Always Grateful for My Journey

To say it has been a long time since I sat down to write would be an understatement. To say everything has been normal, and okay during this time would be a lie.

The year had already gotten off to a difficult start, so when the opportunity came to go to my niece’s wedding in BC, it was a welcome change of pace that was well looked forward to. We would be seeing family that we hadn’t seen in years, most of whom had yet to meet Makiya, a great-nephew and great-niece that I hadn't seen since birth and the other just a baby, and two great-nieces that I hadn’t yet met; I was excited to see and have some fun with them all.

The wedding was beautiful, I cried, baby girl danced her heart out, and the time we shared with family was wonderful; it was so great to see Makiya play with her second cousins and have so much fun. The end of the weekend came, and as we are the “on a whim” type of couple/family, we decided to head off to visit with more family, and joined the entourage on a road trip.

What ended up happening changed our lives.

I’ve spoken often of transition and change, forward motion, movement… This was like nothing I expected. All hopes, dreams, wishes, future thoughts, all came crashing down upon me at once. I don’t mean that in a negative way at all, ever since I was a kid, I just knew, and said often, “be careful what you wish for, you WILL get it, you just never know WHEN.”

It was hard to see it all at the time, there was so much to be afraid of, worried and concerned about, and as it happens in these situations, time just seems to disintegrate before you, becoming more and more of an illusion than a reality.

Slowly, after it was accepted that MAJOR change was happening in our lives, I realized that things were, as they do, happening for a reason. As difficult as it was, I said “OK!”, and hung on, trusting in my journey.

I had fun, real fun, for the first time since my baby girl was born, ( a different kind of fun than that which comes with being "Mommy"; I got to be myself in other ways) maybe longer, and met some AMAZING new friends, but at the same time, I began to lose precious time and opportunity with my girl; heart breaking, heart wrenching, and partially unavoidable. Routines were unavoidably disrupted, dismantled really, and that may not necessarily have been a bad thing in all areas, but I do have my work cut out for me in getting things back under some sort of control.

As I come out from beneath part of the fog, I can appreciate certain things for what they have been, necessary pieces of my journey. I still struggle with parts of it all, but I know that I have to go back to the trust, the knowledge, that it is all unfolding exactly as it should, perfectly on time.

There is a reason for everything, lessons to be learned and shared.

I am excited, grateful, and thankful for it all.

A Long Overdue Thank You

For the past couple of years I have been allowing myself to feel angry with someone who had previously meant the world to me.

 I was angry because I felt that she had changed, and as my feelings grew a little stronger, I also suddenly had open ears for whatever anyone else had to negatively say about her. I allowed myself to become stuck in a place of anger, distaste and regret, when it came to her.

Something I heard the other day stuck out, like a message kind of hitting me over the head, and it told me it was time to really look at this situation, and clearly.

Whatever happened in her life, before or after our special time, is of no matter. Most importantly, it is of no matter to what our relationship meant to me.

What IS important was the role that she played in my life back then, what she was able to give me and show me about myself. The closeness that we shared gave me so much; taught me, allowed me to be me, and gave me warmth and comfort when I most needed it. She was the one I ran to, escaped to, when my world felt like it was crashing down around me. She was, what I felt at the time, the sole provider of unconditional love and support in my life.

It comes down to that whole thing about judging other people, and who am I to do that to her after all she offered to me?

As I have pondered this over the past few days, it has made me feel a little ashamed, and sad. While I may not have been the one to “change” our relationship, neither was she really. She grew and I grew, we just happened to grow apart; sad as that is.

I miss the closeness that we shared, the ability to openly and freely express exactly how I was feeling, the fun that we had together.

But, perhaps, the teacher’s job was done. The time that was needed between us passed, she was needed elsewhere, and I had to move forward in my own life of learning and teaching others.

Instead of grieving what had felt like and seemed to have been lost, instead of feeling angry and betrayed, I should have simply celebrated the role that she played in my young life. I should have been remembering to keep gratitude in my heart for all that she gave to me.

And so, for now, while I likely won’t be able to bring myself to actually say all of this to her directly, I still want to acknowledge it, say it aloud, put it out there, back into the universe and all of our energies…

Thank you. Thank you for being that special person in my life, the lifeline that, truly, kept me alive. Thank you for being understanding, non-judgemental, and, loving. Thank you for being there when nobody else seemed to think I was worth it. Thank you for believing in me, when no one else seemed able to. Thank you for letting me be who I needed to be then, for it has made me who I am today. Thank you. And, I love you.

The First Part of Learning the "Truth"

It had been a long time since I had felt feelings similar to those I felt as I entered the waiting room during Makiya’s first Music Class. In that moment I walked in, the last of the moms to enter the room, I was instantly transported back into my youth. I felt their eyes on me and a rush of memory and discomfort washed over me.

I felt like the outsider of an exclusive club.

Although intellectually I know that I am no longer “young”, my mind and soul feel much to the contrary. Sitting among those women, mothers, I felt like a little girl and one coming from a far different world than they. I imagined them looking me up and down, taking in my hair, outfit, shoes and purse, and my mind filled in many blanks as to where their thoughts went from there. I felt judged and looked down upon; I felt less than I thought they appeared to be.

I, of course, realized how silly I was being, but the rationale wasn’t enough to wash away my insecurities. In that half hour, as I sat waiting for Makiya’s class to end, many forgotten feelings came back to me, and I thought that I had an epiphany. I thought I had put a name to the missing piece of the puzzle about myself. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this was just the beginning of a serious revelation about my life and where I am right now.

My mind strolled backwards, remembering the different times in my life, the many faces I have worn and the circumstances that surrounded me during those times. I have bounced between being the “wall flower” and the “social butterfly”, swinging back and forth. I have spent seasons preferring the company of myself to the energy sapping game of socialization, and then, there were times that the mere thought of spending another moment alone would bring on an anxiety attack.  I wondered what the difference really was; how is it that I have been able to pull off BOTH persona’s and, yet, not truly feel at home in either?

It was obviously necessary, whichever mask I chose, to be who I needed to be in that time, but why? Was my personality a response to circumstance or were the situations dictated by the current role I was playing?

I suppose it was both.

Then, I got to wondering what had brought me back into being the “wall flower” I currently am… and I thought I finally got it.

I decided that past actions, undesirable ones, were keeping me clammed up. I told myself that because I wasn’t proud of what I had done, years ago, I was afraid to chat, make small talk, introduce myself to others, because I didn’t want them to know about my mistake or to judge me for it.

THAT I claimed as my truth.

A week later, after struggling to write through what I had felt that day, I began a conversation with a very insightful woman about it all. Even as I began to let the words spill out, I knew how ridiculous of an excuse it was; pretending that I was afraid of being judged for a past mistake! That’s all it was, another feeble attempt to ignore the truth. So, when she, unwittingly, called me out on it, putting a name to what it really was, I wasn’t fully surprised. But the name, the truth of what I was feeling, wasn’t what I expected either. 

Suddenly, it was glaringly visible, and I was instantly frozen by fear when I recognized what I was really dealing with.

It now made sense WHY I was having such a hard time writing the piece on discovering a new truth; it wasn’t true either.

Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.


It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

Lessons in Gratitude?

“Cream of the crop” is a phrase I have heard repeated often during this past month.

I have listened to the words and rolled them repeatedly around my mouth and my mind. I have had a difficult time allowing them to register within me. They feel tainted by arrogance and smugness in many ways. If I step back, really take several paces backwards, I can see the words spelling out something far greater, something reserved for an elite part of society. Isn’t that funny?

My mind ponders the reality that each and every one of us will process the same situation in an entirely different light; none of us will truly ever experience the same moment in the same way as the person next to us. It doesn’t matter who that person beside us is.

So if we are to live a moment completely separate from those close to us, how is it possible to place judgments or condemnation upon them for their actions in the face of what lies before us? We cannot possibly fully comprehend that place from which their emotions and responses are born, not being immersed inside their mind ourselves, so how can we pretend to understand their actions?

However, there are some basic, hmm, I don’t know, courtesies, respects, LOVE that would and should come with these other things that may arise. Wouldn’t we think?

This month has reached peak levels in so many different places in my life, and instead of feeling more bonded, with anyone, I feel much more separate and alone. My eyes have opened wider, and sadly, parts of what, amazingly, still remained of my innocence, have been lost.

I feel far from what I imagine the phrase “Cream of the crop” to entail.

Somewhere, at the moment buried deeply, I can hear, and almost see other words calling out to me; “You ARE where you should be at this time. You ARE strong enough and you WILL make it through this time. Exactly on time, as you are intended to.”

In the end, it really doesn’t matter how the others respond. It matters how I respond. How I learn and grow from what these experiences are teaching me.

I guess what I need to do is take a standpoint of Gratitude. I need to appreciate that which has been placed on my path, for it has all been lessons offered. I only need to accept the gift.

Action MUST Be Required...

Oh my goodness.

My heart is racing, I feel like I am vibrating and I did shed a few tears.

Given horrifying news that leaves me desperate to act and yet asked to not repeat a word.

Pride (and relief) in a strong, courageous, brave and ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY decision.

Utter shock and disgust.

Total understanding, relation and empathy; but impelled to confront in one way or another.

A new role, new issues and concerns; more responsibility, deeper thinking and inevitably I suppose, more heartache, worry and desire to protect.

If I allow this to remain inside much longer, I may actually explode!

If I act upon my instincts, chaos will certainly erupt.

Several possible avenues of action to take; depending on one’s own filter, the answer may be obvious. Silence (in the hopes it really will NEVER happen again), physical retaliation (a desperate, in-grained, protective, adrenaline rush, eye-for-an-eye punishment) or perhaps even a phone call to the cops (almost never the preferred action, but one wonders…maybe this time it SHOULD happen…).

Asked NOT to speak to my best friend, my “confidante”, my partner, lover and husband; the one that every inch, every fiber of my being is calling out for me to turn to. Isn’t that a sign in itself? I actually pride myself on not being ABLE to hide things (ok, confusing women, mental issues aside!) from my husband; I tell him EVERYTHING! In confidence, non-life threatening things said to me are one thing, but when there is a serious twist to it, young and un-informed, uneducated and innocent to the SERIOUS things in life…even with the promise that there will be no opportunity, no option for these events to occur again… I KNOW what can happen inside of our minds. I KNOW the excuses we can be given, the apologies and promises.

Mmmmmppphhhh (inhale) ….hhhhhhhhmmmmpppphhh (exhale) ….

I really need to sit with this one for a short time, and I think re-visit the conversation before ultimately deciding to open my mouth and let the words pour out…

Comfort, Learn or Teach...?

An old friend, someone who I have mostly lost contact with, but still care about a great deal, seems to be going through a difficult time.

Her statements on Facebook surprise me, and yet echo within. She is vague, but I can only assume that she is speaking of serious issues within her marriage. She received a lot of feedback; leaving her to delete the whole post, re-word and add that some people should keep their opinions to themselves.

This girl was a very close friend many years ago, and sadly, we lost touch for about 14 years. Although we have both expressed desire to see each other and reconnect, we haven’t. So, what I now know about her is formed from pictures and statements via Facebook, or assumed/deemed to be in my mind. That being said, my opinion literally would mean nothing.

Instead, I feel as though my fears were correct. I remember my friend, and the amazing person that she was. I remember her strength and courage, her humor and early wisdom. I also recall the similarities we had in our taste in men; and I know that means difficult days kept silent until you explode.

I think I know from what I see/read, without actually knowing, that she is that same woman today. I imagine, that as it was then, we are still very much the same in some of our hopes/dreams/expectations. I wish we were closer, and yet am afraid of pushing too hard. I sent her a private message, reminding her that I was here for her and hoped she was ok, but haven’t heard back. I feel inside myself that I should be there for her, that I have the silence as well as the empathy to comfort and guide her gently; in her own time and way of course. I don’t know why I feel compelled to be there for her now. She obviously needs her own space to sort out whatever it is that is happening in her life right now; and yet, I feel I have SOMETHING to offer her!?! As it was then, our similar experiences gave us something to relate to with each other; knowing someone else had truly walked that same road. Now, I know our paths since then have been VERY different, and yet, I sense that they have also been very similar.

I think that I may be starting to LOOK deeper into many “relationships” from my past lately. Necessary or not? If I feel the urge to pause and turn around for a moment, I can only assume that is on purpose; I am required to gain something that I missed in the past.

Stepping into the Past to find Gratitude

I was on Facebook the other night and a photo album of a friend caught my eye; more accurately, a vehicle I recognized captured my attention. It was an old photo, taken 16 years ago, and yet instantly I was taken back, fully. The emotions of the time; the people that were involved and the timing of the photograph made my heart race as though I was 16 again!

These were pictures of people that were in my “circle”. The pictures were taken at a time when a “friend” that was a few years younger than myself set her sights on a guy that I was off and on involved with. This obviously presented a problem for the 3 of us and in the end they decided to proceed together, and I walked away from them both. So, these pictures captured for me what I had already only imagined and created images of in my mind. They had gone on a camping trip, one that at the time I felt was supposed to include me. I laughed to myself as I looked deeply into the young faces that stared back at me. Some of us were just as I imagine/know we still are today, and others, such as the “friend”, looked like babies. I thought of the range in ages of the people in the group, and I thought of our lives at that time; the things that kept us all together, what drew us to each other.

Then I looked down at the comments on one of the photos. There was comical interest in recognizing the un-named faces and then the tone changed to that of sadness. Someone commented that seeing the pictures made them feel sad, and they added a question; did they hear about a friend that was connected to everyone, but not actually in the picture? Comments end there.

The person referred to was my first boyfriend; the tie that brought me to most of these people in the beginning. In complete honesty, my heart lifted slightly as my heart raced and my mind asked “Is he dead?!” as I read the question. I wanted more, I wanted to know the details of the conversation that ensued. It piqued my interest and I wanted to comment back, “No?! What happened?!” I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t (as of yet…?!) even ask anyone else that would likely know or be able to find out!

I talked to my best friend yesterday, itching to tell her about my finding, and when I did, her response was the same as my own; only she verbalized what I only said in my mind! She proceeded to encourage me to enquire within the larger circle of “old” Facebook friends that I have.

This guy in question; he, for me to vaguely say, had serious issues at the young age that we met him at. He was only 17 then, but already had severe family issues that he was the perpetrator of, although I didn’t find out these details until near the end of our relationship. He was in a foster home and didn’t have much, if any contact, with most of his family. To be blunt and to the point, I will say that aside from the anger, control issues, insecurities and many other things, he had an appetite for young, inexperienced girls. He worked his way from me, to, secretively, my best friend and her younger sister, with another of my younger friends in between! Without further details, I will only say that he was a sick little puppy in those early days of his life.

A part of me feels sheepish as I write; as I confess to such a dark response inside of me. We aren’t supposed to wish ill upon anyone, and certainly not with such finality. It’s not that I actually WISH that he was dead, although, again, I will admit I have had those thoughts in the past. It is more a feeling of relief that he would not be out in the world continuing to have seriously negative impacts on the lives of those around him.

I find myself being captured by the strangest things these days; things from my past seem to come up, begging for attention. Obviously a whisper in the ear that there are details requiring re-examination; as I grow, I need to look a little deeper for the lessons that were there for me to learn. Sometimes, 16 years later is the perfect time to finally “get it” in some cases?!

This time, for reasons that I still explore, I received three nudges in the same moment; three people with meaning came back for a visit and I need to know why. What in my life right now calls for the guidance of the experiences that I lived with these people back then?

Trust; I learned many things about both sides of trust from these three.

Strength; individually, I was forced to learn different things from the them.

Acceptability; as I sit here now, I can see many facets of this that I faced with these individuals. What is and is not acceptable in my life. I also learned about what makes a person “acceptable” or “unacceptable” in the eyes of certain types of people.

Doing wrong to another that is close to you; Ha! With the people in common, where would I begin on the things that I was taught?! How easy it is for some people; they either don’t truly care or they are so blinded by things in their life that they can only operate in ways that fill THEIR own personal “need” in a given circumstance.

I sat explaining my feelings, or considerations, on this subject to my husband last night, and I was relieved to discover that he related to what I had to say. It didn’t seem strange to him that my thoughts were swirling upon the finding of these photos and the heavy/confusing comments that were involved. In some ways, he made me feel more justified in my curiosities; as though I didn’t have the right before?!

While I still have some work to do to understand it all, I will offer gratitude to the universe for these people; the lessons they taught me then and the things that I seem to have to learn from them now.

Day #5 – Gratitude Journaling

At the moment, I am full of negative energy. Throughout the day, I have constantly thought of and been given reminders of noting the things that I am grateful of, but tonight, a simple phone call slammed me into a brick wall. I will only say that, anticipated holiday visits could possibly be impacted, and I am blown away. It is now late, and my hubby is dying to get to bed (yes, we typically go together!), but I insisted that in order for me to try to push my way through these dark feelings, I get to something positive; the light and warmth that will come with my recognizing the GOOD of the day.

1. I am grateful that we made it to the mall on time for Santa pictures tonight. Ahh, a whole other post! Our girl is amazing and BEAUTIFUL!! She did so well with her visit to Santa, so friendly and accepting.

2. Gratitude and appreciation fall slightly away, as I search for a stronger word…We are FINALLY going to see my step-daughter tomorrow!! Thankful, thankful, thankful…

3. I am appreciative of the wonderful dinner that I anticipated cooking, but my hubby took over and completed, deliciously!

4. It was warm’ish today…of course, I didn’t really experience it until later in the afternoon, but I wasn’t BUNDLED up layer upon layer!!

5. While I am NOWHERE near where I hoped to be as far as preparations for Christmas, I am OK with that. I know that as long as everyone is healthy and together, that is all that matters most; the rest would only be a bonus.

My Heart Breaks

I am a stay at home mom and literally spend all of my time with my daughter. Because I take this time with her, I know her little quirks, gestures, signs, words and attempts at words. While it is a constant learning process, for us both, for the most part I do understand her. I know that she is a little creature of habit, continuity and routine. I know that she likes things in their place, and can sometimes be distracted by something that is off. I know that after I read her “lullaby book” (in the dark!!), I must also read the description on the BACK of the book; after our goodnights, she has her special corner of her blanket in hand and is then covered, head to toe, by two other blankets. I know the little things that make my baby girl tick.

The other day it really hit me, these things I KNOW about my child.

I thought of the babies and children that are suddenly torn from their mothers, fathers or other “primary caregiver”. The complete devastation that must manifest inside these little beings as their world is ripped away from them in an instant. All of a sudden there is not ONE single person that understands their cry, their language or their routines. No one KNOWS them or understands who they are! They are, for whatever reason, taken away from the only truths, comforts and communication that they have ever known and been thrown into a foreign place. Their entire life, world and sense of self must obviously crumble before their innocent and uncomprehending little eyes.

It broke my heart as I thought of it then, and every day since. I see something on television, read something, or as I interact with my daughter, and I am taken back to this sad realization. Every day, there are so many little ones that have their lives torn apart!

It tears at my heart and makes me so grateful for the time I have with my baby girl. We are lucky, and I try to remind myself of that simple fact every day. I try to drink it all in, savor it and enjoy every minute, exactly as it is. I cannot imagine not having her in my life every day, and I can’t even fathom the confusion that would fill my little girls head if something were to take me away from her!

My heart goes out to those who have grown up to know these truths in the core of their souls, and to the precious other little ones that are right now facing this heartbreaking, life changing disturbance (? Understatement!) in their world.



Learning to Appreciate My Life Experiences

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have learned through the years to accept and have gratitude for the steps I took as a kid. My path was rocky and full of twists and turns. I took difficult circumstances and turned them into overwhelming disaster. Figuratively and literally; I was dramatic. I insisted on learning truths on my own, accepting that I would face consequence without REALLY knowing how seriously devastating that could be. I wanted to experience EVERYTHING; from this side and that, right side up and upside down, inside and out. I chose to open doors and walk through, even though I knew what I was about to embark on may have been morally and personally WRONG. I numbed myself in every imaginable way; that was the only way to get up and look in the mirror some days. I turned myself off and “decided” that I really didn’t care anyways.

“Curiousity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind.” – Samuel Johnson 1751

I had younger friends who were taken in by the stories I had to tell; even some of the older friends, family and even one of my (too young) counselors all seemed to be (of course shocked and amazed) mesmerized, in a sense, with the things I had to share. There was an air of excitement that seemed to be given to the tales of my mis-adventures! I had an audience that wanted more; I was doing things that were taboo and, we all know how as human beings we LOVE to know more about what others are doing, ESPECIALLY when it’s of the dangerous/naughty nature! As much as they were interested in the goings on of my life, I too was curious; I HAD to know how the “Other Side” lived and why they did what they did. I couldn’t settle for what was expected, required or demanded; I needed to know and feel more than that.

“No one can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.” – Hawthorne

It wasn’t ME though. I was playing a part; I had taken on a ROLE with my entire heart, soul and body. I KNEW that the majority of my actions were not coming from my authentic self and I knew that I was the one DOING these things; yet I couldn’t seem to find my way out of the tumbleweeds. I, of course, got tired and worn out; pretending takes more of a toll on a person than when they are coming from a genuine place. I knew that I couldn’t continue down the road I was on.

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” – Carlos Castaneda

I was very “depressed” in those days and could NEVER seem to “see the light at the end of the tunnel.” All of the things that I had wanted and tried to think, believe and feel weren’t “working” for me and I began to doubt it ALL. Finally, I began to see that I WAS and COULD BE so much greater than the things I was doing.

“Doubt is often the beginning of wisdom.” – Dr. M. Scott Peck

Although it has taken many years, and, in many ways I am still working on it, I slowly began to see the experiences that I lived through as lessons. I began to appreciate the moments in time for what they truly were; gifts of understanding and knowledge. As I get back to my writing, I find myself examining things on a much deeper level and am finding new perspectives and appreciations in every place that I look. Everything that I have gone through has brought me to the place I am now at in my life, which means that I have a lot to be thankful for. I KNOW how much I have grown and can now, honestly, begin to attribute that to some of the hard times and the people that I used to think deserved not a second thought. I DO NOT regret a single moment.
I sometimes don’t understand why I do what I do in the moment; the choices I make confuse and stun even me at times. At the end of the day, it all makes perfect sense.

Be a BIG Girl/Boy - Quit Lying!!

Lies. How do you recognize when someone is lying to you? Can you tell?

Most times you just KNOW. Some of us know how to read body language well enough to pick up the signals, the involuntary body reactions. Maybe you find out later from someone else. Maybe you overhear the liar in conversation to another. Perhaps they stumble and you catch them in their lie. We usually have an intense physical reaction to their energy; whether we choose to listen is another story.

“Oh, what a tangled we weave when first we practice to deceive.” – Sir Walter Scott

I have never thought myself to be a good liar. Sure, the rebellious teenager learns to do it fairly well, and we all tell those little ones; “I’m good”, “I’m so happy”, “Oh, I can’t today” etc., but beyond that I never was very good at it. I know before I even try; my face must be burning, I must be shaking, my eyes must be looking in that direction (the one that gives you away, I can’t remember if it’s left or right, but I know it’s up and…!!). It is just not something I have ever been good at and something that as I have grown, realized is just harmful, to myself as well as the person involved. It is a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

Some people just cannot seem to avoid lying. They open their mouths, and oops, another lie! They forget the lie they told before; they’ve told so many that they have a hard time keeping the story straight. Evidently it doesn’t matter who it is that they lie to, it’s a part of who they seem to be.

There are times when we know this person and we KNOW they are a liar. We find ourselves tangled in their web of deception. We don’t want to be there, but we’ve been woven into it. We call them on it occasionally, but it’s either “not true” or “ok, what of it?”. In response; we shake our head, we tell ourselves that we won’t believe a word next time, or we pretend that we didn’t notice.

Every lie told deprives someone of a truth that they have the RIGHT to. No single person truly has the right to deny another of knowledge about that which may have direct impact on them. “For every action, there is a reaction.” (I guess we all say that one, not sure the origin though…) We respond to what we are told; to not have the full truth to work from is certainly not a fair option to impose on another. While it may seem like such a minute thing to do in the moment, the after effects of a single lie can be truly devastating to another. That lie can cause an avalanche within a sensitive, or scarred, or even a completely honest person. It can send them down a path they have no clue how to navigate; a road they did not and never wanted to go down.

Sometimes it is very true that the truth hurts. If that truth WOULD cause me pain, I would still absolutely prefer to have known from the earliest point in time. I would prefer to have FULL knowledge about ANY THING that I am embarking on. I don’t think it is fair to deprive someone of the response they would naturally have given to a certain circumstance; especially if that response is feared by the liar. The liar has the responsibility to own up to their actions; they DO NOT have the right to hide something because they don’t want to deal with the effects of what they have or have not done.

To the LIARS: STOP IT!! Quit ruining others lives, breaking others trust/belief, taking the fire from the moment and stealing others time! Tell the truth and take the consequences that are deserved and earned like a BIG girl/boy!!

Still talking...

As I opened my Facebook this morning, I was expecting it, and yet it still took me back to see yet another message from the ex. This was a long one.

I just cannot seem to wrap my head around the logic, or lack of, behind these messages, this sudden contact. Was I supposed to be happy? Is it really imagined that I may wish to be in contact? Are the updates meant to make me nostalgic, are they intended to pull heartstrings? Do they believe that I should be sad for them, offer comfort?

I am left with a heavy feeling inside of me. Yesterday felt strange, but I wasn’t as bothered as I find myself today. It confuses me… None of this matters, I am certainly not missing them in any way, I am more than happy with my life, I love my husband. I have never held any regrets in my decision to leave this person, in fact, I have not thought of our past relationship in almost as many years as it has been over! So why the darkness and irritation?!

There is a louder voice inside today that urges me to respond. I just want to be so clear, and verbalize how inappropriate I think this is. I am afraid the point would be missed and it would re-open that door. It would be taken as an opportunity to communicate.

Just as it was then, am I supposed to be pulled into a dramatic head game? This person feels the need to make an attempt at having me actually believe that they have learned, grown, realize the errors… Yet it feels eerily familiar. I walked this road years ago, and am not going there again!

I suppose it is possible that I am being overly sensitive. There is always the possibility that this person innocently wants to say hi and catch up. The small chance exists that they are only trying to ease any ill feelings that may be.

It just feels like more, and it bothers that me that they would have the audacity to try to come back into my life!

I believe things happen for a reason, we go through situations, people come and go, and it all has a purpose behind it. This one is a dark mystery. I thought all things I needed to learn/teach with that person, had been done, a long time ago.

Not quite sure how to deal with this one quite yet.

Voices from the past

As I sit here soaking in the warmth from the sun, my mind is swirling. I was taken by surprise, like heart racing, heart in stomach, breath momentarily taken…SURPRISE!! A Facebook Friend Request like none other. A request from my ex-boyfriend/fiancé. Along with that, a message that just made me feel…well, in the end, after processing and accepting it for what it is, I guess I could say relieved. I am relieved that I moved on and so proud of myself for making that choice 9 years ago.


Without digging through past drama, I will only say that exes are just that, for a reason. We move on, we go forward because there is no longer a place in our life for that person. Truly, in a lot of cases, there is no longer space inside our hearts or minds for them.

Perhaps we ended the relationship, maybe it was the other who left us behind. It may even have been a mutual decision to part ways. There may have been serious issues, drugs, alcohol, abuse. Maybe there were other things that got in the way like finances, cheating or lack of communication. Something got in the way that made it impossible to move forward with that person.

Sometimes we think of these people, these past “loves”. We remember good times and laughs. There are maybe memories of terrible fights and tears.

If we are lucky, we have a memory or two of a love that was perfect for that time in our life, an interaction in time that was meant to be. Just as it was, never anything more. To go a little deeper, hopefully there are also those times that come to us as a lesson learned. In whatever shape or form that may be, a person with whom we experienced life changing events that forced us to grow and learn. Unfortunatley, there are often others that were just plain mistakes. We really would rather not have been there, much less take a trip down memory lane with them by our side. They are times best left forgotten.

As I sit here, the things I thought I knew about that past relationship are cemented inside of me, and at the same time, fully released from inside of me. I don’t look back and become enveloped with happy memories. I don’t want to look back and recall the difficult times that were experienced. I don’t look back period.

If I really press myself, really put effort into it, what comes to me is a time when I began to grow up. This was a time when through so many different circumstances, I truly started the process of knowing myself. It was when I formed the work ethics that I am now proud of within myself. It is when I met some amazing people in a little town and spent some of the best times of my life.

However, all of the realizations and memories don’t take me back to him. He was there, but really, even back then, he wasn’t a part of the life I was living and starting. I suppose he never really was a part of me.

While I would like to say that I cannot understand how, after so much time has passed, there could still be feelings or heartache or regret… I do get it, and especially from this person. It is a drama full of emotions and feelings that I truly have no desire to wade through.

There is a small piece of something inside me that wants to reply to the message. I would like only to simply state that which after all these years should already be understood.

The rational voice inside warns me to stay away. Who am I to try to impart any form of wisdom, relief or whatever else that is trying to come through?

In any situation I face, I think of my husband. I think of what he would feel or think about my choice of action. I think of the situation reversed, how would I think or feel about his possible path of action? In the end, if I am not sure, I discuss it with him. I called him when I received this message, and he was as shocked as I. I am curious to know, would he agree it’s best to leave it alone, or would he prefer for me to stand up and verbalize the inappropriate contact?

I am still a little shocked, and just not sure what to do with this. I wish in the end I could simply say that the easiest and wisest thing to do would be nothing at all, though I can't seem to accept that quite yet...