a href="https://www.smartrecovery.org/disarming-the-trickster/">DISARM</a> (Destructive Images and Self-Talk Awareness
and Refusal Method), which, in my opinion, is basically working with shadows.</span> He said, “the point in using this method, basically, is to incite a riot between self and inner addict/demon/gremlin/etc.”</div>
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<i>("<a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shadow-work-emotional-suffering/">In Deepak and Gotham Chopra’s book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Superheroes, Chopra identified shadow as a “force of the unconscious that can be destructive, divisive and/or self-sabotaging if it remains unconscious”.</a></i></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-US"><a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shadow-work-emotional-suffering/">“In therapy, the therapist encounters shadow in the painful experiences that their clients share. The therapist and client build a safe relationship where shadow can be explored. Shadow is very difficult work because of resistance. The outcome of examining oneself and facing what has happened in one’s life, however, gives a person freedom to create change and use the wealth of energy that was tied up in shadow.”<o:p></o:p></a></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/shadow-work-emotional-suffering/"><i><span lang="EN-US">© Copyright 2011 by By Barbara 'Basia' Mosinski, LCAT, ATR-BC, MA, MFA, therapist in New York City, New York. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.</span></i> </a>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqg-jsbzlCIbpMGbR5rG9WYwPn8LRUQUmSQ0S1st95W9V8SNPvmUKld1M6lYHl_AU7uXJovWFTD1GYePg3I2wDt4BnBb3a3g8cPZ_BAmDDKrberpsRE8TEPRzR8vFvacowF2J57vvL1So/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1127" data-original-width="1600" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqg-jsbzlCIbpMGbR5rG9WYwPn8LRUQUmSQ0S1st95W9V8SNPvmUKld1M6lYHl_AU7uXJovWFTD1GYePg3I2wDt4BnBb3a3g8cPZ_BAmDDKrberpsRE8TEPRzR8vFvacowF2J57vvL1So/s200/QTIP.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The moment I said “Yes!” to being under the
spotlight, in the hot seat, panic took my breath away, anticipation about what would/could
happen, and anxiety coursed through my body. And then I caught myself; I am
determined to do this work. I immediately sensed a shift of vibration and
energy in the room, and myself; a dark cloud descended upon the room. Amid
cleverly placed pauses, loaded with deafening silence and suspense, “Mighty
Mouse!” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>had someone pull an empty chair
up to the table across from me, at which point my fear peaked as I imagined
myself <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">facing</b> “Insidious”. Slowly, like
a painfully drawn out plot twist, he invoked a clear vision of ME sitting in
that chair, with “Insidious” where I sat; I was going to be answering <b>AS</b> “Insidious”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">First came introductions, “So, you’re “Insidious”?
Do you know Laurinda, over there? Oh, well, I am a friend of hers…so and so… Do
you mind if I ask you some questions?”. Then came the very well-played
interrogation, and the answers “Insidious” arrogantly and deftly provided, with
a bloodthirsty smirk. “What do you think of Laurinda?”, “What do you plan to do
to her? How do you manipulate and seduce her? What do you plan/desire to do to
her goals/future? What <b>HAVE</b> you done/taken from Laurinda? What are your plans
for her daughter?”. “Mighty Mouse!” unloaded an arsenal of deep questions, and
the joy “Insidious” finds in torturing me, his beloved prisoner, was evident in
every response. He wants to crush me, every one of my hopes, dreams,
opportunities, and relationships; he wants to destroy my life. He happily
acknowledged all that he has already taken from me, in the form of hope, time,
peace, love, success, etc., and calmly admitted plans to lure my daughter into the
same darkness of his lair. As was expected, “Insidious” had a lot of cruel and
nasty things to say about me, and of his dark intentions for our future together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The intensity of what I was hearing/saying
became like a weighted blanket on top of me. I remember fully immersing myself,
letting go of the fears around being vulnerable in front of mere strangers, and
feeling the blanket fall on me like a heavy snowfall… Everything and everyone
around me seemed to melt away, fade to nothing. There was only my awareness of “Mighty
Mouse!” and “Insidious”, and the tears that slowly washed over my cheeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Next, “Insidious” was asked when he came
into my life, and we both blankly pondered the “always” that flashed before us.
(That’s a whole ‘nother journey!) He admittedly enjoyed how easily he did manage
to take control of me though, “before she (I) even had a chance”. He wants to
destroy me, simply because he can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Mighty Mouse!” further probed on how exactly
it is that “Insidious” maintains his control over me, having “no arms or legs
and all”. “So, the power that you have over Laurinda is based on what?” It’s
based on the straightforward fact that I have <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">believed</b> his harsh and deceptive words and trusted his whispered
promises of solace. I just <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">do</b> what
he tells me. Then, “Insidious” was asked what one thing he <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">did not</b> want <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">ME</b> to know
would be. The answer? “That she <b>DOES</b> have a choice, free-will, a mind and power
of her own.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZd_O9pAxdvrz6Migfgv3xzZHuWuUMKi4jnGNdlOjx9owkaAVaayXaXwp9Cedzn5mAXWsWHus_n2tcmq3hfF8deGohZRaDuhVsG7upgMYBLYmt_w550OkO0lX-KUvS8EFJyecwJJg8cE/s1600/rabbit+hole+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="676" data-original-width="975" height="138" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZd_O9pAxdvrz6Migfgv3xzZHuWuUMKi4jnGNdlOjx9owkaAVaayXaXwp9Cedzn5mAXWsWHus_n2tcmq3hfF8deGohZRaDuhVsG7upgMYBLYmt_w550OkO0lX-KUvS8EFJyecwJJg8cE/s200/rabbit+hole+1.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">“Insidious” thinks he’s keeping a secret
from me. A secret that he knows, once I realize the truth, his game will be
over. He is afraid that I will take back <b>MY POWER</b>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">His fear? His weak spot? Losing his control
over me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">My triumph? My vow? His losing control
over me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The process was killer, and I dropped a lot
of “F@$%” and “holy $#it” bombs during that session. I remember “worrying” a
few times during the interrogation, certain that I would have to stop, but “Mighty
Mouse!” led so well, it was almost easy to “stay in character” as the internal tension
within me increased. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It was such a highly intense and volatile
experience, and yet deeply cleansing and powerfully motivating.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Insidious” has been a predator, a monster,
in my life, but truly he is a weak and desperate <b>NOTHING</b>. I am not done with
him yet. I have some table turning to do with him, and a couple more “letters”
to address; each step I take, he falls a little further into the fire. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I will remain diligent and aware. His power
over me does, and will continue to diminish every day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-56959940804220935602018-10-10T00:07:00.001-07:002018-10-10T00:07:20.389-07:00The Death of "Insidious" : His Return<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJlmmv_xjiKKZoSfgsHuY9vq82HeEh7DhF5PmBlf7OgH49x7XMe7sTqqMv9PRWMGGlYvHprl4dH5Vdui2QIrBdE_fVYV_FKarfsnRzfEN4Bv8NK1XRtUbrOV8_LycKgL4-g8R_zBezfK4/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1241" data-original-width="1334" height="185" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJlmmv_xjiKKZoSfgsHuY9vq82HeEh7DhF5PmBlf7OgH49x7XMe7sTqqMv9PRWMGGlYvHprl4dH5Vdui2QIrBdE_fVYV_FKarfsnRzfEN4Bv8NK1XRtUbrOV8_LycKgL4-g8R_zBezfK4/s200/QTIP.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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<i><br /></i>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Insidious</i>: “<i>Alluring but harmful</i>” </div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">That is one of three
definitions found on <a href="https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/the-meaning-of-the-word/insidious.html">Word
Hippo</a>, and a very good way of describing this particular “<b>Insidious</b></span>” problem
of mine. MY personal definition: when something IS insidious, it is like a
hidden system of veins, as it stealthily seeps its way in, and around its
target. It begins as a mere trickle, but given the opportunity, it’s flow
surges, gaining power, and it becomes a debilitating force in the end.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I introduced the monster on my back,
"Insidious", in my previous post, <a href="https://laurindasseaonsoflife.blogspot.com/2018/10/vulnerability-values-and-insidious.html">Vulnerability,
Values, and "Insidious"</a>. That day I (we) worked to truly put a face
to him (our inner demons) in Day Program was, undoubtedly, an extremely
difficult and draining process to get through, and thankfully, the second part
to the work, was held off until the following day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsLUpeFGm7SytDIMhoV3AA78kWC5QOoxmTDNWUE0AF7Ra5OdzZy3-2EI-CqsKXYI1u5mHvEh9O6fvrb9VeUAyfAEQl5YWnPyemBVPvqVxT1o-sqVzG_Ujpa1G7V6zR3_2xrwTGCySxPb4/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1573" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsLUpeFGm7SytDIMhoV3AA78kWC5QOoxmTDNWUE0AF7Ra5OdzZy3-2EI-CqsKXYI1u5mHvEh9O6fvrb9VeUAyfAEQl5YWnPyemBVPvqVxT1o-sqVzG_Ujpa1G7V6zR3_2xrwTGCySxPb4/s200/QTIP.png" width="196" /></a></div>
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The writing meditation (we utilized
different types of meditations each day, to expose us to something new, and to
start firing some new connections in our brains, speed up some of our healing,
by utilizing the creativity inside of us) that we did the next morning was prompted
with “Write a Letter to your Gremlin/Demon”.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I gladly, and proudly share with you the letter
that wildly erupted on paper (and YES, it is highly vulgar). </div>
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(I am
working on “vulnerability”, being open and authentic, true to myself, and, I
also believe/feel that in sharing our stories, in the raw, we extend opportunities
to inspire healing in another. We have the power to help someone, without having
any knowledge of that fact, with our words.) </div>
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I called him out, and announced his fate!!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Clearly, expending that kind of energy was
an incredible procession through hell, and I desperately needed to have some
type of closure to the process itself. I suggested, wheedled, and then successfully encouraged the others to join me in my request: I felt it would be
extremely healing, and supportive of one another in case of overwhelming
emotions, to burn our letters; to have a ceremony around the release of these
gremlins. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">We went outside, with a garbage can, and we
each took a turn tossing our letters and pictures into the fire, uttering
whatever words we needed in our own moment above the flames.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I felt so empowered in that moment. I felt
lighter. I finally felt free.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Having identified “Insidious”, addressed
him, and given him his walking papers, I still knew that these demons are relentless,
and they really don’t like to be denied or ignored. I knew that I would have to
remain vigilant in keeping "Insidious" away. I continued on with the daily grind
of my recovery and healing, learning new tools, trying to continually be
mindful and AWARE of my thoughts and behaviors, and tried to catch myself
whenever I could sense his presence.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I really worked hard at being cognizant of,
and catching my thoughts, AND busting "Insidious". I began to, have fun with it;
proudly laughing at him, throwing him the finger over my shoulder and telling
him: “Ha Ha Ha!! Nice try!! But, F@#% OFF!!” I enjoy it. I find it quite
satisfying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Recently though, in addition to simply having
to deal with life on life’s terms, and “feel the feelings” (oh the joys!!), I
just really began to feel off. Balance, self-trust, and self-care/self-soothing
have all been a lot of work in trying to establish, and I’ve been practicing
being kinder and gentler to myself. I really do have a very powerful propensity
towards, an often twisted, sense of “perfection”, and I <s>“have a tendency to
be”,</s> AM “extremely hard” on myself, but I really began to feel like I was
being <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">too</b> gentle with myself. I
found myself easily making excuses and avoiding little things; all of which
begin/began to slowly pile up, with a little red flag sticking out the top. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG0xZIvlojhffxG1TIXMMyy_Tzj3_BiKd1CSC_POdLFVQ9P7nSqMNjrG9hxizoA883QZLPPecya5YfSXLiEa8UAC4WK3ht2oSTmIKQ2bW3Od8l1_mhvGc0KSzVmkr8zaoe1jsqe3Y1gwQ/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="434" data-original-width="225" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG0xZIvlojhffxG1TIXMMyy_Tzj3_BiKd1CSC_POdLFVQ9P7nSqMNjrG9hxizoA883QZLPPecya5YfSXLiEa8UAC4WK3ht2oSTmIKQ2bW3Od8l1_mhvGc0KSzVmkr8zaoe1jsqe3Y1gwQ/s200/QTIP.png" width="103" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I began to wonder, and paid a little more
attention to what I was feeling vs. what I was doing, loudly questioning
myself, my decisions and thoughts… I felt that Insidious had begun to move back
in. Like a spider, he had spun his intricate, detailed, and well-planned web, again,
and I, like a little bug, was becoming sticky, almost stuck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">“He’s trying to weaken me, keeping me home, feeling
low, b/c “it’s ok to be gentle with myself right now”. He’s really done his
homework, and he’s trying to use my new knowledge and skills against me. I say “Fu@%
YOU!!” each time I catch him lurking, but he’s pretty sneaky these days. He’s
messing with my motivations and sleep, he’s urging me into lazy and smoking a
lot, he’s not wanting me to eat, and especially not healthily. He’s got me
procrastinating, putting off, avoiding, making excuses, and rationalizing.
Shit! He’s making a real go at trying to bring me down again! COMBAT! I beat
him before, and I will AGAIN and AGAIN if I have to!! So, given what I know, I
now need to make a plan! I need a safety, action plan to bury him!! I’m not
playing with you INSIDIOUS!! I AM STRONGER AND SMARTER!!”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I wrote that last week, after the last, very powerful,
<a href="https://www.smartrecovery.org/">Smart Recovery</a> session. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The next day, at CAB, I had the opportunity
to REALLY work with "Insidious". It turned out to be the most intense,
eye-opening, WOW., experience that I have had so far in this journey of mine. (and it happened in a room full of mere strangers!! Talk about allowing myself to be vulnerable!!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-26401170647560890932018-10-07T00:04:00.000-07:002018-10-07T00:04:13.793-07:00Vulnerability, Values, and "Insidious"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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To say that it has been a long week, <s>is,
well,</s> FEELS redundant.</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">There have definitely been some "themes" that have been arising around me, calling for my attention, and so </span>I have been doing a ton of writing, pondering, thinking, questioning, digging, deleting, letting go, forgiving, surrendering; a lot of <b>work </b>happening during this personal renovation!!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOs_gMDou5EZcQ07-fGV0EgX5tYI-XrHoAecakVMzbK7flwzMEUu7m1w1gTSXlJfm823EYpqG_hBWbOzgVdHnBMUPd38S9OloLzpxY0qu_2m-7ss6HZJp9nAzp5QF7LABMglZ7HTNsVeI/s1600/Flower+in+the+rough.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOs_gMDou5EZcQ07-fGV0EgX5tYI-XrHoAecakVMzbK7flwzMEUu7m1w1gTSXlJfm823EYpqG_hBWbOzgVdHnBMUPd38S9OloLzpxY0qu_2m-7ss6HZJp9nAzp5QF7LABMglZ7HTNsVeI/s200/Flower+in+the+rough.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here's a snippet of some thoughts I had on <b>Vulnerability</b>:</div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>"Tonight, as I wound down, I found myself
coming back to “vulnerability”, and I felt compelled to watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk, <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability/transcript?language=en">The Power of Vulnerability</a> (which I absolutely LOVE, and I urge you to watch!!). I have now seen it several
times, but with this increasing clarity and awareness I've got going on, I felt it resonate even
deeper this time. I admire her wisdom, sense of compassion, and her
strength. Her message is valuable, if not life-saving.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img height="166" src="https://beautifullifeproject.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/vulnerability.jpg" width="200" /><i> </i></span></div>
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</i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><i>I am beginning to see how my lack of
vulnerability has been the block in my moving forward, in anything, throughout my entire life. I
have rarely, if ever, fully allowed myself to be vulnerable, in any
relationship or situation. Fear of the ramifications to be found in "exposing" myself <s>were</s> felt too scary. Fear of the unknown. Fear of myself. Fear of
others. Fear of judgment. Fear of failure; real or perceived. </i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>I didn't know how to be authentic, and really, that's probably because I myself have never known the "real me"."</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
The things I value in life is another area where I am learning, growing, and "getting it":</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Last night at <span class="MsoHyperlink"><a href="https://www.smartrecovery.org/">Smart Recovery</a></span>, we had our first closed group (smaller, more efficient and effective), and we are starting at the beginning! <b>Point 1 – Building and Maintaining Motivation</b>, which introduces the tool <span class="MsoHyperlink"><a href="https://smartrecovery.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/HOV-1.pdf?_ga=2.88409245.742333186.1538810941-918939500.1538026649">Hierarchy
of Values</a></span> (HOV). Many of us have made these kind of lists throughout our lives, and I'm sure some of you can appreciate how difficult they can sometimes be to do!! I have never enjoyed making them myself, and had a very hard time with it. In this past year, I've done SEVERAL different worksheets, and HOV's, and while they have gotten easier, it has typically still been a source of discomfort.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>This time was different!</i></span></div>
<i><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRsBiqYQcE9SdikJFyvf4HGd8TyRAZzVDo9XTYTWP4Eq0RzXMQVBs-AMNoOHY0q-rFHwnNn4PbKcl08BTmYyL0C-XoOVwHG6K2eo_gFlz_K3NSYIcADXgrPj_vXqBL3eu6vsGhDvBlKSY/s1600/140502-20-selected-values.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="770" data-original-width="849" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRsBiqYQcE9SdikJFyvf4HGd8TyRAZzVDo9XTYTWP4Eq0RzXMQVBs-AMNoOHY0q-rFHwnNn4PbKcl08BTmYyL0C-XoOVwHG6K2eo_gFlz_K3NSYIcADXgrPj_vXqBL3eu6vsGhDvBlKSY/s200/140502-20-selected-values.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span lang="EN-US">For the first time
in my life, </span>I joyfully realized, my list was EASY to compile, AND prioritize. On top of that, I proudly WANTED to identify MYSELF as something (of) I
value. (The facilitators were also blown away, because in their experience thus far, I was the first person to think of including myself as a value while doing an HOV!) My perceptions and beliefs about myself have been growing substantially stronger in the face of different events recently, and I am truly beginning to allow myself to recognize and honor those things that are important to me, and in me. I am finally allowing myself to recognize how valuable, precious, and amazing I am!</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>This healing and recovery journey of mine, as I refer to it, has definitely been at the top of the list in recent months, but I had to re-examine where my "addiction’s” ranked on my list of values. It’s a struggle to accept that one as even belonging on my list of values, as I (anyone) don’t WANT to give any sense of significance or power to this negative monster in my life, and am working at moving past it. But, I/we have to realize and accept that, every time we CHOOSE our "addiction"(behavior, DOC, thinking, etc.), by default, we ARE choosing it, making it a top priority, over anything and everything else that is most important to us."</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo6mK1tu4P1RNrFZTUGtVwe5ra4r2CXES4BxVF11KQxTH5XMYLXoQtCmzK_os0jOnhXEYLEIS26-RaoLMIpI-CDaMW2wNfnr5dracHlDYaS5y3XhyphenhyphenJodNjbJ7vNR_lacM5xsxkb4_tCOs/s1600/Personal-Values-Quote.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="306" data-original-width="457" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo6mK1tu4P1RNrFZTUGtVwe5ra4r2CXES4BxVF11KQxTH5XMYLXoQtCmzK_os0jOnhXEYLEIS26-RaoLMIpI-CDaMW2wNfnr5dracHlDYaS5y3XhyphenhyphenJodNjbJ7vNR_lacM5xsxkb4_tCOs/s200/Personal-Values-Quote.png" width="200" /></a></div>
<div>
I had a lot of productivity, growth and progress, AH HA!! moments, curiosities and discoveries going on, and I enrolled to complete my Grade 12 English; which it turns out is now the only thing between me and my Adult Dogwood!! I also turned 40. (!!) So, yes, the week has been draining, in all the right ways. </div>
<br />
Underlying all of this good stuff though, I have felt a current of something dark flowing.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to give you a brief introduction to my "Inner Demon", and the end of this post.<br />
<br />
Insidious.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Back around February, I was working with my
daughters counselor; she was DEFINITELY an amazing member of <i>The Team</i>. During one of
our typical, empowering, and creative sessions, she prompted me to think about
that mean and nasty inner voice, my inner demon; to identify it </span><span lang="EN-US">with detail, and give it a name. S</span>he opened the doors to shelves full of art supplies, and left me to create a representation. I immediately went to work, furiously forming various colors of clay, producing something dark, ugly and menacing. As we discussed this, thing, and I thought,
described, and reviewed my negative
thoughts and behaviors, the word “insidious” kept coming to me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so became
the name of the monster within; Insidious.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">While in Day Program, one day w</span>e were
given a stack of assorted coloring pages, from which we were instructed to choose one that
represented our personal villain(s), demons, addictions; color it and name it. I had begun work on
this guy already, Insidious, and so I knew exactly what I felt he looked like,
and instantly found his picture.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggyWP0qupAg0DtNzVdxD8GhHAEhM_i5UXCotpR4uScyhEq-28pzII0TWF3fAI-p96zJT4be9WTr6hnB-be2pNRvp76RPqB9-u1QT4jucyG1NFu3cOvdOv45C5ObvjBzVjhn5D6VF1omoQ/s1600/33868406_10155171183885378_7216830476567183360_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggyWP0qupAg0DtNzVdxD8GhHAEhM_i5UXCotpR4uScyhEq-28pzII0TWF3fAI-p96zJT4be9WTr6hnB-be2pNRvp76RPqB9-u1QT4jucyG1NFu3cOvdOv45C5ObvjBzVjhn5D6VF1omoQ/s200/33868406_10155171183885378_7216830476567183360_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(His appearance, paired with my description of him, and imitation of his voice and demeanor, seriously triggered some of my “group
peeps”; he is insanely creepy, scary, and has a strangely strong sense of
familiarity to others)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My apologies for the scary guy as an end, or start, to your day!!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don't worry!! I have his number, his jig is up!!</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-45876074941199874402018-10-06T00:19:00.000-07:002018-10-06T00:19:59.261-07:00Q-Tips, Expectations and Letting Go<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyKi4XkFtS66ZS80PyQu12FU4XMZ6ZX-PwwLJKLHxpyP50UbtNJbByOzBUt-tCPRfmipQS2lLPjqX9EGbeQRdkikGz8F2ZSsf_ea0qLE5p2ZMjITLWDkwSSNWeViJbKhTD4TYtvAxYuHQ/s1600/qtip2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="214" data-original-width="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyKi4XkFtS66ZS80PyQu12FU4XMZ6ZX-PwwLJKLHxpyP50UbtNJbByOzBUt-tCPRfmipQS2lLPjqX9EGbeQRdkikGz8F2ZSsf_ea0qLE5p2ZMjITLWDkwSSNWeViJbKhTD4TYtvAxYuHQ/s1600/qtip2.png" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
This morning I came across, yet another of
Jay Shetty’s inspiring video’s, -<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SJBYpn_4IQ">If You’ve Been Rejected</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">and it truly provoked an abundance of curiosity
and thought surrounding the topic throughout the day. I thought about how it
related to work (or job search), relationships, our negative behaviors or our “stinking thinking”, among many other areas… I
thought about how we have a tendency, in the face of “rejection”, to cling desperately
to the, wait for it…. EXPECTATION, the vision we created, the story that we
made up and told ourselves. We are EXPECTING the job interview, or relationship,
or whatever it is, to go our way, to fit into our “plan”, and when it doesn’t,
we crumble. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We then allow our minds to become clouded,
and we become paralyzed by a perceived sense of failure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">We forget that familiar adage about one door
closing, and another opening. It also applies to that gate that just won’t budge,
no matter how hard we push; it won’t open because it just isn’t our path. But,
we take the rejection personally, like a slap in the face.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-US">(Upon graduation from the Day Program, in our "safety/reminder kit", </span>they added a Q-Tip as a visual reminder to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!!)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiktORSdtVc9Y2u7VckV_QRFVh35h0Ipu0S5Jus4lx2d5-o_3UA2KZZjV1Jf33oycZVBzwZNs7ilYKWz0w0H_nbsC-Sly31SuYp80x7tz7eoQ5UJ1kLkVPD5QjOYOkczfhohZ2XNXjGRFA/s1600/QTIP.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1405" data-original-width="1600" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiktORSdtVc9Y2u7VckV_QRFVh35h0Ipu0S5Jus4lx2d5-o_3UA2KZZjV1Jf33oycZVBzwZNs7ilYKWz0w0H_nbsC-Sly31SuYp80x7tz7eoQ5UJ1kLkVPD5QjOYOkczfhohZ2XNXjGRFA/s200/QTIP.png" width="200" /></a></div>
The rejection isn’t about us and it absolutely
does not define us. If we can learn to let go, of the <b>perceived</b> internal and external
EXPECTATIONS, it will genuinely free us.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Here are some more tidbits that presented themselves
to me, and resonated with me today… Jay Shetty as he speaks, wisely, in his video, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22cJhs3NgnE">Learn to Let Go</a>, and
Jill Sherer Murray shares her story about the freedom and growth she found in
<b>letting go</b>, in her TEDx Wilmington Women talk, <a href="https://youtu.be/nirKw3mWB3I">The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go</a>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were parts of today's daily meditation found in Melody Beattie's
book <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Language-Letting-Go-Hazelden-Meditation/dp/0894866370">The
Language of Letting Go</a> that also spoke to me:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>October 3, 2018 Getting Through the
Discomfort</i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">“Surrender
to the pain. Then learn to surrender to the good. It’s there and more is on the
way.”</span></i><span lang="EN-US"> – <i>from </i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Beyond-Codependency-Getting-Better-Time/dp/0894865838/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538641144&sr=1-1&keywords=beyond+codependency">Beyond
Codependency</a></span><i> by Melody Beattie</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>“Our goal in recovery is to make ourselves feel
comfortable, peaceful, content. Happy. We want to be at peace with ourselves
and our environment. Sometimes, to do that, we need to be willing to face,
feel, and get through discomfort.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i><br /></i></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>“When we do the kind of work we are facing
in recovery, we are doing an emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery on ourselves.
We’re removing parts of us that are infected and inflamed. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>Sometimes the process hurts.”</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I found this poem in <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Sin-Such-This-Novel/dp/1476743681/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538641310&sr=1-1&keywords=A+sin+such+as+this">A
Sin Such as This</a> by Ellen Hopkins quite powerful:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">“Why
Look for Meaning<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">In little
things:<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">The murmur
of a sparrow’s<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Wings,
questions<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Asked
of wind and seed<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Lost in
autumn grass;<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">The stubborn
reach <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Of surf,
intent on whittling<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Beach
and arranging<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Curls
of seaweed<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">On driftwood
statuary;<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">The copper
scent <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Of rain
on prairies shoulders,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Bent by
drought,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Slivers
of creation, wet<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">In shallow
reflection.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Why
look for meaning<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">In little
things<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">When monoliths
stand<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Square
in your way<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Area easier,
by far,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">To topple?”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglN2KWayobMtkjx1ua4nLjJSmzp_2LQtSdVHr_CMxyH43b8DiUMSGhuHu7AGVgKpROTyVo-gTDDy6xe6wcih3bmfRuom-xd0zmZKaT6M3Wr5U2XqnoAGZ7Yg4k-oCciwL7NSBbdgASPEM/s1600/Monolith.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1196" data-original-width="1600" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglN2KWayobMtkjx1ua4nLjJSmzp_2LQtSdVHr_CMxyH43b8DiUMSGhuHu7AGVgKpROTyVo-gTDDy6xe6wcih3bmfRuom-xd0zmZKaT6M3Wr5U2XqnoAGZ7Yg4k-oCciwL7NSBbdgASPEM/s320/Monolith.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">And, lastly (because I found it empowering, and the book is just damn good, start to finish!!):</span></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Women must maneuver this world thoughtfully. Look pretty. Act sexy. Be a good mommy, a hell-raiser in bed. But don’t dare demand your place at the table. And should be offered a seat, expect less money and an uninvited hand up your skirt, and be grateful you were invited at all. It is heartening to see women step up, push forward, gather momentum, and earn the respect they so deserve. And we must honor those who paved the way-women like my mother who survived neglect, abuse, poverty, and war, and emerged kind, creative, and full of heart. Thank you, Mama, for gifting me with words, faith, and abundant love. I miss you every day.” </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Acknowledgements written by Ellen Hopkins in <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Sin-Such-This-Novel/dp/1476743681/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538641310&sr=1-1&keywords=A+sin+such+as+this">A Sin Such As This</a>.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-12460489304352249472018-09-27T01:33:00.001-07:002018-09-27T01:34:16.621-07:00Links, Books, Quotes, and AADP<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsuo3XqL2PEMmYDK5bassJnnNB92R0ELORag_9LFFInwg7k0DU68_ObM1s3APGPGslezRsprhTAlByNCitKzmemsJjhMdtvETKxY-NpTsseYW5JQ9dN0G1EeX4KhntX6Ml6H0VHcucMM0/s1600/Flower+in+the+rough.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsuo3XqL2PEMmYDK5bassJnnNB92R0ELORag_9LFFInwg7k0DU68_ObM1s3APGPGslezRsprhTAlByNCitKzmemsJjhMdtvETKxY-NpTsseYW5JQ9dN0G1EeX4KhntX6Ml6H0VHcucMM0/s200/Flower+in+the+rough.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even in the harshest of conditions...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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In March, I began feeling stronger about working
on my healing and recovery.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><i>The team</i>, knowing my thirst for knowledge, talked
about Co-Dependency,
Boundaries, using Affirmations (I begin my day writing a positive affirmation about myself), </span> and Grounding, among other topics. As I searched for their
recommendations, I began to delve deep into the shelves at the library, soaking
in the many words and comfort I found in the plethora of books I found there.</div>
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<br /></div>
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There were many, of course, but the ones that really stand out as being an
immense help were: </div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1582701709">The Secret</a>
by Rhonda Byrne. I LOVED and was totally inspired by Mackenzie Phillips 2nd
book, <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Hopeful-Healing-Managing-Surviving-Addiction/dp/1582705704/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538029887&sr=1-2&keywords=mackenzie+phillips">Hopeful
Healing</a>, and then read her 1<sup>st</sup>, <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/High-Arrival-Memoir-Mackenzie-Phillips/dp/1439153868/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538029887&sr=1-1&keywords=mackenzie+phillips">High
on Arrival</a>. <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Rewired-Bold-Approach-Addiction-Recovery/dp/1578265657/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538030135&sr=1-1&keywords=rewired">Rewired</a>
by Eerica Spiegelman stirred me so much, that for the first time EVER, I veritably
got serious about what I was taking in, and genuinely did the work, dug into
the questions I needed to ask myself, and proudly had some small epiphanies. As
with Rewired, <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Recover-Empowering-Program-Thinking-Reclaim/dp/073821812X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1538030375&sr=1-1&keywords=Recover">Recover</a>
by Stanton Peele, PhD, put me to work. It was fucking hard!! Yet, I persisted,
and began to make some progress in understanding myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I began taking notes in CAB, learning about
<a href="https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-articles/introduction-to-rebt/?_ga=2.193943470.283485051.1538026649-918939500.1538026649">REBT</a>
(Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy), and working through the <a href="https://smartrecovery.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/ABC_Worksheet.pdf?_ga=2.173456160.283485051.1538026649-918939500.1538026649">ABC</a>
and <a href="https://smartrecovery.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/ABC_Worksheet.pdf?_ga=2.173456160.283485051.1538026649-918939500.1538026649">CBA</a>
worksheets they had available from the <a href="https://www.smartrecovery.org/about-us/">SMART Recovery</a> program. We
spoke a lot about <a href="https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-articles/rational-and-irrational-beliefs/">IB’s</a>
(Irrational Beliefs), <a href="https://www.smartrecovery.org/5-ways-to-deal-with-urges-and-cravings/">Dealing
with Urges and Cravings</a>, and Early Recovery among MANY topics each week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I began to hear phrases, words, and quotes
that stuck with me, and I repeatedly wrote them out in the notebook I carried
to group:</span> “It takes 21 Days to create a new habit”, “healing at a cellular
level”, “feelings aren’t facts”, “If life doesn’t go right, go left”, and Mama
Facilitator’s favorite, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail”, which was her
segue to pull out the Safety Cards. At first, I carelessly wrote them out, and
carried them close as suggested. It took some time before I truly found the
value in them, and I continue to use the many I have now created. I highly recommend creating your own!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj19w07sSd9H1RGNOg2cNYiq3E4gNBOCs6H7x3brH2EoL24ww53iIXeTSL_a_TqRxbFS6oiAnklcRqwmLc54r7GWj5iMYCuf9TQX63lBTCy8mn2JUBOyIdpVqzDxmPldaD4-MePlVjMIzI/s1600/Inked20180926_232212_LI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj19w07sSd9H1RGNOg2cNYiq3E4gNBOCs6H7x3brH2EoL24ww53iIXeTSL_a_TqRxbFS6oiAnklcRqwmLc54r7GWj5iMYCuf9TQX63lBTCy8mn2JUBOyIdpVqzDxmPldaD4-MePlVjMIzI/s200/Inked20180926_232212_LI.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I began dipping my toes into the </span>actual SMART Recovery meeting with my new friend Teeny in April. Though I knew no one else,
I felt instantly at ease and comfortable when I walked in for the first time.
The group topic often, coincidentally, aligned with what we had worked on in
CAB, which I found incredibly helpful. I was able to really cement the ideas inside myself,
making it easier to re-wire some parts of my brain and create new thought
patterns and beliefs!</div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I was starting to get so excited about
getting healthy and changing my life!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I was doing a lot of intense, hard-work, as
I continued to drink. Until, I made a CHOICE not to. I had finally attended the
Orientation for AADP, placed myself on the wait-list, and got ready to WAIT.
And WAIT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">As I mentioned in my last <a href="https://laurindasseaonsoflife.blogspot.com/2018/09/seeds-planted-in-rabbit-hole-fertilizer.html">post</a>,
“The feedback I received around me was, of course, over the moon positive and
proud. I, however, was doing some tricky thinking in the background. One of the
requirements of attending AADP is to be clean during the 8 weeks of the
program. That little voice inside taunted me, telling me that no one would ever
know what I did upon leaving group each day. With a laugh, I, finally, caught
and corrected that thought. <b>I</b> would know. The joke, and the consequences, would
only be on <b>me</b>. I announced that I would be easing off until I got the call, and
<b>then</b> I would quit."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><i>“Whatever games are played with us, we must
play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last honesty and
truth.” Ralph Waldo Emerson</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><o:p>Thankully, my drive to get healthy was activated BEFORE I got that call, and so I had be</o:p></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p>come</o:p></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p> </o:p></span>intentional in my daily activities, preparing myself for what lay ahead. I quit drinking.</div>
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I worked hard with my books, engaged in learning and healing, identified and enforced boundaries (for the first time EVER), and whatever else I thought might be helpful!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoIsbJ4YAjcZ0nHkhE-jD-078mg8scvqMe32p2JH_Wi-ssAnSX5IszeNgYSSgVjXpWhlgk-wertfdwaxEE-ioPZ7zIINflmWSNAho4Kqkxp4xTBjLOi5K65Umkx7HtfH9mSnX9OWQpLSQ/s1600/Going+to+AADP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="545" data-original-width="1600" height="108" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoIsbJ4YAjcZ0nHkhE-jD-078mg8scvqMe32p2JH_Wi-ssAnSX5IszeNgYSSgVjXpWhlgk-wertfdwaxEE-ioPZ7zIINflmWSNAho4Kqkxp4xTBjLOi5K65Umkx7HtfH9mSnX9OWQpLSQ/s320/Going+to+AADP.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I was at <b>18 days</b> without a drink when I finally did get the call that I would be starting AADP, and I was STOKED!! I was becoming more clear and positive in my thinking, and was trying quite hard to quit the "stinking thinking" voice that was attempting to intimidate me.</div>
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Finally I made it!! My first day, I was early (as usual), and my apprehension instantly eased when I discovered a familiar face who I'd met in CAB a while back. That first day was everything I'd hoped for and more. The immediate connection I felt to the 3 others who began that day (another beautiful friendly face from CAB), the seniors that were so accepting and helpful, and the 3 kick-ass facilitators blew me away. </div>
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I knew that I was finally where I needed to be, and I was raring to get started!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrCyvqXpjQw_7AUb1-LVEaaFjwBLNySNSYGrv_beu1JPYdPUPTJnLkRTpG_jy-i_yQE5Yn21btSmTT2jQ6bORAiGr-C0maa1EPajf4BNHreW0nCNo510l2zDXjjLAJEzlnGgeG0ZBk0Aw/s1600/Start+AADP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1216" data-original-width="1600" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrCyvqXpjQw_7AUb1-LVEaaFjwBLNySNSYGrv_beu1JPYdPUPTJnLkRTpG_jy-i_yQE5Yn21btSmTT2jQ6bORAiGr-C0maa1EPajf4BNHreW0nCNo510l2zDXjjLAJEzlnGgeG0ZBk0Aw/s320/Start+AADP.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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</div>
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(I wanted to share what's been working for me, and so I gave you some of my favorite info! I hope you find it helpful/useful. I hope that you feel inspired while you forge your own path, remembering that you are never alone)</div>
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(And don't worry, I'll have a ton more links to share with you as I go along!! The interesting stuff, the surprising, the helpful and useful, the funny...)</div>
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See you soon!! ;)</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-25540138808916067422018-09-25T00:26:00.001-07:002018-09-25T00:26:13.250-07:00Seeds Planted in the "Rabbit Hole", Fertilizer, and Other $hit<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6cmVT_FNq1wv0gEfTCx438Oh2nCl70YtdqxbSQg1VNqWbcOl_3_5E4U_saFkJYcs6lre8EJOjW9FvTNTyPNU-2T66ih99lkT75Ah6Ut1jaIOv7DxoX947Ymsz2K_9IXKXmeRdu1DSZQw/s1600/team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="151" data-original-width="333" height="145" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6cmVT_FNq1wv0gEfTCx438Oh2nCl70YtdqxbSQg1VNqWbcOl_3_5E4U_saFkJYcs6lre8EJOjW9FvTNTyPNU-2T66ih99lkT75Ah6Ut1jaIOv7DxoX947Ymsz2K_9IXKXmeRdu1DSZQw/s320/team.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2018 began deep inside the “Rabbit Hole”,
blanketed beneath the familiar fog of bleakness. All things (behaviors)
considered, I had survived the holiday season.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I was fully immersed in isolation. I still hadn’t
found the drive to clean and organize my home; not specifically the dirty,
gross messy, but there was stuff and things and paper and more STUFF
everywhere. That vicious cycle was in motion; shame around the mess, which led
to feelings of weakness and defeat, which circled back around to shame. I did
only what was necessary; whatever was needed in terms of taking care of my
daughter, but I easily cancelled my own appointments and plans, and certainly
didn’t take care of myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><i>The
team</i> did their best to bring me back around, but even they began to wonder if I
needed more help. And so, I began hearing MCFD (Ministry of Children and Family
Development) referenced as a possible, “helpful” option. Of course, that scared
the shit out of me. I already had issues with authority, was working on healing
from abuse (CONTROL), and the Mama Bear inside roared protectively. We had
already been through so much, I could not and would not allow any kind of “intervention”
like that into our life. I couldn’t do that to my girl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Yet, I was relentless and reckless in my
drinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">February came around, and a few of the many
seeds <i>the team</i> had planted began to germinate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I soon began
going to CAB again. Inside, I was ashamed, and was sure that I would be judged
when I walked back through the door. Of course, my anxiety was irrational.
There were a couple of familiar faces that were pleased to see me back, and I
quickly realized/remembered that these were my people, and I was happy to see
them too. We were in the same boat, different positions of course, but the empathy
and understanding instantly put me at ease. It had taken about 5 months, but I felt close enough to
comfortable with one of the girls that had initially started CAB shortly after
me. We were both content in our isolation at that point, though we knew we
would need to expand if we hoped to stay the path to health and happiness. We
would need support. One day, I reluctantly asked if we might exchange numbers,
specifically noting that I was not ready for meeting for coffee, having phone
chats, or making a new friend. This would be a strictly texting relationship,
with the purpose of supporting one another, “just in case”. We had both let out
a HUGE sigh of relief upon noting this, for she felt the same way! LOL That was the first of many GIANT steps I began to take.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">The seeds
continued to germinate, but the conditions were still not quite right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcLFcKXga41aFONE3a4GFyN5lRIvxc-WTP3DndIKuHdq8Crq2HGy8ZIi8LQKbR4nHCybgZv_vnQa8lp-LWiG8ex5EGo_yK_v-eP5pFXZ6Tesst9AuCe4ERPqUytmzqVemE387XTLRElT8/s1600/team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcLFcKXga41aFONE3a4GFyN5lRIvxc-WTP3DndIKuHdq8Crq2HGy8ZIi8LQKbR4nHCybgZv_vnQa8lp-LWiG8ex5EGo_yK_v-eP5pFXZ6Tesst9AuCe4ERPqUytmzqVemE387XTLRElT8/s200/team.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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I was really
enjoying the Smart Recovery tools that were being presented in CAB. It was so
freeing and inspiring, to be part of open and honest conversation about all of “our
shit”, and actually feel heard AND understood.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">(My new friend
seems to come up with THE BEST anecdotes in our groups. (perhaps I’ll call them
<b>Teeny’s Words of Wisdom</b>!) What we call “our shit”, she suggests we consider “fertilizer”
instead. Makes sense to me! Yeah, there was a lot of dirty, mucky stuff, but it
helped me GROW!!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi92IQd-hRJ_uugLG-FefoSPBCeG1sq1NfcXI_p0ewqWZWW7jhBCpppiA53CfQSqe9kbq3xHSiWBX_uzYZY-z39tfdpHlj_5mSdvcM_reAAaywvPtyeTSMgM3kUa2cCx72H5sibmWDRkNo/s1600/team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi92IQd-hRJ_uugLG-FefoSPBCeG1sq1NfcXI_p0ewqWZWW7jhBCpppiA53CfQSqe9kbq3xHSiWBX_uzYZY-z39tfdpHlj_5mSdvcM_reAAaywvPtyeTSMgM3kUa2cCx72H5sibmWDRkNo/s200/team.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">There was also a
lot of conversation about AADP (Adult Addictions Day Program). It was an
outpatient program, that took place over 8 weeks, full days, teaching coping
and (what I consider LIFE SKILLS) recovery information and tools. There was a
ton of positive feedback about it, and I was seriously intrigued (it sounded
similar to the pre-employment program I had completed the previous Fall, with
an obvious different focus) by it. I was also very intimidated by it. As was
with CAB, I was agonizing over the stigma, real or not, that I would face were
I to take part. Besides, as I looked at my list of excuses, there was just no
way it was an option for ME.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">I had another appointment with a member of
the team in which MCFD was brought up, and then another suggestion: REHAB/DETOX.
Had I ever considered it? No! No I had not! I didn’t need REHAB or DETOX. That
was for other people. THEM. Not someone like ME! I wasn’t THAT bad!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />
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<span lang="EN-US">I left that appointment to attend CAB. My
mind left twisting and twirling, I drove there completely awash in tears. I immediately
located one of the group facilitators. She quickly reassured me that I was ok,
and certainly didn’t appear, from what she knew of me, and what she was seeing
in that moment, to be in need of Rehab or Detox. The sense was that it was more
of a suggestion to aid in giving me that solid couple of days without alcohol
in my system, as well as a safe place away from all triggers, with an intent to,
hopefully, possibly, finally, gain some clarity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">It wasn’t long afterwards that I began to
seriously consider signing up for the AADP. And then, I found my way to the required
orientation, and placed myself on the wait list in March.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The feedback I received around me was, of course,
over the moon positive and proud. I, however, was doing some tricky thinking in the
background. One of the requirements of attending AADP is to be clean during
the 8 weeks of the program. That little voice inside taunted me, telling me
that no one would ever know what I did upon leaving group each day. With a
laugh, I, finally, caught and corrected that thought. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> would know. The joke, and the consequences, would only be on <b>me</b>. I
announced that I would be easing off until I got the call, and then I would quit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I carried on as usual.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Easter and Spring Break came, and my
daughter went South (BC, not Mexico!!) with Grandma and Grandpa for vacation. I
planned to use the time to myself, perhaps “wisely”. I requested space from my
boyfriend during that time, to work on me. For the first time in my life, I
spent time being closer than ever to myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The seeds were growing!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSvF6KmGJcyMgFNI2sgX7M1HjkK5rSHAD4-ZsbOSctNrGO-DCFd8u12_6U9d-sQEuttWFD4_BCPsx36YXWr1GEhCMwZXh-uFlJNUTvN4H_sJgBP0dU-D1bYGynGTEa_kdgisTlG9NNRI0/s1600/growing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="189" data-original-width="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSvF6KmGJcyMgFNI2sgX7M1HjkK5rSHAD4-ZsbOSctNrGO-DCFd8u12_6U9d-sQEuttWFD4_BCPsx36YXWr1GEhCMwZXh-uFlJNUTvN4H_sJgBP0dU-D1bYGynGTEa_kdgisTlG9NNRI0/s1600/growing.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The day before I had to travel to pick my
daughter up, I decided I was done. I decided that I didn't want to drink that
night, and attempted to stop myself from making plans to drink while I was
away. Although that was a major accomplishment of it’s own, I don’t think that
I really took myself seriously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">A couple of days later, while I was away, a
semi-estranged friend contacted me out of the blue. We had met during the extremely
unstable time leading up to the end of my marriage. While we became
close quickly, it was a very unhealthy and toxic friendship, so we eventually
stopped seeing each other. We rarely socialized without alcohol, and a LOT of
it, and she was also doing a bit more than dabbling with various drugs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">When she announced that she was coming up
on 6 months clean, I was blown away. In my state of judgmental and assuming
beliefs about others, I had NEVER envisioned her as someone with the strength
and courage to stop using. She genuinely sounded different. Good different.
Positive for the first time since I’d known her. She was even encouraging as I
told her that I was approaching the path to recovery myself. I was inspired,
reassured, validated, and grateful beyond words after that conversation; though
it took me a few months to thank her! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It was as though our conversation cemented
everything I knew I NEEDED to do. I had finally given myself permission to do
the healing I deserved and needed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I started the Day Program about 2 weeks after
that conversation, and finally crawled out of that damn rabbit hole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-22730169702992675942018-09-23T23:55:00.001-07:002018-09-23T23:55:15.080-07:00Change?! MY?! Addictive?! Behaviors?! <br />
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXuVzzJIb2dntD9a-jMlBmxTW1jC0D_MgZ_Kch5if31EFKcONlKE8Wk-Fjl8sqYJH5foAxzqToeLF8q8a0aF1ibcSAZjDzgLest9fx87Nih8dZNiWyAK_zi-YdCWfb2PwlDXLdRmXstz8/s1600/superwoman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="233" data-original-width="217" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXuVzzJIb2dntD9a-jMlBmxTW1jC0D_MgZ_Kch5if31EFKcONlKE8Wk-Fjl8sqYJH5foAxzqToeLF8q8a0aF1ibcSAZjDzgLest9fx87Nih8dZNiWyAK_zi-YdCWfb2PwlDXLdRmXstz8/s200/superwoman.jpg" width="186" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last year at this time, I was beginning to
see the validity in the suggestions I had been hearing from my <i>team</i> and others. I realized
that, I had to fully focus on my healing and recovery, which
I desperately needed to do; for myself, and for my daughter. Which meant that I had to stop
homeschooling my girl. I finally, and reluctantly, decided to enroll her in school.
I felt like I was giving up, as though I was weak because I couldn’t get it all
under control. But, big surprise, I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN! (That was a hard one to
accept! LOL) Amid the feelings of grief and loss that I had over this
transition though, I also began to give up the twisted sense of control that I thought I had, and the many excuses
that I was desperately clinging to.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">With my daughter in school, I now had the time
and opportunity to attend this CAB (Changing Addictive Behaviors) group <i>the team</i>
had been encouraging me to try. I was beyond nervous, and my anxiety was
through the roof again as I prepared myself to go. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many irrational thoughts bounced around my
mind, excuses and reasons as to why I shouldn’t and couldn't go. I mean seriously? Me? Attend
a GROUP?! People? Strangers? Talking about my feelers? HOW was this going to
be good for me?! I had many fears surrounding the stigmas held about Mental Health and Addictions, the people I might
see, specifically and generally. I was also full of my own expected and
perceived unreasonable judgments about others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaoD0QFEOxuxIjFooDYvvOpOY7czO5EnLq29IotUQIzTM2JrnSySUSkhCzFPE_ceeOEcItRyy_hI2A8PHUd5lAAhaHwEvl6jaGDqCi1RAxQ7wqnHdA8WIhNcPocL6cOiMccO3Ux9RqtJ4/s1600/team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="205" data-original-width="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaoD0QFEOxuxIjFooDYvvOpOY7czO5EnLq29IotUQIzTM2JrnSySUSkhCzFPE_ceeOEcItRyy_hI2A8PHUd5lAAhaHwEvl6jaGDqCi1RAxQ7wqnHdA8WIhNcPocL6cOiMccO3Ux9RqtJ4/s1600/team.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
The group was
small, consisting typically of 2 facilitators, and about 4 or 5 of us clients.
I immediately felt comfortable with both of the facilitators, one a comically
serious, chatterbox, and the other a down to earth, peaceful, wise mama figure.
Despite the intimacy found in a smaller group, I felt very uncomfortable. Each
session began with a brief check in, which I consistently glossed over, only
sharing how I currently felt that morning, and occasionally suggesting a topic. I totally
avoided acknowledging where I was in my “clean time”, because I didn’t have any; though I was certainly not alone in that. I typically showed up hungover. I began to have a sense of relief in the comfort of being among people
who not only GOT my fucked up ways of being, they too HAD these thoughts,
patterns, behaviors! I listened avidly, absorbing bits of the Smart Recovery tools that they shared, even taking a few worksheets home to "work on". Still, I shared very little about my own journey and
struggles. I was too afraid, and fully immersed in shame and guilt. I felt like
a fraud.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">While I always
felt a sense of peace and acceptance after attending CAB, I still easily, and readily
succumbed to the many excuses I was able to create in order to NOT attend. <i>The
team</i> continued to gently push and encourage me to go, but I still wasn’t ready to commit to myself, to dive into my healing and recovery.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRx6EdfTon2i_Nbrgfd7uf6Q9ylAos0mbbe0wgPPd89QdDHNDQibZiz9eOoCy7oAwdRnmUp9CK1ExNGkWqKRvh9zoE1JG0OF3k5wE38vdVuKJGtgJvXlnubdYiYj-1N41cgjh7iJNVEvA/s1600/team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRx6EdfTon2i_Nbrgfd7uf6Q9ylAos0mbbe0wgPPd89QdDHNDQibZiz9eOoCy7oAwdRnmUp9CK1ExNGkWqKRvh9zoE1JG0OF3k5wE38vdVuKJGtgJvXlnubdYiYj-1N41cgjh7iJNVEvA/s200/team.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I needed to get honest with MYSELF before I could begin to share my truth with anyone else.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The months grew
darker, literally and internally, as we came in to November and December and
the holiday season. My motivation lessened, the Rabbit Hole became a dangerous place
of comfort, and there I set up camp, prepared for, and anticipating the warm blanket
of numbness. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 405.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I stopped going to CAB and fully immersed myself in dangerous
behavior, depression and drunkenness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-42891246325435692672018-09-23T05:46:00.000-07:002018-09-23T09:08:23.527-07:00I Finally Joined The Team<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUy1IZT1Qn_UKuKDqSUHNkxVGHd25QLp78yCySryrolIGMRCe7iiHzHl5AT67JCuvxAOPReWbPOXkFXH7qVBmIcOxIr3wI9xeMh4kx1FVfuhrtNbYGHkdhzzynMCVg0mHOzye2HNIF7UU/s1600/team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUy1IZT1Qn_UKuKDqSUHNkxVGHd25QLp78yCySryrolIGMRCe7iiHzHl5AT67JCuvxAOPReWbPOXkFXH7qVBmIcOxIr3wI9xeMh4kx1FVfuhrtNbYGHkdhzzynMCVg0mHOzye2HNIF7UU/s1600/team.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I have had an amazing and dedicated <i>team</i> of Nurse
Practitioner's and a counselor (along with a few</span><span lang="EN-US"> other wonderful</span><span lang="EN-US"> clinicians and</span><span lang="EN-US"> supporters</span> in the clinic) working with me for about 4 years. I am so full of gratitude for their commitment and belief in me, even when I couldn't find it within myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I initially
began seeing <i>the team</i> after the volatile separation from my husband, for health and safety
concerns and issues</span>, and I believed I was ready for counselling support. I knew that
nothing I’d been doing thus far had been working for me; my life was out of
control, and I didn’t know what to do anymore. I needed to do something different.
I had little faith in counselling and zero interest in anti-depressants, but as
I sought Ativan for my anxiety, <i>the team</i> convinced me to give anti-depressants
another shot as well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Again, nothing stuck, and I quickly fell
back into my usual methods of “coping”, irrational thoughts and behaviors. I
created a new “normal”, immersed myself in others, drinking, and working enough
to cover my ass. I, somehow, managed to home school my daughter, successfully.
We were rarely home, as I preferred the company of my “little village”, the
quiet of the country, the lack of perceived</span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"> </span>expectations and demands, the complete
distraction from my life, and all the things that desperately needed healing
inside of me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The anxiety began to creep out of control
shortly in the month before my friends heart attack, and afterwards, I
instantly fell apart. I had a desperate “need” to be helping and taking care of
others, to have some sense of control, and to distract myself from my thoughts and feelings. I completely sacrificed
myself, my life, my role as mama, the relationship
with my daughter,my physical and mental health… I </span>used up all of my resources and fuel, everything I had in me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">And then there was nothing left to give. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I couldn’t function. I couldn't sleep, but when</span> I did, I suffered from violent and
horrific nightmares revolving around my ex-husband. I had anxiety and panic attacks so intense I
believed, truly, that my heart was going to fail me. There was no medication that
was helping the intense pain, pounding, and racing in my heart. I was sure that my heart was going to explode. I was paranoid about dying, and stopped
taking Tylenol, Advil, and anything for colds or sinuses, convinced they would
give me a heart attack. I started having trouble going anywhere because the panic
and anxiety attacks were too severe. The tears wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t
breathe. My skin crawled, from the inside out. I trembled like a leaf. I couldn’t stop my mind from frantically racing. And
I just couldn’t be around people; which, of course, added more stress to the already
unhealthy dynamics within my relationship with “the boyfriend”.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I had no idea what to, I knew there was no
way I could continue the way that I had been. I needed help.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I went back to the clinic, <i>my team</i>, begging
for help. I was “finally ready” to do whatever it took, "arms wide
open", to deal with everything I needed to. Anything to</span> get “healthy and happy”. I
got on board with finding an anti-depressant, all of the heart tests, breathing
tests, all kinds of tests, beginning to learn about grounding and mindfulness, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and I explored my marijuana
use. Whatever they began to throw at me, I was willing to try.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY0KvsENn9M1wAYdA-M8KfbBZ0sDlokUCdNDhCCfSBW8-pg9kmjaRYQPa07MhdBtLmBvG-8YdLBjnGFIuoWdug1cZYGOPVa_CMR2MR-L6oWj4YCxadGOSk474rDPz_hYrEkMB5SgJzf1U/s1600/team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="143" data-original-width="352" height="130" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY0KvsENn9M1wAYdA-M8KfbBZ0sDlokUCdNDhCCfSBW8-pg9kmjaRYQPa07MhdBtLmBvG-8YdLBjnGFIuoWdug1cZYGOPVa_CMR2MR-L6oWj4YCxadGOSk474rDPz_hYrEkMB5SgJzf1U/s320/team.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Except for one thing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was resisting any conversation about my
relationship with the booze. I had endless excuses and stories to offer instead:
“I quit before, I can do it again”. I was just in a “rut”; I could and would
eventually pull myself out. I just got stuck
in the “routine” of it sometimes. It was a “bad habit”. I'd say I was
"aware" that it was an unhealthy relationship. I was just on the
roller coaster while I slowed down. I'd get the drinking back under control “soon”.
“I’ll think about it.” It was always later, tomorrow, next week, next month; never
RIGHT NOW.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After receiving much prompting from <i>my team</i>, that Summer I started (and graduated) a </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US">Pre-Employment program for women
through the Elizabeth Fry Society. I learned new skills, tested myself strongly
while earning several certifications, and took in a whole lot of, I guess, personal growth?, classes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was feeling
good about myself, remembering my strengths, and confident that I was finally
making some bit of progress. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It had taken about 6 months, but my anxiety began to come down to a manageable level, and I was feeling proud of myself while in the program, but the unhealthy thoughts/behaviors and dependency
on alcohol continued to slip further out of control. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The boyfriend and I struggled, and
continued our tug o’ war dance; but he was also a huge support in many ways. He
helped with my daughter, cooking, other parts of daily life I struggled with,
he was a positive influence regarding my irrational thoughts, getting me out to
nature, out to do things, he often suggested that we have a "tea
night", or plans for a night with no alcohol... But, I became resentful, wanting a
partner in crime, not another person to hinder and question my ways. I began to
feel like the rebel again, pushing back at the perceived sense of authority. I rarely
wanted to do any of the healthy things he suggested, aside from fishing (but,
of course, we usually took a few beers for that) and if he suggested a sober
night, I would laugh and head straight to the liquor store.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The program ended, and aside from <i>the
team</i> and my daughter’s counselor, the only people I saw were my daughter, the
boyfriend, my brother and his girlfriend. I was losing momentum, shutting off and stepping
towards isolation again. A</span>s Summer wound down, I became increasingly nervous, aware of the tendencies I have towards deep depression in the Fall and Winter. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started to consider my relationship with alcohol; remembering the times I had stopped, how I felt, the positive effects, so desperately needed, that would come if I cleaned up... I began to slow down, even going a week or so without a drink. Each time I drank again, I fell deeper into darkness, finding it harder to reach the light. Yet, I was still not willing to consider or discuss QUITTING forever.<br />
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzMffrHOsAta6D_5I_vcnbxnpVdrqFCbNtapuNeqA_Gi6x2TJm5ga1TcbIUgVfX-2TJOp7wEJhqmfSMF44paqaFbWJ85mZXJnpDv8Er0EwPRKNmtNX3lqesbYD8s_119pXo-0XxQeomhM/s1600/team.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzMffrHOsAta6D_5I_vcnbxnpVdrqFCbNtapuNeqA_Gi6x2TJm5ga1TcbIUgVfX-2TJOp7wEJhqmfSMF44paqaFbWJ85mZXJnpDv8Er0EwPRKNmtNX3lqesbYD8s_119pXo-0XxQeomhM/s1600/team.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, my curiosity began to pique when <i>my team</i> gave me information about a group that they thought would be helpful. It wasn't specifically for alcohol, drugs, or gambling, it was for ANY type of addictive, destructive behavior or thought patterns. In my need to keep alcohol out of the scope, I COULD recognize the many other addictive behaviors and patterns that were a problem for me. I was very unsure and afraid. All sorts of crazy thoughts raced through my mind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>The team </i>had successfully planted a seed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I finally agreed to go to CAB (Changing Addictive Behaviors).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-81091119501662095862018-09-21T05:34:00.000-07:002018-09-21T05:34:04.259-07:00Falling Down the Rabbit Hole<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_z9T_TB8eZF9QMW34OQdPF6yfP5IO0MrMpf3089aL7RA0BZK7FwMpXkUzyMa-i4-XuymCTkmr6o2iNO4BpMZKQW7-q32CdyKH_opXadGUuXAPDvkDbUYt0N5gKdN9-Ieb87NwWBvui-E/s1600/rabbit+hole2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="962" data-original-width="1600" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_z9T_TB8eZF9QMW34OQdPF6yfP5IO0MrMpf3089aL7RA0BZK7FwMpXkUzyMa-i4-XuymCTkmr6o2iNO4BpMZKQW7-q32CdyKH_opXadGUuXAPDvkDbUYt0N5gKdN9-Ieb87NwWBvui-E/s320/rabbit+hole2.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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It was around this time last year that I
fell into the “rabbit hole”.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">From very early on, I had never taken the
time to know myself, I didn't learn any of the skills and tools to handle
anything that occurred in my life. I was like a zombie really, just moving
mindlessly through my life. I expected things to be ok, to just work out, get
better... Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be ok, this will all be over, I'll do better,
I'll be better... Tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I have spent my life living on the edge,
moving from one crisis or trauma to the next. There didn't seem to be any
respite, perhaps a glimmer of hope once in a blue moon, but it never lasted. Of
course, without doing any of the work I needed to do, and without an ounce of
self-care, self-love, or self-respect to support any type of healing, it never would. I just carried obliviously
onward, continuously slipping into the rabbit hole, pulling myself a few inches
out, until the next thing happened, when I'd slide back down to the bottom. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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My world as I had known it began to
seriously crumble shortly after moving 5 years ago. After 13 years, the abuse
and violence in my marriage erupted, and I separated from my husband, and promptly
fell headfirst, deep into that rabbit hole. The couple that took my daughter
and I in for a few months after the explosive break up of my marriage became my
best friends; we were a part of each other’s daily lives, despite the healthy and unhealthy dynamics of the relationship between the three of us was. Almost 2 years ago now, I
witnessed the husband, my friend, someone very close to me, and my boss, have a
massive heart attack, and subsequently pass on. After he passed, the house
cleaning, deliveries, other odd jobs, and Administrative/Booking Assistant work that I had been doing with/for
them for 3 years, came to a sudden end. The growing anxiety and realization of
how unhealthy, co-dependent and toxic things were becoming in my life had begun
shortly before he died, and afterwards I promptly fell apart. I had been tending
to the needs of everyone close to me, taking their stuff on as my own, using it
as an unhealthy distraction, and I had used up my resources. I was empty. I had
nothing left for myself, let alone anyone else. Panic and anxiety took over. I had a hard time
leaving my house, breathing, I had severe chest and heart pains, I cried constantly,
I couldn’t sleep, think, function…Out of fear and shame, I clung to the hope/”need”
to continue home schooling my, then 8 year old, daughter. (Perhaps an attempt
to retain some sense of (false) control?) My behaviours and thinking were
completely distorted and irrational. I had no clarity. I was making horrible decisions while, of
course, attempting to rationalize them. I was numbing the pain by drinking more
and more, and at times of the day I never would have before. I was drowning.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">A lifetime of abuse, violence, alcohol dependency,
grief and loss, co-dependency, toxic relationships, taking on the role of the "victim", fucked up, irrational
thinking, every other “major event” or ”defining moment” that I had ever experienced,
buried, avoided, came bursting out, PTSD
and GAD symptoms blew up… My entire life caught up to me. I was collapsing, falling
apart, scared, and out of control. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Image result for amygdala" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQfQkxRQXXm5BNIivlEtw3ll0zs-QHXA71fvL9u0IENCX_Cm3Yk" /></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;">As I have since been learning, I was stuck in the "Fight, Flight, or Freeze" state for nearly my entire life. My amygdala had been running the show, without a break, in overdrive, which was causing a whole slew of other things to occur in my mind and body.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
...my story isn't over yet... ;)</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-35033627866561444642018-09-17T21:08:00.001-07:002018-09-17T21:08:05.887-07:00Recovering My Writing - Healing Through WordsHello again, or maybe for the first time!!<br />
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I've been under construction. Digging deep, and working on myself. Reading and meditation have been where the majority of my time has been spent. The only writing I was doing came in the form of worksheets, answering the questions in the books I was reading, exercises, homework...<br />
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I have been wanting to write. I have been needing to write. Intending to write. Trying to write. Being "encouraged" (pestered!) to write by <a href="http://lindahoye.com/">mom</a>. There were few times I was able to get much out, and my attempt at using a journal just didn't stick. I wanted to get back here, to my blog, and share my stories. I wanted to use my writing, and this platform, to aid in my healing journey, and maybe to help or inspire your own. I attempted to establish a new writing routine. I thought about how to begin again here. I pondered where to begin my story. I just could not seem to bring myself to do it. Nothing came.<br />
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The majority of my focus has been on my healing and recovery, but I've also been working with a Job Coach on my Job Search path. I need to find work again, or go to school; something to generate a sustainable income AND feed my passions.<br />
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I told myself, despite the feedback around me, that the writing would have to wait, the blog would have to wait. I told myself there were more important things to be doing with my time. These thoughts still did nothing to get me moving, feel inspired or motivated.<br />
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The only thing I was really able to see was the work I needed to do on my healing and recovery.<br />
(I am pretty certain most of us know what that tends to looks like...)<br />
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Until now.<br />
I have spent a lot of time in recent weeks in Solitude. Not completely and totally, all alone by myself; I do have a 9 year old daughter, and life just doesn't allow that opportunity! Throughout my life, I have been afraid of solitude, and instead immersed myself in Isolation. This time has been different.<br />
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I have come to the point where all roads, messages and suggestions have come together, with flashing arrows pointing at a sign: FOLLOW YOUR PASSIONS.<br />
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The fire within is roaring, and my gifts are wanting to expand. Writing, photography, rocks/crystals, nature, inspiring others, these are the things screaming to be heard, seen, felt. I NEED to put some time and effort into expressing these parts of me.<br />
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I realize that my story is not over, and so, there really is no specific place to begin in the sharing of it.<br />
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I must begin where I currently sit.<br />
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I must begin here and now.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibgwFjkjirjefgN2fQk7hASuK7DJnI3Hp1g33gE0IbJOClny7qHrA0ehyphenhyphenfgTQV5_4YNjSYSY25s4Oe8FlitzROoc5zadTPYFd4pNaSnPvPm7q5zSLL7IVnvq3XVAnS9MUMLgc5Ul6EFQw/s1600/blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1252" data-original-width="1280" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibgwFjkjirjefgN2fQk7hASuK7DJnI3Hp1g33gE0IbJOClny7qHrA0ehyphenhyphenfgTQV5_4YNjSYSY25s4Oe8FlitzROoc5zadTPYFd4pNaSnPvPm7q5zSLL7IVnvq3XVAnS9MUMLgc5Ul6EFQw/s200/blog.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-59982422992949568862013-10-22T19:44:00.000-07:002013-10-22T19:44:05.503-07:00Always Grateful for My JourneyTo say it has been a long time since I sat down to write would be an understatement. To say everything has been normal, and okay during this time would be a lie.<br />
<br />
The year had already gotten off to a difficult start, so when the opportunity came to go to my niece’s wedding in BC, it was a welcome change of pace that was well looked forward to. We would be seeing family that we hadn’t seen in years, most of whom had yet to meet Makiya, a great-nephew and great-niece that I hadn't seen since birth and the other just a baby, and two great-nieces that I hadn’t yet met; I was excited to see and have some fun with them all.<br />
<br />
The wedding was beautiful, I cried, baby girl danced her heart out, and the time we shared with family was wonderful; it was so great to see Makiya play with her second cousins and have so much fun. The end of the weekend came, and as we are the “on a whim” type of couple/family, we decided to head off to visit with more family, and joined the entourage on a road trip.<br />
<br />
What ended up happening changed our lives.<br />
<br />
I’ve spoken often of transition and change, forward motion, movement… This was like nothing I expected. All hopes, dreams, wishes, future thoughts, all came crashing down upon me at once. I don’t mean that in a negative way at all, ever since I was a kid, I just knew, and said often, “be careful what you wish for, you WILL get it, you just never know WHEN.”<br />
<br />
It was hard to see it all at the time, there was so much to be afraid of, worried and concerned about, and as it happens in these situations, time just seems to disintegrate before you, becoming more and more of an illusion than a reality.<br />
<br />
Slowly, after it was accepted that MAJOR change was happening in our lives, I realized that things were, as they do, happening for a reason. As difficult as it was, I said “OK!”, and hung on, trusting in my journey.<br />
<br />
I had fun, real fun, for the first time since my baby girl was born, ( a different kind of fun than that which comes with being "Mommy"; I got to be myself in other ways) maybe longer, and met some AMAZING new friends, but at the same time, I began to lose precious time and opportunity with my girl; heart breaking, heart wrenching, and partially unavoidable. Routines were unavoidably disrupted, dismantled really, and that may not necessarily have been a bad thing in all areas, but I do have my work cut out for me in getting things back under some sort of control.<br />
<br />
As I come out from beneath part of the fog, I can appreciate certain things for what they have been, necessary pieces of my journey. I still struggle with parts of it all, but I know that I have to go back to the trust, the knowledge, that it is all unfolding exactly as it should, perfectly on time.<br />
<br />
There is a reason for everything, lessons to be learned and shared.<br />
<br />
I am excited, grateful, and thankful for it all.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-44471723034415645812013-04-19T19:29:00.003-07:002013-04-19T19:29:31.416-07:00Differences That Don't Belong or The Truth Behind Our Differences<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Makiya was racing around the play area, trying to find
someone to play with, deciding which piece of equipment to tackle next, pleasantly
occupied, so I wandered back over to my mom and her husband, who was intently
watching a group of kids playing on the spinner. He quickly filled me in on
what he had just witnessed; a little boy, only six or seven years old, nastily,
physically, and roughly pushed two girls to the side as he forced his way onto
the spinner, proclaiming that “the man goes first!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I sputtered, coughed, choked as he relayed the story, and my
attention returned to the boy. What I continued to see stunned me; I felt
sickened.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He seemed to zero in on one little girl in particular, who
was only around the age of three. He would literally charge towards her, like a
bull having spotted a red flag; the cartoon image of smoke streaming from his
ears and flared nostrils flitted through my mind. He pulled her back towards
the spinner, yelling something at her as he shoved her forward, and then tossed
her aside as he again hopped onto the spinner. There was another, older girl,
who tried to intervene, telling him to stop and reminding him of how little
this other child was, but he had no qualms about showering aggression back upon
her. I stood there, doing a little tippy-toe dance as I felt drawn in, needing
to intervene, but then more parents would slide in front, blocking me, only to
move again, giving me access to the situation once again; back and forth, back
and forth, should I say something, should I not… He paced back and forth,
between the two identical spinners, huffing and puffing, “Grrr… the girls get
this one too?!” Finally, there was a threat to tell, and an interest in the
location of his mom, and the boy raced off. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took a few moments to locate the mother, sitting, hidden
behind the climbing bars and slide, chatting away with another mother. It
didn’t take long to realize she wasn’t paying attention to the actions of her
son, and even less time to consider that, even at the young age of six or
seven, it was very possible this little boy left his mother feeling
intimidated, perhaps even scared.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This little boy carried himself with a look upon his face
unlike anything I have seen in a child, or maybe I have, in a horror movie.
Evil came to mind afterwards, harsh, but true. He looked more like an adult
male, a man who had been tortured and tormented, left in a state of rage. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Glad that he hadn’t attempted to unleash any of his
hostility on my own daughter, I tried to distract myself from it, and we soon
left the play area. As we left, we came upon the boy again. He had removed his
shoes and had his feet in the fish ponds; we were in an indoor natural area. He
quickly pulled out of the water as he shouted threats at another, older boy and
went running after him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The whole situation left me feeling very agitated and angry,
and a little judgemental. I spewed off a few things, including that he would
likely spend a lot of time in jail, at an early age. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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What it was in truth, was, and is a very sad situation; that
a child so young could have been shown, taught and lived through enough horror
to leave him in such a state.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
(While there are some details that I have purposely left out, in an attempt not to offend anyone, the roots of this little boys actions and words are buried in his family, their lifestyle and beliefs... While I respect all of our insights, beliefs, ways of life, and the right to them, there are differences that are sometimes shown to be just plain offensive and inappropriate.)</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-39367634589085676522013-03-01T18:50:00.003-08:002013-03-01T18:50:33.878-08:00Life Lessons in Our "Less Than Perfect-Mom" Moments"<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was having one of “those” nights last night. Again.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
There are just so many things not going smoothly in my life,
and aside from feeling worn out from the stress and worry, I am tired of
battling with Ms. Magoo, which in turn makes me question myself, worrying that
I am not doing it all “right” with her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time we got to her bedroom at bedtime I felt ready to
crack. Tears spilled over, and I couldn’t seem to get myself under control for
over half an hour.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, as these things happen, I sat down to check out
Facebook and some blogs that I follow. Great timing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First up was a great read, shared by <a href="http://redwhiteandgrew.com/">Pamela Price</a>, and <a href="https://www.facebook.com/carrotsrorange?fref=ts">Marnie Craycroft</a>, called
“Yeah. I’m THAT mom.” by Amanda Morgan of <a href="http://notjustcute.com/2013/02/28/yeah-im-that-mom/#comment-9999">Not
Just Cute</a>. I almost continued to cry as I read, but realized I was feeling
comforted by Amanda’s words. She reminded me that we are not alone. While we can
<i>try</i> to tell ourselves over again that we are not the only one who makes
mistakes, sometimes we need to actually hear it from another mother to really
get it: we can’t be perfect, do it all and get it right every time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Next, I popped over to a blog I recently discovered, <a href="http://windsoflindy.blogspot.ca/2013/02/as-she-grows.html">Winds of Lindy</a>,
man this girl has a way with words! I read through some of her posts from the
week that I had missed, and again, found myself feeling soothed by Lindy’s <a href="http://windsoflindy.blogspot.ca/2013/02/perfection-isn-there.html">words</a>
as she too spoke of this illusion of perfection that we, as mothers, seem to strive
for.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We can only do the best that we can, and each and every one
of us makes mistakes. That is part of learning and growing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Which is one of the most important things that we can teach
our children: to get up, try again and learn from their mistakes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So instead of beating ourselves up when we have a rough day,
perhaps we should be patting ourselves on the back for a job well done.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Keeping our chin up, doing the best we can and making the
most of it all; those are not really bad things to be teaching our kids are
they?<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-52439648854097441282013-02-24T05:00:00.000-08:002013-02-24T05:00:01.395-08:00Be the Monkey<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
My thoughts are often dominated by my daughter, pondering
what I want her to know, feel, experience and what I don’t. In my mind, for
some of the most important things to stick, to become part of her thoughts and
beliefs, they need to be instilled early on.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is important to me that she never feels embarrassed or
afraid to be herself, and that she feels free to express her thoughts and feelings,
no matter what. I don’t want her to worry about being judged by anyone for any
reason.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In order for her to learn that, I believe that she has to
see it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the most sacred of moments, perfectly timed chances, my
daughter catch me by surprise, as we walk down a busy street, stand on a
crowded train platform or in line at the store, and she invites me into her
magical fantasy world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In these situations,
I could become trapped by thoughts of what people will think, but instead, my
concern is only with what will go through <i>her</i>
mind, what she will take away from the moment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I joyfully dive in, full of pride and a sense of freedom; I
become the monkey swinging from trees, the wolf howling at the moon, the
performer belting out some wacky song, with moves to go along with it, whatever
creature or character I am directed to be, I become. I join her in that
wondrous place between imagination and reality, where anything and everything
is possible.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the moment calls for monster that chases and captures
children for dinner, or a hungry, roaring lion to feed its hissing snake baby,
or a twinkly, spinning dance across the sidewalk, count me in.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I see her face light up with delight and admiration, I
am satisfied on so many levels, knowing that in that one moment, she received a
lifetime of positive lessons and memories.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so did I.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-12668394758061839562013-02-23T05:00:00.000-08:002013-02-23T05:00:07.152-08:00Quit Waiting - Just Do It!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever spent time waiting for the “right time”, or
thinking, “if it is meant to be, then it will be”?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I have. Truthfully, I realize that I have lost a lot
of time lingering in this place of waiting.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is never a “right time”, as perfectly formed as it
exists within the mind’s eye. And, for something to BE, that would involve
putting forth the effort to make it so.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One could spend their entire life waiting on one flawless moment,
or for the timing to be ideal for another person, and ultimately never
accomplish the things they hope and dream to. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If it is the right thing for you, then the time is NOW. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everything else will fall into place exactly as it should.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Life will absorb the rest; the people, the circumstances,
the money, the time, it will all respond as is intended.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If there is something you want, go out there and get it! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The time will never be more perfect than it is now.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1579428337312019684.post-4154187117366888932013-02-12T18:51:00.000-08:002013-02-12T18:51:29.659-08:00Day of the Grumpy Bitch<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
No beating around the bush on this one; I was a grumpy bitch
today.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Why?” and “What’s wrong?” were certainly not the questions
I wanted to answer. I am sure the loud, high pitched response, “What isn’t
wrong?!” wasn’t the desired answer to the questions either.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t just one thing, it was several things weighing
heavily on the mind, and that damn Tupperware lid that ceased to appear was
just icing on the whole disgusting cake.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s definitely been one of those days where the crazy just
keeps piling up, and, there was no relief to be found for the tight looking,
screwed up face with eyes that could kill if you look too deeply into them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the day finally begins to wind down, the tears begin to
fall.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Regret at wasting a day being stuck in such a dark place,
not finding (enough) time to laugh and giggle with my girl and allowing anger,
sarcasm and impatience to rule instead.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, it was what it was. No changing that now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did what I could, and that’s that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tomorrow is a new day.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bring on the beautiful, fresh new day. Let the sun shine
brightly and the laughter flow freely. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t wait.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17613461602324493218noreply@blogger.com0