Catch and Release

I sit back with new clarity, and I can see the circumstances I have been faced with lately for what they are: more practice and testing of my skills and tools.

The same situations, people, feelings and/or behaviors continue to pop up because I haven’t learned my lessons yet, or still!! Despite the progress I have been making with loading up that cardboard box (from my containment exercise), they keep creeping out, “Hello!! Have you forgotten about me? I am still heeeere!! Pay attention to me!!"

As I type this, I realize that this, right here, is another example of my growth, my healing and recovery!

(And I am PROUD!!)

Awareness. The growing ability to “contain” them when necessary. The expanding proficiency that enables me to look them in the eyes and say “What’s up? What do you WANT? NOPE. I don’t think so! That is not true. It’s no longer allowed. SEE YA!! GET BACK IN THE BOX!!” The increasing prowess that allows me to see them clearly, walk through my feelings, reaching the other side, exhausted and weak, but of course, stronger for it.

Acceptance and letting go. That is a massive struggle. It has been the struggle as far back as I dig; I never seemed to learn to accept and let go of ANYTHING. Only the continual “What if?”, “If only…”, “It’s because they did…”, and “It’s because I did…”. I sit here carrying the tremendous weight of so many unnecessary things that weren’t even mine to carry, and I have done so for years. Things that have no relevance now, in my adult life. These things, people, behaviors were a part of who I was THEN. It doesn’t matter what that looked like, or how difficult as it might be to ACCEPT now, I must. I was who I was then. With or without the healthy skills, tools, self-awareness, acceptance, respect, and/or love, it just WAS. I can’t go back and fix or change any of it.  And that is OK.

I thought that I had already begun to heal those parts of myself. I now realize that I truly had not gotten close. I must deeply accept and own, that that person WAS me, that was my life, THEN. I have reminded myself, repeatedly, reciting Maya Angelou’s quote, “When you know better, you do better.”, and while I truly believe it to be true, my actions and self-talk have not matched up.

I haven’t fully accepted that young girl as she was then. I haven’t faced her, truly forgiven her, or completely disclosed to her any of the actual facts about anything; which would absolutely relieve her from the crushing burden of guilt and shame that she has carried. I haven’t genuinely allowed her to process, heal and move on.

It’s kind of like fishing. You’re sitting out in the boat on a calm and beautiful day, when suddenly you feel the familiar tug on your line. Without a clear vision of what is really on that hook, you begin to reel it, bringing it in for a closer look. You assume it’s going be a big one, what with the effort required as you struggle to bring it to the boat. There it is in the net. With gratitude and admiration, you inspect it, take stock, and maybe you realize that it’s not quite the fish you were hoping for, or perhaps you intended to set it free to begin with, so you then release it.

No tears. No anger. No bargaining. No guilt or shame. You just let it go.

My goal now, is doing the work to heal the Complicated Grief I have in relation to the oh so many events/situations, people, and of course, deaths that have been smothering me. I can begin to muddle through each stage in order to reach acceptance of all these things, where I will then finally let it all go.

I will finally find freedom. I will finally find peace.

The amazing and wonderful part is, I don’t have to look very hard anymore. I can see them. I can feel the cool, airy, weightlessness of liberation and serenity begin to swirl around me, tickling the hairs on my arms, and inciting a ripple of excitement, and relief.

I am doing it. I am well on my way.

It’s not a destination I seek however; the path will not end there. It is merely the doorway. The gateway to my authentic self, where my journey of discovery and growth will continue onto a bright, fresh and uplifting new chapter of opportunities.

My story is far from over.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

Makiya.

My little angel.

My baby girl.

I never imagined I would ever hold you in my arms, and even when they finally placed you on my chest and I finally got to look into your amazing little face, I couldn’t seem to breathe, relax and accept that you had made your way to me.

In just these short three years that I have had you before my eyes, in my arms, on my mind and in my heart, I have been transformed, before your eyes and because of your life, love and innocence. You’ve made me see through the eyes of a child again, and brought me to a place that could never have one face anything less than that; to grow, live and laugh as a child. You have a joy and determination, a love for all that amazes me daily; you make me feel as naïve and hungry for learning and life as you must be.

I wonder about what you think about, the things you aren’t able, ready or perhaps willing to yet share. I wonder how you feel, what your thoughts are to this point about this world, your family… I long to know what truly makes you happiest, what interests you the most and what you would love to try, aside from EVERYTHING at this early age of three! I think about the parts of you that are forming, the things that are beyond, hidden behind, inside, the things that aren’t shouted, giggled and whispered about. I wonder about the person you are becoming.

I try my best every day, even on the roughest of them. I try to show you only the joys that a child should experience. I try to give you a childhood that will be woven into memories, happy and warm thoughts of a loving, learning and laughing time in your life.

I want only for you to breathe gently and inhale all of the world that surrounds you. I want for you to dance freely, as you do, releasing yourself to all that will surely come to you. I want for you to continue to sing as exuberantly, happily and straight from the heart and soul as I witness constantly throughout our days.I want for you to be all that you can, which is anything and everything.

You are the most amazing little girl; so smart, funny, strong and, of course, beautiful.

You are my world, my everything, my all. I would do anything I ever could for you, and I will always do my best to make sure that you are surrounded by nothing less than a true, peaceful and love filled home.

Happy 3rd Birthday my sweet girl!

Love, Mommy

Wishing You a Wonderful New Year!

This past year I have been shown much love, understanding, support and empathy from so many of you out there; the people I may not have seen in years and those of you I only know through writing and have yet to meet.

I have once again been shown what a magnificent power this platform, that of on-line social networking, truly has. I’ve been a part of communities that have shown unbelievable love and strength, and that taught courage while instilling wisdom.

I am so grateful for all of you.

On days when a smile is far from reality, YOU have brought me a laugh. During difficult times, I was reminded how lucky I am. My heart was opened, and shown the beautiful pieces of this life that we sometimes lose sight of. We encouraged one another, sometimes guided them or led them back from darkness. We were there for each other, when we needed it and how we needed it.

We have cried together, laughed together and learned together, all while sitting behind our OWN computers, and I find that to be an amazing gift that we have been lucky enough to share.

I can’t wait to be there, together again, as we continue along on our journeys! Have fun, keep smiling, writing, drawing, capturing photo’s, whatever is your passion, DO IT, and keep learning and growing as you do!

Wishing you ALL the best in 2012!

Fun in the Snow

It was a pretty nice day yesterday, thanks to a Chinook we made it to 7 degrees. Not so much “thanks” to the Chinook also, I had another terrible headache all day long. I was barely making it through the day and only wanted to lie down and go to sleep. At one point in the day though, I was letting our cat outside, and something beckoned to me to check out the snow…sure enough, it was the perfect packing snow for Makiya and I to build our first snowman!!

...and snow kitty!!

Well, at least I managed to get something done yesterday, and that something turned out to be pretty special!

Smile...Because you Can

I was playing around last night, looking for new blogs to read; looking for something interesting, and something that might inspire me in some way. I found a few really neat ones! I decided to check back on a couple of them just now, and came across an absolutely beautiful post.

If you are like me, you may not know, but today is National Awareness for Moebius Syndrome.

Attack of the Redneck Mommy  has posted an absolutely heart-warming tribute to her beautiful little boy who was diagnosed with Moebius Syndrome when he was just 8 days old. This left her son unable to smile, frown or even blink; his face didn’t move.

I encourage you to pop over and read this, I am sure you will be smiling after, just as I am.

I Want You to Know:

I see that look deep inside of your eyes and I know how it feels.

I was your age once; not so long ago that I have forgotten what it means.

I too had parents that didn’t understand me, and I didn’t get them; I wanted to run fast and far.

I tried everything that I could in an effort to escape; boys, drugs and actually running away.

I felt pain that I believed would consume me, end me; and I wanted it to at times.

I felt alone, even when I was with my “friends”.

I was tired of being told I was only a kid and did everything I could think of (not in the right ways) in an effort to prove that I wasn’t.

In all of my efforts to grow up quickly, I eventually lost who I really was. I lost who I wanted to become and what I wanted to do in my life. I wanted to do things differently, but everyone had made their minds up about who I’d become, so it felt easier to just keep going, instead of being true to me.

Eventually, you wake up one day, and it all is a lot different. It does get better. We learn and grow from our mistakes, and hopefully do what it takes to make it all right again for ourselves.

You are and always have been strong. You are continuing to grow into a strong young woman, who will obviously grow up to be wise as well. Stay true to yourself and don’t let anyone stop you from going after every dream that you have and will have. Know that you are beautiful and amazing in each and every way and are more loved than you could possibly imagine.

Happy New Year and Happy Birthday to my Baby Girl!!

I have many things swirling through my mind these days, many things I would like to write about and things I would like to write down in an effort to work them out inside of me. Between Christmas, visiting family and cold/flu running through the house, I haven’t had a chance to do much of anything! Now that I am getting back to normal, the Christmas decorations are coming down, goals are ready to be decided upon and set and focus on my writing is in order!

Today is my baby girls 2nd Birthday!

Wow, it is so true “time flies” when it comes to our kids! In some ways it has been looooong and in most other ways, it is just amazing how fast she has grown and learned so many things. I remember all of the fear and anticipation leading up to her birth, the back labor and finally meeting her for the first time; and I savor every instant since then. Makiya has taught me so many things, about myself, about life and about family. Her laughter, that smile and her wonder at life capture me every minute of each day, and I fall deeper in love with her!

Well, these are all the words I can manage for now, and I should really get back to the mess that is this house!!

Happy New Year to you all, and I look forward to sharing, learning and growing some more with you in the upcoming year!

Alive

The breeze gently kissed her skin as she stepped out into the day. She felt it lift her hair, ever so slightly, as though announcing to her “You have arrived.”

Each step giving her a new sensation, a little like she may actually be floating through the air.

She felt alive in a sense that she had never experienced before now.

She was seeing the world through new eyes; ones that seemed to have magically appeared in the moment.

She drew in the beauty of nature and life that surrounded her as though she was inhaling oxygen. It was “necessary”, “required”, and yet a source so wondrous she couldn’t fully comprehend.

She felt the smile grow wider across her face and she giggled aloud like a delighted child.

We Are Closer Than We Realize

There are days when you log onto the internet and are astounded to see that many others have the exact same things on their mind as you! Every place you look, another person is letting out words that mirror your own; as though they are speaking directly to YOU. The content stems from a similar place, but is so magically different; each a fresh perspective to draw from.

I find it so intriguing that people so distantly a part of our lives, living drastically different lives and circumstances would find days that they are instantly and deeply connected on the same level with each other. I do always say that every person is in our life for a reason; teacher or student, but I find this particularly exciting. An inner ripple, a wave in our energy that seems to speak out loud enough to resound in another that is inside our very own circle; however seemingly “insignificant” or deep that relationship is. Minds joined together on another “plane” and each came back to find words that expressed thoughts reflecting their OWN perception of the union.

As we appear to be separate entities on similar voyages; to discover the mind and words of another that is on the same journey as our own. How very beautiful.

I am so grateful for my “teachers” and “students”. Thank you for stepping onto the path and walking with me for a time.

Divine guidance often comes when the horizon is the blackest. - Ghandi

Hope's Breath is an AMAZING Breath of Fresh Air

I came across an absolutely BEAUTIFUL blog recently and just really wanted to share it. I am totally blown away, almost rendered speechless EACH and EVERY time that I read her posts. She takes my breath away with her insights, her wisdom and just an overwhelming sense of PEACE overall.

Please take a moment to stop by http://hopesbreath.blogspot.com/ .