Recovering My Writing - Healing Through Words

Hello again, or maybe for the first time!!

I've been under construction. Digging deep, and working on myself. Reading and meditation have been where the majority of my time has been spent. The only writing I was doing came in the form of worksheets, answering the questions in the books I was reading, exercises, homework...

I  have been wanting to write. I have been needing to write. Intending to write. Trying to write. Being "encouraged" (pestered!) to write by mom. There were few times I was able to get much out, and my attempt at using a journal just didn't stick. I wanted to get back here, to my blog, and share my stories. I wanted to use my writing, and this platform, to aid in my healing journey, and maybe to help or inspire your own. I attempted to establish a new writing routine. I thought about how to begin again here. I pondered where to begin my story. I just could not seem to bring myself to do it. Nothing came.


The majority of my focus has been on my healing and recovery, but I've also been working with a Job Coach on my Job Search path. I need to find work again, or go to school; something to generate a sustainable income AND feed my passions.

I told myself, despite the feedback around me, that the writing would have to wait, the blog would have to wait. I told myself there were more important things to be doing with my time. These thoughts still did nothing to get me moving, feel inspired or motivated.

The only thing I was really able to see was the work I needed to do on my healing and recovery.
(I am pretty certain most of us know what that tends to looks like...)

Photo

Until now.
I have spent a lot of time in recent weeks in Solitude. Not completely and totally, all alone by myself; I do have a 9 year old daughter, and life just doesn't allow that opportunity! Throughout my life, I have been afraid of solitude, and instead immersed myself in Isolation. This time has been different.

I have come to the point where all roads, messages and suggestions have come together, with flashing arrows pointing at a sign: FOLLOW YOUR PASSIONS.

The fire within is roaring, and my gifts are wanting to expand. Writing, photography, rocks/crystals, nature, inspiring others, these are the things screaming to be heard, seen, felt. I NEED to put some time and effort into expressing these parts of me.

I realize that my story is not over, and so, there really is no specific place to begin in the sharing of it.

I must begin where I currently sit.

I must begin here and now.

Be Careful What You Wish For – It Will Be Yours to Have

I remember as a teenager “realizing” that I had the ability to “make things happen”. I also quickly understood that with that power came the need to remember an old saying “Be careful what you wish for.”, and I added “Because it WILL come true.”

We know that our thoughts and words hold the power in our lives, and that what we send out there always comes back to us. Perhaps just not always exactly WHEN we ask for it.

Years down the road, there are times that we may find ourselves confused about how or why we got to the place we currently are; the simple answer is because we asked for it to be that way.

I have caught myself a few times suddenly realizing, caught in an AHA moment, where it comes flooding back to me; that wish or desire that I expressed so long ago has FINALLY come to be.

Not always when, and certainly not exactly how we imagined it, but the essence of it still there.

*note to self-ALWAYS be very clear and detailed when asking the universe for something!*

I’ve always remembered that moment when I really understood that I did have this power in my life, but I have forgotten that it is mine to use.

I have the power to create the life, every beautiful little piece, that I truly want.

Did You Know I Was Thinking About You?

My mind strolls around the strangest things sometimes.

Over the years, I have, at certain times, typically times where I was on the brink of turning the page onto a new chapter in my life, pondered over the power of our thoughts. The things that our minds consistently focus on certainly do become our reality, but to what exact extent does that span?

I have experienced, several times, the pattern of first thinking about something or someone, and then having that thought stream into my dreams, or even become something more tangible, be it a line in a book that I am reading, a particular song that suddenly comes on the radio, and, sometimes even suddenly, literally, finding that thing or person that had been running around my thoughts.

More recently I have had some deeper thoughts on the subject. Curiosity has arisen in me as to how deeply our thoughts bring about an effect on the person that has been on our minds. If we are to think about them, and seemingly bring them directly to us through these thoughts, how do THEIR thoughts change, or do they? Do they also suddenly find a reminder about us as, or is it something out of the ordinary and unexpected for them?

If we were to have a dream, a vivid dream, or an out of body experience, that featured a particular person, in a particular place, would the other people we meet have the same encounter on some level, plane, or some type of energized moment in time?

Is it something completely self-created and a completely lone experience, or do our thoughts and dreams bring about some type of blip on another’s radar at some level?

Hopes and Dreams CAN Become Reality

It sometimes feels that in order to achieve all of my hopes/dreams I would have to change myself, which is something I am not always sure that I am willing to do.

Isn’t that the very thing we tell ourselves? I won’t give up doing… I can’t do… I would let so and so down if I wasn’t there for them… Isn’t it also true that to refuse change denies us the opportunities we long for?

If we aren’t willing to start changing our path in small ways, although in the moment they may seem monumental, we won’t find the new doors that will open up to all the things we can imagine for ourselves.

Why do we cling on these bits of us that we are sure make us who we are, when in truth, they are only habits that we have created to comfort us? In many ways these little things are actually huge roadblocks that interfere with our true journey.

Or, we tell ourselves that it would be too much work and we don’t have the time or energy to invest. How can we NOT have the motivation to get moving if the result is all of our dreams and more coming true?

Sometimes that we tell ourselves that age or lack of money is the reason we give when it comes to not going after what we truly want.

When I was a kid I used to always quote “Where there’s a will, there’s a way; and I’ve got the will so there is a way.” Where did that voice go?

By the time I was sixteen, I had begun to realize that those things which I imagined, the things I spent deep and intense concentration on bringing to fruition, happened. Sadly, in those days, my time and energy was spent focusing more on boys and parties than the things that would bring me true success and happiness; but the fact was, I realized, I COULD make things happen.

It took me another ten years to have a deeper, more concrete and sensible understanding of this power that I had, the power that we all have inside of us. I am still learning; it is a process that involves surrender, trust and belief.

There are times when it seems difficult to believe that we are in control of everything that we experience to an extent; while everything that we go through is for a reason, our response to the things that we face is our own responsibility and is fully in our control.

No one else can make our dreams come true for us. We are the only one with that power; it is up to us what we do with that power. We can use it to access our every hope and desire, or we can use it to completely undermine our true self, and ultimately destroy and suffocate ourselves.

I think it is important to really look at what it is that brings us joy, what fills us with light and energy. No matter how big or small, those are the keys to our ultimate happiness, the doors that lead us to our true purpose and all of the things that we could possible imagine for our lives.

Intention, Laws of Attraction…they certainly do apply and they have a meaning for each and every one of us; if we are willing.

We have to do it, be it and believe wholly in it.

We Are Closer Than We Realize

There are days when you log onto the internet and are astounded to see that many others have the exact same things on their mind as you! Every place you look, another person is letting out words that mirror your own; as though they are speaking directly to YOU. The content stems from a similar place, but is so magically different; each a fresh perspective to draw from.

I find it so intriguing that people so distantly a part of our lives, living drastically different lives and circumstances would find days that they are instantly and deeply connected on the same level with each other. I do always say that every person is in our life for a reason; teacher or student, but I find this particularly exciting. An inner ripple, a wave in our energy that seems to speak out loud enough to resound in another that is inside our very own circle; however seemingly “insignificant” or deep that relationship is. Minds joined together on another “plane” and each came back to find words that expressed thoughts reflecting their OWN perception of the union.

As we appear to be separate entities on similar voyages; to discover the mind and words of another that is on the same journey as our own. How very beautiful.

I am so grateful for my “teachers” and “students”. Thank you for stepping onto the path and walking with me for a time.

Divine guidance often comes when the horizon is the blackest. - Ghandi

Creating Life Experiences

Our perceptions can quickly take over and become our reality. What we see, what we choose to see and believe, can begin to creep in and continue to grow. Although we may believe deep down inside that we could not possibly create certain circumstances for ourselves, we couldn’t MAKE things happen or not happen, why would we do that do ourselves?! The truth is we DO create what we experience in our lives, in our thoughts and feelings. I know this to be true because I have experienced it multiple times throughout my life.

Still, knowing this, I can find myself at times wallowing in something I know I could ultimately remove myself from. I remain stuck in an emotion, almost enjoying its comfort, as if its darkness were a warm hug instead of a pointless and harmful feeling. I CHOOSE to stay in a place of negativity. I decide to walk head first into a tunnel of emotions instead of reconnecting my thoughts to a more positive energy flow.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Lack of knowledge ( which makes me think of one of my favorite quotes "You did what you knew how to do at the time, and when you knew more, you did better." - Maya Angelou ) or sometimes, for a brief time, we actually need to fully feel the thought, the hurt, the pain. There are times when we need to allow the darkness to run its course, to consume us completely so that we can capture its true name/face before it can be totally released. Like a volcano, deep inside the darkness lava begins to slowly boil, under the right conditions, it gets hotter, and the lava seems to increase, to boil harder…suddenly the pressure becomes too much and it all lets go. I suppose that sometimes, there are feelings and experiences that can become so deeply knit into the fibers of our beings that in order to get to that place of releasing it completely, we must let it all come together again first.

Although it can sometimes be difficult to remember, I DO know that I will come out and be reconnected with the lighter, more positive energy source. Once I allow myself to release the emotions that need to be removed, I will find the strength to climb out of the darkness and choose to feel the things that make me happy and grateful. I will get back to creating the experiences that I DO want in my life.

Spring Cleaning of the Mind

Why is it so easy to get pulled from your path?

It is simple to get lost in the daily chaos and and to allow your mind to become full of what is essentially poison. Thoughts that are toxic to your future, to your dreams to your very being. It can be easily forgotten, the way the Laws of Attraction and our minds are connected.

I try hard everyday to think positive things, to envision all the positive things I desire as if they already existed...and yet, I realize now that my mind is also full of so many other harmful things. I am ultra focused on the negative things that exist in my life right now.

All of that energy spent on regretting these things is only allowing more of it to come into my life!! I have to get back to gratitude, appreciating everything...for it is all on purpose. I forget that the tough times, the difficult people, the constant struggle is a necessary part of my journey. I am to experience these things so as to learn and/or teach. It is actually something to be treasured, as a part of myself, as a vital piece that makes up the whole of me.

The more I resist, kick and fight against what IS, the less I will learn and the longer it will take to get to where I long to be.

I suppose I really need to take a step back, take a few deep breaths and really LOOK. Look at everything with a new perspective. Clean out the clutter. Think fresh.

 "The storms of our lives can provide us with higher energy, and I think they show up in our lives when they're supposed to." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

"I joyfully release all irritation, criticism, and condemnation. I choose the thoughts that heal, cleanse, and uplift me." - Louise L. Hay

The Other Side of Us

I have noticed a re-occuring theme with some blogs, friends and family...It must be that time of year again, Spring!

For myself, I notice IT mostly in the Spring. The winds of change, the longing for growth, the need for REAL...It is a time when I find myself looking deeper within, at who I truly am, at what I truly want, where I truly want to be. It's when I really begin to remember the other pieces that make ME. There is a feeling, a nagging feeling that is trying to tell me something I have been ignoring.

It is so true that we, as women, seem to have 2 sides, or multiple sides to ourselves. ( Now, it bothers me on a certain, indescribable level, to limit this to "women". I think that ALL of us have this at times within ourselves. It is after all, guidance from another level, something not limited by gender...Perhaps, as women, we tend to be more open, receptive to these unseen forces...) There are parts of us that we share with the world on a daily basis, and other slivers, pieces that tend to be more guarded and hidden, our truer selves. We seem to find ourselves at war with these different aspects of ourselves. Not really sure which voice to listen to, and unsure which direction will take us down our ultimate path. At times not nurturing all parts of ourselves, either picking one side to be the "True" self, and ignoring the other pieces, or not caring for any of these parts because we are overwhelmed by the confusion about who we really are.

A while ago I was looking to write about something I remembered from about 14 years ago, but couldn't seem to find the proper context or starting point.
When I first moved to Alberta, through circumstance, I met this gal who I ended up spending a lot of time with. She came up with the theory that I had multiple personalities, and named the prominent ones! There was La-La, La-Da and Luna. It stayed with me all this time, popping up every once in a while, for no real reason. I thought it was funny, never really looking into it deeper.
When I now think of this in relation to the particular topic of having different sides of ourselves, I think it actually fits in quite perfectly! Looking a little deeper, I found meaning to each of these "personalities".

La La- She is the Mommy in me. The fun, carefree and silly side. This is the part of me that isn't ready to be a "grown-up", she just wants playtime and laughter.

La Da- She is the practical, work oriented, serious side. This is the side that tries to fit into "society", tries to be "regular" and accept the mold and roles that are taught to us all.

Luna- Is ME!! Crazy girl at heart. The spontaneous and deeper part of myself. Very similar to La-La, but much more intense. Prone to manic swings of emotion, feeling happy and sad on the intense levels. This is the side that adamantly denies "norms" and expectations.

A light way of looking at it, but perhaps this silly topic of conversation from years ago has been there trying to remind me, trying to clarify a few things... At the same time, I have always joked that I am "such a Libra". Meaning, in my mind, that being the scales I try to weigh everything, right and wrong etc., but I am able to see so "clearly" the positive to be found on either side... To bring that into context, I have a difficult time deciding which of those internal voices, the sides of me are true...they all sound so good, interesting, fun and in perfect balance...

I have the internal war going daily. Which I suppose in itself is a very loud and clear message that something is not quite as it should be. I am not nurturing ALL pieces of myself, and the callings to do so only get louder. I constantly receive the little messages, a song that won't quit inside my head, the reminding smells, a little voice inside myself, surely the little aches and pains that shouldn't be, and an all encompassing lack of determination in any particular direction. All signs, messages...doors that are opening.

I guess, after this longwinded ramble, that is what I find to be the important thing about this subject of our "Other Sides", the 2 of us (or more!) and all the secretive signals that seem to appear out of nowhere...WE MUST BE PAYING ATTENTION! We should always try to listen, "put on our listening ears" as they say. If these things are happening to us, we need to take notice! Ignorance is only prolonging the greatness we search for. It is, and always will be right there, at the ready... It is up to us to always be ready and willing to hear and do the things required to be true to ourselves, all parts of ourselves, our TRUE selves.

We are all on our own journey. The journey to realize our being for what it truly is, where it truly belongs and what it truly wants to be and should to be doing. We are on the path to our TRUE SELF. Everything else is just there to teach us and remind us...

Are you listening to the Other Side of You?

Moments of Confusion

I always seem to feel like I am waiting on something.
Waiting for it to get better, waiting for it to get worse.
I have these beliefs, and I want so much to live by them, and I want to...
Again, always waiting...
Where is my ACTION?
What am I honestly thinking?!
TAKE the steps, make the moves!
It is NOT just going to happen,
I must get the ball rolling on my own at some point!
Where is my strength, my desire, my passion and drive?

I have all these big dreams that I can't seem to STRIVE for.
So many roadblocks, and brick walls that keep popping up.
The will to push on becomes weaker, less immediate.

That image of hope and promise...
I put that face on every morning, and
it gets lost in the day...
Before I know it, the day is done.
I want to curl up, under the covers...go numb.

There's so much more.
I know I will have it.
It will be mine!
Find the actions, trust the process, be in the moment...

Keep putting on that face.
Keep taking those baby steps, just like Makiya...
It's new, it's exciting, it's fresh...
Continue the onward motion, the energy must be spent, the direction must be followed...

Such a contradiction in terms...
I know and I don't.
I trust and I am scared.
I have the energy and strength...I want to sleep.

I have the belief. I have the desire. I own the responsibility and trust the process.
It will come, and I will ensure that it does.
Every step, every choice and each new chapter...
They are all mine.
They have all been chosen by myself.

I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am wealthy in all the areas of my life.

Well, well, well!
Wasn't that quite a little journey of it's own!
I love when I can work through the emotion of the emotion in little stages like that. This is why I write. This is why it is important for me to keep writing an important part of my life. So cathartic to just let it out, in the moment, as it's felt. Confusing in ways, yet so much sense to be found.

I am not sure why I am going to share this little...rant? that I have felt inside myself. I confuse myself at times, why should I share that part of me?

I am such a Libra. The Scales.
I see that as such an accurate description. The two sides, always at war with eachother. Weighing and re-weighing...the good and the bad, the right and the wrong...

Well, that was a serious rambling of nothingness, and yet so much.
Puzzling to some, sense to others.

Re-connecting, in more ways than one...

I had a great time going for tea this afternoon with D, the lady I used to work for. I was assigned to her furniture store when I was finishing up my Interior Decorating Program. She ended up hiring me, I was made manager, and the rest is history! I had a wonderful time working for her, and the personal relationship that we developed was special to me.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, about her beliefs in Laws of Attraction etc., she...I will say...re-introduced me to these things. She inspired a lot of things in me, positive thought changes, just a lot of good influence. I think she has learned so much, and I love her way of sharing the knowledge that she has gained, with everyone that she encounters. Life lessons, gratitude, action, trust and belief. Those are some of the things that she inspires in me. She is rarely judgemental, never letting you feel that you are less than she, and never forgetting her roots, those places that she came from.

She, of course, had some directional words for me, words of wisdom, encouragement. I am left feeling so good after leaving her this afternoon. I sometimes see/feel a shift when I am with her...a little nudge in the right direction, back on the right track, or, even better, a re-connecting with my source! It's a positive thing, and I sure am hoping to see the effects of those things with this visit!

Good Days

We had a good day today. It was a little chilly today, but Makiya and I walked to the library and she got her first library card today! We registered for Story Time, but are on the wait list! I hate to say I hope someone cancels, but I do!! I really don't want to miss out on this session, the next one (at our local library) doesn't start until JULY!! I am sure we will get in there though, and I am sooo excited!

Looking forward to tomorrow...my old (well SHE is not old, but I don't work for her now...!!) boss and I are getting together. I love her. She is a huge believer in Laws of Attraction and The Secret etc., among other very interesting beliefs. She always gets me thinking and I miss being around her. We haven't seen eachother since just after Makiya was born, so it's been over a year! She is a very positive person and it is really going to be nice to be near those wonderful vibes tomorrow!

Made a nice big pot of chili tonight. Yummy! Dying to go dip into it. It's funny, but I still eat it the way I did growing up...served over Kraft Dinner and topped with sour cream! It looks terrible, and sounds strange, but I swear it is the BEST!! I have always loved making chili, I try to make it the same as my mom always did. I take such pride in each step of the chili preparations. Every step has a purpose, and must be carefully tended to. I enjoy the wonderful visual effect, the colors of the peppers when I add them to the hamburger and onions. The time comes, and adding the beans, and then the tomatoes...I truly do love making my big pot of chilli!!

Looking forward to this weekend. My honey says he won't be working and will let me sleep in all weekend!! Aaaah, sweet sleep!! Love him as I do, I know that work takes over sometimes, so I can't get TOO excited quite yet. But, aaaahhh again! I will cherish the thought for now!

Today is the day

I am a huge believer in the laws of attraction, "The Secret" and all the things authors like Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and Eckhart Tolle discuss. Reading their books and working through the  lessons that they share excites me and awakens that spark inside of me. I  tried hard to really start living by these messages and truths.

Suddenly all the good that seemed to be blossoming around me vanished, and aside from some BIG wonderful things (like my beautiful daughter!) happening, life took a tremendous swoop into a downward spiral. I have come to describe it as a massive black cloud that will not lift. This darkness came about 2 years ago, and progressively got darker. For a long time I persisted with my beliefs and remained positive as often as I could. I wouldn't allow myself to get pulled into the whirlwind, and somehow managed for the most part to stay just above it. My feet dangled just low enough to feel the winds, but it wasn't strong enough to drag me inside.

Lately, that power has abandoned me completely. It has left me at the bottom of this chaos, lights out, walls up. I haven't been able to connect with that light, the energy, the trust and belief. In the back of my mind is this little voice that whispers to me, calling me back.  I need to release myself again to its power. I long for it, I dream of it, and yet I cannot seem to release myself and allow it to happen.

I know I have to shift my mindset. Stop that internal madness and just let go. I need to allow my purpose to find me again. This has all been exactly where I needed to be, these are the feelings I have needed to feel and it was all meant to be. It was all meant to take me to the next chapter, the next journey, the next set of challenges that are waiting to begin.

I can feel the warmth, see the sunshine, taste and smell the beauty in all that is to surround me. I know that I will get there, and it will all be just as I have imagined and dreamed it to be. Every single day is a step closer. Every day is a doorway that opens to the possibilities that are. Each new day could be the day that it happens.

Today is THE day.