Release

I was reading my moms blog ( http://myownvelvetroom.blogspot.com/ ) today, she was speaking of an attempt to clean her bookshelves. She hoped to slim down the collection and actually add some ornaments in an effort to make it more appealing to the eye. She talked of having a difficult time sorting through them and the books being more like old friends or family members. Each book had the power to take her back to another time, another place. She didn’t complete the task in the perceived way, in the end, deciding to keep most of them.


It got me thinking of my own collection of books, memories and people that I have a hard time letting go of. I am sure we can all add a whole slew of other things to the list, but we aren’t talking about Hoarding as an issue! I completely identify with my mom when it comes to my books, they really do become a part of us, and I have faced the same dilemma as far as trying to discard some. But there are other things that I keep in my life with images of the future, what I may want then, what I may want to share with others and some with a project in mind. I keep things in my life with no purpose for them in the given moment.

I think of these things that we have difficulty releasing from our possession, our hearts, minds and our lives. At times we think these items define us, we think they are a part of WHO we are. Sometimes we tell ourselves it would be a loss to not have this thing in our life, it would be missed or needed in the future. We say that it wouldn’t be fair to forget, or we think that to forget would be to forgive. We believe that to leave that person behind would end their world, or to allow them to leave us would stop our own lives. There is a tendency to hold onto the things that truly hold us back, or put up blocks in the natural flow of our life, while actually doing so is what holds us back from our true intentions. We look for comfort in these old “habits”, when what we actually do is prevent the things that we DO want from coming to us.

While of course there are certain times, books, “things” that we will always keep close, I think we need to be fairly vigilant in what we do allow to remain in our lives. It is important to really understand the thought process that exists inside of us. Are we blocking the good things from coming to us because we INSIST on holding onto ________? Deep down inside do I think I really don’t deserve more? Do I believe that to move forward would be forever forgetting or letting so and so down? Maybe we think that if we hold on just a little bit longer, things will change, they will improve…

It could be certain belongings, thoughts, habits or something else that we insist on holding onto so fervently, but, we need to pause and take an evaluation of what it is that we are really keeping in our life. It’s funny, but there are times that we finally release some of these “things”, and suddenly we feel so much freer, open and hopeful. The doorways have been swept clean and there is a Welcome sign up for all the good that has been waiting for us.

Learning Experiences

She had just turned 18 years old when she packed her bags and boarded a Greyhound bus for the 12 hour trip that October. No specific plans, only a friend with a place to stay and visions of an amazing, grown up life. Running from a life she had created but no longer wanted, she truly believed she had the power to build more for herself on this adventure. She imagined a strength that would blossom as soon as she set foot in the next province, a truly foreign place to her. As the bus rolled forward and she gazed out the window, into the clouds, she saw faces and places that she was sure to encounter. She pictured all of the wonderful new people that would become a part of her life, the terrific office job that she would be hired for, the nights out and even her stylish, shared apartment. As the city grew closer and the bus seemed to grow colder, the anticipation seemed ready to explode within her. This season was a never her favorite, but the deep snow that lined the streets and the ice sparkling in the air as they drove into the city was suddenly beautiful and held a certain air of magic and promise.


During that time, nearly a year, her experience appeared to be quite the opposite of those images she had during that long bus ride. The fun people and good times were only mirrored images of her past life. There were no fresh personalities, no high profile career begun, and the apartment, just like those she spent time in back home. The few people that she met were angry, troubled souls, most of whom had no aspirations of a future anywhere close to that which she dreamed for herself. The bitter cold and blowing snow, more like ice inside the bones, worse than anything she’d ever experienced. She felt more alone than she had previously thought possible.

She felt the only thing she achieved in this “Life Changing Big City Move” was crying more tears, feeling bigger hurts and having dreams turn to dust. She was more broken and lost then when she stepped foot on that Greyhound bus. The grown up girl that she thought she was had been reduced to a bitter soul once again searching.

All of these years later she realizes that she had gained much more life knowledge than she could comprehend back in that time. She experienced all of the things that she had hoped to, they were simply wearing faces that she hadn’t expected. Some of those people she still looks back on and remembers them as teachers, some positive, some negative. All lessons, marks on her soul. Experiences that truly shaped her heart, helping her become the woman she is today.

The Other Side

He walks through the door with the rain dripping from his hat like tears from his eyes. His shoulders feel heavy, like the weight of his wet jacket may actually cause him to collapse. The words he longs to say gone with the cool air as he closes the door. For him, the warmth of his home is too much in that instant. Just like fire melting ice, emotions rush to the surface. Like the storm outside, he feels only electricity, static, noise. It’s all too much and must come out. No thought given to consequence or perceptions, he falls to his knees and cries. He begs forgiveness, for help, for love… His tears met by silence at first. Blinding, deafening, alone.


She feels her heart skip a beat. Her breath is taken away with the turning of the door handle. Her tears suddenly dry upon her cheek. The words that, only moments ago, burned at her tongue, eager to come out, gone with the cool air as the door opens and closes. She feels the electricity, confused and yet not. Her heart cries out, and yet she is frozen. She feels the warmth of hope, feels the pull of love and she is consumed by desire… Not the desire of a sexual nature, but a deeper, more nurturing and loving kind. Her ears are suddenly filled with noise, but she can’t decipher the difference any longer and she finds it to be too much. She closes her eyes and feels the tears that begin to threaten. She is blinded, deafened and alone.

Dancing with Chaos

Your mind is burned out from spinning in high gear and threatens to shut down.

Your eyes feel swollen from crying.

Your heart aches, worsened by the fast pace that makes you wonder if your heart could really explode?

Your body trembles, as if you are cold, but in that instant you are on fire.

Your stomach churns, filled with a hunger that will seemingly never be filled.

You consistently walk backwards, neck strained from going back and forth…

You spin in circles.

You say the same words, over and over…

You try, or would like to tell yourself that you do.

You sit in a chair, curled up tightly under a blanket, and stare out the window. You see the vibrant colors of nature, the trees dancing in the cool wind and feel the pull. You feel the calling of nature, of life and of the moment. You know inside that you should be warmed, feel hope and promise. Instead, your stomach and heart seem to be straining against each other. You feel physically pained from head to toe and wish only to cry out loud.

Quiet…QUIET…Silence…

You long for it, you yearn for it and it finally comes.

Sometimes, something is better than nothing though. The pause seems to be too much… The sense of aloneness is more than you can take, so you take a step, back into the fire. You’ve gone back into the Dance of Chaos.

One step, two steps…forwards or backwards…does it matter?