Appreciating our Inner Circles

After reading my last post and not seeing me anywhere else on line much over the last couple of days, my mom sent me a text, “Are you ok?” I had to give a little laugh at the time, half heartedly expecting SOME type of response from her; I mean it was a bit of a DARK piece! (It wasn’t coming from some place in my current life; it was simply something inside that needed to come out) After attempting a texting conversation, I gave up and called her.


We first talked, of course, about what I had written, and its relevance. We continued with our writing, and how we love getting comments on our blogs. She again encouraged me to get out there more, be sure to leave my own comments on others blogs. The conversation then turned to Facebook, and the commenting or lack thereof that occurs there; we are basically Cyber Stalkers!! We silently navigate our way through this On-Line world, occasionally leaving our mark. We step into the world of others, our “friends”, our “associates” or FILL IN THE BLANK, but we don’t actually appreciate our connections.

My mom is, of course, the one who WOULD, after having the slightest question in her mind, take action and make contact with me after reading a “disturbing” blog post. But, it is a funny thing. When it comes to others that we claim to care about, we don’t take the actual time required to care. Their personal topic/circumstance could be absolutely wonderful, it could be a little on the lonely side or even have an air of pain, and yet we often just breeze on by. Some type of “emotion” or thought comes up for us in response to what we have read. But we don’t bother to share that. We don’t share our excitement or concern, or even offer the slightest hint of emotion, reflection or empathy. We don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to relate with those that we actually cared enough to make contact with in the beginning!

Perhaps, like me, you questioned responding to that “Friend Request”. Maybe you wanted to send one out, but you hesitated. But in the end, we made a conscious decision to do so or not. Thereby, sending out to the universe a message. That entire sequence happened for SOME REASON. We likely entered into a “relationship”. Be it friendship, teacher, student etc. There is something there for us. Why then is it that we ignore what comes back to us?

Although it is often easy to become distracted, I try to remember that every person we encounter, each individual that comes into our lives is there for a reason. I believe that every person we come across is there for us to learn from or that we have something to share with them. I suppose that is why this conversation with mom really hit something inside of me. I am guilty, just like so many others, of neglecting the relationships in our lives.

I, we all, make a conscious choice each and every day. We CHOOSE who it is that we are going to allow in our lives. We handpick who gets to stay in our “Inner Circle”. It therefore is entirely up to us what we get out of that relationship.

We can fully appreciate the people we let remain in our lives, or we can ignore them and allow the union to wilt: lose out on the opportunity to experience the goodness (lessons, love, etc.), allow them to leave our world without ever fully being acknowledged.

I hope to be a little more conscious of these things the next time I am walking through the pages of my friends lives.

The Other Side-Her Night

All of the words, each carefully planned sentence, she breathed back into her soul. She took a gulp of air as she heard the doorknob turn. Frozen for an instant, but forced back into her rhythm. Her mind instantly emptied, but spinning off track; in the same moment. She felt her heart miss a beat, like it may have fallen into the bottom of her stomach, or maybe lower, into her abdomen. The pounding in her chest caused her entire body to develop a slight stutter. Her feet felt heavy and yet conscious, as if they had a mind of their own. They took each step lightly and mindfully.

She took a silent vow, tonight WILL be different. She made a promise. Though her eyes had surely told a different story, she smiled. To do so had nearly caused physical pain, her body in protest of the action. Every fiber of her being screamed at her, turn around and walk away, far away. But, she carefully stepped forward and turned the corner.

She saw his shoulders first. Rounded and low. His arms hung by his sides, hands seemingly unsure what to do with themselves. His head lifted slowly, and their eyes had met. She noticed the tears that seemed to be welling up within his. She felt the heaviness in the air, it almost suffocated her.

Then, she felt the cold. Frigid air consumed her, and she felt frozen again. But this time, all of the thoughts she hadn’t completed came rushing at her. She felt them, she heard them, they echoed loudly in her mind. From the corner of her eye, she had seen him slowly lift his arms, offering himself to her. As if she hadn’t noticed, she held her head high and walked right by.

Tools

I’ve been sitting here all day struggling with an idea for writing. Then, my husband came home. Tools, tools and more tools; that has been the dominating topic of conversation this evening! So, as it always happens, there it is! An inspiration! I love how life works, giving you what you need, when you need it!

Tools. We have them inside of us. I didn’t actually intend to talk about the tools that are immediately thought of, hammer, screwdriver or ladder. That was not my intent, but as I sit here, I realize that the comparisons to our own personal tools are amazingly close.

The Hammer: We use a tool inside ourselves called strength to accomplish the same goal the hammer has; pound a nail (our personal rights, beliefs etc.) into something (a person, a cause etc.).

Screwdriver: The tool inside of us that I think this resembles is a little harder to name in one word. It is also strength, but more, perseverance, love, patience… The screwdriver turns, or weaves the screw into the intended target. It is the force behind the binding of material (or, and again hard to name in one word; love, family, friendship etc.).

Ladder: A ladder is used to reach new heights. Well, again, where do you find the exact word to make that comparison?! I would say strength, perseverance and patience again, but what about determination, wisdom and belief? In order for us to reach a new point or chapter in our lives, we have to use our tools to get there.

We carry a multitude of tools inside of ourselves. Like a tradesman, in our personal lives, tools are required to complete every task that we encounter. As it is in their line of work, we start small. Only the basic tools can be found in the toolbox. But we grow, we learn; we acquire through experience, more tools in the toolbox.

We already carry inside that which is required to face any given situation, but we don’t realize it. There are times when we KNOW our resources are there, our courage etc., but we have a difficult time acknowledging that we could actually possess that (insert tool) within. We are afraid to embark on a new “job”, believing it would be pointless to begin because we think we aren’t fully equipped.

It is all there. All that is required IS, HAS BEEN and ALWAYS WILL be there. Every little piece of gear that is possibly imaginable exists inside of us.

Perhaps we are only inexperienced with utilizing them. As I tell my daughter constantly; “It is something new sweetheart; you are just learning something new and it will take practice. Practice, practice and more practice. The more you do it, the more you try, the easier it will become.”

Like an Oyster...

"Like an old gold-panning prospector, you must resign yourself to digging up a lot of sand from which you will later patiently wash out a few minute particles of gold ore."


—Dorothy Bryant

This quote reminds me of when my mom gave me Grandmas silver and pearl necklace. While I don’t recall the exact words, I think I have it saved in a card in my Hope Chest, it was a comparison of me and an oyster. The hard, protective shell of the oyster, much like the walls I put up, on the outside, with this beautiful gem on the inside.

I think of these walls often, in so many different contexts. I felt it as I walked down the street alone last night. I feel it when I am out in public. I allow the walls to stay up in the presence of family and friends at times. I know they’re up, but how exactly is it portrayed? Is it my stance, my body language, or is it my eyes or the expression that my face holds? Honestly, I assume it would be a combination of all these things. I don’t need someone to tell me when my walls are up, I know. I surely see it in the faces of those that I encounter. I can feel it in the air.

I put these blocks up, sometimes on purpose. But what would the purpose be? At times I am honestly more content to be within my own thoughts. I suppose there could be a level of fear, that of non-acceptance, or maybe it’s my own false judgements. I say false, because that which we dislike in another person, are the traits within our own selves that we struggle with. Perhaps we insist on carrying guilt or shame within us. Maybe it’s something else, but in the end we are holding onto something that will absolutely keep us guarded, but not necessarily safe.

To be so closed off. The doors that must close constantly right before my eyes. To allow ourselves to operate in this way is in some ways consenting to remain stagnant. We are basically saying that it is okay with us to stay EXACTLY where we are, without growing or learning. We are also sending out the message that we DON’T want extra love, guidance or opportunities. The walls only succeed in keeping US in. It doesn’t matter what trial we are faced with, it is only harmful to keep ourselves so locked up. We miss out on so much.

As I grow, I recognize these things more and more often. I have learned about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, my rights and wrongs… I have learned, and I suppose am still learning, how to love and respect the woman/person that I am becoming. I can see the precious things inside of myself, even if I have only shared them with a few, at certain times, they most definitely exist. I have light and gifts inside my soul that are still waiting to come out, and I know that. I am comfortable (albeit too comfortable at times and at others I do allow myself to become consumed) going through each stage, each chapter. At the end of each day I can consciously recognize that my journey is necessary. Just like everyone else, I AM going somewhere. THIS is all for a reason. I WILL (and DO) SHINE!

"There is deep wisdom within our very flesh, if we can only come to our senses and feel it."

—Elizabeth A. Behnke