Losing a Friend

Losing touch with someone close to you is never easy. You watch them slip and slide backwards, sometimes repeatedly, sometimes suddenly; sometimes both. You witness them change before your eyes, becoming a different person; someone that is capable of frightening actions and words. You know that they are in trouble and you reach your hand out, often and relentlessly. Your compassion only met by anger and rejection. You see them losing themselves and struggle to understand how you can help them. You feel their own confusion so thick it chokes you, and yet they can’t see it for themselves. You beg and plead, cry and scream, and nothing seems to work. It is suddenly like they have literally gone blind to their own previous thoughts, hopes, beliefs and dreams; they ARE different. Every once in awhile there is a glimmer of that person they once were, but it seems so rare that you know you are now dealing with a stranger. The person you loved is gone, nowhere to be found, no matter how hard you search for them.


Once you come to this final realization, you are beyond drained and feeling completely alone. It is one of the hardest things to live through, the depths you reach depending on who this person was to you. Nothing makes it easier as you go through it, nothing can ease the pain that comes from grieving the loss of someone special in your life. You feel overwhelming sadness and cry more tears, ones you didn’t even think were left behind your eyes.

But, in the end, you find the strength that was inside of you all along. You now know that you’re friend is no longer the friend they once were, and you needed to part ways in order to move forward.

Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.


It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

Lessons in Gardening

Among many other aspects in my life and mind that have begun to alter, a growing desire to eat healthier has been taking place over the past few years. It’s not something that I just decided to do, and not something I have managed to maintain constantly either. Some subtle, conscious changes in choice have taken root and continue to want to flourish.

This year, for the first time in eight years, my husband and I planted a garden. Planning gave way to spontaneity and excitement, and roughly a month late in the season, we planted vegetables and herbs. We didn’t consider much beyond getting seeds in the ground, and I quickly discovered that I would view this year as our getting back to it/learning season. We were excited to see many things come up, and disappointed to see other things fail.

Peas that were planted beneath a home-made “arbour” made of branches from the yard, quickly became food for the baby birds that took residence in the yard after the loss of our cat. The pumpkin, lovingly planted by Makiya and Grandma, first found trouble when Makiya stepped on it. When it finally healed itself and sprouted two leaves, Makiya’s excitement took over and she plucked them off. Patiently, and hopefully, we waited and watched, only to come out one morning to discover the birds had again been feasting; they plucked the thing straight out of the ground, leaving a hole in the ground! Spinach that we enjoyed for a short time, turned to seed and had to be removed. Radish sprouts were enjoyed, before they, sadly, also went to seed.

Over in my herb garden, we faced many trials; starting with the dog refusing to obey, and consistently making his bed in my Rosemary and Dill seeds. I tried repeatedly to take control, even adding some extra seeds in the hopes of seeing something! The Dill managed to come in quite strong, only to be recently, and finally, destroyed. On the other side, eavestrough issues and downpours have continually drowned my Basil, Oregano and Green Onions.

However, on the bright side of this garden adventure, we have enjoyed spending time working together and talking about what we will have and what we will do differently in the future. We are still enjoying and looking forward to the Sunflower, Zucchini, Lettuce, Tomatoes, Beets, Carrots, Thyme, Parsley, Chives and Basil. We also got excited enough to continue on this journey, that I convinced hubby to keep his eye out on the job for old windows and other materials, which I am thrilled to now have ready to go in the backyard!

A season of learning no doubt! But I am more than excited to be en route in this new little adventure that will only bring good to us in many ways!

Nurturing the Inside

It is a cool day today, grey and drizzly; certainly not what I would typically define as one of my favorite kind of days. Yet, days ago as I discovered what was coming on the weather forecast, I realized I was looking forward to a couple of days inside. I felt a desire to be in, where I could tend to the inside parts of my home, the pieces that are needed to perform daily rituals; the bits that had been stretched and ignored in the midst of gorgeous, sunshine filled, warm days. I was oddly excited to be stuck inside!

My morning began slowly, and I found the energy I planned to exhaust with cleaning and sorting to be non-existent from the get go. I pushed through, and slowly managed to get to the places that needed attention. Among the usual chores of dishes, floors, kitchen etc, I had many extras that I needed to deal with. I had yet to straighten out Makiya’s playroom from Grandma’s recent visit, bedding, toys out of place, new pieces to fit in, and I got to that. I had a closet overflowing with new crafting supplies and learning tools, I got to it, better organized, but no less full! Hubby was stuck home today as well, so I was able to enlist his help to get the new sling bookshelf that Grandma bought completed for Makiya’s plentitude of books! I would like to have gotten more done, but it was nice to have hubby home to help occupy baby girl while I got to the things that would have been difficult and time consuming had she been on my heels.

While I have a ways to go yet in getting this “Fall Preparation” done, all in all, it was a good day.

I sit here now, feeling relaxed enough to sit down and find my words; another “inside part” that needed some nurturing. It has been a long summer in many ways, and I found that I often, almost intentionally, denied myself even a moment to write. I almost refused those parts of my mind to awaken. Perhaps because the many things that have made not only the summer, but this past year, long, are places I wasn’t ready to travel to, fully, inside of myself.

Today, however, the spark has been re-ignited; I hope in many ways.