Friday, April 30, 2010

The Other Side of Us

I have noticed a re-occuring theme with some blogs, friends and family...It must be that time of year again, Spring!

For myself, I notice IT mostly in the Spring. The winds of change, the longing for growth, the need for REAL...It is a time when I find myself looking deeper within, at who I truly am, at what I truly want, where I truly want to be. It's when I really begin to remember the other pieces that make ME. There is a feeling, a nagging feeling that is trying to tell me something I have been ignoring.

It is so true that we, as women, seem to have 2 sides, or multiple sides to ourselves. ( Now, it bothers me on a certain, indescribable level, to limit this to "women". I think that ALL of us have this at times within ourselves. It is after all, guidance from another level, something not limited by gender...Perhaps, as women, we tend to be more open, receptive to these unseen forces...) There are parts of us that we share with the world on a daily basis, and other slivers, pieces that tend to be more guarded and hidden, our truer selves. We seem to find ourselves at war with these different aspects of ourselves. Not really sure which voice to listen to, and unsure which direction will take us down our ultimate path. At times not nurturing all parts of ourselves, either picking one side to be the "True" self, and ignoring the other pieces, or not caring for any of these parts because we are overwhelmed by the confusion about who we really are.

A while ago I was looking to write about something I remembered from about 14 years ago, but couldn't seem to find the proper context or starting point.
When I first moved to Alberta, through circumstance, I met this gal who I ended up spending a lot of time with. She came up with the theory that I had multiple personalities, and named the prominent ones! There was La-La, La-Da and Luna. It stayed with me all this time, popping up every once in a while, for no real reason. I thought it was funny, never really looking into it deeper.
When I now think of this in relation to the particular topic of having different sides of ourselves, I think it actually fits in quite perfectly! Looking a little deeper, I found meaning to each of these "personalities".

La La- She is the Mommy in me. The fun, carefree and silly side. This is the part of me that isn't ready to be a "grown-up", she just wants playtime and laughter.

La Da- She is the practical, work oriented, serious side. This is the side that tries to fit into "society", tries to be "regular" and accept the mold and roles that are taught to us all.

Luna- Is ME!! Crazy girl at heart. The spontaneous and deeper part of myself. Very similar to La-La, but much more intense. Prone to manic swings of emotion, feeling happy and sad on the intense levels. This is the side that adamantly denies "norms" and expectations.

A light way of looking at it, but perhaps this silly topic of conversation from years ago has been there trying to remind me, trying to clarify a few things... At the same time, I have always joked that I am "such a Libra". Meaning, in my mind, that being the scales I try to weigh everything, right and wrong etc., but I am able to see so "clearly" the positive to be found on either side... To bring that into context, I have a difficult time deciding which of those internal voices, the sides of me are true...they all sound so good, interesting, fun and in perfect balance...

I have the internal war going daily. Which I suppose in itself is a very loud and clear message that something is not quite as it should be. I am not nurturing ALL pieces of myself, and the callings to do so only get louder. I constantly receive the little messages, a song that won't quit inside my head, the reminding smells, a little voice inside myself, surely the little aches and pains that shouldn't be, and an all encompassing lack of determination in any particular direction. All signs, messages...doors that are opening.

I guess, after this longwinded ramble, that is what I find to be the important thing about this subject of our "Other Sides", the 2 of us (or more!) and all the secretive signals that seem to appear out of nowhere...WE MUST BE PAYING ATTENTION! We should always try to listen, "put on our listening ears" as they say. If these things are happening to us, we need to take notice! Ignorance is only prolonging the greatness we search for. It is, and always will be right there, at the ready... It is up to us to always be ready and willing to hear and do the things required to be true to ourselves, all parts of ourselves, our TRUE selves.

We are all on our own journey. The journey to realize our being for what it truly is, where it truly belongs and what it truly wants to be and should to be doing. We are on the path to our TRUE SELF. Everything else is just there to teach us and remind us...

Are you listening to the Other Side of You?

Spring Remembered

 I did a search for sun in Clip Board, and I came across this picture.

This picture takes me back to being a young child.
Just like the reminding sense of smell,
this is a vision, an overwhelming feeling of green that has stayed with me.

I remember the schoolyard we used to play at, before we went there as school children.
Way back then, the yard was full of massive trees.
The neighborhood itself seemed to be full gigantic, green trees...
Poplars, Willows, Maples and so many more.
Glimpses into the past remind me of a view so similar to this picture.
I recall the freshness that came from the green leaves.
So light and tangy, I can almost smell and taste it now.
I see the sun as it peered through the trees,
 little slivers of light dancing on the ground.

Every once in a while,
I am taken back to this.
Like it still courses through me on another level...
Green runs through my body,
like breath from my very soul.

The green Springs of my childhood...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Trust me, I Know...

I realize these things about myself...

I have a hard time with people. It takes a certain something for me to be, hmmm, open, receptive, at times even "friendly". Some of it is my "requiring past history", some of it is lack of commonality, and some can just be that type of vibe. If it doesn't "fit" into my mold, then I can just shut down. Completely. I don't do it from a need to be rude, or even an intention of being cold. I just, I don't know, have a wall that goes up. It's not that I don't have an open mind or can't accept people with thoughts/beliefs that are different from my own...but sometimes, some personalities just don't ring familiar enough, don't resonate with my being. My mind shuts down, wanders, it just refuses to engage.

Anger boils within at times. There is just that little twinge of something that can just cause an explosion inside of me, with nothing to grasp at to pull me back to earth, back to myself. Not to say I can't contain my rage, because oddly enough, over the last 9 years, I have almost perfected that act. I think that however I have managed to do it, it isn't actually enough. I am afraid that it is ALL stuffed inside somewhere...just waiting to be released. I hope that I am wrong, and that I have actually learned to release the poisons...But still the emotions can rise, and the rage can begin the battle of TRYING to show its full force.

I AM a good being, and a positive force of energy. A thoughtful, loving and caring person. I am smart, even intelligent, and capable.

I am constantly involved in the learning process. I am on a never ending journey of learning. Gaining knowledge about myself, on all levels. The vibrations, the core, the true path. I am trying to understand, love, respect and live with me, my loved ones, this world.

I can know and try to fully realize these things about myself, and still not move foward. I get stuck. I allow myself to become overwhelmed. I let myself get sucked into unnecessary dramas. The little sideshows that may directly effect me, but at the time my reaction or action will not bring about the desired effect. And of course the times where the drama should just be left alone...and yet I follow a call to get involved.

I am just having a hard time dealing with life in general these days. I can speak of relationships, those with loved ones and friends, (or lack there of), or what I SHOULD be doing, more importantly what I SHOULDN'T be doing, it could be passions and my lack of enjoyment in the ones I do have...I am just not having fun these days. I can't seem to live for and in the moment. I am not progressing in the manner I long to be, and I KNOW that I am truly in control of that.

I realize all of these things.

Somewhere inside I also know that I am on the right path. I am on MY path. The one that I have chosen. The journey I have required for myself. The road that will teach me those things that I don't fully understand yet. I am on purpose. I am where I should be. I will also survive. I will live. I WILL enjoy the good that will always come to me, from the things that I am learning.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Makiya's Eyes

I mentioned that baby girl was having some eye problems. I did some reading, and though I am certainly no doctor, it seems to be what they call Strabismus or "Wall-Eye". Her right eye wanders out. I have noticed it almost since she was born, but it was irregular, usually when she was tired, and just didn't seem to be a problem. Over the past while I noticed it slowly increasing it's appearance, but again, usually when Makiya was sleepy. This past week and half it really ramped up in frequency, so I decided it was definitley time to have her looked at. We discussed taking her to the doctor, just getting in to the Optometrist and so in the end it was decided we would grab the number from an Optometrist down the street. Well, we went over to the mall this afternoon to grab a few things and I popped into the optometrist in the mall to grab their card. The receptionist was eager to talk, so I let her know what was going on with Makiya, and she immediatley turned to her appointment book and asked if we were free NOW. The doctor was not thrilled at changes being made to her schedule at first, retracting her initial response upon hearing what had been happening with my baby. So, she had a bit of a time at first, but eventually noticed the problem, actually seeing it in both eyes! So we are being referred to the Children's Hospital! When I asked how long we may expect to wait to hear from them, she let me know that she would be putting URGENT on the file! So not what I expected to happen! Is it because that is where the Pediatric Opthamologists are located? Is Makiya's problem worse than I have been thinking? Will we have to put in drops, or do eye training (?), or an eye patch, or glasses?! My heart just felt heavy. I don't want her to have any issues or concerns, of any kind! My baby girl! Sigh...I am of course, trying to be the ultimate optimist. Don't get bogged down with what ifs, and all of that craziness. All will be just fine, simple solution to a minor problem! No matter what, I know that we will just have to do what is the absolute best for Makiya, no questions asked.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Random things from this past week...

Well has this week ever flown by. Not that I had a lot going on, in fact a whole lot of nothing happened. I've had another week of zero energy, little motivation, and really I would have preferred to just SLEEP! We had disgusting weather, SNOW!! What a downer after the beautiful weather and sunshine we had been enjoying. The snow and gloom does not help lift the spirits or give you any burst of energy or inspire motivation. Well, maybe it does for you, but not even close for me. Longing for the sunshine! Needing the warmth of the sunshine!
I got some GREAT news brother is coming for a visit finally! I haven't seen him, creeping up on 2 years already! He will of course be doing some cooking, which will be awesome! I can always use a break on that, as much as I do enjoy it. My brother truly loves cooking, and is always ready to show off some skills! More importantly to me is the time he will get with his niece! Makiya has never met her uncle! Mom will of course be coming down too, it's been awhile since she saw him as well...Grandma time is always good with Makiya, so much better than Skype! Our little monkey has done so much growing and learning already in the short time that has passed since mom was here last, it will be so neat for her to see! So excited! I still have to wait roughly a week, mom will be here next weekend and Mike a few days later!

Of course we had a good Easter as well. My lovers (my name for hubby) family came over, so we had a house full! 15 of us in total. 1 baby, 1 toddler and 5 other kids ranging from 4 to 14, the rest adults...whew! We all pitched in and did a cold dinner. Turkey and Ham bun-wiches, my potato and pasta salads, veggies and fruits. Little mess, no cooking and eat as you want! Perfect! We hadn't seen one sister and her family (the largest of the bunch, with 4 kids!) since last year, so we ended up visiting quite late, poor kids!

It was an exhausting day, especially considering I had stayed up until 4am the night/morning before painting our kitchen, putting some colored Gerbera's together in vases, and finishing up some cleaning! I had been dying to get the kitchen painted, freshened up. I was quite disappointed with the way the color turned out though. Lover and I picked it out together, even changing the final color choice, hoping to avoid a brown with pink undertones. Still, it reminds me of chocolate milk! Lover teased me, "well, you're the interior decorator, not me!" But really, we both agreed we made the right choice, and it still just didn't work out the way I envisioned it! I am still glad it's done though, it helps clean it up, makes it feel fresher. I mentioned the lack of energy this week, so the kitchen is still not completed...trims, ceiling and touch ups...and those annoying little drips that my  lover left all over the floor! Plus, now I feel the urge to get the bathrooms done before the family arrives! Will use the same color as the kitchen, again not the prime choice, but I will be pleased to have it painted fresh!

I had been longing to get those flowers for so long, and I was delighted to be putting them together! The picture really didn't take well, but I thought they looked so pretty! Spring in a vase!

Baby girl loves her new bunny rabbit. She loves going up and sitting on his lap, sharing her water with him, reading with him and just snuggling! She has had an interesting week to say the least. A few days of #2 problems, she's cutting teeth, and boy oh boy our girl and her little attitude! She LOVES to test me...hitting has been big again this week, and really grabbing the face, roughly...little munchkin!
She said baby too! Well, be-be and bay-be and bee-bee!
I actually need to take her to the optometrist this coming week, her right eye has dramatically picked up with what I have discovered they call "wall-eye"...I have always noticed it, not often and usually when she was tired, but this week it really ramped's hard to see her when it happens, on several levels, as my hubby said, "it makes me sad"...I am pretty sure that as long as I get her into the doc right away they should be able to help, drops, excersises or something...I sure hope anyways!
Music and dancing...and of course at #1 is her books! Makiya is so into her books, she always brings them to be read, often the same book repeatedly! But she picks them up and finds a special spot to read to herself as well! So precious! Her love for music and dancing is adorable as well. She spins in circles, then gets the knees bending, and legs special! She gets this little smile across her face as she goes, humming and letting out powerful yells, arms involved and all!!

Oh, and tonight...grateful for another unexpected gift/surprise! I don't have the energy to go on about this one, but, things that happen for reason...doors that open...laws of attraction...All of that stuff, I would add, but again, gotta go now!

Well, I guess I really did have some things to say this week! Didn't really expect to go on so long!
Here's to some optimism, energy, motivation and big smiles this week!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Petting Zoo

We took Makiya over to the mall today, they had a petting zoo!
I actually teared up, big time, twice!
Watching her with her Daddy, in there with those little baby animals.
There were little goats, lambs and pigs. In another section bunnies and chicks.
She was just so beautiful, and sweet.
Giving little pats and kisses.
She was even more interested in the other little ones, a little blond boy in particular.
Trying to touch him, give him a little poke, a smile and a laugh!
She has picked up this new wave, like Miss America or The Queen, that slow, side to side wave...
She was flashing that to everyone, and beaming that gorgeous smile!
Makiya just walked around that place like she owned it, like she was very much at home.

 (I regret, we did not have the camera with us...Daddy got 2 shots on the phone, but...they didn't really turn out!)

Thursday, April 1, 2010


Right from the day she was born, I called Makiya ladybug.
I love you bug, my little ladybug...

Then, at Halloween, she was a ladybug.
Quite a beautiful one too!

Now, she LOVES ladybugs!

We seem to have a large amount of them in our yard, and she is fascinated by them!
She hunkers down and just watches the ladybugs as they crawl around, up the blades of grass
Then of course, she has to pick the ladybugs up.
She loves to walk around the yard with one in her fingertips.
Sadly, she usually ends up squishing it.

She shows off her treasure.
She brushes her sticky, ladybug covered fingers across her cheek in the way that she does,
seeming to say
I love you ladybug...
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