Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I Remember The Days

There were fires that burned so bright, we wore our sunglasses in the night.
The skies lit up with an amazing orange glow, bouncing off the trees and warming the ground below.
All of us different, and yet so much the same...
The smoke circled so thickly as it slipped through the fibers of our clothing, into the fibers of our souls...
Dust crept from head to toe, so fine you could feel it in your nose and taste it with each breath in.
There was music that echoed loudly, often different sounds coming boldly from each corner.
The roar in the background that sliced through the night..a raging river, a 4x4 truck, a muddy quad, a water clogged dirtbike?
Laughter and chatter, hollers and rantings...
An energy so intense and exhilirating, the vibrations moved quickly through each of us...
Soaking in and taking hold...

Forever a part of me.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Past Remembered

I wrote these about 9 years ago. My husband and I were just starting to notice eachother...sigh!

Sparkling eyes revealing laughter.
Deep laughter freed with a wide grin.
Brush of a hand.
Connecting words.
Long gazes.
Short flirtatious side glances.
Relaxed moments.
Calm souls.

Unexpected, unremembered.
Connecting glance.
Butterflies flitting about.
Free laughter.
Sparkling eyes reflect...
Shivers of a sensation...long forgotten.
Light headed and lusty.
Touch of a hand, brushed by skin,
Touched by so much more.

I love you babe!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Moments of Confusion

I always seem to feel like I am waiting on something.
Waiting for it to get better, waiting for it to get worse.
I have these beliefs, and I want so much to live by them, and I want to...
Again, always waiting...
Where is my ACTION?
What am I honestly thinking?!
TAKE the steps, make the moves!
It is NOT just going to happen,
I must get the ball rolling on my own at some point!
Where is my strength, my desire, my passion and drive?

I have all these big dreams that I can't seem to STRIVE for.
So many roadblocks, and brick walls that keep popping up.
The will to push on becomes weaker, less immediate.

That image of hope and promise...
I put that face on every morning, and
it gets lost in the day...
Before I know it, the day is done.
I want to curl up, under the covers...go numb.

There's so much more.
I know I will have it.
It will be mine!
Find the actions, trust the process, be in the moment...

Keep putting on that face.
Keep taking those baby steps, just like Makiya...
It's new, it's exciting, it's fresh...
Continue the onward motion, the energy must be spent, the direction must be followed...

Such a contradiction in terms...
I know and I don't.
I trust and I am scared.
I have the energy and strength...I want to sleep.

I have the belief. I have the desire. I own the responsibility and trust the process.
It will come, and I will ensure that it does.
Every step, every choice and each new chapter...
They are all mine.
They have all been chosen by myself.

I am healthy.
I am happy.
I am wealthy in all the areas of my life.

Well, well, well!
Wasn't that quite a little journey of it's own!
I love when I can work through the emotion of the emotion in little stages like that. This is why I write. This is why it is important for me to keep writing an important part of my life. So cathartic to just let it out, in the moment, as it's felt. Confusing in ways, yet so much sense to be found.

I am not sure why I am going to share this little...rant? that I have felt inside myself. I confuse myself at times, why should I share that part of me?

I am such a Libra. The Scales.
I see that as such an accurate description. The two sides, always at war with eachother. Weighing and re-weighing...the good and the bad, the right and the wrong...

Well, that was a serious rambling of nothingness, and yet so much.
Puzzling to some, sense to others.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Re-connecting, in more ways than one...

I had a great time going for tea this afternoon with D, the lady I used to work for. I was assigned to her furniture store when I was finishing up my Interior Decorating Program. She ended up hiring me, I was made manager, and the rest is history! I had a wonderful time working for her, and the personal relationship that we developed was special to me.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, about her beliefs in Laws of Attraction etc., she...I will me to these things. She inspired a lot of things in me, positive thought changes, just a lot of good influence. I think she has learned so much, and I love her way of sharing the knowledge that she has gained, with everyone that she encounters. Life lessons, gratitude, action, trust and belief. Those are some of the things that she inspires in me. She is rarely judgemental, never letting you feel that you are less than she, and never forgetting her roots, those places that she came from.

She, of course, had some directional words for me, words of wisdom, encouragement. I am left feeling so good after leaving her this afternoon. I sometimes see/feel a shift when I am with her...a little nudge in the right direction, back on the right track, or, even better, a re-connecting with my source! It's a positive thing, and I sure am hoping to see the effects of those things with this visit!

Rainy Days

There was a time that I loved rainy days and rainy nights.
They stirred things inside of me that were, perhaps feelings of romance with a little taste of sadness.
I have never really lived anywhere where it was rainy all of the time,
so these strange days were something to be savored.

The darkness that it brings, the gloominess
is almost comforting.
The kind of day best spent in doors, but,
at the same time,
a whole new world to venture outside.
The rain falling like teardrops.
Perhaps tears of sadness and loss, or
maybe tears of joy and ecstasy.
Rainy days are filled with promise.
The promise of growth.
The promise of a fresh start.
Newly cleansed and ready to blossom.

There is definitley something to be said of the beauty
that is found in rainy days.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Good Days

We had a good day today. It was a little chilly today, but Makiya and I walked to the library and she got her first library card today! We registered for Story Time, but are on the wait list! I hate to say I hope someone cancels, but I do!! I really don't want to miss out on this session, the next one (at our local library) doesn't start until JULY!! I am sure we will get in there though, and I am sooo excited!

Looking forward to old (well SHE is not old, but I don't work for her now...!!) boss and I are getting together. I love her. She is a huge believer in Laws of Attraction and The Secret etc., among other very interesting beliefs. She always gets me thinking and I miss being around her. We haven't seen eachother since just after Makiya was born, so it's been over a year! She is a very positive person and it is really going to be nice to be near those wonderful vibes tomorrow!

Made a nice big pot of chili tonight. Yummy! Dying to go dip into it. It's funny, but I still eat it the way I did growing up...served over Kraft Dinner and topped with sour cream! It looks terrible, and sounds strange, but I swear it is the BEST!! I have always loved making chili, I try to make it the same as my mom always did. I take such pride in each step of the chili preparations. Every step has a purpose, and must be carefully tended to. I enjoy the wonderful visual effect, the colors of the peppers when I add them to the hamburger and onions. The time comes, and adding the beans, and then the tomatoes...I truly do love making my big pot of chilli!!

Looking forward to this weekend. My honey says he won't be working and will let me sleep in all weekend!! Aaaah, sweet sleep!! Love him as I do, I know that work takes over sometimes, so I can't get TOO excited quite yet. But, aaaahhh again! I will cherish the thought for now!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Into The Vault-Be Who You Want to Be

Be Who You Want to Be

Learn to be
Who you want to be.
Not who you
"should" be.
There's only one
person you need
to make happy...and
That is you.
Everything you
Say and do
Effects your happiness.
So be true to you.
Do what you
Have to do
To make yourself happy,
not what others want
to make them happy.
You are who you are.
Accept it.
Respect it.
If need be,
Change it.
Don't blame others
for problems you have.
Anything that goes
wrong in your life
is brought on by you.
So, learn to be
Who you want to be.
Do what it takes
to make you happy.

Into The Vault-The End I and The End II

The End I

It's gone!
Or is it...?
You can't tell,
you're on the other side.
Do you think you know?
I bet you're wrong!
How could you possibly know
the hells I walk through?
Day and night.
Night and day.
You all think you're smart.
But you don't even care!
What difference does it make
for you to know?
You'll never understand...
The many faces that haunt me...
Day and night,
Right now,
This second...
Why even pretend?
It's not working...
You're like the rest and
I can see right through you!
I will run and
I will hide...
You'll be on the outside,
Looking in...
Not realizing,
Not caring,
Not right.
When will it all end?
You'll never catch me
before that time...
Because it's drawing nearer...and's here!

The End II

There's something going on outside...
I need to get to it...
There's something there!
Something holds me back.
With fingers of steel.
I am trapped!
I'm dying, I'm dying...
and no one is going to help me...
Dying, dying...dying...dying.
Something tears at my soul,
at my heart.
Something wants to kill me.
With this sudden realization,
the lights go off...
this can't be right...
Not yet!
It's now over.

Into Random Writing-The "Mark and Shelliot" Days of My Childhood

The “Mark and Shelliot” Days of my Childhood

I have early memories of my childhood. I am lucky; I know those who have none of these special times within the grasp of their minds. Travelling back to when I was 4 years old, I am filled with a warmth and orange, aura like glow.

I can feel the hot summer breeze blowing. The trees, massive Weeping Willows and great, tall Poplars...leaves rustling gently. I instantly see our HUGE garden, full of green, so many delicious things to be found! I can smell the soil and vegetation as they warm beneath the sun, the variety of aromas blending together. It fills my soul as I recall how it seemed to seep through my pores. The feel of the dirt, the dust, it covered us as we played...slipping into and beneath our clothing.

My brother and I, playing in that yard...such rich and vibrant memories. We would go from our little dinky cars and other little figures in the dirt, grass and our favorite game.

"Mark and Shelliot". It was an action/adventure game, so full of imagination and complete freedom! We role played as these self created characters, on the spot, in the moment...
I remember drifting through the oceans on our old metal patio chairs...the green paint peeling back to reveal the yellow beneath. We turned them backwards, onto their backs, so we could stand on them, this way they rocked with the waves!
We hunted, for whom or what, I can't recall, but we were so smart as we sharpened our "arrowheads" or willow spears! A little spit and circular motions against rock, or the sidewalk! Our food and supplies were berries and leaves, twigs and stones.
I can remember the sweat and blisters we got as we worked for hours...right beside our old, peeling white, Italian style fountain, we were digging our way to China!
Our trusty companion, Bobby, by our sides at all times. He was a "Heinz 57", wiener on legs almost looking dog! Brown and black, tail wagging as he followed wherever we took him.
I have no idea where this game came from, but boy, did we fun!
We travelled the world to completely foreign places and we went on excursions to countries we've never since seen!

Then, as if it couldn't get any better...a nice cold freezie to end the day! Dry from all the travels, a perfect thirst quencher awaited! It was sweet and sugary, sticky as it dried. Dribbled, smeared and bright in color on our young faces! I can't help but remember how I have ALWAYS HATED the way that plastic on the edges always seemed to cut the sides of my mouth though!!

I treasure these times, cherish them with all of my heart. All of the sensations, so fresh and vivid. A time never forgotten, never lost.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The "Grown-Up" version of the "Squish"

Remember when you were a kid...those funny little things we did!

Like, when you take your thumb and forefinger, and
look between them at an object in the distance.

Then, when the view is JUST Squish that object!

Fastforward some number of years. 
Introduce the middle finger.

Ah, a silent demonstration of an internal outburst of rage!

Have you ever sat on the other side of a wall, away from...hmmm...the ones you just can't stand to be near?
On the other side, so angry and  so fed-up, that you use that middle finger like a windshield wiper...
You engage that wiper to erase their words, their noise, their existence...just like rain off the windshield.
As if it was possible to actually wipe them away... with a silent word, or two, of farewell!

It's a little secret with yourself.
A private victory!
A war won!
All without uttering one single word.

Oh really, to look back over what I am writing...
How childish of course!
But, I take sweet pride and find release in that one silly little moment!
It's a much wiser road to take than an outright outburst right?

That was MY "Grown-Up" version of the "Squish".

Into The Vault-Anger and Loneliness

Anger and Loneliness

Shaking bodies,
trembling fingers.
Uncontrollable tears.
Creeping anger, and
sudden fear.
Loss of control, yet
gain of power.
All alone, but
in company with
the many inside.
Nothing good,
Only terrible.
Frightened to live,
Scared to die.
Wishing for an end,
Hoping for a solution.
No answers come forth.
It's a solitary decision.
Soul disentegrating.
Falling to pieces.
Need to escape.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Test Start

So I have an idea in my mind on how I would like to set this page up, but I AM such a novice at this! I am playing around with it all, tinkering and playing...I will be going through and adding pieces to The Vault. They are so old, and the emotions so raw and uncensored sometimes! I have just waited so long to put them out there, that I gotta do it! I am so not near the dark feelings that are in this writing, I mean of course I have my days...but I am nowhere near being so tangled and torn up as I was then! It already feels good to get it out though, in a different way then just the pen to the paper! I must admit that I actually felt drained after doing this stuff this afternoon, reading "the old blue binder" and looking over it...I kept falling asleep on poor Makiya for about an hour before dinner! But it's good, something I've always wanted and need to here's to testing it out and getting started on it all!

Into The Vault-The Haunting

The Haunting

I close my eyes,
I see the face.
In any state of mind,
I see the face.
I can run, I can hide,
I see the face.
It's the face of death.
It's the face of life.
The face of joy.
The face of pain.
The face of memories.
Turn this way,
it's there!
Turn that way,
it's there!
Look up...
it's there!
Nothing you can do...
Nothing you can say,
Can or will erase this face.
It's hidden to you,
The unsuspecting eye...
But it's vivid to me,
the tormented one.
It's the face of so much, and
yet so little.
It's the face you'll never discover.
It's the face...I'll never recover.

Into The Vault-The Children Speak

Ok, so I finally dug out that old blue binder...into the depths I go! Wow, it truly is filled with dark and depressing writing! To be honest, I have found little pieces of comfort as I go through and read, a kind of warmth...It's hard to explain, but it is so familiar, and now brings the comfort I once longed for! Perhaps because I have managed to make it through all that stuff?! This stuff was all written about 15 years ago, so I sure hope I've found my way through!

These first pieces I am putting in came to me one day, I remember sitting in Social Studies class! They are not from personal experience per se, but still caused me a lot of confusion and grief to write! I still recall the day I wrote these, it's so very vivid!

The Children Speak


Daddy storms in,
Throws down his coat and
Sinks into a chair.

Grab me a beer!

Mommy  rushes in,
Beer in one hand and
Dinner in the other.

How was your day?

Daddy stares at the TV,
Hardly glancing away
As he grabs his dinner.

What's this slop?

Mommy flinches,
She's so tired,
So weary.

It's a new recipe, hope you like it.

Daddy turns with a grunt,
He puts his full plate aside and
Guzzles his cold beer.

I'm suddenly not hungry.

Mommy heads to the kitchen
Where brother is crying,
He's hungry too.

I'm coming darling.

Daddy snorts in amusement.
He glances my way
With a long, hard stare.

Shut that kid up.

Mommy is crying.
I know she's hurting,
But what can I do?

I am doing the best that I can!


The sky is blue and
The air is icy.
The door swings open,
Cold, dark Daddy appears.

I softly say hello,
He grunts to show his acknowledgement.
He stomps past me,
Hollering for Mommy.

He's yelling,
She's crying.
He hits her pretty face,
She slumps to the floor.

Brother and I are crying,
Daddy comes running,
He raises his hand.

Mommy stumbles in and
Grabs his arm.
He throw her to the ground,
"I'm going for a beer."

The door slams shut.
The silence is deafening.
Brother continues playing, and
Mommy falls into a chair.


The sky outside is cold and gray.
No children allowed out to play.
Stuck inside with Mommy and Daddy,
Left to hear the stinging words and bruising hits.

No one hears the children cry,
They only continue to sigh
About their own arguing kids and overdue bills.
Too wrapped up in their own "troubled" lives.

The warmth of the homes hardly different from the cold.
The children left to starve so Daddy can have his beer.
Old bruises and new,
recognized by no one.

"If only she'd told us, we could have helped..."
The neighbours explain to themselves.
But, if only you'd opened your eyes to those less fortunate,
Mommy would be alive.


Outside is cold,
Inside is cold.
"Mommy, I'm hungry."
There is no more money.

"The children go hungry,
Yet there's money for your beer?"
The rain stains the ceiling, walls and floors,
But it won't be fixed while there's still beer.

The arguments continue,
No end in sight.
"He loves me, he's just stressed out."
Is the explanation you give.

The children are crying,
The housework's not done.
In walks Daddy,
Run family run!


Here comes Daddy,
He's had a rough day.
"Is the housework done?
Are the kids asleep?
What about that dinner?
It better be cooking!"

Here comes Daddy,
He stepped on a toy!
"I thought it was gone,
The phone rang,
I'm sorry!
Tomorrow will be better, please just don't hit me!"

Here comes Daddy,
His hand is raised!
"Nothing is ever done right!"
"I wasn't feeling well,
the kids acted up,
Everything will be done tomorrow (if I make it)"

Here comes Daddy,
He's got flowers in his hand!
"Had a rough day?
These are for you.
How's your head?
Gee, I'm so sorry."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Those Smells

It's funny the way a smell can totally transport you to another time, another place.

Sometimes you are in the physical presence of the object that is emitting the aroma, and
then there are times when it seems to come from thin air.
Like it's been hidden inside of you and is suddenly  released.
It overwhelms your senses, making you see things and feel things and taste things and of course, smell that wonderful something!
The memories that waft into you with each breath you take...
It can be such a wonderful reminder.

Today, I cannot stop thinking of this lotion that I got about 4 years ago.
 My boss had brought it back from one of her trips to Costa Rica. It was the most delicious, fresh, vibrant and wonderful smelling stuff I have ever had! It smelled of tropical flowers, summer sunshine, the beach and all those beautiful things! The lotion itself was pretty good too, but it was that smell that captured me. It took me to my "special place" when I opened that little container! Sometimes, that is what I did, open it up just to take in that scent. I even kept it around for a long time, until finally there was nothing left when I opened it up, no more sweet reminders...

I can still smell that wonderful scent, and it always refreshes me. Every time I think of my tropical dream, I become bathed in the smell of that lotion.

Such an amazing thing, our sense of smell. What an enormous power it really does have!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Today is the day

I am a huge believer in the laws of attraction, "The Secret" and all the things authors like Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and Eckhart Tolle discuss. Reading their books and working through the  lessons that they share excites me and awakens that spark inside of me. I  tried hard to really start living by these messages and truths.

Suddenly all the good that seemed to be blossoming around me vanished, and aside from some BIG wonderful things (like my beautiful daughter!) happening, life took a tremendous swoop into a downward spiral. I have come to describe it as a massive black cloud that will not lift. This darkness came about 2 years ago, and progressively got darker. For a long time I persisted with my beliefs and remained positive as often as I could. I wouldn't allow myself to get pulled into the whirlwind, and somehow managed for the most part to stay just above it. My feet dangled just low enough to feel the winds, but it wasn't strong enough to drag me inside.

Lately, that power has abandoned me completely. It has left me at the bottom of this chaos, lights out, walls up. I haven't been able to connect with that light, the energy, the trust and belief. In the back of my mind is this little voice that whispers to me, calling me back.  I need to release myself again to its power. I long for it, I dream of it, and yet I cannot seem to release myself and allow it to happen.

I know I have to shift my mindset. Stop that internal madness and just let go. I need to allow my purpose to find me again. This has all been exactly where I needed to be, these are the feelings I have needed to feel and it was all meant to be. It was all meant to take me to the next chapter, the next journey, the next set of challenges that are waiting to begin.

I can feel the warmth, see the sunshine, taste and smell the beauty in all that is to surround me. I know that I will get there, and it will all be just as I have imagined and dreamed it to be. Every single day is a step closer. Every day is a doorway that opens to the possibilities that are. Each new day could be the day that it happens.

Today is THE day.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Get Back to Writing Already!

It has always been so much easier for me to sit down and write when I am not at my happiest!

I find that to be a huge hinderance for so many reasons other than the obvious, of course it would be nice to feel the desire, the itch to write when life is full of sunshine.
More to that though, I feel apprehensive about venting those deeply dark emotions in such a way that I could be discovered! Be it on paper, where I could keep it to myself, or on something like this is difficult to allow myself to be completley honest about my feelings during these darker times.

I know that writing is like a form of therapy for myself, so it is counter-productive for me to allow such mental blocks to get in the way. It is something that I really need to get over. I must do it to heal, move forward, and grow!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


We are always told to try, to just do it...

Put that smile on your face when you'd rather frown, or cry...
Laugh when you'd be happier to let out a scream...
Get up when you'd prefer to snuggle deeper into those blankets...

The act of faking it, pushing forward when you'd love to just give in and fall flat.

Do they know that the darkness envelops you even more when you pretend to feel those things that just aren't there? It doesn't help the "happier" emotion overcome you, it doesn't turn the lights on at the end of the tunnel. It makes you feel even more alone than you did before. It leaves you wondering...why should I have to pretend?..why do I not feel it from within?...don't they understand?

It seems to make more sense to go with the present emotion, feel it, succumb to it. To work through the pain and anger in your own time and manner.

It is not real if you are forcing yourself to do it. It doesn't make it true. It has to come from deep inside, and you just cannot make something be through the decieving act of FAKING IT.
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