Thursday, July 29, 2010

Still talking...

As I opened my Facebook this morning, I was expecting it, and yet it still took me back to see yet another message from the ex. This was a long one.

I just cannot seem to wrap my head around the logic, or lack of, behind these messages, this sudden contact. Was I supposed to be happy? Is it really imagined that I may wish to be in contact? Are the updates meant to make me nostalgic, are they intended to pull heartstrings? Do they believe that I should be sad for them, offer comfort?

I am left with a heavy feeling inside of me. Yesterday felt strange, but I wasn’t as bothered as I find myself today. It confuses me… None of this matters, I am certainly not missing them in any way, I am more than happy with my life, I love my husband. I have never held any regrets in my decision to leave this person, in fact, I have not thought of our past relationship in almost as many years as it has been over! So why the darkness and irritation?!

There is a louder voice inside today that urges me to respond. I just want to be so clear, and verbalize how inappropriate I think this is. I am afraid the point would be missed and it would re-open that door. It would be taken as an opportunity to communicate.

Just as it was then, am I supposed to be pulled into a dramatic head game? This person feels the need to make an attempt at having me actually believe that they have learned, grown, realize the errors… Yet it feels eerily familiar. I walked this road years ago, and am not going there again!

I suppose it is possible that I am being overly sensitive. There is always the possibility that this person innocently wants to say hi and catch up. The small chance exists that they are only trying to ease any ill feelings that may be.

It just feels like more, and it bothers that me that they would have the audacity to try to come back into my life!

I believe things happen for a reason, we go through situations, people come and go, and it all has a purpose behind it. This one is a dark mystery. I thought all things I needed to learn/teach with that person, had been done, a long time ago.

Not quite sure how to deal with this one quite yet.

Voices from the past

As I sit here soaking in the warmth from the sun, my mind is swirling. I was taken by surprise, like heart racing, heart in stomach, breath momentarily taken…SURPRISE!! A Facebook Friend Request like none other. A request from my ex-boyfriend/fiancĂ©. Along with that, a message that just made me feel…well, in the end, after processing and accepting it for what it is, I guess I could say relieved. I am relieved that I moved on and so proud of myself for making that choice 9 years ago.

Without digging through past drama, I will only say that exes are just that, for a reason. We move on, we go forward because there is no longer a place in our life for that person. Truly, in a lot of cases, there is no longer space inside our hearts or minds for them.

Perhaps we ended the relationship, maybe it was the other who left us behind. It may even have been a mutual decision to part ways. There may have been serious issues, drugs, alcohol, abuse. Maybe there were other things that got in the way like finances, cheating or lack of communication. Something got in the way that made it impossible to move forward with that person.

Sometimes we think of these people, these past “loves”. We remember good times and laughs. There are maybe memories of terrible fights and tears.

If we are lucky, we have a memory or two of a love that was perfect for that time in our life, an interaction in time that was meant to be. Just as it was, never anything more. To go a little deeper, hopefully there are also those times that come to us as a lesson learned. In whatever shape or form that may be, a person with whom we experienced life changing events that forced us to grow and learn. Unfortunatley, there are often others that were just plain mistakes. We really would rather not have been there, much less take a trip down memory lane with them by our side. They are times best left forgotten.

As I sit here, the things I thought I knew about that past relationship are cemented inside of me, and at the same time, fully released from inside of me. I don’t look back and become enveloped with happy memories. I don’t want to look back and recall the difficult times that were experienced. I don’t look back period.

If I really press myself, really put effort into it, what comes to me is a time when I began to grow up. This was a time when through so many different circumstances, I truly started the process of knowing myself. It was when I formed the work ethics that I am now proud of within myself. It is when I met some amazing people in a little town and spent some of the best times of my life.

However, all of the realizations and memories don’t take me back to him. He was there, but really, even back then, he wasn’t a part of the life I was living and starting. I suppose he never really was a part of me.

While I would like to say that I cannot understand how, after so much time has passed, there could still be feelings or heartache or regret… I do get it, and especially from this person. It is a drama full of emotions and feelings that I truly have no desire to wade through.

There is a small piece of something inside me that wants to reply to the message. I would like only to simply state that which after all these years should already be understood.

The rational voice inside warns me to stay away. Who am I to try to impart any form of wisdom, relief or whatever else that is trying to come through?

In any situation I face, I think of my husband. I think of what he would feel or think about my choice of action. I think of the situation reversed, how would I think or feel about his possible path of action? In the end, if I am not sure, I discuss it with him. I called him when I received this message, and he was as shocked as I. I am curious to know, would he agree it’s best to leave it alone, or would he prefer for me to stand up and verbalize the inappropriate contact?

I am still a little shocked, and just not sure what to do with this. I wish in the end I could simply say that the easiest and wisest thing to do would be nothing at all, though I can't seem to accept that quite yet...
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