I realize from somewhere deep inside myself, the place that doesn’t want to admit certain things out loud, that I am in the state of fearing impending life changes. My inability to move forward, to express myself and to live life fully is because I am at that familiar stage of resistance.
My eyes spotted something ahead in the road, and not wanting to face the blockage, I closed my eyes again; quickly and tightly.
I sit frozen by thoughts of what lay ahead, the things that could and should transpire. Every new chapter begins the same, and I have enough sense to realize that, but I cannot shake the feeling of impending doom. That feeling that always overwhelms me, even when I know the reality of the changing path will only have a positive outcome.
Something good is about to happen, I can feel it. Quick! Hide! Don’t let it catches me! I am not ready for this…I can’t…
Why DO we sabotage ourselves like this? Why are we afraid to accept the wonderful things that lay in wait for us; the people, the journey, our true path? Why do we resist with all of our might all that we have been quietly longing for?
Suddenly, my eyes were wide open with a clarity that had life gleaming before me. No other path made sense but the new road that lay before me…
Will I awaken in time now? Or will the doors silently slip shut, the light turn dark and my vision become a part of the background once again?
There are days that I feel as though there is not a single thing that goes the way I would like; unfortunately those days often occur when I have looked forward to the day eagerly.
I find myself looking after the needs of others, answering and fulfilling THEIR every desire, only to find that each SMALL thing that I envisioned has fallen to the side or deemed un-important. After many hours of trying to happily comply and push my own feelings of let-down away, I inevitably find myself “grim and grumpy”.
By the time I reach that point, I tend to feel justified, and therefore content to stay in my mood. But, I also have the moments where I question what the hell I am doing?!
I can feel the others light tip-toes around me, their attempts to bring me back and I begin to feel guilty; so I pay attention to what I could be missing, I try to remind myself to be present in the moment.
I then move onto thinking why what I want should be considered any less important than what is on everyone else’s agenda? Why should their interests override my own?
Since baby girl came into our lives, I have found myself in this dilemma more often. I get frustrated at the lack of understanding and respect that people have for the job I now have; the job that doesn’t quit just because I want a break or someone else wants to do something different! I understand that some people aren’t in that situation now, “been there and done it”, or even they just have a different attitude towards being a parent; but I find it difficult at times to have enough patience to deal with it all in one day!
There are so many things racing through my mind at any given moment aside from that which is actually happening; things that no one aside from my husband, and sometimes not even him, would understand or appreciate the magnitude of.
I try to remind myself that all we have is THIS moment, but when the weight of so many other things exists, it becomes difficult at times to just forget…
It was a pretty nice day yesterday, thanks to a Chinook we made it to 7 degrees. Not so much “thanks” to the Chinook also, I had another terrible headache all day long. I was barely making it through the day and only wanted to lie down and go to sleep. At one point in the day though, I was letting our cat outside, and something beckoned to me to check out the snow…sure enough, it was the perfect packing snow for Makiya and I to build our first snowman!!
...and snow kitty!!
Well, at least I managed to get something done yesterday, and that something turned out to be pretty special!
How long does one contribute while another sits idly?
How many times does one try to speak their mind only to be ignored every time?
How long does one financially support another before they’ve had enough?
How many times does one give affection that is repeatedly ignored OR how many times does one receive affection and ignore it before the affection exists no longer?
How many times is it possible for one to repeat the same mistake?
How long does one stick with anything that shows no advancement towards the desired result?
A one sided…anything…doesn’t really work forever does it?
Does one continue until…they achieve the desired result or realize they truly never will? Or, in an effort to save themselves from failure, heartache and/or pain, do they give up before the journey is really over?
I suppose…that we do it UNTIL. Within our body, the answer will always come; our hearts and minds need only be listening and open to receive the answer…
My heart is racing, I feel like I am vibrating and I did shed a few tears.
Given horrifying news that leaves me desperate to act and yet asked to not repeat a word.
Pride (and relief) in a strong, courageous, brave and ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY decision.
Utter shock and disgust.
Total understanding, relation and empathy; but impelled to confront in one way or another.
A new role, new issues and concerns; more responsibility, deeper thinking and inevitably I suppose, more heartache, worry and desire to protect.
If I allow this to remain inside much longer, I may actually explode!
If I act upon my instincts, chaos will certainly erupt.
Several possible avenues of action to take; depending on one’s own filter, the answer may be obvious. Silence (in the hopes it really will NEVER happen again), physical retaliation (a desperate, in-grained, protective, adrenaline rush, eye-for-an-eye punishment) or perhaps even a phone call to the cops (almost never the preferred action, but one wonders…maybe this time it SHOULD happen…).
Asked NOT to speak to my best friend, my “confidante”, my partner, lover and husband; the one that every inch, every fiber of my being is calling out for me to turn to. Isn’t that a sign in itself? I actually pride myself on not being ABLE to hide things (ok, confusing women, mental issues aside!) from my husband; I tell him EVERYTHING! In confidence, non-life threatening things said to me are one thing, but when there is a serious twist to it, young and un-informed, uneducated and innocent to the SERIOUS things in life…even with the promise that there will be no opportunity, no option for these events to occur again… I KNOW what can happen inside of our minds. I KNOW the excuses we can be given, the apologies and promises.
It sometimes feels that in order to achieve all of my hopes/dreams I would have to change myself, which is something I am not always sure that I am willing to do.
Isn’t that the very thing we tell ourselves? I won’t give up doing… I can’t do… I would let so and so down if I wasn’t there for them… Isn’t it also true that to refuse change denies us the opportunities we long for?
If we aren’t willing to start changing our path in small ways, although in the moment they may seem monumental, we won’t find the new doors that will open up to all the things we can imagine for ourselves.
Why do we cling on these bits of us that we are sure make us who we are, when in truth, they are only habits that we have created to comfort us? In many ways these little things are actually huge roadblocks that interfere with our true journey.
Or, we tell ourselves that it would be too much work and we don’t have the time or energy to invest. How can we NOT have the motivation to get moving if the result is all of our dreams and more coming true?
Sometimes that we tell ourselves that age or lack of money is the reason we give when it comes to not going after what we truly want.
When I was a kid I used to always quote “Where there’s a will, there’s a way; and I’ve got the will so there is a way.” Where did that voice go?
By the time I was sixteen, I had begun to realize that those things which I imagined, the things I spent deep and intense concentration on bringing to fruition, happened. Sadly, in those days, my time and energy was spent focusing more on boys and parties than the things that would bring me true success and happiness; but the fact was, I realized, I COULD make things happen.
It took me another ten years to have a deeper, more concrete and sensible understanding of this power that I had, the power that we all have inside of us. I am still learning; it is a process that involves surrender, trust and belief.
There are times when it seems difficult to believe that we are in control of everything that we experience to an extent; while everything that we go through is for a reason, our response to the things that we face is our own responsibility and is fully in our control.
No one else can make our dreams come true for us. We are the only one with that power; it is up to us what we do with that power. We can use it to access our every hope and desire, or we can use it to completely undermine our true self, and ultimately destroy and suffocate ourselves.
I think it is important to really look at what it is that brings us joy, what fills us with light and energy. No matter how big or small, those are the keys to our ultimate happiness, the doors that lead us to our true purpose and all of the things that we could possible imagine for our lives.
Intention, Laws of Attraction…they certainly do apply and they have a meaning for each and every one of us; if we are willing.