Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Losing a Friend

Losing touch with someone close to you is never easy. You watch them slip and slide backwards, sometimes repeatedly, sometimes suddenly; sometimes both. You witness them change before your eyes, becoming a different person; someone that is capable of frightening actions and words. You know that they are in trouble and you reach your hand out, often and relentlessly. Your compassion only met by anger and rejection. You see them losing themselves and struggle to understand how you can help them. You feel their own confusion so thick it chokes you, and yet they can’t see it for themselves. You beg and plead, cry and scream, and nothing seems to work. It is suddenly like they have literally gone blind to their own previous thoughts, hopes, beliefs and dreams; they ARE different. Every once in awhile there is a glimmer of that person they once were, but it seems so rare that you know you are now dealing with a stranger. The person you loved is gone, nowhere to be found, no matter how hard you search for them.

Once you come to this final realization, you are beyond drained and feeling completely alone. It is one of the hardest things to live through, the depths you reach depending on who this person was to you. Nothing makes it easier as you go through it, nothing can ease the pain that comes from grieving the loss of someone special in your life. You feel overwhelming sadness and cry more tears, ones you didn’t even think were left behind your eyes.

But, in the end, you find the strength that was inside of you all along. You now know that you’re friend is no longer the friend they once were, and you needed to part ways in order to move forward.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Seasons Change

As we begin to experience the physical change in seasons, Summer turning to Fall, I find myself feeling a different kind of change; a change in the seasons of my life and mind.

It has been a difficult year in many ways for me. “A year of tears…” predicted some silly Facebook Horoscope. I remember reading that and laughing aloud, “Ha, well, I am sure it will be positive tears and if nothing else, a year of personal growth.”

While I could feel the darkness slipping in again and I could consciously recognize what was going to happen, I laid back and allowed it to smother me. I was content to remain inside my own mind, preferring my own company and noise. I wanted only to run away, to hide, to not wake up in the morning. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to leave room for any more pain, loss, confusion and let down; I couldn’t face those who “knew” and at the same time really had no idea.

That little voice inside of me, the one that somehow never leaves, whispered softly and constantly, “You will get through this.” I held on to that promise, knowing it to be true in some way, but still content to wallow in solitude. I fell on my knees, weeping, screaming, pleading for answers, for a way to escape it all, and only found more anguish.

Then one morning I felt the calm; finally, a chance to breathe deeply; to exhale and know that the bitterness was being blown away with each breath. The mind doesn’t forget and the heart doesn’t stop aching, but with the feeling of serenity comes new strength in which to face it all. I knew I’d eventually find myself here once again, and am trying to place my gratitude on the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully shared. I am in a state of beginning to absorb and accept all that I have faced during these months. I am open to the messages I need to hear and feel.

It has certainly been a season of tears. A season that feels like Winter to me; a time of death/loss, cold, loneliness and bitterness. A dark time that left me feeling suffocated. But I sit here now, feeling as though I have woken up in the Spring; as though it is a time for new beginnings. I can breathe a little deeper, and feel fresh sparks lighting up inside of me.

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